“Chama-Ssi, are you ready to meet appa?”  Belen told her doll child holding him tightly  against her chest as she watched the rest of the concert goers drained out. It was the time for the group photo, the fan benefits that a few of them won through a raffle draw (And Belen was undemocratically, corruptedly placed in) the moment she and Chama had waited for, for the whole night.

According to Faye, the last group to get the photo ops got relatively a little longer than the others. That’s what she told her when she placed her into the last one, but Belen had long believed it was a mistake to trust her best friend. This only made her anxious, waiting seated in the line, watching others having their photos taken. It was so brief; not even five minutes for each group to interact with the boys as all the fans had to robotically pose for a couple of snaps and move on. 

How was Belen going to take that thirty seconds to tell Kim Sung Gyu that it’s her? How long was he going to take to recall five years back into that stormy night in Manila when they found solace in each other? Belen could bet a million pesos like Faye would have done to say that Kim Sung gyu had completely forgotten her. Maybe she was just a fragment of his mind, the kind of person whom he could take a double take and think to himself ‘Hm? Where have I seen her before?’ but never really remember.

As the photos were taken so quickly, the line grew shorter in a matter of a few minutes. By the time the group before them went, Belen was standing at the foot of the stage, her heart thrumming in her ears. There were two possibilities, she thought, staring at the way the boys interacted with the fans, so soon, so little, like they were trained for that. Eight Kim Sung Gyu remembered her, or he didn’t. But the outcome of both possibilities were the same. This night would end, they would both go home, and they will never see each other again.

The group before the last waves at the boys goodbye. There were a lot of screams and squeals from the fans as if they were meeting a bunch of babies or cute cats. It was joyful and longing to watch Sung Gyu from this short distance, waving cutely with both his hands, his smile brighter than the sunshine. For a  moment, Belen thought she had forgotten how he laughed. How he smiled. She remembered it all now, clear as day. And she also remembered how it feels like to meet his gaze across the room.

Just like she was doing now.

…What?

Belen could have very well been imagining it, but it appeared that Kim Sung Gyu has found her in the crowd, and…recognised her? He raised his brows, smiles so wide, raised his both hands and waved at her.

Or she was just delusional. Maybe he was just waving at the crowd? Like he did throughout the day?

But only, it didn’t stop there. Sung Gyu put an arm around Woohyun who was distractedly waving at someone, moved in and said something in his ear. Whatever it was, it made Woohyun open his eyes so wide, seeking the crowd.

Then Kim Sung Gyu pointed her out, just like that. She saw it clearly to that distance, even if she very well must have been losing it; Kim Sung Gyu mouthing her name to his friend, ‘Bellen Torres’

That’s all she remembered, pretty much, before she climbed up to the stage, hugging little Chama to her heart.

The staff lined them up, one line sitting, one standing, and Belen got placed in the standing line. The boys were right behind them, and people were handing out different things for them to hold on to. Slogans, fans, funny cardboard cutouts of their faces. Belen, in her fast thinking, turned around, her whole body warm in anticipation. Did Kim Sung Gyu see her? She didn’t know. But she was ready to take all her chances, imagining that he recognized her, that his wave was meant for her. 

And Sung Gyu was kind enough to prove to her that she was right.

Casually as ever, he took Chama in both his hands, and she’d thought it would end right there. But from the height that he stood above her, Sung Gyu still peeked into her face. The flash of recognition in his widened brown eyes, the pretty, pretty lines of perpetual smiles around them, the boyish little curve of his lips; the warmth, the welcoming familiarity. They all hit her like a gush of wind.

“Belen Torres,” He called her quietly, his gaze set in hers. “We meet again”

If Belen told her self just a day ago that her idol of five years remembered her, she would have immediately determined herself to be turning into Faye. There had been no hope at all in her mind that he’d recognise her. She wasn’t very memorable; she hadn’t found uranium or saved a bus full of people from a horrific death. She wasn’t beautiful, she didn’t make people’s heads turn or light up the room like people did in crime documentaries. She was the kind of a woman that melted into walls and disappeared in crowds. She was just ordinary. 

She was not the kind of a woman that someone like Kim Sung Gyu of Infinite would remember.

But apparently, he did.

Belen wished she could speak a coherent word as he watched her, smiling like that. But every word she knew in korean just flew out the window, leaving her a panicking, stuttering, mess.

“Hi-Hello…”

Sung Gyu laughed, a quiet, cheery sound as he pressed Chama’s big, round head to his cheek; his eyes disappeared into crescent moons, lips stretched into a soft, tight smile. He was so gigil, doing that. She would have melted into a puddle at her feet if not for the staff who were barking orders at them to pose.

