It’s been a week since she called Ko Daehyun of Infinite Company and asked to speak to his boss, and a week since he probably ignored it ever happened and maybe even thought of her as a stalker. Belen realised that she was chasing after a star that’s so hard to catch, like she was a ten year old sitting in the back seat of her father’s car, chasing after the moon. The further she ran, the further he moved away from her. It was time that she accepted it’s a one-time encounter, a twist of fate she was lucky enough to be a part of, one that would never happen again.

So Belen Torres chose to return to her fan-girl life.

After the success of the Infinite concert in Manila and the planned fan supports, all Inspirits in Manila gathered to celebrate and watch the replay of the Online broadcast of Infinite’s Seoul concert. A whole theatre was booked, tickets were sold, snacks and tea was provided for nearly a hundred fans. Belen was a part of the organising committee while she held her secret closer to her heart, prepared to take it to the grave with her. The replay concert was a massive success, and everyone, as they did in the actual Manila stop, had the time of their lives. The enthusiasm and excitement of the Filipino Inspirits was unmatched, together with unison singing and occasional emotional outbursts that weren’t uncommon amongst them all. Belen had her arm around Faye half the time, waving her light stick in the air, singing along to her favourite group. But whenever the camera closed up on Kim Sung Gyu, her heart burst and caught flame, making it a little hard for her to breathe. She had to come to accept it, somehow, that no matter what she did, Kim Sung gyu was a part of her that would never go away.

It wasn’t that she’s heartbroken by what happened. If anything, it’s what she expected. Why would Kim Sung Gyu, the leader of Infinite and the CEO of the Infinite Company want to have anything to do with just a another girl from hundreds of miles away whom he’d known for just a day five years ago? Belen bet he met hundreds of women after that. Maybe he liked a lot of them, maybe he dated some and that was none of her business. She was a fan now. A lot of fans accidentally or purposefully gifted their beloved dolls to their idols anyway. And that’s what Belen did too. One of those days, when the seller made another Chama, she would buy one, dress him up in cute little clothes and give him the best life possible. 

And tonight, with the hopes of doing that and even more, Belen would hang out with her fan girl friends, grab a drink, party out and live her best life. Just like Kim Sung Gyu told her on the day they first parted. ‘Live a good life, Belen Torres. Live the best life’

But only, god seemed to have other plans for her in their mind.

Belen was exiting the korean restaurant that her and a couple of her other friends (and Faye) hung out at after the concert screening when she received a strange phone call. She may have had one too many cans of Cass when that happened, that she was giggling and  laughing, one arm around Faye, and even drunkenly answered the call. She also may have said some drunken gibberish in tagalog, laughed even more, until the voice called her name.

“Belen Torres?”

Belen could have been on the other side of the universe, doing a hand stand on one arm, balancing Faye on the other, and she still would know that voice. Its the way he pronounced her name. Its the deep, husky tone of his voice. Its the gentleness, yet that familiar urgency. Its the way that her heart inflated, her ears rang like wedding bells, the way her world fell away.

She paused at the foot of the crossing and stared at the way the little red man turned green. The rest of her friends moved to traverse the road, but Belen stayed behind. Her universe had stopped in time.

“H-hello?”

Her korean was dodgy and broken, like her brain had short circuited. There’s no way. Belen told herself as she stared at Faye, wide eyed. There is no way.

But Kim Sung Gyu on the other end seemed to prove her otherwise.

“Hi, Belen Torres…Ssi. It’s me, Kim Sung Gyu”

The little green man blinked and blinked and blinked. Then it turned red.

“Hello?” A little hesitant at first. “Hello? Belen Torres-Ssi?” An awkward laughter. “Did I-did I get the wrong number?”

“No! No, no” Belen finally found her voice, still standing at the cross roads, her head spinning. “It’s-its me…Kim Sung Gyu-Ssi”

If somebody ever asked her if she believed in fate and chance encounters, Belen would have laughed until she broke down into tears. Good things were never supposed to happen  to somebody like her. She lost her parents in a car accident one stormy night many years ago, and since then, she had only lived hell. All her relationships with men had driven her to hate them, and she did a mediocre job that she despised as it put her into the most outrageous, god forsaken circumstances.

Until one night, when everything changed. Good fortune had followed her every day since then.

Now it was speaking to her over the phone, thousands of miles away. And he was laughing, soft, gentle and vibrant, like she was the funniest person he had ever met. On her right, Faye gasped, her eyes round like dishes. She grabbed Belen’s hand and walked right back the direction she came. Somewhere calmer, somewhere with less noise that could disrupt the sound of his soothing words, calming laughter. 

“Did I…catch you at the wrong time?”

I just watched you over a massive plastic screen, Belen wanted to tell him. And you’re calling me now. Could you believe that?

