The week of the scavenging trip had been the longest seven days of Baekhyun’s entire time at the hospital. He thought about Chanyeol from the second he woke up, aching to be near him again. It had only taken him one day after his ‘intervention’ to decide confidently that yes, he did want to confess to Chanyeol. As soon as he had come to terms with his feelings he didn’t know how he could handle holding them in for any longer. He needed Chanyeol to be back, needed to be held by him, loved by him. He felt foolish for putting it off for this long. He was scared but he couldn’t picture a world where Chanyeol wasn’t with him. 

He’d spent a whole hour going through the lost and found and the laundry room with Nayeon trying to find outfit options for the day of their return. Chanyeol had already seen him look his worst the day he first came to the hospital, but he wanted to dress up. There didn’t have the options they would have in a store but they finally decided on a baby blue sweater that hung off his shoulder and dark jeans for contrast. Chanyeol would likely be dirty and exhausted from so much walking across such ugly dystopian landscapes. Baekhyun wanted him to have something pretty (and admittedly flirty) to come home to.

His friends did their best to distract him. He didn’t tell anyone about his garden yet, he liked that to be the secret place he could go and sit and just get away from everyone except for his thoughts. There had been a long point in time when Baekhyun hated to just sit and think. When the world had gone to nothing hurt more than to sit and remember the things that you no longer had beside you. He used to do anything he could to keep his mind off of the people in his life that he cared about. He’d never know what happened to his parents, to his friends. Early on he dreamt that maybe he could find them, maybe they were alive and they could reunite and have a second chance at life together. He didn’t think of things like that anymore, it only led to pain and disappointment. 

Thinking about Chanyeol was a completely different experience. It felt liberating, almost like he was dreaming while awake. He thought about the way it felt when their hands touched, how exciting Chanyeol’s racing heartbeat sounded against his ear the night before he left. Chanyeol cared for him in such obvious ways and Baekhyun had done nothing but lied to himself to try and avoid reality from sinking in. He promised to enjoy every second of it from the day Chanyeol came home to the day he died. Baekhyun swore he would never take another second around Chanyeol for granted again, he’d already done that with Jinho and he wasn’t going to fall into the same trap again. 

The morning of their return Baekhyun secretly snuck in a quick shower, he shampooed his hair and shaved parts of himself he had been neglecting. It wasn’t shower day but he wanted to look and smell nice when Chanyeol saw him again. He wanted to be irresistible so he didn’t have to wait another second without Chanyeol all over him. He had already planned out the way he was going to massage all of Chanyeol’s sore muscles, dreamt of how he’d place soft kisses along his skin as he got him to relax. He planned to do everything he could to make up for the lost time. 

Baekhyun made his way down to the emergency room lobby before breakfast even started, prepared to sit there all day if he had to. He settled into a cushioned waiting room chair and watched the fenceline through the large glass windows. He wasn’t sure what time they were supposed to get back, but it was supposed to be today. Minseok and Kyungsoo came down that morning for food with him, teasing him for his somewhat revealing sweater and encouraging him that Chanyeol would undoubtedly accept his feelings. After they’d finished eating they had to return upstairs to do their jobs but Baekhyun didn’t even consider following them. He wouldn’t dare miss the second Chanyeol pried open the once automatic doors and finally stepped back into his life.

Even after the sun had set he did not budge from his spot, watching as the guards switched for night duty. Yixing came inside and stopped to ask him if he needed anything before retreating upstairs. He just needed Chanyeol. He would come back, he had to. Jongin emerged from the stairwell, gun in hand, to take place outside by the gate. He did a double take upon seeing Baekhyun, eyes now glossy and red from crying. 

“Baekhyun- you should go to sleep it’s almost midnight already.” He approached, kneeling beside where he was sitting. His hand reached out to comfortingly rub Baekhyun’s shoulder. 

Baekhyun had been crying on and off for a few hours, fear settling in his gut the longer it took for the three men to return. He was curled into a small ball in his chair, hugging his knees to his chest. He prayed they would just hurry up and come home. He couldn’t take waiting for him like this, he had been so scared when Chanyeol left that this would happen. He had spent so long telling himself the thoughts were unfounded, that everything would be okay. Yet here he was.

“Chanyeol is supposed to be back today, they’re probably running a little late. I’ll wait here.” Baekhyun was insistent, eyes glued to the front entrance door as if it was going to open at any minute. Chanyeol would do everything he could to come home, Baekhyun knew it. 

“Baek you know they’re not going to travel back at night, it’s too dangerous. Maybe they had to find somewhere to camp out. They also said they might spend two days in the city scavenging instead of one. I bet they’ll be here tomorrow.” Jongin’s words reassured his worries slightly. He was right, he and Jongin had also refused to walk at night when they met. It was way too dangerous to not see what was coming right in front of you. The lack of street lights and batteries for flashlights made it a risk to travel this late. Chanyeol had also said they would spend one or two days searching the city for supplies. If they had found some good leads and it wasn’t too overrun they could have decided the extra day was worth it. 

