It was cloudy that morning when she decided to go out. She strolled along the park, the place where people would not pay attention to her, the place where she was a nobody, the place where there was no one to tell her how to act or how to face her problems. She would get some stares from one or two persons, but they won’t meddle with her, they don’t know her after all, they don’t know what she’s been having through.

The weather seemed to sympathize to her for the sky started shedding tears of its own too. The tip-tap sound of the raindrops as they drizzled and fell down to her umbrella provided her more comfort than her own family does.

Everyday, she tried to be happy. She had to at least show them that she was happy like nothing happened. Everyday that she woke up, she would face the mirror and practiced the expressions that they wanted to see. She tried to bring back the eyesmiles that she used to have but they already lack the sparkles. Everyday she felt like she was always wearing a mask, letting them see what they wanted to see and hiding the ones that they did not want.

Whenever she stayed in her room a little longer than usual, they would knock on her door, asking if she’s okay, asking if she had been crying.

“Stop crying. You’re only wasting your tears.”

That’s what they always told her and they would not let her cry even a single tear. Because crying, as they saw it, was a sign of weakness, a sign of being foolish.

For the past days, she had learned the art of pretention. Everyone thought she had gone stronger but they had no idea that their method of making her stronger had her crumbling instead.

They did not realize how hard it was to pretend that you’re okay when you’re really not, to smile when you actually wanted to cry. They did not realize how much effort it needed just to stop those tears from falling. It was just so damn difficult when she always had to swallow the tears that just kept on coming back. It drove her crazy and she knew it was just a little time before she explodes.

So she sneaked out, drove her own car to the farthest place she knew, the park. Their secret haven. This was where she usually walked together with him and going back there alone made her feel so empty and that triggered additional pain in her heart.

As soon as she sat on an empty bench, she let it all out. The tears flowed like a river and with each tear that escaped from her eyes, it contained her lamentations of their broken relationship. She reminisced her times with him. She was new on the company and he was the sunbae that guided her. They started going out and their relationship blossomed until the talk of marriage eventually surfaced. She thought it would be happy ending but soon after he broke up with her. Reason? Unknown. Unclear.

Was it her? She asked it several times but up to now she did not know the answer for he never told her. And it hurts her not knowing it. She wished she never told him about marriage. Perhaps he was not ready for a deeper commitment. Perhaps he realized she was not exactly the wife he dreamed of having. Perhaps… Perhaps… She already ran out of reasons. Her mind was already tired thinking about them. Those were all just speculations and no one was there to confirm any of them to her. She was just there helplessly crying, exhausted from searching that sole answer inside her head. The answer to that big question WHY.

Why did he leave her?

She glanced at the tall clock and watched its hand move with every second that passed. Time continued to pass but she still remained stuck at that moment. She could not move on. If she only knew the answer, she would probably be able to let him go.  She closed her eyes praying for peace of her mind and her heart.

A hand reached her shoulder. She turned around and saw him standing behind the bench smiling at her, his deep dimple showing on his cheek.

“Siwon?”

“A girl like you should not cry,” he handed her a handkerchief but she did not reach for it. She just looked at his perfectly handsome face, a sight that she had not seen for ages.

“Why did you leave?” she breathlessly asked him.

“You’ll get the answer in due time,” he said.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. It was not the answer that she needed. When she opened her eyes, he was already gone. She looked around her. The rain had stopped and the park was almost deserted. There was no sight of him.

Was it all just a dream fabricated by her mind that was desperate to solve the question that’s been bugging her?

How unfortunate, even in her dreams, he still refused to give her an answer.

-----------------

“Tiffany-shi,” a voice called her from out of nowhere. The sound of footsteps rushing toward her direction became louder and she finally saw a figure emerging from the other end of the park. She recognized it to be Siwon’s younger sister.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come here,” the girl said, panting heavily as she finally settled down to the space Tiffany offered to her.

“I’m so sorry but I’m just fulfilling his wish.” Sadness dawned on her face as she handed a letter to Tiffany. Tiffany looked at her, bewildered. Her hands trembled as she unfolded the piece of paper. This might be the answer that she had been waiting for.

Fany-ah,

First of all, I’m sorry for causing you pain. I know you are confused as to why I have to leave. I have a concrete reason for it. But the reason isn’t you. It isn’t your fault.  You did not do anything wrong. So don’t blame yourself.

I believe you are the kind of woman who deserves to have a man that could stay with you forever or for a longer time at least. And it definitely isn’t me.

The reason I left you is because I cannot stay with you that way. I am ill and my time here was already timed. I cannot let you tie yourself to me when I would not be there for you. Who knows? Maybe right after the wedding, or perhaps the next day, you will already find me beside you lifeless. I cannot let you suffer like that.

I’m so sorry. I assure you, there will be other guys that are worthy for you and can protect you much more than I can.

Be happy, okay? I will always wish for your happiness.

Goodbye Tiffany. Goodbye, my gem. 

And I love you.

-Siwon

Tears dampened the letter as she finished reading it. “Where… is he… now?” she asked.

“He is already gone. His last wish is to give this letter for you to read after he passed away.”

She bit her lip and she sobbed harder. How could he do such a thing? She would rather spend that tiniest amount of time left with him. She should have been there supporting him, praying for him. He should have told her. She was not really sure now if it was actually better if she did not know the answer. On the other hand, he was already gone and there was nothing she could do to change that. Time would not bring him back even if she wished. At least she had beautiful memories with him that she could cherish forever.

The loose ends of this sad tragic story were finally tied and she had to move forward. This was what she had been waiting. But before that, she needed to cry it all out until there were no more tears left for her to shed. For once she stepped back home, she would not be able to cry again.

So she hugged the letter to her chest and sobbed as the rain drizzled once again.