“I’m outside” Belen admitted sincerely, her drunkenness completely dissipated. Faye brought her into a nearby cafe, much calmer with a soft, aesthetic ambiance. Robotically, she allowed herself to be dragged to a table for two. “But Please” Belen added before he could put the phone away. “Talk to me…Sung Gyu-Ssi”

Sung Gyu laughed like a patter of rain on a drought. “Of course, if you don’t mind”

“I don’t”

Another laughter, and Belen looked absently at Faye who was waving both her hands.

“So um…Belen-Ssi…” Sung Gyu’s voice brought her back to that state of a dream. “I’m sorry…I’m calling you so late. I know that you had called Manager Ko before, but he took a while to get back to me…I’m calling you as soon as I received the message”

“Okay” Belen breathed, still struggling to find her words. “It’s-it’s okay…”

A moment of contemplative silence, and he added, albeit cautiously; “Are you okay? Is this not a good time to talk? I know its late over there, maybe I will call you-,”

“No!” She gasped and reached her hand out as if she could grab hold of him. “No, please, sorry. Please  talk”

She was greeted by his slow, breathy laughter. “You’re so cute”

“…Oh”

Oh

Ridiculous. Unbelievable. Did Kim Sung Gyu just call her over the phone and…call her cute? Is this real life? Was she still dreaming?

Faye returned to their table with a buzzer in her hand. The sound of her arms hitting the table proved to her that she was indeed, still awake.

“I’m sorry” Sung Gyu went on, on the other end. “I didn’t mean to….was I being too crude?”

“No” Belen’s chest was inflated like a balloon about to burst. But she took a bold step anyway. “You’re cute too…Sung Gyu-Ssi”

Faye lost her mind, swooned and fell across the table. At the other end of the line, Sung Gyu heartily giggled.

“Anyway” He went on soon after he recovered himself. “I won’t take too much of your time. I’m actually glad you called us, Belen-Ssi. Otherwise, I had no idea how to reach you…I have your doll. He’s safe with me, if that’s what you wanted to know”

Of course, he didn’t know it was so much more than just the doll. But Belen played along, because there was nowhere further they could go from there.

“Thank you” She muttered, holding the phone with both hands as Faye watched her cautiously. “I’m glad…he’s with you. At least he’s not lost”

“He’s doing well” Sung Gyu returned, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “In fact, I was going to arrange for him to be delivered to you, Belen-Ssi. But then we got busy, and it fell through…”

“It’s okay” Belen nodded, nodded and nodded. “I know that it’s been…busy. And I’m sorry that I left him with you”

“I’m sorry I didn’t give him back to you,” Sung Gyu added apologetically. There was a brief, thoughtful moment of silence, during which Belen imagined him rearranging his thoughts, somewhere in the summer heat of a long, Seoul night. 

“That day…” He started; a different tone in his voice now. “Belen-Ssi, to tell you the truth, when I first saw you in the crowd, I knew it was you…and when I saw you again during fan benefits, well,” A small, shy laughter, and; “You could say you made me forget where I was, for a second. I saw you, and I was back in that storm in Manila again”

Belen’s heart picked up pace, the more his words registered in her mind. She tried to recall the moment they met the first time five years later, that flicker in his eyes which she thought was recognition, that glimmer of realisation when he caught her eyes in the crowd again. He’d known it was her. He’d known it was her all along.

And now she couldn’t work out how that made her feel.

“Sorry, if I’m being a little too bold tonight” He went on in that same, apologetic tone.  “It’s very late out here, I had a few drinks with my friends, saw your doll on my cabinet when I came back home and found the courage to call you”

Faye returned to the counter when the buzzer started going off. It took so much effort not to fall apart in front of her; away from her attentive eyes, Belen closed her eyes and suppressed her screams. If she was told she’d be hearing back from Kim Sung Gyu five years after he met her and fell in love, Belen would have thought she was losing her mind, which wasn’t a sentiment far from the truth. Because she was. She was losing her mind.

“Okay” She managed another breathless reply.

“Okay” Sung Gyu returned, followed by a quiet grunt. “Well, then. That’s all I wanted to tell you, Belen Torres-Ssi. I have your doll with me. He’s safe with me…and I’m glad that you called”

The reserved tone of his voice made it clear that it was the end of their conversation, and Belen hadn’t gotten a word out for what she’d called him for the first place. He couldn’t just have the doll safely with him. Chama was her doll, her child, and she wanted him back.

“Wait” Belen called, just as Faye returned with a tray laden with drinks.

“Hm?” Sung Gyu perked up on the other end.

“I called you that day because I want Chama back”

There was a quiet moment, and she realised what she just said.

“The doll” She added for clarification. “I called because I want my doll back”

“Chama” Sung Gyu repeated thoughtfully. “Is that what he’s called?”

