Two months became one, and one month became a week, which soon turned into just two days. Times passed by so fast that Sung Gyu often felt like he was running after something that he could never catch up with. The tour that he’d been so excitedly planning and expending all his energy on for the past six months had finally come to an end, and there they were, at their very last stop. 

Manila hasn’t changed all that much through time. He knew they had a new president now. He knew that the country went through so many things the last five years. (He read the news and caught up with the newer updates, time to time) But the city of Manila was sunny and vibrant and beautiful as ever. The best part was, this time, there was no storm.

The concert organisers had arranged vehicles for them, and as they all landed somewhere in the morning, they had a bit of time to go to places and look around before they started off with rehearsals. Sung Gyu couldn’t do much, being the CEO of their company. He had to overlook the stage arrangements, do lightning and sound checks, meet up with the organisers and see if the comfort of all the concert goers were facilitated. Although he asked the boys to take that time to enjoy themselves, Sung Yeol joined him throughout the process.

From the moment he landed in Manila, there was just one thing gnawing in his mind, eating itself up to the surface to the point he couldn’t take it anymore. What were the odds? He thought. What were the chances of him seeing her again? Sung Gyu had met multiple women in his lifetime. At the age of 34, he has also dated a few of them. Beautiful women, talented women, hard working women; but it's very rare that he’d find all three in one person. And one of them was her.

It’s been five years now and he was absolutely certain she had moved on from that incident since then. It was just a few hours they spent together, although the best. And he couldn’t even properly tell her everything he felt. He wore the other one of the prototype Inspirings that he received back then for sometime, just to keep the memory of her alive within him. But how long did she do the same? Or did she ever?

Sung gyu did know that she was an Inspirit now. He knew he shouldn’t have done that. But during his time in the military, on one rare occasion when he got his mobile phone, he looked her up on social media. It was a little tough to find her, and he realised Belen Torres was a surprisingly common name there. He had to look her up along with her company name, and it took a bot of investigative skills to locate her SNS account. Sung Gyu didn’t know what he was expecting when he opened her Instagram profile picture, but that certainly was not a photograph of herself with two pearl-metal balloons and what appeared to be a fan with his face on it. She became a fan of him, he realised. And Sung Gyu wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

But that increased his chances of ever getting to see her, which was a good thing. Setting up their first infinite concert here in five years, the first one under his company, Sung Gyu had fingers crossed of both his hands for a chance encounter. 

She wasn’t a part of the production team, which was a bit of a disappointment. He didn’t dare ask about her, lest he came off suspicious. But that didn’t stop him from surreptitiously peeking into faces of people who looked remotely like her by the stature. He felt a little stupid, to be honest. What was he trying to do, and what was the point of doing this, anyway? He was Infinite’s Kim Sung Gyu, and there were a lot of restrictions that came with being that name.

“Hyung, it's getting obvious now,” 

After a few times of him trying this, Sung Yeol commented as they walked away from a brief discussion they just had with the sounds team. He closely scanned his eyes. “You’re looking for someone aren’t you?”

Sung Gyu remembered back then that she was also the stage manager, and handled a bit of the backstage magic. It was for this reason that he looked at the faces of those two ladies, only to be let down. He didn’t think SungYeol would read him right off the first page. But then again, he’s attentive like that. 

And he was also one of the few people who knew about Belen Torres. While he was in the military, Sung Gyu thought a lot about her. It was during his military break that he met SungYeol and Woohyun over a couple of drinks. They got him drunk enough to talk about love and relationships and he accidentally blurted out all about it to the two of them. So much for taking his secret to the grave. Now he had two more people to take to the grave with him.

But, bless their hearts, they never made fun of what happened or told anyone else about it, not even to their bandmates. Infinite were his family, and relationship talks have never been new among them. They all knew about each other's loves, relationships, desires and dreams, and they protected each other; the good, the bad and the ugly. That’s what being family was all about. That, and supporting your brothers when you had to,

Like Lee Sung Yeol was doing, right now. 

