Another month past without too many incidents. I was never been the klutz or the clumsy one in our group but with the number of bruises that showered my body, I gained a new reputation. It was all from L. I don’t know what’s wrong with him lately but it became his habit to hurt me physically. But I appreciate it… I yearn for it… I want his touch so badly though it only brings me tremendous pain and patches of battered and broken skin the next day. L, hitting me makes me think that I still exist in his world. The people around me were becoming more and more suspicious of my battered form but I dismiss them with a smile and blamed my own stupidity and clumsiness for it.  Doors, stairs, tripping whatever that can be made as an excuse… I can’t tell them the truth that my lover is hurting me, but the time I came up with excuses were becoming more frequent. I don’t want L-hyung’s reputation to be destroyed or worst, if it leaks to the public, negative issues and rumors will spread saying that I am a victim of idol bullying. I don’t want to be the reason for the disbandment of INFINITE or for our career to end. Luckily, people believed me, the other members believed me. They even joke that my lover’s clumsiness is contagious that even me was contaminated by it. They didn’t question me, but Sunggyu-hyung, I know he didn’t believed all my excuses and lies. I could feel his eyes roaming throughout my body every time we are together. I could sense that he is checking out for a fresh bruise or if my other bruises have already healed.

L, on the other, hadn’t spoken to me in almost two weeks except for annoyed grunts everytime I approach him or a deathly glare even before I could start talking to him. He would only watch me when he thought I wouldn’t notice. How could he talk to me when he has the busiest schedule among the seven of us and now that his remaining time is usually allocated for that guy?

It was then that my imagination and brain started to mess with me. Sometimes I imagined my lover standing over me while I was asleep and at those moments, I cried inwardly, but I knew they were nothing because L would never do that. Maybe before, but now, it seems impossible…especially when he enter our lives. My dream L looked so different from the L I saw every day, almost caring…loving… the L that I felt in love with before, and I wished I could meet that L instead of my L.

Today had been the most challenging for me. It had been a week since we arrived from Japan but L had been held back from going home by our company for some PV and photo shoot that even the other members are not aware of. At the same, Sungyeol-hyung decided to stay back there, saying that his family will be vacationing there and he wants to be with them even for a short period of time. Lucky for him, he doesn’t have any schedule for the week that’s why he was allowed by our CEO. I was use of my lover being away from me. But this time, it was different. I can feel dread this time. Unlike before, when he was away from me, he would usually call or would send me a message, but now I didn’t receive anything from him, not even a single message asking me if I am still breathing and alive. Yet, I was about to discover the reason for his PV and photo shoot and the reason behind Sungyeol’s sudden vacation. The incident that had began my cutting and my starvation.

After my vocal lessons, I refused a ride from our manager, I wanted to be alone. Being alone helps me clear my mind and think well. Definitely this year, has been good for INFINITE but I don’t know if it was good to me. Since the time that my lover acted that way towards me, I secretly begin writing some useless drabbles that can hardly passed as a lyrics for a song. I bought a small notebook and poured all my emotions on it. Those bounded papers have been the outlet of my emotions and the witness of the emotional battles and confusions that were trying to eat me alive. A battle that I have no chance to win over… a battle that only have one conclusion… a battle that screams of me losing it. I knew that our leader has an inkling of what I am writing and would give me that glance every time I open my notebook and write something.  He would often give me that questioning look, but he would not voice out his thoughts, he didn’t say anything, wanting me to come to him instead, but I wouldn’t, no… I couldn’t. I don’t want him to be in an awkward situation with L. I don’t want to grab him to the mess that I have with my lover. I wasn’t about to bring his wrath down on our leader. Because I knew, what L said, he means it.

So I was walking towards the café that my lover and I frequently visits when I saw L stepped out of the taxi.  I half-run and half-walk thinking that maybe I can surprise him by back-hugging him. I expected him to just enter the café but when he went to the other side of the taxi, I slow down my pace. Then it hit me that my lover is not alone. I silently crept beside the café’s with my heart beating so fast just thinking of what will happen next. I watched him as he open the car’s door, sweeping back his sunglasses as he offer the person inside the car with an affectionate smile. I couldn’t believe it, L smiled’ I hadn’t seen him smiled in two months! And then my world crumbled around me. I could literally hear my heart breaking into pieces. Another person stepped out of the taxi, a man that I am very familiar with. I watched as L pulled him close and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before walking into the café, his hand silently seeking for the other to be locked with. Something I was rarely ever given the honor of, but that man was receiving it freely and casually from L and he was taking him somewhere. Somewhere public, before everyone, while I was stuck in the shadows as a disgusting secret you lock away and never talk about.

I don't know how long I stood there, tears streaking my face, before I ran home, but I knew I was there for a while for the sun was setting by the time I walked in the door. I was thankful that no one was around that time…that they leave me alone again. I hate to be interrogated and questioned on why I looked like a trash when I returned home. I went into the bathroom and stared at my face red and swollen from crying. My hands were shaking and sobs wracked my chest. I tried to bring myself back under control, but as I reached shakily for the towel next to me, a razor grazed my hand. At first it stung and I cried out, but as I watched the blood pool in my hand and drip into the sink, I felt better.