“That’s his name”

Sung Gyu laughed. “That’s so cute”

Belen pressed a hand to her face. “So, can I…have him back? Post him to me, maybe?”

“Hmm…I have him here with me” There was a muffled sound, something falling, and another grunt from him. “Well, I don’t know…He’s really happy here with me. I’m not sure I want to give him back”

What…?

Belen must have made a face that Faye looked at her with curious eyes. She scooted closer to her, but Belen held her phone even closer. 

“He’s my doll” Belen set her grounds. “I miss him…and I want him back” 

“Yes, but the doll is me” Sung Gyu went without a beat. “And I want to keep him”

Belen bit down her words for a second, but went with them anyway. “I didn’t mean to give him to you…I forgot him and left him with you”

“That’s child negligence” Sung Gyu returned, his tone so grave she’d have thought he was being serious. 

“Then what you did is kidnapping and forceful adoption” Belen played along, surprised that she even knew the korean terms for these words (She had to learn Korean legalese for her diploma, and never imagined that would come in handy in an incident like this)

“If he wants to stay with me, that’s the final” 

“Yes, but he’s not old enough to decide that”

“Okay” A sigh on his end. “How old is he now?”

“Five and a half”

Sung Gyu made a sound that she assumed was a gasp of surprise. “He’s still a baby and you forgot him like that?”

“Sung Gyu-Ssi…”

It was getting ridiculous now, why were they having this conversation anyway? But then again, she couldn’t help the smile fighting on her lips. She needed this, this silly bickering and stupid conversations with him, just like they did at that store over animal slippers on a stormy night. That’s what made them click, that’s what made them feel like best friends.

“You know what?” Sung Gyu filled the silence, still in his grave but jovial tone. “I won this round. Ask me again tomorrow, but for now, he’s staying with his father”

Father. Sung Gyu just called himself her doll child’s…father.

Was it really real life? Or did she get too drunk and hit her head?

And did he really think he could claim ownership over her doll like that?

“Wait” Belen reached for her drink and had a sip to sooth her parched mouth. “Are you challenging me for an…adoption battle right now?”

“Is that what it sounds like?” Sung Gyu asked, and he certainly couldn’t hide his giggle. He was so silly and she loved that.

“Sounds like that to me,” Belen laughed.

“Okay then” His tone lightened up, his voice softened. “Challenge accepted. May the best parent win!”

The battle was on. For the past three days, Sung Gyu had been texting with Belen back and forth, sending photos of her doll Chama having his best life with him in Seoul. He took him out to his office at the Infinite Company, sat him in his plush CEO chair and snapped a photograph of it to flaunt how higher up he had placed him, and in turn, Belen sent him a photo of her with the doll when they’ve hiked up a mountain together…literally higher up than Sung Gyu had placed him. He retorted to that with a photograph of when he took Chama out to Jeju island with Woohyun the other day, holding him up against the sun, showing him dolphins swimming around. The next photo was once again, one of Belen out in holiday on the beach. Despite how cute the doll looked in a tiny little short and a hat, Sung Gyu was a tad bit disappointed that she wasn’t in the photo with him. 

Along with the photo battle, they still talked. Sung Gyu knew the doll was only his excuse to somehow talk to her, and he really hoped the sentiment was the same to her. Maybe she was, for her responses were never short, never non-committal. She texted him like she actually wanted to talk to him. It was his role now to match that energy and pace of hers. On one of those days, Sung Gyu’s niece and nephew were staying over while his sister took his mum to a doctor’s appointment. He played with statues with the two of them because they were running all over the place and Sung Gyu didn’t quite know how to handle that. While they played statues, he made Chama pose along with them and sent the photograph to Belen. In the process of that, his finger slipped by accident (He was going to catch his niece who was running so fast, she nearly ran face-first into a wall) and ended up calling her.

Then Belen picked up. What was worse was that it was a video call.

What was even worse was that he had the phone held in a funny angle, and it was weekend during his break so he didn’t really bother to shave. It was humid outside, that he had multiple pimples popping on his face like mushrooms. And that was the Sung Gyu Belen had to see over the phone.

To which, she said; “Oh wow”

“Oh no, I’m sorry, that was an accident!” Sung Gyu tried to cut off the call, but in his panic, the phone slipped off his grip and fell onto the carpet. Yoonha peeked over the camera and moved her face so close, she must have looked like a little giant on the other end. Belen was giggling, such an endearing sound. And she looked really pretty too, while Sung Gyu was such a mess.

“Sorry, I’m sorry again!” He somehow battled between his adoptive human babies and picked up his phone. “I’m babysitting my niece and nephew today, and they’re just breaking a havoc here”

Belen was laughing. Although her phone too, was on a weird angle, she still looked very pretty, a hand pressed to , head tilted. Behind her was a massive infinite poster, which made him smile.