Belen turned around, her heart a trapped animal in her chest, struggling to break free. Maybe she had fallen asleep waiting in line for her turn; there is no other way to explain their strange little exchange. It’s been five years, Five years!

Click, click, click!

“Wait” a voice, a hushed whisper right behind her. “That Belen Torres? Wow”

Heat raised to her cheeks. That was Nam Woohyun right behind her. Did that mean…

…he knew her too?

A shushing sound followed, and a lowly, breathless hiss “Woohyun!”

Click, click, click!

“And done!”

Just like that, the fan benefits photoshoot turned to an end. Fans waved at the group and bid them goodbye before they descended the stage, while the boys bowed at them endlessly in farewell. Belen waved at them with both her hands, but she was still shaking. She stood still for a second, unable to move on from this moment. In her head, a voice was chanting on and on like a broken record ‘He remembered, he remembered!’ While her mind seeked only him.

Sung Gyu met her eyes and reached a hand out to her. It was almost by instinct that Belen took it in both of hers, but the exchange was so short lived. He let go as soon as he held her,  and bid her goodbye with both his hands. He mouthed to her, which she saw so clearly ‘Annyeong! Belen Torres’ followed by the biggest, warmest smile. Belen wished she could stay back and tell him everything that she wanted him to know; from how she had gone from disliking every man on this earth, to loving just one. She wished she could tell him how loved he was, how appreciated and how much he had influenced the betterment of her life. But that would take her a whole day or even longer. The ten seconds they had to exchange goodbyes was just not enough.

The moment felt like it ended as soon as it began. It was Infinite’s Kim Sung Gyu, after all. The leader of the group, the CEO of their agency. It was good enough that he remembered her; and it made her indescribably happy. She climbed down the stage, still in cloud nine, still recalling every moment that passed in the last ten minutes that still felt like a dream. 

In a daze, Belen came out of the concert hall, passing by a whole ocean of fans carrying boards and slogans of hundred different things. “Merong Poreber”, “Sa Infinite nag may forever”, and one accompanying Sung Gyu’s name in glittery Hangul: “Aka ang inyong boyfriend”

Infinite was finally here in the Philippines, after all their efforts the past few months. Did the demand surveys ever reach them? Did they see their pleas and desperation? Did seeing that ocean of Filo fans make them happy?

In that high of success and pure contentment, Belen was smiling her whole way out the concert hall. She joined the sea of people that was heading towards the metro station and took two sets of stairs, the whole length of the platform to the train that will take her home. Then she slipped her hand in her bag, seeking for something…something…

‘’

-Belen stopped right in her tracks, her hands empty, her mind a mess. It took her a minute or two to finally register what was missing on her.

Chama. Her doll child. She had left him with Kim Sung Gyu. 

“Hyung, hyung-ah”

Sung Yeol’s voice echoed across the backstage corridor over the sound of the boys’ laughter. Sung Gyu was at the edge of the massive screen, peaking out at the emptying corridor, hiding in the dark. Around him, the backstage staff have started to wrap things up. Like Belen Torres had done back then, one young woman was barking orders around at everyone, taking surreptitious glances at him, at the rest of the boys, but he couldn’t care less.

In that sea of yellow and black, a galaxy fading out to the light, Sung Gyu tried to find that face again that he wanted to see the most.

“He’s smitten, that’s what” Woohyun’s voice emerged from somewhere behind him, and then footsteps. “He saw her in that line and went in my ear, that’s her! That’s her!”

“No, I did not sound like that, Woohyun” Sung Gyu called after him, and finally stepped away from the screen. The entire hall was devoid of fans, and just like that, their very short lived story ended, until they never met again. He heaved a heavy sigh and turned to the rest of his boys who were waiting for him.

“Okay, that’s that”

He looked around at the waiting faces; raised brows, twisted lips. The weight in his heart was not just for his own. It was the end of their tour tonight, and for a while after this, they will be going back to their own agencies, to do their own things. Months and months of a concert in the making. That excitement, that anxiety, all of it. Over.

They all looked at one another, and Sung Gyu felt warmth in his eyes. ‘My boys’ he thought. ‘My family’

They were all that he worked so hard for; their happiness, their joy, their future, their lives. In their names, he would willingly risk anything. For them, he was ready to go any length.

“It’s okay, Hyung” Dong Woo’s voice now, and he was smiling the warmest in the dark. “It's only us, now. You can cry”

The film crew, stage crew and all of them were gone. Just the six of them until their respective agency staff gather again. 

