The next day, I swear I couldn’t remember when I fell asleep. But when I woke up, I still couldn’t sort out the feelings. Although I’ve admitted the fact that my worries were senseless, something inside was telling me still that there is a much bigger justification for all those unexplained emotions.

Since I didn’t have schedule that day, I told myself that I should go back to sleep. It was just 6 o’clock in the morning. But in the end, I just wasted my time tossing and turning because the sense of anxiety had returned; and I knew that unless I discovered what it is, my restlessness would never leave.

To somehow, and at least, diver my attention, I dragged myself to the bathroom to wash up. I noticed that dawn was breaking in and since I’ve got nothing else to do yet, why not hit the gym?

Aside from composing, one of my hobbies is to go to the gym. I love keeping myself fit, especially because being a celebrity requires it. But it’s not just because of my status as an idol that is why I was determined to sweat some pounds and tone some muscles. Well, it’s also because Joohyun liked that. She told me once that she really like buff men.

The gym was located in the penthouse of the dormitory; and upon reaching the fitness center, I immediately occupied the treadmill for some warm-ups. But to my surprise, Minhyuk was already on the other one. “Hey, why up so early?” I tapped his arm lightly to get his attention because I was pretty certain that he wouldn’t hear me if I just talk.

As expected, he pulled his earplugs off and slowed down his running pace as soon as he noticed me. “Hyung! What are YOU doing here?” The maknae fired the question back at me, although he still seemed clueless about what I asked.

I chuckled as I realized his point. Minhyuk is a morning person and he loves going to the gym early; while I am more of a lazy . I go to the gym late at night because I find it hard to wake up at dawn.

“Well,” I scratched the back of my head. I stepped onto the other treadmill and pushed a couple of buttons to make the machine work. Soon, I was walking to keep up with the equipment’s pace. “I couldn’t sleep,” I admitted as I turned to the glass window in front of me. The sky was still dark but there was a hint of light in the horizon.

Even while running, I know Minhyuk was looking at me – trying to figure out why and how come I couldn’t do what I loved doing the most. “Problem?” He asked me, with a voice full of worry and concern.

Knowing that I could not hide anything from my brothers anyway, I simply nodded as I kept my slow walking. Minhyuk didn’t say anything but slowed down too, so I told him everything Jonghyun and I talked about the other night.

Being one of the youngest among us four, I expected him to laugh at me and tell me that I’m just being paranoid. But perhaps, I forgot that that was Jungshin’s role and Minhyuk is the ‘mother’ of the group. As I am the ‘father’, I should have expected that he could understand me.

“Jonghyun-hyung was right. Those are problems indeed,” he told me as his brisk walking finally came to a halt. He sat on the treadmill floor, looking up to me, while drinking water from his bottle. “But I think there’s a bigger reason why you are being like that,” he said seriously.

Instantly, I hit the stop button and jumped off the equipment. I sat beside my younger brother to hear what he’s going to say. “What?” I leaned closer as my eyes turned from dull to pleading.

“Hyung, just admit it.”  Minhyuk told me, chuckling as he wiped the sweat off his neck and nape.

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I seriously don’t get you, Minhyuk-ah,” I muttered as I shook my head. My gaze didn’t leave her. I was really clueless. What should I admit? What is it that I do not know?

Minhyuk then put his arm around my shoulder. “You should just admit that the problem is that keeping your relationship with sister-in-law as a secret is taking its toll on you. All these time, you were just trying to say it’s fine but because of your upbringing as a Busan man, you’ve always wanted to announce that you guys are together. However, you can’t do that, of course, because we are not ordinary people,” he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. I swear there was a hint of desperation in his voice.

My face went red as I digested his words. Then, I felt a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach and some pain in my heart. That’s when I realized that Minhyuk had just spoken the truth which I, just like what he had said, was trying to deny all this time.

Realizing that, I set out some unrecognizable chuckles. Minhyuk then looked at me with his comforting stares and then pulled my into a little hug. Then he told me words I never thought I’d hear: “Hyung, the reason why you’re feeling so burdened about all this secrecy is because you are insecure. You are afraid that someone would snatch her from you, and I can’t blame you with that,” he maturely stated. My younger brother then stood up. “Sorry if I can’t give you solutions. I could only help you with discovering what those emotions were,” and then he headed to the weight section of the gym.

The drummer’s words pierced through me that I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes. The thought about my own insecurity seemed to have stuck on my mind. I wanted to blink it away. I wanted to not to think of it. However, minds were created to define what we feel in our hearts. I can’t just shun the feeling. I need to talk to Joohyun about it.

I took my phone out of the pocket of my sweatpants and typed a message to my girlfriend: ‘Good morning, angel. Can we talk later? Same time tonight.  I miss you, baby. I love you.’ And then I pressed send, and breathed.

The sun was starting to rise in front of me that very moment.