"Jong, I...I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Lu." I did my best to give him the warmest smile I could muster up. I was happy for him. I really was. With the rest of his family still in China, the only possible consolation was the opportunity to pursue his passion. I wasn't about to stand in the way. He deserved it. Probably more than I did.
I sat on my bed, looking down at where he resided on the floor. His expressions was a mixture of sincere regret and apologetic hesitation. The look on his face made it impossible for me to hate him, as much as my mind was urging me to do so. It was the look of a person who was lost; alone; afraid. It was a reflection of all the hardships and bad memories that had followed him throughout his life. There was no way I wouldn't be able to forgive him.
"You're mad...I can tell."
Guilt slammed into me, more painful and powerful than a blow to the head. Was I mad? My emotions were overwhelming me to the point where I couldn't control the affect they had on my thoughts. They ruled me; my actions, my expressions, my words. Even if I wasn't conscious of it, my face probably betrayed all of my irrational, unspoken feelings.
"I..." I spoke slowly, choosing my words with the utmost care. "I'm...not mad...at you. I don't want to be."
"But you are, all the same," he whispered. Alarm shot through me as tears began to cascade down his face, gathering at the edge of his chin and falling into his open-faced hands. He wasn't supposed to cry. He was supposed to feel victorious at the prospect of that single shining dream that was mere inches away from his expectant hands. He was supposed to be happy, but the only thing standing in the way of that was me.
I found myself rushing to his side; wrapping my arm around his small figure; rocking him back and forth while whispering comforting things in his ear. The amount of love and compassion that filled my heart when I was by his side was identical to that of a brother. The role of guardian was permanently branded on me, making it impossible for me to forget that it was my obligation to always protect and comfort Luhan. It was that obligation that drove my hurt, bitter feelings away.
"Lu," I spoke softly, pulling him towards me and resting his head on my shoulder. I could feel his tears sink through my shirt and the vibrations of his restrained sobs. I pressed my lips to his hair. "Lu, I'm proud of you." And I meant it.
We sat like that, Luhan's raggedy breathing slowing little by little, while the sun descended gradually from its overhead location. Shadows of tree branches and falling leaves danced across the carpet around our joined figures. All I wanted to do was cherish the moment; bask in the perfect harmony at which our breathing escaped our mouths. Soon, he'd be gone. Soon, it would be completely possible that I would never see him again off stage or off screen. That knowledge set my heart ablaze with fiery determination. That audition was no longer for my sake; no longer for my family's sake. It was so that one day, I'd be able to stand next to Luhan as a fellow trainee, friend, and brother.
"Jong...I shouldn't have signed it." Luhan spoke into my shoulder, his voice faint.
"What? No. You did the right thing. I promise, you won't have any regrets."
He pulled away, forcing me to break my hold around him. My eyes searched his face, looking for any hint of why he suddenly felt as though he made the wrong decision.
"I wanted to...do the audition with you...and know what it's like to accomplish something...with a friend."
I turned my face away, trying to laugh and hide my own tears. I was so selfish. I didn't deserve someone like Luhan as a best friend. While he regretted finally reaching his life-long dream, I was sulking and asking myself why it was never me who came out on top the easy way.
"I would've signed it if it were me," I stated simply, turning back around and locking my hard gaze on his wet, insistent eyes. "So yes, you should have signed it."
"I don't want to go...without you."
He wasn't going to let it go. I could see that by the icy steel that filled his eyes. He stood up suddenly, moving toward the door.
"Where are you going?" My voice was panicked. I hadn't gotten enough time with him.
"To tell them that I don't want to do it anymore. I'd rather fail the audition with you than go on ahead without you." His voice was rigid and unwavering, the helplessness that had filled it before having dissipated immediately.
I blocked his path instantly, standing in between him and the door, my jaw locked.
"Don't you dare."
"It's my choice. Let me through." He stepped to the side, forcing me to mirror his movements. I glared at him, narrowing my eyes. Seriously. What was he thinking?
"No," I replied defiantly, wrapping my hands around his wrists and forcing him back. He pulled his hands away, breaking my grip. Massaging his wrists, he shot me a death stare.
"I'll do whatever I want. And I want to rip up that contract. Let me through."
I took a deep breath. Nothing I said would change his mind. That much was obvious. My words would have no effect on him. Except...
"I didn't want to do the audition with you anyway." My insides flinched at my own words. It was the only way to prevent him from going out there and shredding that binding contract. Even though it was necessary, it still pained me to hear the words leave my mouth.
Luhan froze. "What?"
"Sorry to tell you this now," I continued, praying that my voice wouldn't betray the fact that all of my words were complete and utter bull. I had no choice. "You would have just gotten in the way. Your dancing isn't all that great, and your singing is mediocre. Even if you go out there and cancel the contract, I'm not going to do the audition with you. Because if we don't make it, it'll be your fault."
I watched in pained silence as Luhan's bottom lip began to tremble dangerously, more tears flowing down his face, which was twisted into a mask of confusion.
"You're lying. You're just saying that so I won't cancel it and rip that thing up." I stared coldly at him, forcing back the tears that threatened to surface. I couldn't let him follow through with it. He had to continue along the path he had set for himself. I wasn't going to let him turn back.
"I wish I were lying," I replied icily, "but I'm not. Sorry, Lu," I smiled passively, "but you're not good enough for me."
It took everything within me to remain stoic as Luhan bent over and began to sob into his hands. My fists clenched in restraint as I kept myself from breaking down with him and admitting that everything I said were lies. I blinked back the tears as my heart was wrenched from within my chest. Lu's violent sobs had more of an effect on me than I had originally thought.
"You're going to have to leave now. I have to practice for the audition," I steeled myself in order to protect myself from my next words, "with my friend, Baekhyun. I don't want you troubling my mom."
Luhan straightened up, head bent, gaze aimed downwards. He lifted his head to look at me. I stared back steadily, trying to ignore the consuming guilt that, at any moment, would find me on my knees and begging for his forgiveness.
"So...you're doing the audition...with someone else?" His voice shook, and I saw something cold and black take root in the expression on his face. My blood turned cold as the warm, innocent, angelic look that forever existed on his face melted away, only to be replaced by cold, bitter anger. I shuddered slightly at the change. His face was almost unrecognizable.
"Yes," I replied, "He's a great singer and dancer. I've known him since before I met you. He's my best friend. With him, I'm almost guaranteed a spot in SM."
I moved away from the door to signal my wish for him to leave. He stepped forward and wrenched open the door, pausing on his way out and turning back to shoot me yet another cold look.
"Well, I hope you get what you want. Have a good life, Jongin." He slammed the door behind him.
I stood there, absorbing the reality that Luhan had just walked out of my life; out of our supposedly eternal friendship. I should've been happy that I prevented him from pulling out of SM. I should've congratulated myself for pulling off being so cruel to him.
But I wasn't happy. I wasn't relieved.
I was miserable, and as I sank stiffly to my knees, tears flooded my vision.
Luhan, I'm so sorry.
finally, the angst is emerging!! this isn't
even close to the full-scale angst this is going to
have, though...either way, i felt really bad when
wrote this...poor lu-baby 3 kai is so mean
to you...BUT HE ONLY DID IT SO YOU
COULDPURSUE YOUR DREAMS...SO
BABY DONT CRY! TONIGHT~
/fangirls/ their album is amazing
lol anywa, comment as always!
thank you and love you!