Sung Gyu walked into their small circle, and they huddled around, coming the closest possible to each other. That warmth, and scent of perspiration, that sounds of breaths and jovial laughters, the occasional sobs and arms reaching out, fingers threading together, hands in the air, all of it. It was all too real, all too familiar. It's fifteen years of their lives; and simply the best.

Sung Gyu didn’t cry that moment, of course. They hugged each other, they laughed and they cheered. Woohyun made a joke so bad that he had to keel over laughing, while Dong Woo went straight down to the ground. They laughed and laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and Sung Gyu couldn’t have felt more alive. Maybe they were his life line; his reason for laughter and happiness, and sometimes the reason for his pain. But they were his pain, one thing he has accepted, among many other things, to live with.

Later on, their staff as well as the concert crew gathered again on stage for the final photograph. It would signify the end of their tour, one making way for the other. The six of them were to sit in chairs, the crew and their respective teams surrounding them. Sung Gyu plopped down on his own with Sung Jong and Woohyun on his either side. It wasn’t until then that he realised there was something big in his back pocket. Something soft and round and-

He reached his hand behind, and pulled out what turned out to be a doll.

Not just any doll. A doll of himself.

Not just a doll of himself. The doll of himself that Belen Torres gave him.

A comfortable thump in his heart, a chapter closed, another began. Sung Gyu smiled warmly at the fond memories of his past; recent and the old, and cradled the doll in his hand. He couldn’t help noticing the little, little things. The doll who looked just like him, in an outfit that he really loved, with a soft, white head. That was the last time he dyed his hair blond before he enlisted.

Before he came to Manila five years ago.

“What’s that?” SungJong asked, piqued with interest while the filming crew barked orders at everyone to pose.

“This is me,” Sung Gyu said, tenderly caressing the doll’s head.

“That’s questionable” Sung jong muttered, took the doll and held it up against his face. 

“Hm…no” he shook his head disapprovingly. “He’s much cuter”

Sung Gyu huffed and snatched it back from the youngest. “You’re just jealous you didn’t get one”

“I do have plenty” Sung Jong shook his head, and they all mechanically posed for the group photo; all smiles and raised hands and badly formed hearts.

‘Click, click, click’

“But wait” Sung Jong turned back to him, his eyes narrowed. “How come you received a fan gift at the concert? We don’t do that, right?”

“We don’t,” Sung Gyu sighed. 

It was as a rule that fan gifts were not accepted from the audience during concerts. That could cause a sea of them trying to hand over hundreds and hundreds of fan gifts, causing crowd surges and a mountain of plush toys and bouquets of flowers which they couldn’t take back overseas.

But Belen Torres’s doll wasn’t just a fan gift. She gave it to him, to remind him, to make him remember just how he’d looked like five years ago, when they met and fell for each other.

‘Click, click, click’

“And done!”

Once the photos were taken, they all stood up to leave the stage. They would head for drinks afterwards, an afterparty at a posh restaurant before they headed back to Seoul. Sung Gyu hasn’t exactly planned what would come after the concert. They had a few stages coming up the following month; except for training and practice for that until then, his next few weeks were free to relax and watch TV and mop about at home.

Maybe this time he could just take the doll back home with him. He already had another one of them which he received from the original creator. Maybe Belen’s doll could join him and they could be brothers. Maybe he will ask his mum to make them matching outfits so they could wear them and-,

“What-?”

Sung Jong snatched the doll from him, and showed it to Woohyun who gave him a look of disapproval. “Look at the CEO who broke the company rules and accepted fan gifts”

“It’s not fan gifts” Sung Gyu snatched it back from him. 

“Wait” Woohyun took the doll from him and widened his eyes. “Isn’t this her doll?”

“Who’s doll?”

“Belen Torres”

“Who’s Belen Torres?”

Woohyun widened his eyes, looking at him apologetically while Sung Jong glanced at either of them, bewildered. 

“What are you guys talking about? Who on earth is Belen Torres?”

‘Sorry!’ Mouthed Woohyun with a troubled expression but he was already too late. Sung Jong was speculating things, he could read it right off his face. He would have questions now. And follow up questions, then follow up questions to follow up questions. It will never end.

Looking for his last escape route, Sung Gyu reached out and grabbed his doll. “Would you guys just cut it out, please? I’m going to take a shower first” 

Even as he walked ahead, his heart was pounding. As much as he loved Sung Jong, he didn’t want him to be a part of it. He didn’t want Sung Jong to know that he was the kind of a leader who’d fall in love with a fan, although their initial circumstances were different. He didn’t want too many people in his secret. He was supposed to take it to his grave.

