Suicide… the very word that usually lingered in my mind nowadays. People would say that I am innocent enough to think about this stuff. That I was showered with all the love that any young man need… that I was living near to perfection but there was more to meet the eyes. Before, I would only laugh to those that committed suicide and things associated with it. But that was before… now, I could consider myself as a hypocrite if I won’t admit that I was on the brink of the world of no return. I never thought of killing myself instantly but instead I cut my arms, my legs and sometimes my chest. I preferred to torture myself slowly… to ease the pain in my heart with the physical pain I brought to myself. Yes, I mutilate myself and no one in INFINITE knows aside from our leader who became my pillar these past months. But the others were not aware of the harm that I am bringing to myself. I don’t think that they even have a small inkling about it since they never got suspicious of my actions these past months. They could ignore me as far as I care after all they have their own lives and precious person to look after too. And if I would really do ‘it’, they will be hurt less because of my untimely demise.

And the reason that I was thinking this way… the cause of my self-mutilation… simple, a love that was fading; a love story that was nearing its end. Cutting became the release of the pent up emotions that I was bottling. A way to fight the inner battle that I am experiencing. I never cut near any major veins and never enough to bleed to death, just random cuts to free myself from the inner pain that was crippling my heart and to remind me that I was still breathing.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I wished that I remained oblivious to the things that my supposed to be lover and one of my hyungs was doing behind my back. Although, the title of being his official lover belonged to me, I couldn’t claim him. One thing I know is I am only a tool. I cannot beg for his attention like I use to for he gets angry with me and there are even times that he would accidentally hit me or slap me, I knew it hurts but I yearn for it… I yearn for more – more of his touch even if it causes pain. I really miss him… I am addicted to him and I can’t stop, and every day I cut myself more and more. I try to clean up the blood as best I can. I try everything to hide all the damage that I bring to my body. I don’t care if other people noticed the cuts and scars that I have but I can't let him see the months of cutting and self torture because then he really will hurt me, because he'll either leave me or say he doesn't care and in truth I cannot handle whichever answer he gives me.

Even though my cutting sessions have gone on for over two months at least, he still hasn't noticed because he was always busy with his schedule and of course, with him. At first I tried to appease to him, to seduce him, but though his eyes followed me like a predator, he never touched me. Never have we made love—no, we just have and not even that anymore. I can’t grasp the time when his love for me faded and when he stop noticing about me. As I said, he doesn't notice…anything. I used to be the centre of his world before but when he entered the scene, I was the one who was left out. I have sunk into a deep depression and have fallen ill from lack of blood or nutrition. Yes, I starve myself and for reasons unknown to me, I continue. I guess I believed if I lost weight then he'd like me more, I always was fat. Though some were concern that I was too skinny for my own good - that I could be blown away by a strong wind, I still consider myself fat. I mean, how many thin people have a layer of fat around their stomachs? When my depression sank in, I just stopped eating, stopped living and yet he sees nothing.

I was so naïve to actually think that I could find a way to bridge the gap between us. That I could mend the cracks in our relationship. I was a fool to think that our relationship would be like the one in my dreams – a happily ever after story. There were times that the things I dreamed of was beginning to have a possibility. That it will materialize despite of the hindrances that we’re facing. He talked to me just like before. He smiled to me again with the same softness and fondness that he used to give me. And his eyes, I found the emotions that I really missed – the love that was for me. I thought that everything has been fixed and my dreams will be coming true. However, my dreams slowly distorted into a horrid nightmare. He is really good actor for making me believe that everything will work out fine again and it gave me false hope. Everything was a faux pas, just to make the other members believe that our relationship hasn’t change and still growing strong. It was all fake. When the uncertainties and doubts of others stopped, he reverted back to his old self, the self that I couldn’t get through to. He became so cold towards me and the countless insults came back. Those were the only times that he would notice me – to reprimand every little mistakes that I’ve done. I was no longer part of his life anymore it seemed, but I just couldn't leave him, no matter how he hurt me – how they hurt me. Maybe I should've taken the hint when I had the chance, but I'm such a stubborn fool to actually take the advice of others, even my own.

Every day when we return from our schedules they would either locked themselves in the room or they would go out, totally ignoring my presence. My mind would always shout that I have my right on my lover but I would just shake it off. I will sacrifice my own happiness for him, just to see him smile and laugh even it is not meant for me. I know he was so happy when the company told them to act like that. There is no need to be discreet anymore. They can do every skinship they want because it was for the fans and of course, I need to understand and give way. Even the other members were fooled, they only think that those skinships are just for act. They apparently don’t know that there are deeper meanings in those acts.

Though Sunggyu-hyung knew, he is not aware of the real reason why I am doing these to myself. He only knew that my relationship is becoming destructive. He would often advise me to let my other hyungs know of my situation but I don’t want them to get angry towards my lover and that person. I don’t want my other hyungs to be indifferent toward them. But when Sunggyu-hyung told our managers, I don’t have really a choice. They were the only people that knew. They even plan to ask the CEO to stop their pairing but I prevented them. I know I am being a martyr but as long my lover is happy, it is fine with me. Furthermore, our CEO doesn’t know about our relationship so what’s the point of telling him.

Sunggyu-hyung once asked me, that if I knew about it… that if I knew that they were doing something behind my back then why I am still tied with him. Why I still believe in a relationship that is beginning to fade, why I can’t stop in loving him. True, I am prepared for the worst and I came to believe that sooner or later it will come. I even asked my dad for an apartment of my own, that when the time comes that I can’t endure the pain anymore – I would leave our dorm and live on my own. Our managers knew about the apartment complex and urged me to transfer there sooner so that I can eventually forget about him. They even offered to accompany me but I remained foolish and blind. I should've listened to their advice and left our dorm and him, but…it's so hard, I love him so much and I don't want to live without him.

Hello…peach_fantasy here…

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So, Sungjong will be the main character in this ff and Sunggyu will be a supporting character…

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