“You already have two actual babies to take care of, let me have mine” Belen complained when she finally found her composure. 

Sung Gyu was about to ask if he could switch to just audio call because he didn’t feel comfortable with her seeing his non-idol face. But she didn’t seem to mind. And she had already seen that face, once. She didn’t mind it then.

“They’re not mine” Sung Gyu propped up his phone on the sofa and reached for Chama on the cabinet behind him. “But he is”

“His name is Chama Torres. Torres!”

“He’s legally changed to Chama Kim” Sung Gyu deadpanned, holding the doll to his face. He was so soft and light weight in his hands. “And whom does he resemble, hm?”

Sung Gyu couldn’t really wait for her response, however, because Yoonho stuck his head into the view of the camera at the same time, inquisitive and curious. Belen greeted him with both hands.

“Hi!”

Realising there was an actual person on the other end of the phone, Yoonho covered his face with both hands and ran away.

“He’s shy!”

“That’s only now,” Sung Gyu laughed, shaking his head. Yoonho was his whole world now. He was his best friend and his favourite person, although he found it quite challenging to  take care of him when he had his baby sister around. He’d never introduced his niece and nephew to any of the girls he had dated before; none had been serious enough to introduce his family to. But with Belen, it was different. Belen wasn’t a girl he was dating; she was a girl he liked, very much, and felt he was very close to. He wanted Belen to be best friends with Yoonho and Yoonha. He wanted them to be the kind of people who could make funny faces over the phone and one day make sand castles together.

Sung Gyu reached out and caught Yoonha by the arm. He sat her in his lap.

“This is Yoonha. As you can tell, she is not shy”

Yoonha laughed so hard for no real reason and called Belen a butterfly. 

“She’s pretty,” Belen commented a moment after Yoonha screamed and ran across the room. Even from the tiny square of the screen, Sung Gyu could see her gleaming eyes, the brilliance of her smile, the way she hadn’t changed one bit from when he saw her five years ago. Pretty Sung Gyu found himself thinking, gazing at her in that brief silence. Pretty is you.

They were interrupted by the sound of his front door unlocking and both children screaming and running to the door to greet their mother. Sunggyu looked at Belen on the phone with a heavy heart.

“That’s my cue to leave”

“I can see that” Belen laughed heartily, her eyes turning into crescent moons.

“It was nice, talking to you” Even if it was brief, even if Sung Gyu wished they could talk for even longer.

“I hope you ring me by accident again” 

Sung Gyu just smiled, not knowing when that ever would be. He had reservations, ones that he couldn’t bring himself to talk about.

“I’ll catch you again, Belen Torres”

“Take care of my child for me”

“You mean my child?” He showed her the doll again. “I will!”

Their conversation ended soon after that. Sunggyu prolonged it as much as he could, waving his hand at her all until his family walked into the living room and cut off the line, carrying that weight within him. 

After that one video call, his wanting to talk to Belen Torres only increased by multitudes. Maybe he was just lonely. Maybe he was tired of sitting in his living room on his own, watching the games or movies or just staring at the skyline until dusk befell, marvelling at the slow changes of his life. Thing were relatively better when he was busy working, or when he was at his office, at his own agency or just hanging out with the boys. But as the end of the year approach, life would only become harder, things to distract himself with became lesser. The only thing that kept him sane for a while (Other than playing with the boys and his niece and nephew) was keeping up the co-parenting role with Belen Torres.

Sung Gyu knew others thought he was going out of his mind. Just the other day, Woohyun invited him out to have brunch together. He had some work-related matters to discuss, what with his individual agency’s new merger with a bigger agency and all his contractual rights being transferred. Woohyun was habitually late to turn up that day, and Sung Gyu who never got mad for people not sticking to punctuality, spent that time setting up Chama in every angle possible in that   rather artsy-looking cafe and snapping photographs of him. He posted a few to Belen Torres, especially the one which Chama was posing with Sung Gyu’s dish of Caesar salad. He captioned it with; “Appa feeding me only healthy food”

Five minutes later (Which Sung gyu waited through impatiently because it felt like forever) the phone pinged with a message. It was Belen, and she’d sent a picture of Chama standing beside a plate of Palabok and fried chicken at a Jollibee, captioned ‘Omma lets me have my favorite food!’

Belen had been introducing him to bits and pieces of her culture through her photos of Chama, and he’d rather enjoyed it, like his own form of a little documentary. She’d introduced him to different food, different places and different words which he’d often seen on social media and never really knew the exact meanings of as he’d only gotten to know them through badly executed google translations. Belen had him invested, not only in playing this silly little game of parenting a doll child, but also learning new things and looking forward for adventure. He’s been invested in it so much that he now feared how long that high was going to last.

“Hyung! What are you smiling about!?!” 

