Our hands were tightly clasped together as we walked through the many apartment blocks leading up to the one I lived in. His hand was so warm, his fingers so firmly curled around the back of my hand that I had to hide the fact that my heart was pounding at an abnormally fast rate. I had missed holding his hand so much.

“We’re here.” I said regretfully when we were standing in front of my block. I wanted the walk to keep going on with us holding hands like this. I didn’t want to say goodbye yet. Still, I began to pull my hand away, but instead found that he had tightened his hold on me.

“K-Kibum…” Whatever I had wanted to say trailed off when I saw him leaning in, closer and closer to my face. He pecked me once on my lips, softly and sweetly.

“I love you Jinki. I’ll call you later.” He finally let go of my hand and ruffled my hair a bit. His eyes… What was it about that gaze? I have never seen him look at me that way before.

So full of… love.

I opened my eyes, and when my vision finally focused, found myself staring at the familiar plain white ceiling of my bedroom. I brought my left hand in front of my face and started to examine it, as if it could tell me if the spaces between my fingers had really been filled with Kibum’s just awhile ago.

But no. I already know that I had made everything up in my mind.

The sense of devastation and loss that swarmed me when I could only accept that it was just a dream was so crushing. The tight grasp of our hands, his lips on mine, all the love in his eyes… Of course. Of course it had only been a dream.

It was not the first time I’ve dreamt of us getting back together. I used to get these dreams all the time in the few months after we’d separated. But now… It must be because of my recent meeting with him.

He still looked as beautiful as always. My Kibum. That is something I will never be able to deny, will never try to deny.

“Do you… like Jonghyun? Are you guys together?”

Suddenly, the question Kibum had asked me about Jonghyun resurfaced in my mind. Why had he wanted to know? Is he really starting to care now? I scoffed bitterly at my stupid thought. Now? It had already been two years. If he wanted to care for anything about me, he would have already done so long ago.

But somewhere deep inside me, I know that there is a spark of hope. The way he looked so discomfited when asking me that question, the way he offered to bring me home at the end of the night; it ignited that bit of hope in me. A hope that maybe, finally, Kibum is starting to realize that he wants me back. A hope that I refuse to acknowledge at this point because it would only mean more damage to my heart when I find out that it was all just wishful thinking on my part.

No, I keep telling myself. There is no way Kibum would still care. He was just curious. I am such a fool, I know. After two whole years, I am still such a fool for him.

That day Jonghyun and I went out together; he slid a Polaroid picture of himself that I’d taken for him at our senior’s prom last year into the clear pocket of my wallet. He looked really charming dressed in that preppy way that he carried off so well, all bow tie, suspenders and chinos, his bright smile completing the package.

When I looked at the picture, then back at him with raised brows, he only smiled and shrugged playfully. I didn’t protest or remove it because it’s not like I had another person in my life right now. My heart was unguarded and I decided that until the day I give it away again, I could keep the picture there. Jonghyun was, after all, a very special someone to me.

A few days later, when I came across it again while clearing my wallet of useless rubbish, I took the Polaroid picture out of the clear pocket to take a better look at it. That was when I found a small slip of post-it stuck to the back, and in tiny, uncertain handwriting, were the words “The truth is, Jinki, I love you.”

I was somewhat surprised, then again I guess I did see it coming.  Jonghyun was probably counting on me never coming back to that picture so soon again, and so I decided to play dead and not confront him about it. No harm done if he doesn’t know that I had seen it right?

I like Jonghyun. I had imagined countless times how it would be like if we really were to be together. I want to be with him, but somehow the feelings just aren’t quite right. I don’t know why.

All these happened before I met up with Kibum. I hadn’t answered his question then, because I didn’t know how to. I couldn’t say yes, because Jonghyun and I are not together. But I didn’t want to say no either. If he was bothered by the thought of Jonghyun and I as an item, I wanted him to keep thinking that way.

***

“Jinki-yah, you know the other day Minho and Changmin actually asked me if we are a couple! You and I, I mean.” Jonghyun started to say randomly when we were resting after our game. “They’ve asked me a few times now.”

“Really? That’s interesting.” I answer with a small, noncommittal smile and continued to sip my water. I wasn’t disturbed by the fact that people misunderstood my relationship with Jonghyun, it wasn’t a first anyway. Some of my friends have asked me about it casually before too and honestly, I don’t blame them for thinking that way since the two of us are almost always together. When I knew of how people around saw us, I didn’t stop being close to him. In fact, I even hoped that everyone would think that we were together.

