Baekhyun’s emotions were all over the place. The feeling of community that surrounded him from living in the hospital was like a dream. He was still hyper-aware of what was going on outside. He knew how horrible the world was if he were to step past the hospital walls. He was scared to truly feel safe. Even after two months of being in his new home, he hadn’t quite shaken the feeling of being hunted. Nevertheless, he settled quickly into a comfortable routine, being assigned a job and along with it a sense of purpose.

Baekhyun wasn’t the best at scavenging, and he had been open with that when talking with Jongdae, a cheerful man who’d been one of the initial survivors to take over the hospital. Instead, he was put mostly on cleaning duty. Most of his time was spent in the kitchen after each meal cleaning off the trays and cooking utensils so Jihyo could rest after cooking. On other days he would use the hospital’s leftover cleaning supplies to do things like dust or clean the floors where mud had tracked in from the scavengers returning.

He had begun to get some of his weight back, closer now to how he appeared in his past life. The more time passed the more he could feel himself become stronger, physically and mentally. He tried to socialize himself as best he could while he had the opportunity, afraid to get too close to anyone but just as afraid to feel as alone as he used to. He quickly became close to Kyungsoo and Minseok, they would sit at the nurses' desk and laugh about different things. He would never again take for granted the feeling of genuine laughter erupting from his chest.

Then there was Chanyeol. He didn’t know what to categorize Chanyeol as in his brain. He wanted to say that Chanyeol was his best friend, that he meant more to him than anyone else in the hospital. He just wasn’t ready for that level of care towards someone yet. Not when he could lose Chanyeol like he had lost everyone he cared for before. Chanyeol however shamelessly treated Baekhyun in ways that Kyungsoo and Minseok did not. It started small, every day Chanyeol walked him to meals and back to his room after. He would always check the stairwells first while making Baekhyun wait behind him, just to be safe.

When Chanyeol went scavenging he would always try to find some type of snack to sneak back into Baekhyun’s room at night. Baekhyun pretended he didn’t notice how Chanyeol would always give him the bigger piece of whatever he split for them to share. He cared for Baekhyun in ways that Baekhyun had forgotten you could care for someone. Chanyeol had never once made Baekhyun feel like he wanted or expected more of their relationship but it still scared him. He tried to calm himself with the idea that this was just how he was with all his friends, but Chanyeol didn’t treat the others like this, only Baekhyun. He pushed the thought out of his brain.

They talked a lot about life before the outbreak on the nights that they would split snacks. Chanyeol had been a park ranger, Baekhyun figured that’s why he was so good at scavenging. He went out on every scavenging trip and he always managed to bring something good back. Chanyeol would tell Baekhyun about all of the adventures he had gone on. His day-long hikes through the mountains and all the wildlife he came across. Baekhyun's favorite thing was when Chanyeol would tell him about the plants he encountered. Chanyeol didn’t know a ton about plants, but he tried his best because he knew the older male enjoyed it.

Baekhyun confided in him about his dream garden, of how he had always imagined it as a place where he would be able to go and get his mind off the world. A place where he could connect to the memories of his childhood and feel at peace. He wondered if Chanyeol thought it was stupid, but he never said anything of the sort. Chanyeol always listened with this look in his eyes, like he was genuinely interested in every single word. For the first time in a long time, Baekhyun felt special.

There were still things they didn’t know about each other. Chanyeol had never even gotten close to bringing up Jinho. Baekhyun knew he knew, he had been sitting there when the ring came up in conversation with Minseok upon his arrival. He knew that Baekhyun had been engaged, yet he never dared to ask. Baekhyun appreciated it but it sparked questions of his own. He wondered what Chanyeol’s love life was before the world had gone to . Did he only like women? Did he have a lover too? Did he want one? The last question made his head spin slightly.

Similar to Baekhyun, Chanyeol had a ring too. He didn’t wear it on his hand, it was strung from a chain around his neck, resting against his firm chest. It was a more simple band with small engraved patterns resembling vines. Baekhyun wondered if it meant the same as his ring did, or if it was a simple piece of jewelry he just treasured. He didn’t realize when he would stare at it, the thoughts swirling around in his mind again. He felt like he was beginning to truly know Chanyeol, that they were closer than he had been with anyone in so long, and yet that ring held so much mystery for him. It was a piece of the man he wondered if he was ever going to get the honor to know about.