He had to toss it over in his head a bit more before he finally stood up, back aching from being in the same position too long. Jongin stood up beside him and offered a warm but not totally confident smile. “You go lay down with Kyungsoo if you don’t want to be alone, he won’t mind. I’ll go in your room and take your bed for the rest of the night when I’m done with my shift.”

Jongin exited out to the gate only when Baekhyun had made it to the stairs and was starting his way up. He felt loved by his friends, they always went out of their way to take care of him. He could tell they cared for him, they showed it in their different ways. Jongin specifically was protective of Baekhyun, always taking the extra moment to make sure he was okay before doing whatever he needed to do. But it just didn’t match what he was looking forward to feeling all day. The way it was going to feel for Chanyeol to walk in that door and how it would be for their eyes to meet, their bodies finally pressed together in a warm embrace.

He didn’t stop thinking as he made his way to Jongin and Kyungsoo’s room, just a few doors down the hall from his own. The bed frame had been taken out and two small mattresses from a couple of beds had been pushed together on the floor. Kyungsoo was laying on one with his back facing the wall. He lifted his head at the sound of the opening door. The room was dark but Kyungsoo seemed to know who it was, Jongin had probably mentioned that he would tell Baekhyun to come back up for the night. 

“They’ll show up tomorrow and everything will be okay.” Kyungsoo said sleepily as Baekhyun climbed onto Jongin’s side of the bed, tugging the blanket over his body. Kyungsoo was back asleep in no time, but Baekhyun found himself staring blankly at the ceiling, overthinking again. He hoped that Chanyeol was somewhere thinking of him, too. 

He went back down to the lobby immediately upon waking up, hair messy and clothes wrinkled. Sana brought food down for him at breakfast and stayed to eat together. He enjoyed her company for a couple of hours until she had to go administer medicine to Naeyeon who had been sick with a fever. He couldn’t take his eyes off the door. He stared at it as if would suddenly make Chanyeol appear on the other side if he just thought hard enough. Minseok and Jongdae brought him dinner that he barely touched. This time he didn’t feel like socializing at all, letting them do most of the talking as he only half listened to what they had to say. They walked him back to his bedroom at night, both sleeping on the floor near Baekhyun’s bed as he sobbed himself to sleep so that he wouldn’t be alone.

Sleeping and crying were all he did the more the days passed.

A couple of days late turned into a week late. Baekhyun rarely saw the outside of his room but his friends would come by often. He never slept without at least one of them sleeping in the room with him. Eventually, his room looked pretty similar to Kyungsoo’s, with two mattresses pressed together on the floor to better accommodate both him and whoever was sleeping over. He appreciated the gesture, though it didn’t make him feel much better. Nothing was going to fix this hole in his heart, he was sure of it.

He tried his best to eat, picking at the food that they brought up to him. Some days they could get him to sit out at the nurses’ station for an hour or so before he ended up hiding back in his room again. He wanted to feel anything other than the pain and he knew his friends were trying to give that to him. They were trying so hard to make him feel less alone and he tried to be accepting and appreciative of their advantages. But he still found himself crying into his pillow at night, wishing that it was Chanyeol laying beside him.

At two weeks was the first time Baekhyun considered that Chanyeol might not come back, he might never see him again just like he would never see Jinho ago. This led to a panic attack so bad Sana had to give him medication from the pharmacy to calm him down. He felt embarrassed and pathetic that his friends had to see him like this. He’d worked so hard for years to get past this type of pain. He worked so hard to never become attached like this. He was angry that he had put his guard back down only to get hurt with a pain he swore he would never allow himself to feel again. 

“I’m going to go wash my dirty laundry I just wanted to see if you had anything I could take down to wash,” Kyungsoo said, stepping into his room one day and looking around for anything to take with him.

“I’ve been wearing this shirt for a couple of days…” Baekhyun sat up to tug the shirt over his head. He took in a sharp breath when the cold metal of Chanyeol’s ring hit his chest. Kyungsoo froze immediately, unsure how Baekhyun was going to react and still waiting to be handed the dirty shirt. 

Baekhyun was too distracted now to be worried about that. His fingers traced the ring before he reached behind his neck to fumble with the chain. He removed it and let go of one end so the ring could slide off. He stared at his left hand for a moment before slipping Chanyeol’s ring onto his finger right beside Jinho’s. He felt his tears coming back as he looked at them together and he pretended not to notice how Kyungsoo silently took his shirt from the bed and left, tears filling his own eyes. Chanyeol being gone wasn’t only something Baekhyun had to deal with, and he knew it. He just wished it didn’t have to be this way. As he lay back on the bed and stared at his hand, he just wished things could have been different.