I hoped that made Kibum jealous. This was the first thought that flashed across my mind every time I arranged to go out with Jonghyun, or when pictures of us turn up on Facebook and the two of us would always be side by side even in group pictures.

Then I remembered Kibum’s question to me, wanting to know my status with Jonghyun. If others already thought that Jonghyun and I are a couple, did Kibum think this way too? Is that why he asked me? Was he finally, starting to care, even just for a little bit?

“Jinki yah…”

I only forced the thoughts out of my head and turned to face Jonghyun when I felt him take my bottle out of my hands and took them in his. His touch was gentle and his gaze tender. I suddenly remember that note stuck to the back of his picture that was still in my wallet and I sense that we’re treading dangerous waters right now. Yet, there was nothing I can do.

“Actually… would you like to go out with me? Like… be together with me… for real?” Jonghyun asked with a hopeful smile.

Despite knowing exactly where our conversation was headed, my eyebrows still twitched in reflex when he said the words. Hearing him say it felt surreal, it was a completely different feeling to when I discovered his written confession.

I like Jonghyun. I like him a lot. He matters so much to me, too. He’s special.

But you know Kibum is so much more.

This revelation knocks into me so hard it was like a car crash.

All along, I thought I had already moved on from him. I thought I was just momentarily confused and weak. I thought I only wanted to feel loved, like someone needed me, and not that I wanted him back. But it was only now that I realized how wrong I was. How deeply rooted this Kim Kibum’s place in my heart really is. So much so that no matter how much I liked Jonghyun, I could never move past myself, to bring myself to try to love him as more than a friend.

“Jjong-ah… I saw the note you gave me together with your Polaroid picture. Thank you for loving me, you’re truly an amazing guy. But… I can’t. Mianhae.”  I said and gently pulled my hands away.

His face fell and he hung his head while guilt attacked me. Maybe I shouldn’t have left his feelings hanging, maybe I should have dealt with it the moment I found out, maybe I–

“You’re still thinking of him, aren’t you?” Jonghyun asked in careful tones when he lifted his head again. He didn’t mention any name, but we both knew exactly who he was referring to. His expression, although pained, also had traces of sympathy.

“Huh? What, no!” How does he know that? I don’t talk much about Kibum anymore, except for the day after I met him and Jonghyun wanted to know how it went. Other than that, he doesn’t know what has been going through my head these days… right?

“Jinki, give me your wallet.”

Bewildered, I couldn’t link what he had said to what he was trying to do but I complied anyway. He fumbled around in my wallet and took out an origami heart that was folded with neon pink paper.

Kibum folded that for me. “For my prince ♥” was written along the side of the heart.

“See? Even after breaking up with him for so long, you still keep this on you, in your wallet, bringing it around with you everyday. I know you’re not over him.” Jonghyun put the paper heart back into my wallet carefully, like he knew it was something precious and then looked at me again.

“Mianhae.” I said again. His eyes are sad, but I could see that he isn’t going to be broken from this.

“It’s okay. I know feelings can’t be forced.” We lapsed into silence as Jonghyun lay down on the rough cement ground of the basketball court. It was nearing evening and the kids who played with us had already gone home. What do I do now?

“Jinki… Why don’t you talk to him about this? Tell him how you feel and make things clear once and for all. I’m sure he still feels something for you, ask him for another shot together. You love him this much, it’s the least you should do to try and fight for your own happiness, you know?” Jonghyun said with his eyes closed, a little smile gracing his face.

I lay down next to him and squinted up at the darkening sky.

“Nope, cannot be done.” I said sadly. “I don’t want things to be clear. That’s probably what I fear the most. What if this is just me overthinking again? What if he says he has someone else now? How stupid would I feel then?”

I remember that girl who keeps having suggestive and bordering flirtatious conversations with him on Facebook. Her name is Krystal. That girl who is so pretty and looks so demure that every time I come across her picture, my inferiority complex explodes. It’s no wonder Kibum would like someone like her. She’s everything I am not, isn’t it?

“Just try, you don’t know how he feels until you ask. If he really doesn’t have a single ounce of feelings left for you, why would he still agree to meet up with you? Why would he offer to bring you home? Why would he ask about you and I?” Jonghyun turned his head to me and said.

“He was just being nice. It’s been two years, Jjong-ah. Two years. Do you know how much can change in two years? Why would he suddenly want me now when he didn’t want me two years ago?”

“Your feelings for him didn’t change.”

“I–” Before I could say anything in my own defense, Jonghyun cut me off and continued. “You just thought you’re over him, but you’re not. I know you, Jinki. Don’t lie to me and to yourself.”