“She used to be in the productions team” Sung Gyu muttered under his breath lest anybody heard him. “That’s what she was doing the last time we met”

“Maybe you could ask someone about her,” Sung Yeol suggested helpfully and held a protective hand over Sung Gyu’s head when someone carrying equipment passed by. “If she was someone who did prominent work around here, chances are that everyone will know her”

Sung Gyu shook his head. He had already known how slim the chances were when he came here. Besides, what was he going to do even if he found her? He was still Infinite’s Sung Gyu, and it was something bigger than his heart to protect. 

“It’s been five years, Sung Yeol. A lot can happen in five years”

Sung Yeol smiled slightly and put a hand around his shoulder. He was the tallest brother in their group, so it's particularly more heartwarming when he hugged him, although he was much younger. It was like being tucked under a cosy blanket, but warmer. 

“True, we’re the best example for that, aren’t we?”

Sung Gyu smiled at this, recalling the years that felt like a dream.

“But Hyung, that doesn’t mean you have to give up, you know that better than anyone else”

“I do” He swallowed the hard lump forming in his throat. “But it's not that easy, it's not easy at all”

“The hyung who did the hardest possible things that I could ever imagine” Sung Yeol squeezed his shoulder, pulling him close. “You will find her, I promise you that”

The next day is pretty much a blur for him. They practise the entire day, followed by two rounds of rehearsals of the entire concert. By the end of that day, the whole group was so exhausted that sleep was all he could think of until he finally hit the bed. If he wasn’t so tired that night, Sung Gyu knew he would have stayed up, staring at the roof all night long.

The next morning, he was so nervous and exhilarated, his heart pounding in his chest like a caged animal. There were two things in his mind other than the pre-concert anxiety that he’s been hit with the past two months. For one, this would be the last leg for the Comeback again tour, the tour that they worked so hard for, for the past six months after setting up their company from the ground. For the other, well, there was that fleeting flicker of hope to see Belen Torres again. The slimmest chances possible. But there was a chance, and he was eagerly waiting to take it. 

Sometimes Belen would think about herself from five years ago, the version of her who hated kpop, who hated men and who didn’t give two s about Infinite, and realise that she’d been a complete idiot. Who did she think she was, to be so different from everyone else, trying to fit in and stand out at the same time? What did she gain from hating kpop anyway? How did that miserable life make her happy? Standing in the line to be checked in for the concert that day, Belen really thought back to her life choices and realised that this, right here, was the best decision she’d made. Hadn’t she met Kim Sung Gyu who set her on a different path with his warm smiles and boundless positivity, she would be a bitter old woman right now, pissy and haggard, hating everyone and sitting solitary between the four walls of her rooms.

Not standing in front of the Philippine Arena in her best blue dress and matching white shoes, with a doll of her favourite idol in her hands.

“I could have let you in any sooner, but there’s only so much I can do!” Faye was exclaiming over the phone on the other end, who just called her to let her know of bits and pieces that’s been going on inside. So far she had met the boys for like ten seconds, had been bowed at, waved at, been told ‘Excuse me, can we get a few bottles of water?’ and she was recounting all of them with such exhilaration that Belen wanted to slam her phone on the floor.

It was a battle between ‘It should be me’ and ‘We are in this together’ right now, and she was progressively leaning towards the former.

“They are all so good looking, Belen, so good looking! And oh, I saw your Sung Gyu. He’s so busy now, you hardly get to see him. Should I go and tell him you’d be here today?”

The mention of Sung Gyu was probably going to be her last straw. She was alright with her seeing the boys from a far or waving at them or shaking hands with them for all she cared. But if she spoke to Sung Gyu when Belen had to stay in a line to get only a ten-second slot with him, Belen probably would throw the whole ‘In this together’ thing out the window and never speak to Faye again.

“No, don’t do that” She rested her hand on Chama’s round head, and mindlessly his soft blond hair. That was the only way to calm herself down. “And he won’t remember me. He wouldn’t even know my name”

She expected Faye to try changing her mind. But she only just hummed and said “You’re probably right” and it irritated her even more.

“Hm…I wonder if they will remember me though…should go and ask them”

That’s it. They were not in this together. Faye was out of her mind. 

“You know what?” Said Belen to the phone, desperate to get away from her. “I think I’m going to run to the toilet before the concert. I’ll catch you later”

“Okay, enjoy!” 