Woohyun’s voice boomed across the table, Woohyun whom Sung Gyu didn’t even realise had arrived. His view was blocked by Chama’s big head, whom Sung Gyu had propped up against the paper napkin holder. Sung Gyu quickly put his phone aside and covered it with a serviette for good measure. Woohyun rolled his eyes at this and moved the doll aside.

“Quit it, Hyung. I know you’re flirting with Belen Torres all the time”

The word flirting left a bit of a shock in his chest. It wasn’t flirting. It was talking, like all good friends do. Because that’s what they were.

“We’re just having a nice chat”

“About a doll?” Woohyun’s brows nearly reached his hairline. Sung Gyu rolled his eyes and reached for Chama. He didn’t want his doll child to be disrespected like that.

“It’s just a bit of fun”

A corner of Woohyun’s lips lifted. “You’re never the kind of guy to have a bit of fun talking about stuffed dolls, hyung”

“Well then, you never knew me enough” Sung Gyu set the doll in his lap and reached for his salad. “Did you order?”

“I thought you were feeding me today” A cautious glance at him. “You know, to celebrate getting a girlfriend and all”

“Woohyun” Sung Gyu sighed. “It’s nothing like that…”

Reaching across the table, Woohyun helped himself to a spoonful of Sung Gyu’s salad. Wordlessly, Sung Gyu moved his salad bowl to the centre of the table so they could both share.

“You should have seen yourself just now. All smiley and happy…” He was speaking through a full mouth now, not exactly meeting his eyes. “I know you’re happy when you’re with us. But it's a different kind of happy that I see on you now…like you’re glowing”

Sung Gyu felt his ears burning up. It’s been a while since he felt anything like this. That energy and excitement; the warmth, the hopefulness. He jumped in glee every time his phone pinged, and he no longer lazily laid about, worrying for an unforeseen future. He no longer felt the need to sit on roadside curbs and watch the passing people, waiting for them to recognise him. Most importantly, he didn’t feel shy or silly to carry a plush doll of himself around. He carried Chama with him with a little bit of pride, and it was all thanks to her. 

“It’s a good thing, it’s a very good thing” Woohyun was still telling him and glanced up, there’s a smile in his eyes. “You think you have feelings for her, hyung?”

Feelings. Feelings. Sung Gyu found himself repeating the word in his head and try associating it with his circumstances. He did have feelings, alright. But he wasn’t sure how to define them.

“It’s not…romantic” Sung Gyu admitted sincerely, but he couldn’t really meet his eyes. “It’s not the kind of feelings you’re talking about”

“Like, you don’t love her?”

Sung Gyu scrunched his nose. “Love is a big word, Woohyun. And no,” He shook his head. “If there are different kinds of loves, then yes, its a form of it that’s there…it's just”

He couldn’t help the sigh of relief that raised up his chest. Thoughts of her calmed his racing heart, sometimes. And helped him organise his thoughts. When he was talking to her, he didn’t feel the pressure he often felt around a lot of people in his life. With his bandmates, he always felt a sense of responsibility to do better, to make their lives easier, to make sure that he led them right, prioritised their comfort and the needs of his team. When he was with his family, he was the son who carried a lot of financial and familial burden; his parents’ health, his sister’s future, his niece and nephews lives. When he was with his peers, it's all about respect and hard work. With his fans, he had to worry about their happiness, keeping his image, fulfil his duty as their idol, as their singer, as the leader of their favourite group. There was so much pressure with all parts of his small circle…except for Belen  Torres. With Belen Torres, Sung gyu was just…him.

“I love…having her in my life, is probably the kind of love I’m talking about” Sung Gyu told him once he organised his thoughts. “You know, she’s just…simple. She’s easy. There is no pressure, there is no weight…”

“Is there pressure and weight when you’re with…me?”

There is a tinge of concern in his voice, a bit of pain. Sung Gyu his lip. 

“There is,” He admitted sincerely. “You’re my best friend. But you’re also my bandmate. You’re still someone I work with”

“I know…” 

“But Belen, she’s just…” The smile that came to his lips was just natural, like her existence was to just make him smile. “She’s someone I could be silly with, you know. There’s no other strings attached. And I kind of needed that, Woohyun. I needed…someone like her. I didn’t realise it until now”

Until he said it out loud, Sung Gyu didn’t realise how much Belen Torres’s existence meant to him. He was distressed at times; with work, with family, with life in general, and Belen Torres was the one who gave him the outlet and the leeway to run away from all of it, even for a while. He enjoyed himself when he put her little doll in cute little outfits and in funny poses to take photos of him and share with her. He loved the distraction of playing the silly game of co-parents and a custody battle of a plush toy child who was meant to resemble him. Everyone had their own forms of getaways, and Sung Gyu realised, for him, the one that provided it was her.