How can you say it like this, Jjong-ah? Why do you keep pushing me back to him? Does it not hurt you?

“I just want you to be happy, Jinki-yah.” As if he could read my thoughts, Jonghyun said, his voice barely above a whisper. I shut my eyes and felt a dull aching in my heart. Why does fate always have to play with us like this? Why does Jonghyun have to love me, why do I have to love Kibum, and why does Kibum have to love someone else?

“Can I have a request?” Jonghyun sat up and looked down at me.

“I’m not going to talk to him about this, if it is what you want to ask of me.” I said simply. There is just no way I am going to stir things up again after so long. No way.

“Ani. I was going to say… Can you be my boyfriend for a day? No, half a day is enough. Just half a day, from now till tonight.” The sadness that was previously on Jonghyun’s face had been replaced by an excited one. “Please?” He whined and kept flashing those puppy eyes of his.

How could I say no?

“A-alright. But what are we going to do? We’re all sweaty and dirty…” I asked and before I could sit up properly, Jonghyun was already pulling me to my feet.

“First, food! Then we’ll see!” Jonghyun wasted no time in latching himself to my arm. It was the first time we were being this physically intimate and… it didn’t feel bad.

We didn’t do anything fancy and our time spent together was short, but I had enjoyed myself thoroughly. By the end of the night, I was in such a good mood I almost didn’t want to end our ‘date’. Jonghyun was so sweet and attentive to me, and I could just imagine how it would be like if he was my boyfriend. I would be a very happy person.

He had insisted to bring me back home despite my objections, and it was just like in that dream. Just that instead of Kibum next to me, it was Jonghyun. We were walking through the apartment blocks around my neighbourhood, he never tried to hold my hand but instead had his arm linked through mine. I haven’t seen Jonghyun being so clingy before, he always seemed like the manly kind of guy. It reminded me of the way I was around Kibum, so putty in his hands.

When we finally reached my block, there was a familiar figure standing near the security gate and I froze, my good mood fading into a feeling of anxiety. How could it be?

It was Kibum.

I could feel that Jonghyun had tightened his arm around mine as we approached the gate, and Kibum had noticed us too. When he looked up and saw us, his face darkened immediately as his eyes shifted to our linked arms.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. It came out a lot ruder than I had meant it to be but I couldn’t help it. Seeing him here, literally at my doorstep, with no warning made my defenses shoot right up. I didn’t want him to think I was still so weak for him, I had to turn him away before he could hurt me again.

“I want to talk to you.” Kibum said then looked at Jonghyun pointedly, obviously telling him to make himself scarce.  

“What is there left for you to talk about?” Jonghyun said in an almost cocky way, and I just know he was trying to wind Kibum up. I’d wanted to go along with his drift, but Kibum came to look for me on his own accord and… What could he possibly want to talk to me about?

“Jjong-ah, you head off home first, okay? I’ll call you later.” I said, not taking my eyes off of Kibum.

“Sure. See you tomorrow, Jinki.” Jonghyun said, even thought we don’t have a date for tomorrow. He squeezed my arm lightly and pecked my cheek. I saw how Kibum’s eyes seemed to flame when he did that and Jonghyun threw a triumphant smirk at him before walking away.

Now it’s just me and him.

“Why are you here?” I asked again, shoving my hands into my pockets and trying to maintain a steely front. He’s not going to break you down again, Jinki. No more.

“Why was he holding you like that? And you let him kiss you? Are you guys really together?” Kibum asked in a dangerously low voice. I haven’t seen him quite so unravelled before, and it was starting to scare me a little. At the same time, I was also angry at his interrogation. Who does he think he is?

“Why do you care? You’re not my boyfriend anymore, Kibum, I don’t have to report to you about who I am seeing. I don’t have to report to you about anything.” I forced myself to remain calm and closed off, I refused to let him reach into me.

At that, the hard look slipped from his face and I could tell what I said had really hit a sore spot. My heart was pounding fast, I still didn’t know what exactly he wanted, I don’t know why I keep trying to hurt him with my words. He was sending my emotions into complete chaos.

“I-I know, I’m sorry, Jinki. I know that I was a jerk but just...” He looked at me pleadingly and continued, “I… I realized that I still love you.”

It was like something struck my heart hard. The words I’d been imagining him say even in my sleep, he’s actually saying them to me now. But I’d sworn that I’d never let him get away with it so easily, I will not give in so easily, if he were to ever come back.

He’s here. He’s here now.

“Why now? You just realized that you still love me only after two years? How about when I asked for you back, didn’t you say that you only loved me as a friend then?” I was getting worked up. How dare he! How dare he come back after so long of not caring and tell me this!

