okay this is seriously just drabble, because this is what happened in my mind with everything going on and i had to write it down

mostly about Jaejoong sorry

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“Changmin pushes down his pregnant fan”

Jaejoong had watched helplessly as this twisted rumors spiraled out of control.  People actually believed that Changmin had pushed a pregnant fan when in actual truth Changmin just went to the bathroom when she followed him in, he took her camera and she started freaking out and eventually ended up falling down.  There wasn’t any report that she was pregnant or that Changmin had forcefully pushed her but it didn’t matter, rumors were spread and dark glances landed right on the groups maknae. 

The members comforted Changmin as Chinese fans started to bash him so bad that he would be attacked and sweared at the airports.  Jaejoong could not imagine what it felt like.  Some of their former ‘fans’, ‘fans’ they had made promises with to love and care for each other forever just turned their backs on them.  DBSK clutched on to each other though because they still at least had each other and they still had other wonderful fans that loved them.

“Park Yoochun, the new Chris Brown”

Now without Yunho’s strong reassuring hugs, now without Changmin’s blunt yet comforting words, now without their warmth, now it’s Yoochun’s turn. 

He attacked a fan?  Jaejoong felt his blood boil as he watched Yoochun cry in Junsu’s arms watching, over and over again, the grainy video and the millions of news reports.  It was the day they had gone to get ‘Always Keep The Faith’ tattooed on their skin.  It was the day Yoochun even wore the T-shirt that fans had given him that said ‘Always Keep The Faith’.  It was 3 years ago.  Jaejoong and Yoochun just wanted to go somewhere without their manager or a bunch of body guards, they were always spontaneous and wanted to hang out with their friends.

The reports were brutal, “Yoochun pulls an innocent fans hair”.  No.  Why would he just randomly do that?  The video was too wild and grainy but anyone who was there that 3 years ago, if they could even remember the incident, said that she reached out to slap him when he grabbed her arm and put it on her head.  He wasn’t attacking her, he was defending himself.

“I should have just let her slap me” Jaejoong couldn’t believe the words spilling out of Yoochun’s mouth.  How did Yoochun deserve to get slapped by a random person standing right next to him?  No one deserved to be smacked ‘just because’ and it sickened him to remember other, not so peasant, times when the so called ‘fans’ had attacked them and bragged about it on the internet.  ‘I got some of Junsu’s hair!’ ‘I made Changmin cry today!  Such a rare sight!’ These weren’t ‘fans’ these were ‘sasaeng’.

JYJ run to their car.  They don’t have any body guards; they thought they could at least make it to their car in the secured parking lot.  But of course there are people waiting for them, they feel the panic as they rush run as fast as they can, they lose the seven or so following them and a flood of relief fills them up only to be crashed down again when another, larger, group is at their car already. 

They weave through the girls that block their way, some push them back because they want to talk with them, some reach out to touch them, it’s all just a blur and their goal is to reach their car and get out of there.

Junsu is already at the car, Jaejoong turns around to look for Yoochun.  He looks like he’s in a panic, like he doesn’t even want to go near one of these girls, shrinking away from them, and by doing that he is getting farther and farther away from the car.  Junsu and Jaejoong watch as the girls surround him and he can’t move anywhere.  Then they start groping him and their eyes widen as they connect with Yoochun’s.  Yoochun’s voice is stuck in his throat, he doesn’t want anymore backlash, he doesn’t want to tell them to stop when one girl is obviously carrying a voice recorder, yet he doesn’t want to push them away because then it would cause another uproar of accusations and rumors.

Jaejoong snaps.  He charges at them yelling and suddenly like magic they disperse and Junsu gets Yoochun to the car quickly before returning to the brave yet half drunk Jaejoong.

Jaejoong is screaming, he doesn’t know what he is saying as all his pent up anger and frustration from the last 8 years burst out at these girls.  He looks with hatred at the two that are left, that didn’t run away. 

Junsu see’s one has a voice recorder and tugs Jaejoong’s arm, pleading him to leave them be, but Jae brushes him off.  If only Yunho and Changmin were here, they could talk some sense into him, they were strong enough to forcefully pull him back to the car even, but the only one standing there is Junsu and no matter how hard he tries he can’t make Jae budge. 

Jaejoong is angry.  He’s in one of those moods, one of those moods where once he starts talking he can’t stop until he’s finished with what he has to say.  He didn’t know how much he had to say until it all flooded out his mouth.  One girl is about to make a run for it, Jaejoong recognizes her as the girl who was groping at Yoochun’s crotch and he cannot let her go.  He cannot. 