He knew, however, that it wasn’t going to be just that all the time. As much as she was there for him, he had to be there for her.

It’s been fifteen years since her parents passed away. Belen Torres despised rain storms since then. The sound of resounding thunder, howling winds and heavy rains always reminded her of the storm that once took her parents away from her, the one event that altered her life forever. Every year when that month came around, back when Belen was still living in her hometown, she celebrated the anniversary of their passing with the rest of her extended family. Her lola always cried about how she’d outlived both her son and daughter in law, yet never failed to cook a feast in remembrance of their beautiful lives, taken too soon. Every year, she’d start praying nine days before, and prepare a ceremonial lunch of her parent’s favourite dishes on the day of their death anniversary. She’d gather the entire family and people from neighbouring houses to share a meal in their name, share stories from their past and always recount the story of how their parents met, fell in love with each other and had her. Later in the day, Belen and her cousins, along with her lola, would visit her parents’ grave which herself, her cousins and lola would wash, clean and pull out the weeds from, and lay out dishes of their favourite food on the gravestones. Afterwards, her Tiyas would set down a picnic mat beside the gravestones and they’d sit together, watching the setting sun. 

Ever since Belen moved out from her hometown, she hadn’t had a chance to visit her parents on their anniversary. For this reason, she hadn’t followed through the same process of death anniversary celebrations as her lola and Tiyas did. Instead, she’d visit the Binondo Church in the morning in her nicest black outfit, pray in their names and wished, in her heart, the wind would carry her prayers to them. She’d later stand outside the church, in the middle of Plaza San Lorenzo Ruiz, watching the endless fall of the stone fountain, hating the sound of water, hating the rain, hating storms, hating the clear blue sky, so innocent and quiet on a day that it had once unleashed its inner monster and destroyed her life.

Belen hated it that this day came to her once every year. She often wished she could close her eyes and stay rigid the longest time she could until this day passed by. But no matter how much she blinked, the day stretched out to eternity, and every year, her heart broke apart a little more.

Although it was the fifteenth year since their passing, Belen did not stray from her usual routine of death anniversary celebrations. She did her prayers, she stood outside the fountain, hating that mass of water, hating her life. Since she couldn’t exactly visit her parents’ grave, she returned home and cooked a lunch feast by herself. She hadn’t felt lonelier until then, looking down at a massive array of food she’d prepare and having no appetite to eat. She first served the meals to her parents’ memorial at home and did her prayers. She did have a little bit of the rice and chicken adobo afterwards, which used to be her Nanay's favourite dish. Although it’s been so many years, food still felt like sand in . Deciding to later pack up the food and give it out to her neighbours, Belen left them running cold on her table and returned to her room. She couldn’t cry. She wasn’t even meant to cry. Tolerate, buckle up and grow. Such had been life for her, all the time.

But this year, unlike the previous few, something changed. Maybe her parents up there heard her prayers, maybe they saw her loneliness and her breaking heart. Maybe they saw how much she wished she could break apart but couldn’t, for she had to stay strong for herself. Prayers were answered in the strangest way for her. That night, after so many days of just texts and pictures exchanged, Kim Sung Gyu suddenly called her up on her phone. 

Belen had just started packing up the food to be given to her neighbours when her phone started to ring. She had set a specific sound for Kakao app, that the moment it started echoing in her quiet, empty flat, Belen knew it was him. Her heart picking up at the sound of it was a natural reaction, so was the way she found solace even in the blurry image of him on the screen. There was no reason she could think of for Sung Gyu to call her at that time. For one, it was an odd hour of the day for him to call her. For the other, it was also in the middle of the day. She picked up, nonetheless. And Sung Gyu’s head full of caramel hair was the first thing that appeared on the screen.

“Oh! I didn’t think you’d pick up”

“I am at home today” She set the phone on the middle of the table among dishes of rice and adobo and store-bought Lechon, and continued to pack up the food.

“Why is that?” He asked, narrowed his eyes and seemed to keenly observe the screen. “That’s a lot of food over there”

“Yeah, I’m packing them up” She set one individual pack aside and moved on to make another. “To give them out to neighbours”

“Oh,” Sung Gyu nodded curiously, and she could see he was seemingly in a car as he spoke to her, and his hair was in a bit of a mess. The thin outline and pinkish eye-shadow was hard to miss. “Is it…a traditional thing? I’m sorry if I’m asking too many things”

Belen shook her head slowly, and she hoped her trying to smile did anything to ease his worries. Her heart was heavy, but Belen Torres wasn’t the best at expressing emotions. She couldn’t even lift her eyes when she told him, albeit feeling like a burden the whole time, “It’s my parents’ death anniversary today…” She set aside another pack and moved on to the next. “It’s been fifteen years”

Whenever she spoke about her parents’ passing, people would react with silence, followed by quiet, reserved apologies. She always wanted to tell them that they weren’t at fault, that typhoons happened when typhoons happened, that there’s nobody that could have stopped it. But she never found the heart or the courage to say anything but bow her head low and accept their concerns. Sung gyu was no different from everyone else and she couldn’t really blame him for that. There was a quiet moment. There was his apology, and her heart gripped with the need to tell him that he’s never at fault. If anything, she was grateful beyond words that he was here.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Belen told him when she couldn’t stop herself. “It’s the typhoon that should apologise to me, not you”

A brief moment of silence, and he said; “I hate that typhoon”

Belen burst into laughter and watched the way his eyes thinned into crescent moons. 