“I thought that it was better for the both of us if we ended it, but now I know that I was wrong. I tried to live a life without you, but I couldn’t do it anymore. There is nobody else who knows me like you do, Jinki. The feelings of wanting you back just kept growing stronger as the days passed that I can’t sit there and watch you be close with that Jonghyun guy without feeling like absolute crap. After all these time, I realized that it has to be you.”

Hearing Kibum say these things threw me completely off-guard. I never knew he thought so much about me, and got so bothered about Jonghyun. I always thought that he never bothered and was better off after our break up. I thought I was the only fool still in love with him.

“How can you keep doing this to me, Kibum? How can you just leave me all alone and then come back again after so long and say that you love me, huh? How am I supposed to feel?”

I didn’t even realize I was already crying until I felt Kibum’s arms around me. It felt exactly the same as it did two years ago. It felt so right, and I know that it is something only Kibum can give.

“I’m sorry Jinki. Please come back to me, I promise that I will learn to love you better. I can’t stand us being apart anymore, please…” Kibum’s voice was shaking as well but he held me tightly in his arms.

For awhile, I let him hold me. I let him pat my back and whisper in my ears. I missed him, I missed him so much and I didn’t have the strength to push him away. The fact that he was here and he was holding me and said that he needed me, all of it was just so overwhelming. But I don’t want to be defeated. It was going to go the same way, we’re just going to end up right here again, I know. We are too different, and things will never work out. So what’s the point of trying to get it back? Why make both of us go through all the nonsense another time round?

I took a deep breath, steadying myself, and pushed him away.

“I can’t. I don’t love you anymore, Kibum.” I said with forced calmness.

“Is it because of that Jonghyun guy?” His voice fell to a whisper and I saw his eyes glazed with unshed tears. I gritted my teeth. Don’t fall for it Jinki, don’t.

“No. He and I are just friends. I just don’t love you anymore, okay? Please leave.” I said and started to walk past him, but he grabbed me by my elbow and turned me back around.

“Don’t lie to me, Jinki! If you don’t still love me why would you cry like this? Why would you say all these things that you just did? Why would you still remember the fact that I drink with two straws that nobody else I’d met had given a about?! You still care about me, right? Jinki?!” Kibum shook me slightly by the shoulders and I struggled to retain control. 

“Please don’t misunderstand, Kibum-ssi. I’ve been really stressed out and tired lately, and I just needed to have a breakdown to release this tension. You just happened to come at the wrong time. Now if you would excuse me, it’s late.” Gently, I pried his hand away and walked into the lift lobby without looking back.

While I was in the shower, I kept thinking of the way Kibum had looked at me just now. He’d come right to my place and practically begged for me to go back to him, just like I’d always wanted, always wished to happen. But I had to protect myself, right? I had to protect my heart. I really can’t survive all the emotional turmoil happening for a second time.

I woke up sprawled in an odd position on my bed to the sound of thunder. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep. It was 3:41 in the morning according to my phone, and I had a message from Jonghyun asking me if Kibum was jealous as heck and have we made up yet. Nothing from Kibum.

I knew he wouldn’t hold out.

Heavy rain started to pour outside and I hurried to shut the windows in the house. But when I got to the window of the living room which overlooks the gate of our apartment block, I could faintly make out a figure huddled by the wall outside the gate through the rain.

This guy must be out of his mind… Despite my own protests, I grabbed a large towel, an umbrella and bolted out of my apartment.

To him.

“What the hell are you still doing here, Kibum? Are you crazy?! You’re going to fall sick!” I shouted at him when I got near and pulled him up by the arm. He was completely soaked to the skin.

“J-Jinki…” He smiled at me weakly and then fell into my chest with a heavy thud. I hardly had the time to react except for hold on to him tightly and wrapping the towel around his shoulders before supporting him into the shelter. My heart was constricting with worry at his condition. Why did he have to do something so stupid?

When I managed to half drag him into my bedroom, I got more towels to dry him and thanked god he wasn’t running a temperature. In fact, his skin was rather cold to the touch. It occurred to me that I have no idea how long he has actually been waiting for me downstairs. I went out of the house in the late morning and didn’t come back until near midnight. It was already near four in the morning now. Could it be…?

“Jinki…” Kibum grabbed my hands that were still rubbing him dry as he slowly opened his eyes. “Jinki, please listen to me…”

“Kibum, you’re drenched. You have to change out of these clothes before you fall sick. Come on.” I brushed his words off, helping him up and giving him a fresh change of clothes. He was leaning on me the entire time and my brain was having problems functioning properly seeing him in this vulnerable state.

