Liu 3

Why is it when I'm finally not miserable, you are? Did you like seeing me unhappy? Or does watching me move on make you realize what you lost?

With my white, wooden door shut behind the disgusting couple, it was all I could do to ignore the dim surrounding of my tiny room, my small, circle-shaped window allowing slanting sunshine to a bare minimum...Which was a shame considering I loved the sun more than anything else. If only the sun was blue; oh my, then I would've loved it. Okay well, anyway, going back to the topic - there I was, backpack hanging down from my closed fist in one hand, my other tightly, more than necessary, gripping the edge of the lime green porcelain plate used to batch the delicious sandwich. One good (or bad, depending on how you look at it) thing about plain sandwiches? They were perfect for eating alone. Two hands and a mouth, that's all you need. Company wasn't necessary, especially in this case where it was not only unnecessary but lacking.

Oh stop complaining Amber; you're used to this already...right?

Sure, I thought, as I efficiently unpacked my things and strode around the room, the neat beige carpet huffing softly every time I stepped on it.

Sure, I'm used to this, I assured myself, as I straightened up my bed, sometimes even standing on my tippy-toes to reach the far corners. Much to my dismay, my arms weren't long and lean like Janice's yet, and we couldn't afford a maid or some sort at all. Not that I knew those kind of services even existed at that age, but still. Like I said, I learned to fend for myself since a long time ago.

Yet, despite the various methods of preparation I've already learned to apply, there was always that one problem that always made my heart feel so, so heavy every time I stopped to think about it, both when I was home and not, and which made me so, so tired, weary, and alone -

Just what in the world am I going to do until I sleep?

Again, it wasn't like I had anyone to be with me; my sister was a bit, um, preoccupied, and even if she wasn't, with Myungsoo right there she would never give a hoot about anything else. Tch, loveholics. And Kibum had to go to the dentist for something that I couldn't exactly comprehend at the age of five, and...well, there was, I realized, just one more person I could be thinking about all the way until the sun went down to its slumber and the moon arose to claim the night -

Cheol-Yong.

But of course, he isn't worth my time, is he? I wondered, as I bit into my sandwich and scribbled all over my coloring books. Art wasn't my biggest hobby or anything, but it did keep me occupied, and helped to block my thoughts out every once in a while. Somehow, though, I managed to pick up a dark orange crayon that strongly resembled that immature prince's hair, and before I knew it I was drawing a rather bad doodle of him, my pent-up anger and, not to mention, the mini bruise that once resulted from his head slap, fueling the worst image possible. I barely even tasted the sweet strawberry jam or the oily peanut butter, and the crumbs of the grainy wheat bread spilled all over my desk without a care in the world. The whole time, I was only thinking, Gosh, Cheol-Yong, you big meanie! Just 'cause you're good-looking, or hot as Janice would probably say, doesn't mean you can always push me away! You think I do this to everyone? You think I'm always this nice and open to anyone? Well you're wrong! Kibum...He, I only helped him because he deserved it, and because you were beating the hell out of him real bad! What else was I supposed to do? But then, now he already knocked off my armor and I can't fend for myself as well as I used to...but him I can forgive because he's nice. But you...what am I supposed to do with you? What, what, what?

This is the first time I cared so much about someone too; just what in the world is this...? I should only be thinking about myself right now, or maybe just about Kibum and what we could do tomorrow. But no, you've been so mean to me, even worse than Janice, and...I can't get rid of you.

No, actually, I realized, as I sat back and stared at my messy, scribbled, dark drawing punctured with many shots of my now subsiding anger, I can. There's nothing I can't do...heck, I know how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, how to scoop up a melting popsicle off of the sidewalk, how to be patient with a guy like you, and even to fight. That should be enough, right?

No, no I shouldn't be like this...not at all. What am I doing wasting time being mad about you? No, I'm being, as Janice learned from her boyfriend, a total babo.

I'm just wasting time...right?

Completely immersed within my new (and a bit speedy?) revelation, I quickly crumpled up the drawing and threw it away in my Blue Bear trash can, marking the aim perfectly. Glancing over at my plate, my meal was already over, I saw. I was a bit dismayed at how, thanks to that immature prince, I couldn't even taste my food properly. I generally hated time wasted, but there was nothing else I could really do about it, was there? With a suppressed sigh, I quietly slid out of my room and, tip-toe-ing towards the kitchen so as to not disturb the couple, gently placed the glass plate in the sink before scooting away back to the privacy of my bedroom.

All I could think, though, as I eased the door closed and crawled underneath my comforting covers which always hugged me comfortingly, was, This is gonna be a long day...

~*

"Amber?" someone asked, their voice slightly muffled and distorted, as if cotton balls were plugged in my ears. Confused, I opened my eyes and cautiously looked around me, realizing that I was actually lying down upon a not-too-hot-or-cold floor of pure, gleaming glass white. Seeing as how nothing was attacking me or suffocating me however, except maybe the white almost blinding me, I sat up, only to realize that my arms and legs were a whole lot longer. My feet were bigger too; clearly, those black Chucks couldn't fit a five-year-old's feet as perfectly as it did then.

Am I all grown up? I wondered, astounded. Then, a strand of long hair fell upon my fancy blue jeans lap and, with widened eyes, I saw it was a pale shade of blonde, the same as that Sang-Hyun kid.

Whoa...what's going on?

But before I could even react to all these new and profound changes of mine, the same voice rang across the boundaries of the "room" again, making my head snap up. I know that voice sounds familiar...I do. I heard it somewhere, but...where?