“I hate it too,” Belen added, shaking her head. And silently she added the weight of that guilt she had carried with herself forever; “I hate that I survived”

When Storm Quinta first hit their region, Belen was staying over with her cousins and Tiyas because her parents were out of town. They owned a family business after her mother’s family passed on their lumber business to her. Belen’s father left his job at a local factory to support her mother’s business, and with their combined strength the business flourished to the point they had many local vendors, factories and housing companies seeking their service. They didn’t own a large factory with hundreds of workers and people to represent them at business trips. Belen’s parents had to do it on their own. Because of this, they were always on the road in their truck, travelling to places, talking to people and essentially seeking buyers and keeping their business running. Growing up, Belen didn’t really mind that. She loved staying over at Lolo and Lola because that’s where both her Tiyas and their children lived. Since she was an only child, the only company she had was her cousin sisters and brothers. Even into her late teens, they were her bestest friends. 

Typhoon Quinta hit their neighbourhood badly. She could still recall the sound of the howling winds, the way she felt like the whole house would uproot from the ground. The rain and thundering was endless, like a giant was stomping all over the Luzon peninsula. Although it hadn’t supposedly lasted long, she felt like it lasted forever. By the time the storm left their region, leaving them with just the rain, no howling, no heavy winds, their small town was already devastated; roads flooded, trees fallen, blocking the roads. Exactly three deaths were reported from their region; and two of them had been her parents, caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

To this day, she wished she’d been in that truck with them. Her parents worked so hard, only to raise her, to give her the best life. They had often invited her along on their trips so they could have little adventures together, but she always picked her own comfort over their happiness, her life over them. If she had taken those trips with them, at least when life wasn’t coming in her way, she would have fonder memories of them to live with. But now, even after fifteen years had passed, it was guilt, hurt and remorse that she had left of them.  

“Belen-Ssi…” Sung Gyu called her quietly, and she realised she’d been sticking a spoon into a half-empty bowl of rice, deep in thought. She pulled herself out of that deep hole of regret, and went onto the back the last of the food that she had left.

“Fifteen years” She shook her head, although that night still felt like yesterday. “I can’t believe it’s been so long”

Sung Gyu seemed to glance outside the vehicle and turned back to her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Belen wished she could. But that’s an unnecessary burden that she didn’t want to lay out on him. Sung Gyu was someone she found so easy to talk with. His ample amount of positive energy was infectious, and she was glad it hadn’t gone down one bit the past few years. But it just felt wrong to take advantage of that. After all, the relationship that they had now was just…

She sighed heavily, shaking her head, and reached for the large plastic bag she’d been keeping to carry the food in. “Do you want to see my neighbourhood, Sung Gyu-Ssi?”

Sunggyu smiled at this the widest, his eyes crinkling. “I’m glad you asked”

Belen lived in quite a busy housing scheme in where many of her neighbours were of chinese descent. Although not as quiet and peaceful as her hometown, she could imagine herself living here for the long run; it was loud, it was vibrant and never gets lonely. Above everything else, she had a lovely set of neighbours, mostly consisting of older Tiyas and little families who often shared Merienda during festivals and special occasions and admired each others’ little gardens and potted plants. Everyone loved the neighbourhood cats and the kids that played in the alleyway when vehicles weren’t passing through. It gets a little messy during the rainy days. But otherwise, its livable, it was nice.

Belen handed out the packaged food to her neighbours and they were nice enough not to ask or say anything about her late parents. Sung Gyu was on the phone the entire time, quietly watching everything. Belen introduced him to only two aunties who didn't know anything about kpop, and most of them only saw the top of Sung Gyu’s caramel head as he bowed deeply in greeting. A few minutes later, she found herself trudging upstairs to her flat with now an empty plastic bag, her heart a little lighter than before.

Once they reached her house, she felt like the four walls were starting to close up around her. The aroma of the food was now gone, replaced by the stench of burning candles by her parents’ memorial. Belen sat in front of them, Sung Gyu still on the screen of her phone and quiet. She showed her parents to him, their family photographs when she was really young, her parents’ wedding photo, the one of herself as a baby, held in her mother’s arms.

