“Would you tell her?”

 

Feeling like Yuri’s eyes on her, she raised her eyebrows, “Tell who, what?”. She looks around to ask Sunny and Sooyoung whether they knew what Yuri is saying but their clueless expressions tell her the answer already. So the three of them wait for Yuri to compose her sentence.

 

“Tell Tiffany that you like her?”

 

“Oh…”, it is indeed a ‘Oh’ as her mind is exactly the same as , speechless by Yuri’s sudden question about Tiffany. “No?” She is not sure herself. 

 

“Is it a statement or a question?”

 

“Well, actually it depends on what you want to believe.” Taeyeon shrugs like this issue is not that important, hoping that her friends believe it because she wants to deem it as unimportant. 

 

“I’m going to support you if you decide to pursue her, Taeng”, Sunny says casually like it is not a really big deal. Well, it is really not a big deal for Sunny because from her perspective, if Taeyeon really likes Tiffany, then she can confess to her. If the other person doesn’t feel the same, Taeyeon can always move on rather than being in the same place.

 

Taeyeon can see that Yuri and Sooyoung are both nodding their heads, agreeing with Sunny. They will do everything to make sure Taeyeon can finally find her own happiness. Something that Taeyeon, herself, wants and not because it is for others.

 

“Nah…” she shakes her head. Erasing every single hope or dream about them from emerging in her head. “I won’t confess to her. I won’t even try to think there is a possibility for me and her to be together. I’m quite sure she has a boyfriend and I’m not keen to like someone’s girlfriend”, her hands flail, struggling to find better words to describe her position on this matter. “This is just a crush. One that I’ll forget soon.”

 

***

 

It is ironic for her to feel this way. Like her heart sinks down to the pit of her stomach and feels suffocated like someone is choking it when they supposedly to be perfectly fine because like she said before, it is just a crush. 

 

But why? Why does she feel this way? Why does she cannot breathe and her eyes cannot focus because of the dizziness? It feels like she is submerged underwater, couldn’t breathe, voices started to muffle and she cannot find a way out.

 

She wants to scream, for someone to help her. For someone to take away whatever she is feeling right now. Her mind is replaying it again and again, mocking her. Telling her that her manipulation scheme is not working. Her effort to not be in pain is in vain.

 

“Taeng”

 

“Taeyeon!”

 

She can hear someone calling her, hands on her hands. She seeks for the way out, but it is hard when she feels like she is being struck many times in one sitting.

 

“Hey…hey. You’re okay. You’re with us now”, Sooyoung whispers to Taeyeon closely, not wanting to alert other people about their situation right now. She can see Sunny is holding Taeyeon’s hands tighter, telling her she is with them and not alone. 

 

Both of them sigh in relief when Taeyeon’s hands stop trembling and her breath becomes more steady. Thank goodness everyone is so focused on the lecture and not seeing Taeyeon in that state. Sooyoung knows Taeyeon will be mortified if anyone saw her like that. It happened before to them too and a lot of efforts done from the three of them before Taeyeon starts to open up about her attacks and lean on them whenever it comes.

 

“You wanna talk about it?” 

 

Taeyeon shakes her head.

 

“Alright. Rest first. You know we’re here for you, right?”

 

Taeyeon nods, holds Sooyoung and Sunny’s hands to convey her gratitude for always being with her despite her flaws.

 

***

 

Taeyeon and Sooyoung are having lunch in the cafeteria. There are not many people there because it is the weekend and usually students go out. They promised to do revision for the final exam together so Sooyoung came to Taeyeon’s residential college (RC1) because it has a bigger study hall for the students than her own residential college (RC 2).

 

They were talking about Sunny who is busy with her extracurricular activities (She was swoon by the idea from seniors that she will get the dorm for the next semester if she joins many activities) while Yuri is still sleeping when she saw Sooyoung smile back at someone.

 

“You know her?” She glances discreetly at the girl’s direction, hoping that Sooyoung sees it.

 

“Her?”Sooyoung looks at Taeyeon for confirmation before continuing, “She’s my groupmates, Tiffany Young. Why?”

 

“Her face seems familiar but I don’t know h