"U-Um yeah?" I called out, feeling a bit stupid talking to midair. But before I could ever do so much as blink, there he was, a blurry but nevertheless existing figure of...of...someone. I couldn't quite place him, for although he had the flaming red hair belonging to my one and only immature prince, his skinny and slightly weak body looked like that of what Kibum's might look ten or so years later. Basically it was two people combined into one, with the official windows of the soul hidden so as to make me figure the mysterious person out on my own. Obscured by clouds of fog that made me shiver from its chilling hazes of due, it was all I could do to stand up straight and peer in against my will, wondering what I would possibly face.

"Who are you?" I whispered, drawing the ends of what I saw to be a black cardigan tighter around myself. Funny, I thought, in the corner of my mind, I would never wear a cardigan like mom always does to work...right?

"You'll see," he replied, his voice singsong and distant, but etched with whispers, as if revealing a great secret. But, through the beady fog, I noticed his pink lips curve into a smirk before a horde of whispers overwhelmed me, all dark and rushed and menacing, as if they were the Devil himself telling me and welcoming me into the arms of this mysterious figure. Scared, I started to back off when, all of a sudden, I heard a car screeching behind me, as if it lost control of the wheel. Whipping my head towards the scene, despite my pleading will, I witnessed, with widened eyes and a frantic heart, a random black car flipping multiple times before finally dying out, lost amidst a dance of flames and sparks.

What a scary dream...I thought, as I bit my lip and felt warm tears sliding down my cheeks. At first, I thought this would be another one of those heaven-angel dreams where there was nothing but happiness, but happiness seemed to have died a long time ago in this empty place. First a hybrid human/ghost person of the two people who mattered the most to me, then freakish whispers, along with an impromptu but devastating car crash. None of these things ever happened to me so far...although a part of me somehow anticipated it, with dread, as if these terrible events will somehow unfold themselves throughout the passage of my life, when I least expected it. Oh how I hoped that wouldn't be true. 

As I stood there, processing all the evil purging within my nightmare dream, I was deaf to everything through my fear of what I knew were things later to come - the threatening whispers, which were now silenced and muffled within my ears, the rushes of the flames surrounding the wrecked black car, eager to burn everything within its grasp, and most of all, the mysterious figure's singsong, yet now soothing voice as he tightly grasped on my shoulders, making me jump as he whispered, his breath tickling my ear,

"I'm the one for you. No matter what happens, don't look any other way."

And all of a sudden, as if his voice controlled even the slightest changes to the setting of my dream, the empty yet deceiving, pure white of my dream, not to mention the destruction of the random car and the menacing whispers, all melted away - literally - as now, everywhere around me was a cool sapphire glass, glass shards as huge as Redwood trees and church chapels floating around as walls, pure black darkness residing otherwise.

W-What does sapphire have to do with anything? I wondered, trembling so much a giant could've mistaken me for a human phone on vibrate. "And...just who in the world are you?" I mumbled, turning around, slowly, for I was more hesitant than ever to turn to the source of the voice, not to mention accept this brand new, haunting, distorted reality of this stranger being attached to me like so, the recent terrible events crushing my heart, and my new body and image itself, revealing a feminine side I both dreaded and hated, but nevertheless possessed, all against my helpless will -

"Don't come near me."

~*

And with that the dream ended, my eyes only making it to a pair of pink lips, dewy from where he first was, before everything faded away and my eyes flipped open and I panted to no end. Slowly returning back to reality, I noticed that my face and hair were both wet from cold sweat as my fingers gripped the side of my blankets, now tossed about my knees, hard. Wanting to look anywhere, anywhere besides tuning back into that dream, I searched for refuge in my window, but faced disappointment as I realized that I dozed for so long, the sun got bored of me and once more descended down the hills, the moon taking its place. But I need not worry about sinking back into the previous, terrible horrors for long, for -

"Amber!" my sister called out, loudly, right after a giggle caused most likely by Myungsoo permeated from . Ugh, he's still here, a part of me - the only part of me not dumbfounded and incredibly scared from that haunting dream - grumbled as somehow, my feet found its way to the floor and dragged me out, all the way to the blindingly white kitchen.

Although they wouldn't notice, I tried to hide my trembling self, as the white of the walls effortlessly reminded me of the time I saw that mysterious grown-up figure. Half of me actually expected to confront him face-to-face during the whole time I weakly padded towards my small, cushioned seat, but to my relief I didn't. Nor did I ever hear a car crash disturbing the course of night, right outside the boundaries of my house as I dug into my leftover spaghetti and meatballs from the day before that Janice heated up. And, thank God for once that Myungsoo was here, for he and my sister did a good job talking and laughing over any possible, haunting, scratchy whispers that could've been hissed from thin air like it did then.

Unable to think of anything else though, as the night grudgingly faded away and eventually I restored myself back to sleep at around 10:45 PM, half-listening to the sweet nothings Myungsoo and my sister murmured to each other in the living room, it was all I could do to wipe the terrible dream as strongly as I could from my mind.

No matter how scary it had been...

No matter how mysterious everything was...

And, no matter how real it seemed.

All I wanted was some happiness. To be by myself, or with Kibum, or maybe even be able to comfort Cheol-Yong if I had the chance. But of course, just like I couldn't predict when the sun would come up and when it wouldn't, so was it with the course of destiny's play within my life. Nobody knew, and nobody could control it. I was one of them.

But...who would've ever known that...that that nightmare was more real to me than even the warmest rays of the sun I faced every morning? More real to me than my fingers or the soft fleece of my blanket? More real to me...than me myself?

'Cause soon, that would be me. And he...would be someone I greatly treasure.