“You’re staring, Baek.” The deep voice startled him. His eyes lifted from the ring to Chanyeol’s face. “Were you looking at my ring?” Baekhyun was not a sneaky person, it was one of the many reasons why he failed at scavenging and was even worse at keeping secrets. He knew the taller male had caught him staring before yet had kindly not mentioned it until now.

“Is it the same as mine?” The question came out a bit harsher and faster than he had intended it to, and he wondered if he even worded it in a way that Chanyeol would understand. It wasn’t his business what the ring stood for, or why Chanyeol had it. He didn’t feel like he had the right to ask and he started to stutter out an apology before he could even get an answer.

“It’s fine, you can ask about it.” Chanyeol reached up to feel along the band with his fingers in a similar fashion to Baekhyun’s own nervous tick. “It’s not an engagement ring, no. This is from my parents, they gave it to me when I graduated high school but it got a little too small for my hand so I put it on a chain. I’ve just never taken it off.”

Baekhyun felt stupid. Why had he cared so much if it was an engagement ring or not? “Sorry, I know that it’s not easy for you to talk about your family.” He wondered if his voice sounded as guilty as he felt. Chanyeol always steered away from the conversation of his parents. Baekhyun understood, his family only came up in conversation on very rare occasions themselves. He didn’t know what had happened to them, and he accepted that he probably never would.

“Yours is an engagement ring, right?” Chanyeol’s voice was quiet, like he wasn’t entirely sure if it was a question he wanted to ask. Baekhyun understood, and he couldn’t be mad even if it stung a little to talk about it. Honestly, he had brought this upon himself. He felt bad but he couldn’t speak his reply, just nodding his head. He didn’t want to talk about it. He wasn’t ready. Maybe he never would be. There was silence but it wasn’t as uncomfortable as he expected. They shared the rest of a small bag of trail mix, both of their minds preoccupied with memories of the past. He just appreciated that Chanyeol wasn’t pushing him for any more information than he was willing to give.

“I’m going to go to bed.” Chanyeol spoke first, and Baekhyun just nodded yet again. He watched as the man headed towards the door, hesitating just for a moment before leaving, but long enough for Baekhyun to notice. He would think about that split second for the rest of the night.

—

Chanyeol waited on him for breakfast in the morning just like he always had. Baekhyun felt relieved that everything seemed back to normal. They ate two meals a day, breakfast and dinner. They were usually not specifically breakfast or dinner foods, just whatever could be scavenged and cooked. This morning however he was greeted with the sight of scrambled eggs and potatoes. Nothing they ever ate would have been Baekhyun’s first choice of meal, but his mouth watered at everything that had been set out in the cafeteria since his arrival.

“We got eggs?” He exclaimed, grabbing a plate and rushing forward to get some. Chanyeol was right behind him as always.

“Jongin and I scavenged them yesterday, we found a farm with some chickens about a mile or two northwest of here. I was so tired I forgot to mention it.” He scooped Baekhyun’s food up before getting his own. Baekhyun wondered if that was something friends normally did for each other, Chanyeol had been doing it every meal for the past month. Baekhyun figured he would in theory scoop Kyungsoo or Minseok’s food if they asked him to but even then the situation wasn’t comparable. Baekhyun never asked, Chanyeol just did it.

“A farm?” His voice was hopeful, mind picturing all of the different plants and animals that must have been there once. He wondered what it must’ve looked like now. “Is there-”

“No.” Chanyeol cut him off as they approached their usual table. His voice sounded bitter, disappointed. “All the crops were ruined. There were a few chickens in a coop and they looked cared for, so we suppose others are also watching after them. We left a bottle of antibiotics from the pharmacy and a couple of cans of soup as a trade when we took the eggs.”

Other survivors. He knew he should be thrilled about the chickens, but all he could feel was anxiety. Generally, the main worries would be the infected and the military, but he had his fair share of learning that the evilness of mankind was still very much alive during an apocalypse. Not everybody was friendly, and he didn’t know how someone would respond if they found two men stealing their eggs, even if they did try to leave a barter behind. He hoped they would never go back there.

“We’re planning on going back now and then to see what else is there.”

Great. Baekhyun gave him a look of disapproval but Chanyeol pretended he couldn’t see it. Chanyeol would always put feeding the group above his safety, Baekhyun knew that, and he secretly admired it even if he would never outwardly approve. His brain went back to thinking about the crops and his garden.