“You look like your ommoni” Sung Gyu commented quietly, and that made her smile. It was the only way her parents could meet the only man who’d managed to change her mind. She set the phone with him on a table in the living room, her parents’ memorial in the backdrop. 

“Nanay is prettier, I can’t be like her”

“Nanay” Sung Gyu stated adorably, and she was surprised by his perfect tagalog pronunciation. “Nanay is pretty…but so are you”

Belen couldn’t help the giggle pushing past her lips. “Sung Gyu-Ssi, were you flirting with me right now?”

“Why? Should I not?”

Belen covered her face with both her hands, hiding her smile. Today could have turned out much worse, but he was making it easier, so much easier.

“How is Chama doing?” Belen asked him, intentionally changing the topic.

“Sitting right here with me” 

He angled his camera, and true to his words, Chama was set up on the seat beside him on a pile of what appeared to be his clothes. And Chama was wearing something unfamiliar. There were flowers petals around his smiley face.

“Wait, is that a new outfit?”

“Do you like it?” He asked, moving the camera the closest possible. She could see it much clearer now. A little pink and blue knitted suit and a cap. But Chama had no pants on anymore. 

“My Ommoni made it”

“The outfit?”

“Yeah” He picked up the doll and showed him the doll’s bottom half. “She made him tiny pants, but they keep falling off”

Belen burst out in laughter. “Are you carrying him around with no pants on?”

“Only today” He said proudly and set the doll in the seat again. “I didn’t have time to change him, so he’s in his home clothes”

“Is that so?” She giggled, a hand pressed to her lips, and admired the way his eyes smiled when his mouth didn’t. They fell into a moment of comfortable silence afterwards, during which, Belen stared across the room at the burning candles in that darkened corner of his house. She often wondered what her life would have been like, if she never lost them or if she lost herself with them. It would have been easier not to be the one left behind. 

“Sung Gyu-Ssi…” Belen called him, yet she couldn’t bring herself to look at him for a while, tear her eyes away from the candles. “I think I never got to thank you properly…for that day when you held my hand in the storm”

“I think…you did, Belen Torres” Sung Gyu’s quiet voice followed. “And if anything, I’ll do that again, if I had to”

Belen nodded, nodded and nodded, staring down at her clenched hand. “After the storm went away, Lola, my grandma, my aunties and I were called to come to our town’s hospital. Nineteen people died because of Typhoon Quinta, only three from our town. They wanted us to see if my parents were among the survivors first, who were being treated at the hospital. If they were, they would have called us first, right?”

“They would have,” Sung Gyu agreed.

Belen pressed her lips together. The pain grew in her chest like a fungus, a hollow space inside her that’s seemed to keep growing. 

“They were among the dead, my parents. I already knew they would be, even when we went inside to see the list of patients. Maybe it was instinct, maybe it was just a cruel, fated…thing”

Sung Gyu’s silence, his attentiveness helped her continue on.

“They were laid out on the same bench in the morgue together; there wasn’t even a scratch on them. Maybe a little grey, maybe a little wilted. But it was like they were just sleeping, you know? I could have gone to them and shaken them awake. I think I tried, I don’t remember. I don’t know. But it was the last time I ever saw their hands together, like they were meant to come and meant to pass as a team. I didn’t fit in with them. I wasn’t…I wasn’t one of them”

“You’re always one of them” Sung Gyu’s almost whispering now. She felt like he was talking in her dreams. “Belen-Ssi, you’re who came out of their love…You’re their love”

“Do you think?”

“Aren’t a lot of children their parents’ love?” Sung Gyu went on; that warmth, that care and boundless positivity kept her afloat for that night.

“I guess”

“You are” He sounded determined, now. “And you survived so you get to be somebody else’s love too” 

At that, Belen felt like her heat pranced out of her chest. There was not a hint in his eyes, Not a sign in his smile. He was just endless, spotless sunshine, and Belen was huddled warmly in that embrace. Maybe she was being selfish tonight. Maybe she was asking for more than she should have. The crevice between Kim Sung Gyu and herself was massive; it wasn’t just the distance, it wasn’t just their different lives. The circumstances that they had to defy were unimaginable. But for tonight, Belen wanted to be that person who’d ask for a selfish wish that only one person could fulfil.

There was one thing that connected Kim Sung Gyu and herself now, and it was just a doll. Belen knew this. She knew this very well. But she took a bold step ahead that she knew she’d regret one day.

She picked up the phone and brought it closer to herself.

“Kim Sung Gyu-Ssi”

“Belen Torres”

“Would you stay the rest of the night with me?”

The smile that he gave her carried no reservations. Just warmth, just hope, just himself. And at that moment, the thought came to her without warning, like a cold gust of wind, a realisation so strong and hard to ignore.

‘I want to see him’