But with the doll debacle, things were starting to get difficult to keep as a secret. Sung Gyu hadn’t meant to keep it with him, if he was to be honest. But the way that she gave it to him, the way she gazed up at him and left with a big smile and a wave made him interpret it as indeed a gift from her. Maybe he was wrong, maybe it wasn’t a gift after all because Belen Torres, more than anyone else, would know he wasn’t supposed to accept any. But he gave her a ring and a piece of his heart. Maybe that was just her way to return it?

He didn’t know. Maybe he will never know. All he did know was that it would probably make him a little selfish to want to keep her doll with him, because that was maybe the only way to keep her closer to him; close, solid and real, no longer a memory. But that obviously wasn’t how everybody was seeing it.

Woohyun and Sung Yeol were in their dressing room when Sung Gyu stepped out of the shower. The doll was set up between them as if he had been an unruly child. There was a look on Woohyun’s face that said trouble.

“What’s up with you two?” Sung Gyu looked at them back and forth and tossed his towel around his neck. “Why is he sitting there with you?”

“You’ve got to give back the doll” Woohyun told him. His voice had the weight of a crime scene investigator. “When I told you to hold her plushie doll, I didn’t ask you to steal it, Hyung”

“Kidnap him” Sung Yeol solemnly corrected him.

“Huh?” 

“They’re very much humanised, the dolls” 

“Oh right” Woohyun nodded and turned back to him. “I didn’t ask you to kidnap him, hyung”

“I didn’t kidnap him!” Sung Gyu approached both of them who moved aside to give him space on the sofa. Sung Gyu picked up the doll and sat in his place. He cradled him in his hands, tiny and huge at the same time, and felt a twist in his heart. Maybe they were right. Maybe he did kidnap him.

But then again,

“She didn’t ask back for him” Sung Gyu pointed at Woohyun with the doll. “You saw it, you were there!”

“Quit manhandling him like that” Woohyun lowered Sung Gyu’s hand and set up the doll in his lap like a real child. “I was, and yes, she didn’t take him back. But you straight up called her name, hyung! She was shocked! After all those years!”

Now when he did look back to it, she was pretty shocked, which he didn’t expect. But he seemed to forget he was a celebrity sometimes. Maybe she never thought he'd call her name and take her doll with him. And the shock just left her speechless.

With a heavy sigh, Sung Gyu took the doll in his hands again and caressed his smiley eyes. Belen Torres must be bewildered, looking for him everywhere. Maybe she thought she dropped him somewhere or accidentally left him at the concert venue while he was comfortably with who’s essentially his dad…

“You’ve got to give him back,” Sung Yeol said, his voice strong and determined. “You said she works at the organisers’ company, right? Maybe if you left him with them, she’ll get him back”

“That sounds rational enough,” Woohyun agreed. “And hyung, you’ve been hung up on her for five years now, even without her doll. Now with the doll with you, it’s going to get worse”

Sung Gyu turned to his best friend. “What’s wrong with getting hung up on her?”

It’s true, he’d thought about her and talked about her then and there. He didn’t think it was so wrong, until someone pointed that out.

“Because…” Woohyun started but he struggled to find his words. 

“Circumstances” Sung Yeol provided helpfully, to which Woohyun agreed.

“Exactly, circumstances. What’s the point of staying hung up on her when the only way you can meet is at a concert venue as an idol and fan, only for ten seconds to hold hands or take a quick photo, to never see her again?”

“Well, it’s not like I didn’t understand that,” Sung Gyu replied in his defence. “That was why I told her the truth and let go of it the first place”

Woohyjn raised his brows. “Well, have you?”

That was a question which hit right in his heart. Had he? Sung Gyu did not know. But the emotions from that brief night back then have definitely renewed. Would he ever get over it? He had to, and it was something he should actively work on. Starting with the little steps,

Like giving back the doll he kidnapped.

“Okay, fine,” He said, finally yielding. “I’ll send him back to her company before we leave”

“Good!” Woohyun smiled like a satisfied mother. “We’ve got to start small, hyung”

Sung Yeol reached out and squeezed his arm. “I know its tough, but it gets better, trust me”

It was with the comfort of Sung Yeol’s words that he had, as the leader of their group, came such a long way. So those were words that he’d trust with his life.

“Okay then, that settles it” Said Woohyun as he reached for Belen’s doll. “But for the time being, the doll stays with me”

Sung Gyu agreed with that, because otherwise it would be harder to let go. Woohyun would send the doll, he said, and Sung Gyu couldn’t think of a better idea as Woohyun had come here a few times and knew his way around a lot more than he did. But when Woohyun put the doll in his black leather bag, Sung Gyu didn’t think too much about it. He didn’t imagine for once that it was where the doll would be for another week to come.