“Kim Jaejoong hit’s and swears at his fan”

It’s happening to him.  He’s staring at the screen and all alone in his dark house, sitting on his couch and tears start to fall and he’s so angry and sad.  He couldn’t believe he said all that. Was it true or was he just angry and drunk?  He didn’t even know himself.  He just wishes that he had someone to comfort him, but Junsu is at his musical and Yoochun is at filming.  He can’t even go out to his sisters or his parents looking like this, crying like this.  All he can do to dull the pain is take out a cigarette and take a swig of alcohol straight from the bottle.

There’s no time to think about his predicament, Chile is waiting, all of JYJ are exhausted as they head to the airport, Yoochun is sick, there are more sasaeng taxi’s than usual, more people waiting at the airport for them than usual and they try their best to keep poker faces as people scream and camera’s click like crazy, taking pictures of them in their awful state.  Junsu and Jaejoong are ahead, Yoochun is lagging behind. 

Yoochun and Junsu pose smiling and tweeting a happy picture of them on the plane.  It’s not till later Junsu and Jaejoong hear that Yoochun was slapped by a sasaeng back at the airport. 

They’re finally in Chile after being delayed in LA for such a long time, and it is so warm.  Chile is so warm and inviting, they feel a blanket of comfort from the happy fans and even if it doesn’t solve any of their problems, they allow themselves to feel good for once.

JYJ is showered with love from their enthusiastic fans and Jaejoong decides he wants to apologize for making them worry about him.  He doesn’t want Cassiopeia to worry, he doesn’t want to break down in front of fans ever again.  He says he will try his best to be stronger for us.  His smile is rare but it’s there and things are looking up because they are together with their sunshine Junsu and Yoochun’s illness gets better. 

They get news that Changmin’s grandmother has passed a few days later.  JYJ feel a pang in their hearts and wonder how Changmin is doing.  They want to call but they know Yunho and Changmin are on tour in Japan.  Yunho and Changmin are so busy they must be exhausted, and a few days later their thoughts are proven true as the news that Homin both got IV treatments to keep up with their rigorous schedule.  They worry but after watching some fancams of Changmin, they carry on knowing that if Changmin can still smile, if Changmin still has Yunho to lean on, then he is okay, and that they should carry on working hard like their 2 other brothers.

The concert ends great and again they smile with sincerity and gratitude to their fans, having once more a taste of what they live for, the stage.

Yoochun is feeling so good he takes everyone out and buys them all new shoes.

Everything had felt like a beautiful dream as they said goodbye to South America and got on the plane back to South Korea, back to reality.  Exhausted, finally they sleep on the long plane ride home.

Touching down in Korea the first person they see, rushing to them is their manager.

“I’m sorry Yoochun-ah, but your father has just passed away”

These words crashed down on him and he almost falls over, holding onto Junsu and Jae for support.  The other passengers are giving him either strange looks or shocked looks as they pass by them. 

Walking quickly, they see a flood load of people waiting for them.  Yoochun’s eyes are blinded with tears as he’s being led by bodyguards to his car.  Junsu and Jae also keep their heads down.  There’s enough Cassies there to stop some of the paparazzi from taking pictures but not all of them and the internet soon explodes with the few pictures that news reporters were able to snap.

At the hospital, Yoochun hugs a crying Yoohwan.  The three older boys are shaken once more in realization that their father won’t ever get to see Yoohwan star for the first time as the lead in his drama.  If only he had hung on just a month longer.

The next three days pass in a blur.  At first everyone cried but eventually Yoochun, as the elder brother, stood strong, and with red eyes led the memorial service.  He needed to be strong for Yoohwan, his mother, and his fans.  Yoohwan, Yoochun and Jaejoong didn’t eat ending up Yoohwan into the hospital for a day and then he back for the burial.  Junsu stood next to Yoochun sullenly.  Everyone looked like ghosts, pale, too thin and limp.  People came to express their condolences and Yoochun stood greeting them and thanking them for coming.  The Park brothers were scaring Junsu, but scaring him even more than them was Jaejoong.

He had been crying hysterically for the past three days, just as bad, or maybe even worse, than the Park brothers and yet he refused to go anywhere.  He didn’t eat or sleep, just cried and cried.  On the third day he collapsed and was finally was sent home.

Jaejoong was home with his sisters who were taking care of him and vaguely told his fans that Jaejoong isn’t doing too well.  Jaejoong lay in his house, not wanting to move.  He couldn’t even make it to Yoochun’s father’s burial.  He clutched at his chest cursing at himself for being so weak.  He looked over to his sisters making soup and cleaning his house and then to his parents.  His adoptive parents and tears flooded down his face again because they were very old now and his father was in the hospital not long ago too and he’s making them all worry and fuss over him.

