it's been a year and joohyun is finally fine.

really she's fine.

she does not think of seungwan all that much and it doesn't mess with her days anymore. they have the same group of friends (it's... something to think about but not right now) and they mention her, her heart doesn't ache.

the feeling of loss is still there, joohyun will admit. she misses her, too. but life is like that and things get left behind. she gets left behind, it's nothing she hasn't experienced before.

she's starting to accept that seungwan and her are really over.

it's done.

she's starting to go on dates. the thought makes her scratch inside out but she's excited, okay?

her co-worker introduces her to a nice guy.

park bogum.

they go on a few dates and hit it off. he's so gentle and nice, he always takes care of joohyun and they joke around during their dates so much that joohyun finds herself relaxing. she pranks him once and he gets scared instead of laughing with her. he freezes and it's wrong because there should be a melodious laugh in the air but fine.

whatever.

usually, it takes so much out of her to relax around new people. bogum is different, he is. this time, joohyun thinks, maybe this time--

seungwan does not accept it.

it's rain from a clear sky and she's in thin clothes, she's not prepared.

seungwan hears of joohyun's new dates (she knows yeri told her, she knows, but yeri is younger, and accepting change is harder for her-).

there are calls and texts.

at 2 am, joohyun keeps getting a call every single night since she started dating bogum. thank god he's not there yet to know about it but it does bother joohyun a lot. it reminds her of their relationship, how seungwan never let her miss her that much with her constant attention. now her attention is suffocating, she can't get fully immersed in her new relationship. her finger keeps hovering over the answer button.

what would they talk about? what would seungwan say? would she tell her she misses her and wants her back?

the timing is really funny, now that seungwan can't have her, now that joohyun is dating someone else, seungwan suddenly wants her back.

screw her, screw her, honestly saying it twice isn't enough so screw her -- joohyun throws the phone on her bed screen down.

it doesn't stop ringing.

"you're shallow." joohyun grumbles.

she fixes her dress, the makeup feels itchy out of a sudden. she can't scratch her face, she'll ruin it. secretly, though, she's pleased to have that kind of reaction from seungwan.

she can't stop staring.

ridiculous, seungwan is being ridiculous. it's not even the first time they go out to an expensive restaurant. they have had fancy retreats before.

and now? now seungwan is a little lovesick kid, not knowing her own limits.

her emotions overcome her, joohyun blushes as she looks away. she can't look at seungwan when her eyes look like that.

"it's a personal preference." seungwan defends herself, for her own dignity, "i can find you beautiful if i want to, especially your profile."

"you're embarrassing me." joohyun mumbles, looking at her feet.

"how?"

"people are staring. you're bringing attention to us."

"they're staring because you're drop-dead gorgeous."

"come on."

"fine." seungwan takes her hand and tugs her closer, "people can find you ugly."

"no one has."

"now you're just bragging."

there it is, that smile seungwan has for her. joohyun swallows, tilting her head as if to kiss her. but she has to keep up with the appearances. people are not welcoming when they find out and they are here to have a nice night-

"you're pretty." seungwan murmurs, so close she feels her breath on her cheek.

"you're breathtaking." joohyun shoots back, suddenly competitive.

"alright, i recognize that look." seugwan pulls back with a laugh.

"i didn't do anything!"

"you were about to murder me." seungwan moves away from a slap on her arm that was coming. "see! careful, there are witnesses."

someone clears their throat behind them and they stand there like children caught stealing cookie dough.

"your table is ready."

"your table is ready."

"thank you." bogum smiles.

he politely puts a hand on her lower back and she's a rigid doll.

bogum doesn't know. he doesn't understand that joohyun is triggered by the memories of the time seungwan and her-

it's not even the memories, lately, she's been paranoid, seeing seungwan on each corner of the street. there was a lady with a beret and joohyun swore she laughed just like seungwan but seungwan hates hats, she'd never wear them.

bogum is perfect.

he's the partner she needs. he's calm and he doesn't provoke her to react in any way. she's calm with him. she needs that peace in her life.

her mother always said she needed someone like that to be her partner. she can hear her in her head -- joohyun, dear, you're fire. you need water on your side otherwise you'll burn everything down.

nevermind that she felt truly alive with--

"what element do you think you are?" joohyun asks suddenly once they are seated.

"what?" he laughs at the question, "um, i don't know, uh, air?"

joohyun deflates.

"why air?"

"i love the feeling of wind in my hair." he shrugs. "i love high places where the wind is strong and i'm sensitive to weather changes."

"i hate heights." joohyun notes.

bogum blinks, "we won't be climbing anything tonight."

"have you ever felt- nevermind."

"what?" bogum prompts her.

"no, i just, you're-- you and i wonder if you ever felt really mad."

bogum laughs at her. joohyun doesn't know what's so funny about her questions. is she being childish? her mother says-

"of course, i get mad. i get frustrated and i get sad. like every person." he says, "you don't make me mad so you wouldn't know."

"right." joohyun looks down.

"do you want me to be mad?" he jokes.

"ye-no, of course not." joohyun gives him a tight-lipped smile. "what are you going to order?"

in her mind she remembers seungwan sitting by her side, not in front of her. she put her arm around joohyun's shoulders and she felt safe. she felt warm and happy. bogum's hands are too big, his hand is lanky draping over her shoulders like she's tiny. she's not, she doesn't feel tiny in the world, her personality is big, she takes up space. his eyes don't look adoring at her, it's like he's looking at something that is his.

it's perfectly fine, he is looking at his girlfriend that's fine.

but seungwan used to look at her differently, she used to look at her like she hung the stars like she couldn't do anything wrong. but she constantly did so many things wrong. they argued a lot over the simplest things yet seungwan never blamed her or thought less of her. the arguments were about the way she did things. how she could improve - seungwan's motto was that everything could be improved one way or another. joohyun thought that there should be order and routine. they butted heads on that so many times but always came together at the end, never willing to let each other go.

"your apartment is very..." seungwan looks around searching for the right word, "flowery." she looks at the framed photo of flowers and the flowers on the table.

and on the counter and on the patterns of the duvet and there's joohyun's phone on the table with a flowery phone case.

"i love flowers." joohyun defends herself. "i'd have a whole garden of them if i could."

"i'll bring you flowers every day." seungwan grins.

joohyun's expression doesn't brighten like seungwan thought it would, "what? why? i want to bring you flowers too."

"i just want to shower you with them since you love them so much."

"i want to bring you gifts too." joohyun argues, "are you trying to be more assertive in this relationship? we can take turns, it doesn't have to be like that."

"what? no-" seungwan almost gets whiplash from the conversation change, "i'm not talking about gender stereotypes or being assertive- i want to bring you things you love because i love you. i'm not trying to be anything other than caring."

joohyun stands there staring at seungwan with a strange look on her face.

"what?" seungwan breaks the awkward silence.

"you love me?"

"huh?"

"you just said that you love me." joohyun points out.

"i didn't. i said things that you love, not that i love you."