“How long have you been waiting out here? Why didn’t you go back?” I asked him when he was back on my bed, but he was a lot steadier after wolfing down some leftovers my brother has kept for me in the kitchen.

“You wouldn’t listen to me! I had been here since noon and I can’t just go back without telling you my feelings. Look, Jinki, please–”

“Noon?! You haven’t eaten since then? Are you crazy, Kibum-ah? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I-I was afraid that I would miss you leaving or returning to your home if I left. I really want us to start over, Jinki. Can you give us, give me another chance? Please… I don’t want to live without you anymore…” Kibum’s voice was timid. I could already feel myself caving in.

“We’ll talk in the morning, Kibum. You should rest now.” I said, pushing him down on the bed and pulling the blanket over him. I got up to leave the room but he quickly grabbed my wrist.

“No, Jinki… Please don’t go. Stay with me at least…” I turned to see his face with such rejection that pain shot through my own heart.

Against my own will, I climbed into the bed while he shifted to allow me more room. I kept my face and body straight. At this point, I already don’t know what I was still trying to fight. I have already lost.

“Do you really not love me anymore, Jinki?” Kibum’s voice broke the silence hanging thick above us just as I felt his cold fingers touch my bicep under the blanket. It slid down the length of my arm and he intertwined his fingers with mine.

I closed my eyes in defeat. I give up. My heart just hurts so badly and he is right here beside me. What am I still trying to fight? What still matters?

“No, I still love you. I love you so much that I thought I was going to die when you said you don’t love me anymore. But so what? So what if I love you this much? What is that going to do?” I kept staring up at the ceiling, because if I don’t, the tears would slip out of my eyes. Kibum was silent, gently rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand and so I kept going.

“Everyday I kept waiting for you to call and tell me you want me back, yet everyday I’m only rewarded with disappointments. I left you only because I wanted you to run after me, but you only let me go. Why? Why didn’t you fight for me?”

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Jinki…” Kibum whispered as he turned to face me. He was holding me like how he always held me in the past and I just crumbled, letting the tears fall freely and not even bothering to wipe them away.

“Now that so much time has passed, when I actually thought I might be okay again, you just come back and do this to me. Why? We’re just going to end up fighting all the time again. This can’t last, we can’t last! Don’t you understand?”

“No! Don’t tell me these things about us not working out! Jinki, please. Give us another chance. I will really be a better boyfriend for you, I’ve learnt.” Kibum’s voice was urgent and desparate.

“How do I know that it’ll be different this time round?” I looked up at him and said quietly.

“It will be. I won’t pick on you anymore, not the clothes you wear or if you want to have long hair or short hair, I won’t make you cry anymore and we’ll be great like we always were. Please come back to me, please. I love you, Jinki. I love you so much it hurts to not have you…” Kibum was holding me so tightly but we both know that even if I haven’t said it, I wouldn’t turn him away again.

Finally, I turned my body to him and buried my face in his chest. I cried. For all of the heartaches and longing I felt in the last two years, the times I yearned for his presence, when I felt like a complete fool, nights when memories of us drowned me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I cried.

And he held me. He held me until the tears stopped and I gradually calmed down. He brushed my damp hair away from my face and wiped any remnants of my tears away. I clung to him, relishing in his warmth and his firm but gentle embrace that I have missed so badly for so long.

“Jinki-yah… Will you be mine again?” Kibum asked, looking at me with sincerity in his eyes.

I could only nod into his chest, I suddenly felt oddly shy.

“I love you Jinki.” I heard him say as he began to rock us both to sleep.

“You could start by giving me a goodnight kiss, you know.” I tugged at his shirt, hiding my huge grin with it.

Kibum pulled me away from his chest, and there I saw it again, in his eyes. The gaze that was so full of love that I had seen in my dream, but this time it was for real.

He peppered little kisses to my face. Starting from my forehead, to my closed lids, to my cheeks, nose, and my chin. Finally, he kissed me on my lips, softly and sweetly.

“Goodnight, Jinki.”

-

Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.

A.N.: Okay, I definitely posted faster than I expected. Since my job deal kind of fell through, I’m very free to write again until school starts for me. I’ve been struggling with this part for particularly long and I don’t think it came out the way I wanted to but I still hope it’s good enough. There will be an epilogue to wrap things up, which I will post before the next chapter of Lucky, and hopefully within one week. I hope you guys are happy now, I made them go back to each other okay!

Very tired, need to sleep now.
Comment/subscribe, I’ve been working very hard!

xoxo