He tries to eat the soup they made for him only to throw it up later, his body shutters as he almost blacks out and the only thing his family can do for him is lay him on his bed.

Yoochun reaches home.  His brother quickly escapes to his room.  He hugs his mother one last time before taking a long shower, the water mixing with his tears.  He can’t sleep still, even though his body is weighed down with fatigue, so he reaches for his computer and finds comfort in his fans and friends whom tweeted their condolences, many of them said for him to rest, for him to eat, and for him to lean on them.

His heart felt heavy in his chest.  ‘They are worried about me’ he thought.  He didn’t remember the last time he had eaten.  He went to the kitchen and made himself instant noodles before he went to sleep, he wanted to go to work tomorrow.  He wanted to show everyone he was okay.

A few days passed by and his family members one by one left, but not before they made sure that Jaejoong was eating.  Jaejoong willed himself to get up and check his phone, 214 missed calls and a full message box.  He took his time scrolling who had called, not even thinking of calling people back.  Then he saw a familiar number; it was Kyuhyun’s second cell phone number, which meant it was Yunho and Changmin.  He felt like he couldn’t breath and he was crying again, but he knew he wouldn’t call them back.  He just couldn’t talk to anyone right now.  If they asked how he was doing he was going to break down again.  He didn’t want to break down anymore. 

After settling himself down he looked through his messages.  Half of them from his friends, half from crazy fans that got his cell phone number.

Shame spread through him as he thought about his fans.  He had just promised, a few weeks ago, that he would be stronger.  That he wouldn’t break down.  ‘I’m such an idiot’ he thought ‘I’m such an idiot.  How can I face them again?  They probably hate me.  I broke our promise’.

Right then the cell phone rang and without thinking or checking he picked it up.

“Hyung?”

“…” Jaejoong couldn’t believe his ears “Changmin?” His voice was small and cracked; he hadn’t said anything for days.

“Hyung!” Changmin’s voice flooded in relief “Jaejoongie-hyung…” Jae could hear the younger crying on the other line and all he could do was cry too.  There was so much to say, and no words to express how much they missed each other. 

“Changmin?” Jae could hear in the background, it was Yunho’s voice.  Yunho’s.  He heard ruffling as Yunho took the phone.

“Jaejoongie?  Jae…” Yunho’s head flooded with questions and worries like ‘Why didn’t you pick up when we called earlier?’, ‘Are you eating?’, but most of all ‘are you okay?’ was stuck in his throat, because by the sobs on the other line, Jaejoong was most definitely not okay.

“Jaejoongie” he crooned “Jae-ah, sshhh don’t cry, Jae…”

“…But it hurts so bad Yunho…” Jae got out “Everything… it’s all too much…”

“I know…” Yunho said “but you have to be strong Jae… Be strong for your fans”

Jae sobbed loudly and had to cover his mouth “They hate me…” Jae confessed.

“No they don’t!” Changmin’s voice had fire in it “You idiot, they are worried sick over you!  You really need to get out of hiding before your fans go mad!  We were about to too!  You inconsiderate jerk!”

“Calm down Changmin!” Yunho yelled “Jae, what Changmin said is true though, they don’t hate you.  They are all worried sick about you, just like us.  If we didn’t talk to Junsu before about you and Yoochun earlier we would have gone mad.”

Jaejoong sniffed, letting himself believe what Yunho and Changmin were saying. “I miss you… I miss you guys… Changminnie your Grandma… I… I wanted to call… I just…”

“Idiot, everything here is fine” Changmin said a little strained “I’m fine”.

Jae nodded to himself.  Changmin is fine.  Changmin is fine.  He kept repeating in his head.

“We have to go” Yunho said, now in a whisper “Jae, we miss you too, okay?  We live under one sky, right?  That means we are closer than you think.  I love you”.

Jae’s heart hitched.  He loves me.  He still loves me. “I love you too”.

“You better eat something, got it?” Changmin asked, his voice shaking a little, reminding Jaejoong that no matter how strong Changmin acted he was still their maknae.

“I will.  Thank you.  I love you.”

And the line went dead.

Jae took a deep breath and opened his curtain, wincing at the sunlight he hadn't seen in ages.  It was late into the day and the sky was a bright blue.  It’s not too much.  It's not too much for him to handle.  His heart was still heavy, his body still ached but he could live on becuase he still had s, his family and his fans.

*WILL NO LONGER BE UPDATING ON ASIANFANFICS!!!! MOVED TO : http://tsubasangel.livejournal.com/