Belen cut off the line before she could catch the last of what she said. She slipped her phone back into her bag and pulled Chama out of it, holding him like her child. And while so, she thought back to what she just told Faye. The truth was, she was not fully prepared to see Sung Gyu again, even if it was for a ten second exchange. They weren’t exactly just fan and idol. They were fan and idol with a history, and that was something she just couldn’t leave out of their relationship. Seeing him tonight after all those years of imagining this moment would solidify something profound within her, something heartbreaking. That was the realisation that Sung Gyu and herself would be just an idol and a fan after all.

At times when this course of things hit too close to home, Belen would effortlessly embrace her delusions. She picked up her doll child and held him up against the concert banner before snapping a photograph to go into her SNS.

“Chama-Ssi, are you excited to meet Papi tonight?”

Chama was silent of course. But at least she had his company to fulfil her delusions.

It took about an hour to be allowed into the concert hall. As promised, Faye helped her get one of the best seats with an unrestricted and a very close view of everyone. The concert was absolutely magical. From the start where they appeared on stage, in all white and blue like unworldly beings, to their live vocals, the band music, the energy and enthusiasm, not only of the performers but also the concert goers as well. For that one moment, Belen was glad she wasn’t managing backstage, for that would have meant experiencing all of this from the sidelines. Infinite did not only perform for the audience, they performed with the audience. She was glad she was seeing this incredible concert of the century unfold right before her eyes, and that she was a part of it 

Belen was seeing Sung Gyu from a distance for that whole time. Their stage formation was in such a way that he was far from her and he didn’t come to her side too often. As much as she enjoyed it, that discoerting realisation of him being an idol and her just a fan, was a lingering shadow in the back of her mind. It only became clearer and clearer, solidifying itself as time passed. By the second segment of the concert, Belen had both happiness and pain weighing down her frail, frail heart. It was an overwhelming mixture of emotions, really. And it didn’t make it better that he was so beautiful tonight.

Kim Sung Gyu never changed, and that was perhaps one of the many reasons she’d always love him. He was of so much joy and excitement, a ball of energy that did not dim for once. He sang so well, laughed so hard, smiled  too often and said only the nicest things that made her keep him on the highest pedestal possible. Sung Gyu was always on the highest place in her mind, the best man of all the men she knew. He only proved her right, many, many times. 

This realisation, somehow, made her even sadder. Didn’t that admiration of her make her yet another one of the many fans surrounding her tonight? They were here because they all loved them. They were here because their efforts became fruitful and Infinite heard their pleas. They were here because all of them were fans that loved their favourite group. Belen wasn’t any different from that. She was one of them.

But that was challenged, for the slightest, for a fleeting, magical moment, when the boys came down from stage to the audience. It was advised in the beginning for them  not to stand up from their seats that could cause a crowd surge, and so everyone remained seated while they walked around. It was Dong Woo who came to their side first, who completed the other half of the heart for the girls seated beside her. Maybe Belen should have interacted with him too, she thought after Dong Woo passed by. But she was too distracted by Sung Gyu who had her blinded by the lights as she gazed at him across the hall.

Kim Sung Gyu, who was now coming closer and closer to her through the crowd. 

The nearer he came to her through the aisles and aisles of screaming, crying girls, the harder her heart pounded in her chest. They didn’t know. Belen kept telling herself, seeing Sung Gyu shine like her sun, her very own sun in her vast blue sky. One of these girls were just like the other; but not herself, not Belen Torres. Kim Sung Gyu may not remember her now, but he told her that he liked her once, and then he put a ring on her finger. None of them knew this, but her.

It was completely out of instinct that Belen held out her hand for him. The one that still wore the ring he gave her. He was close now, so close, a brilliant light. His silvery blond hair caught the laser beams and glimmered, in his eyes were thousands of stars. Remember me. Belen whispered as his hand reached out to her, fingers slipped around hers in an electrical touch. The familiarity that it hit her with was astounding. It took her back in time to that moment; the storm, the lighting strikes, that comfort, that warmth. Five years of longing, and he was here, holding her hand again. Remember me, please.

And maybe, just maybe, he did remember her. His hand, warm and clammy and ever so familiar, stayed lingering in hers for a little too long. His finger ghosted over the chrome ring that he gave her, its tiny diamond shining like a star. He started to move. Then, in a fleeting second, he stopped and turned to her.