“I look for seeds for you every time I scavenge.” Chanyeol replied coolly as if he’d just read his mind. Baekhyun’s heart fluttered in his chest.

---

It took over his mind for days. He kept trying to figure out why he couldn’t get over it, couldn’t stop thinking about it. Chanyeol thought about Baekhyun’s silly wishes when he went out scavenging. He went out of his way to try and find something to make him happy even if it meant risking his life a little more than usual. Would he do that for the others? Would Baekhyun do that for Kyungsoo or Minseok? He wanted to say yes, of course, but he wasn’t certain. In a normal world situation, he would love to do special things to make his friends smile, to make them feel like they were cherished. But would he put his life on the line for that? God, what if Chanyeol got hurt?

Chanyeol was doing for him as Jongin did for Kyungsoo. Like… a lover. He had to stop him before he got himself hurt. Baekhyun felt that overwhelming sense of guilt again. He didn’t want to hurt Chanyeol’s feelings. He worried that maybe he wasn’t reading into it accurately and Chanyeol was just doing this as a friend, that he just cared for his friends more than Baekyun could understand. Either way, he had to talk to him before all this speculation drove him insane.

For the past couple weeks Chanyeol would follow Baekhyun into his room after dinner instead of dropping him off at the door. Some nights they had snacks, but others they would just sit on the floor and talk, tell stories, laugh. One night they had even secretly gotten drunk and fallen asleep on the cold tile. It made both of them feel alive. This night was initially no different. Chanyeol followed Baekhyun in and they took their usual places on the floor under the window.

“Chanyeol, I want to talk to you about something.” Baekhyun started, his voice came out faint and he mentally cursed himself for being such a wimp. He wasn’t scolding the taller, he wasn’t going to tell him to off or leave him alone. Yet he was scared. Chanyeol didn’t answer vocally, just tilted his head and quietly waited for Baekhyun to continue. “Why do you go out of your way to find seeds for me?”

There was an extended silence and he could see on Chanyeol’s face that he was thinking it over, really pondering about it instead of saying some bull excuse. Perhaps he knew that Baekhyun wasn’t going to take ‘because you’re my friend’ for an answer. “I want you to be happy.” He didn’t know if that was any better of an answer.

“Chanyeol, you’re doing what Jongin was doing for Soo on the night that I met him. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to go out of the way when you’re scavenging for the good of everyone else to find me some stupid seeds. I don’t even have a garden, Chanyeol. Put yourself in my shoes. Imagine me dying to get you seeds for a garden you don’t even have.” There was a long pause, his pulse picking up in his chest. “Plus I… I don’t want you to feel for me what Jongin feels for Kyungsoo because I’m not ready for that.”

“Baekhyun.” His name sounded different. For the first time, it was laced with an emotion he wasn’t used to from the other. “I know that you’re not ready for something any deeper than what we have and I respect that. I want you to be happy and I want you to have a garden because I care for you and it’s what you deserve. I don’t have ulterior motives.” He sounded defensive, upset. These emotions Baekhyun could pinpoint.

“Chanyeol I’m sorry. I just wouldn’t go out of my way for Kyungsoo or Minseok when it meant risking my life for something as insignificant as seeds or candy.” Baekhyun leaned down, settling his face in his hands as he tried to take a deep breath. “God if you died doing something like that for me, I wouldn’t know how to keep living. I can’t lose you too Chanyeol, I can’t...”

Chanyeol’s arms were encompassing him in no time. It was the first time they had physically been this close. It was the first time anyone had physically been this close to him in so long and he wanted to melt into it, wanted to stay there forever and enjoy the feeling of warmth and care. Instead, he pulled away, tears welling up in his eyes as he pulled their bodies apart, head shaking.

Jinho had been the last one to hold him like that, the memory was so fond yet so distant. It had been the night before the outbreak and they had been snuggling together in bed, a feeling of safety Baekhyun hadn’t felt since. Until just a moment ago. His mind was spinning and he felt sick again. He couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes and look at Chanyeol right now.

“Please leave.”

“What? Baekhyun, I didn't mean to upset you.”

“Chanyeol please.” Baekhyun’s voice cracked, not daring to look in Chanyeol’s direction as he stood and made his way to the door, exiting the room without another word.

Baekhyun cried himself to sleep that night. Just like he cried himself to sleep the night he had lost Jinho. The feeling was the same. Once again he felt alone.