I picked up the razor and stared at the bloody edge. Slowly I touched it to my arm and cut again, wincing at the sudden burning in my skin. Once more the paper thin cut welled with blood and trickled down my arm. Once more I brought the razor down and twice more after that. I liked watching my blood drip into the sink and I felt the release I had been searching for since L had stopped ing me. I heard the front door open and quickly locked the bathroom door. He couldn't know I was doing this, no one could know, and so I quickly stepped into the shower and washed the blood away. After the cuts stopped bleeding, I cleaned the sink and razor, placing it back where it was, and then dried off my body. The cuts still stung, but they were almost invisible to the eye and would probably heal without scars.

I had just wrapped the towel around my waist when my cellphone rang and quickly exited to grab it. L was sitting on Hoya’s bed and had turned to see me sprint towards my phone on my locker. His eyes once more followed my every movement as I fumbled for the phone while keeping my towel wrapped around me. "Hello?"

"Sungjongie!" Daeryong-hyung said, "Hey maknae-sunbae, are you all right? You've been acting kinda weird lately." There was a pause before he added darkly, "Has L done anything else to you?"

"I'm fine hyung, just…stressed, but don't worry about it." I said, smiling. It was true, I was stressed, but since cutting myself, I was feeling better. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I've got something to give you." I hung up the phone and turned back towards the bathroom when my eyes fell on L. "Oh. Hi hyung!" I said in my normal chipper voice before running back to the bathroom to grab my clothes. I then changed into my night clothes and headed towards my room expecting L to be waiting for me. But he had already gotten up and was making something in the kitchen. I could heard tiny snippets of voices and laughter and I immediately knew that the two of them where talking and whatever topic they have, they are happy and having fun, so I settled down onto the couch and waited for Mr. Sandman to visit me.

I never knew what to expect, so I always planned for both. In two months, I had been hit, yelled and slapped more than in my whole existence here on Earth. I had taken to stashing a first aid kit filled with bandages, medicines, gauze pads, pain relievers, and other stuffs inside my bag and now waited every night for every physical and emotional blow that he would give me. Even when he wasn't drunk, he'd shout at me for the stupidest things. Once, I had tripped over something in the hallway and L had slapped me for being too noisy. Another time I was crying because I burned myself on the stove, he yelled at me for being childish and annoying. Other times, even if I wasn't talking, he'd say I talked too much and I am an annoying eyesore.

Tonight was no different. He entered my room and glanced at me. It looks like that he had something to tell but with the scathing glare that he is giving me I stared back at him, horrified. I scampered out of my own room, out of our dorm with only my sleeping clothes on just to be away from him. As I go out the door, tears have already leaked from my eyes and are running down my face and sobs are already caught in my throat. I know he was watching me and I was silently hoping that he would grab my hands before I could truly ran away from him, I don’t even know what I am hoping for, maybe it was the masochistic side of me,  The weather outside was freezing and I had just taken a shower and only wearing my night clothes.

I tried to cover my tears, I tried to stay strong, but that's not in me. That's why I'm the submissive in this 'relationship', if that's what you can call it. “Why L?” I asked the cold air, thinking that it could deliver the answer to what misery I am experiencing right now.

I bit my lip until it bled to keep from screaming, my mind’s going haywire and I could see them ing each other. I could hear him crying out in ecstasy and begging for more when L ed him. It was too much for me though it was only my brain playing with me. I want to turn back to the direction that I came from but I can’t my feet would not allow me. I didn’t know where to go so I ran. I ran and ran and when I came back to my senses I was in the park where L and I have shared our first kiss.

 I curled up on a bench and sobbed. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong. What had I done to make L turn to him? What had I done to make that man his partner and his OTP? What had I done to make him so angry at me that he needed to lie to me every day and neglect me just to be with that man? I wonder if it was really our company’s decision or it was them who asked our CEO to be paired together. He never consulted me about it, so much more that he never touched me anymore unless it was really necessary or to hit me and he always watched me with such cold eyes that I trembled beneath them.

The wind brushed by me and I shivered from cold, but I didn't move. I cried all night and refused to move even when people stared at me. I thought over the times of my life with L and searched every aspect of my life wondering where I was at fault and where did I went wrong. L maybe be cold towards me at the start of our relationship, but never had he been this hateful towards me. I had thought under his cold exterior, L loved me, even if only a little, he still loved me. But today had proved me wrong. I was supposed to be only an act, right? But they are acting like true lovers. I accept what reality throws at me. L had another lover, worst is, that man is also a part of INFINITE. But who knows how many others he had – of the opposite or of the same – and I was no longer one of them. When we first started, he would always remind me that I am the only one and that I would rank first in all of the things that he loves. That was the closest he ever came to telling me he loved me and it was enough for me, as long as there was a hope that he loved me, I could get through…with the help of pain…