Belen could have imagined the look in his eyes at that time. People say they started seeing things in their minds when blinded by love, and that could have been the same for her. But she swore the familiarity of their touch was felt by him too, which made him stop on his tracks and seek her eyes. Maybe he stopped because he knew what it felt like. Maybe the sudden flash in his widened eyes was that ephemeral realisation; it's her.

Sung Gyu-Ssi, Remember me. Belen pleaded to him in her mind once more, for that moment which lasted only so long. Then there was a smile on his lips, so brilliant and for hers to keep, a squeeze in her hand before he moved away, disappearing back into the crowd.

“She’s here”

“Who?”

“Bellen Torres” Sung Gyu told Woohyun, as one of his stylists undid the zipper on the back of his shirt. He was mindless as he pulled the sleeves off his arms and tossed it to the waiting hands. They had such little time for outfit changes. That wasn’t enough to calm his frantic heart.

Woohyun paused, his eyes set on him. “You mean the Belen Torres, the girl from-,”

“Yes” Sung gyu heaved a deep breath, a fruitless attempt of finding composure “That Belen Torres”

The stylist handed him one of their Black concert-merch T-shirts, and he almost pulled it on the wrong way around. 

“There is no other Belen Torres out there, Woohyun. At least one that I care about”

“How do you know that it's her?” Woohyun threw at him the golden question. Time was soon running out. The VCR would end soon, and they had to be on stage again. Voices, thousands of them, have started to chant in that vast, endless hall ‘Dorawa! Dorawa!’

“I don’t know how, ” Sung Gyu told him; he genuinely had no answer to that. It was familiarity, awareness; destiny, maybe “Woohyun, I Just do”

“It’s been five years, Hyung, how can you be so sure?”

“I don’t know” Sung Gyu shook his head again, and pulled the wires across his back before putting on his in-ears. He looked back at Woohyun who wasn’t done dazedly watching him.

“Do you believe in Fate and second chances, Woohyun?”

“Do you?” 

The stage lights came on, followed by screams of their names. She was there, one of those thousand of faces that he’d seen tonight. She was finally here, and so,

“I just might” 

The audience exploded with screams the moment they came on stage again. To his distance, all his fans were a massive cluster of yellow stars, their very own massive sky, a glimmering galaxy. Sung gyu didn’t have to remind himself that these were all people that he very much loved. They were his best friends, they were a part of his family, although one of them out there had a piece of his heart and a moment of hers in his past. 

Sung Gyu raised both his arms and waived at the audience as their first encore tracks begins to play. Woohyun moved closer to him. Sung Gyu felt his in-ear come off, and his breath lingering on his skin.

“Hyung, when we go down to the audience, I’ll be going to the section that you went before, right?”

They had designated sections to go down to every time they navigated the audience in different segments so that they didn’t go to the same section twice. It was to make sure that all the ground level fans got an equal chance of seeing them. And it's a practice that they maintained throughout their asian tour. It shouldn’t change in Manila, not for any reason. It's true, Belen Torres was a special person for him. But tonight, every single one of them was special. They all deserved the other half of his heart as much as Belen Torres had it the most.

Sung Gyu shook his head, moved closer and muttered in the others’ ear. “I’m good”

He distracted himself from this as much as he could. He was Infinite’s Kim Sung Gyu, and he had to carry that with him for the entire night even if the rest of them broke apart. It was something that happened often now. Coming back on stage together as six was indeed an emotional affair; although Sung Gyu chose to keep his tears to let out backstage, in their practice room or the comfort of his bed in the night, not all of the boys could do that, and he had to be the strength for them. As Infinite’s Kim Sung Gyu, now wasn’t the time to think about his heart’s desires.

Sung Gyu walked the aisles, completing half formed hearts with his hand, holding them, threading his fingers through them, but still remembering the feel of hers like an old song. He would never forget the time that he first held her hand; the fear in her eyes, that vulnerability. And his first instinct to protect her. When Sung Gyu was still a child, his grandma used to do that too, hold his hand whenever he was frightened by something. “Halmeoni’s got you, Halmeoni is here” She used to mutter in that soft, comforting voice every time the thunder struck. And it was that comfort Sung Gyu wanted to give her that night.

The feeling of comfort in a moment of vulnerability later grew into something more. Sung Gyu didn’t think he would ever fall in love with someone in the way that he fell for her.

Tonight, seeing those gleaming eyes again, those strangely comforting feelings of that time had only renewed. But there was also a sense of longing. There was also the weight of that pain. He was Infinite’s Kim Sung Gyu, and she was now another fan among millions of them. The distance between him and her was mountains apart. He realised that there was no point in contemplating the chances anymore. What were the odds? There were none. Belen Torres would have moved on by now, and so should he.

But only, Sung gyu didn’t think he’s ready to do so just yet. During the time of his enlistment, thoughts of her was one of the very few things that kept him in company, kept him from spiralling down into oblivion. There were thoughts of his group, his band members, but they were mostly worries and uncertainties. With his family and his baby nephew, the thoughts that surrounded him were of missing them so deeply and not getting to see Yoonho growing up for a period of two years. With Belen Torres, however, everything was different. Instead of worries, she gave him hope. Instead of pain, she gave him contentment. Instead of pain, he had happy memories with her that he could look back to. Through all his frustrations, worries and concerns, she was there, giving him a flicker of light. 

That made her a memory so hard for him to let go.

“You alright, Hyung?” Woohyun asked him as they left the stage after the encore. The rest of the boys were walking before them. Dong Woo was laughing loudly for some reason, a jovial sound that echoed backstage but disappeared into the sound of their ending track and the chatter of the fans. Myung Soo had his arm around Sung Jong, watching their brother, laughing between each other. Sung Yeol joined Woohyun and himself while pressing a towel on his neck.

“I’m okay” Sung gyu muttered and looked back at the stage for one last time. 

“We still have the fan benefit photoshoots” Woohyun provided helpfully and patted on his back. “Maybe she’d be there”

“Who?” Sung Yeol perked up, tossing his towel over his shoulder. Their make up staff soon surrounded them to touch up the lips stick, powder their faces again. Woohyun looked over at the other.

“Belen Torres”

Sung Yeol stopped on his tracks. “Wait, that Belen Torres? She’s here?”

“Says he saw her in the audience”

Sung Yeol looked genuinely bewildered on his behalf. “But how? It’s been five years, hyung! It probably wasn’t even her!”

“I held her hand,” Sung Gyu muttered and heaved a deep breath. There was a growing mass in his chest, making space to accommodate her wholly. He knew the hand of hers. He knew the warmth, the feel of it like it was tattooed on his skin. “It was her”

“Did you see her face?” Sung Yeol put in. When they navigate the audience, sometimes they had to rush by or head straight to the stage. They could miss a few faces, they could forget most of them. But Sung Gyu shook his head.

“I saw her, it was really her, Sung Yeol”

Woohyun looked at Sung Yeol, Sung Yeol looked at Woohyun. There was a quick, quiet exchange with their eyes, and Sung Gyu had known them long enough to understand what that meant.

Woohyun’s comforting arm moved around him and rested on his shoulder. “Well, at least you got to see her like that”

He nodded at Sung Yeol, who alos perked up with “Yeah,  and who knows? She might be in the fan benefit photos”

“Exactly” Woohyun nodded agreeingly “You could make a heart with her”

“Or hold hands”

“Or, you know, hold up her plushie dolls or something”

They both nodded like it all made sense. It was like a conversation of two parents of a heartbroken child, but Sung Gyu knew what they were doing. As hopeful as he was, it was the end of that encounter. His mind was so tightly wrapped around her that he might have even imagined it, created the version of her that he remembered, somehow placed her in that crowd just to make-believe. How long did he hold her hand for, anyway? Two minutes, three? Or even less, although it felt like he went years back in time. Sung Gyu should have known how minimal the chances of seeing her again were when he came down here. Now, he was suffering the kind of heartbreak that only lovers do, and they were never even that.

He remembered Woohyun telling him once; even if they made you happy, some memories were better left behind. And that’s what Belen Torres would become now. A memory so fond and dear that it’s heartbreaking to let go. But he had to. Sung Gyu had to.