I feel like Khun Sam is playing an MV. She stands with her arms crossed, looking absentminded, like she's thinking about something. But instead of doing her thinking in her office, she's doing it in the open workspace, causing everyone to feel tense. And it seems like I'm not the only one who thinks she's playing an MV when Khun Kirk, the key business partner, walks over to greet her with a smile..

"Which MV are you in?"

I almost burst out laughing when I heard that. We think the exact same thing. Khun Sam frowns and squints at her ex-fiancé turned friend.

"Gap the series, Pink Theory."

"Thanks for answering! What are you thinking about? You're making everyone nervous." khun Kirk sweeps his eyes through the open workspace. Everyone looks down. Some seem to be arranging something, some typing something on the computer, though their work doesn't require doing that. But if they don't seem to be doing anything, it would look like they are freeloading at work.

"I'm thinking about having a baby."

"Hmmm? Having a baby." Khun Kirk looks at his friend and then at me. I have heard about this before, so I'm not surprised, but I didn't think she would take it this seriously.

"Yes, I'm thinking about having a baby after getting married. I'm studying up on it."

"How will you have a baby? IVF (Gift)?"

"Probably so. Or maybe adoption." Khun Sam turns to me. "How does that sound, Mon?"

"Any is fine." I answer with a smile. "Up to Khun Sam."

"But personally, I want to be the one who carries the baby."

"What a sacrifice?" Khun Kirk says this with admiration as he puts his hands on his chest. "Where will you do the IVF (gift)?"

"Probably overseas. It is not yet supported in Thailand. I've got to have a husband to be able to do it here."

"If you married me, you wouldn't have to think this hard... I'm kidding, boo-hoo." Khun Kirk turns to wink at me, not wanting me to feel bad or guilty about the bad ioke he just made.

"Because Sam has a wife, Sam will have to do it overseas. It sounds like a bit of a hassle, but nothing I can't handle."

"Why will you carry the baby yourself? Why not let Mon do it?"

"I don't want Mon to be hurt. Sam can't stand the thought of that." She says it flatly, but it hits me straight to the heart. "Sam wants mini Mon running around the house. It would be so cute." "You're the one pregnant; how can you have mini Mon running around?"

"I already have it all thought out.

After the talk with Khun Kirk, it's lunchtime. Khun Sam and I came out for lunch. I see that Khun Sam is still searching for scientific ways for us to have a baby on her phone. I reach over to grab her hand and shake my head.

"Eat first kha. Khun Sam is too obsessed"

"I take everything I do seriously."

"How will Khun Sam be the one to give birth to Mon's baby ka?"

"Well "

Khun Sam's phone rang to interrupt our conversation before she could answer me. So we both forgot about the topic.

"What's up, Kate? I'm having a serious conversation, and you always call to interrupt. Hmm? Got a slot? Ahh. You go with her, then. Why does the entire gang have to take her to see the doctor?" Khun Sam replies P Kate with a flat voice. It seems like P Kate calls to say she already made an appointment with the doctor. "I don't need to get a checkup."

"You have to kha." I walk over and rudely take the phone from my girlfriend, as I know I can, and talk to the person on the other side of the line in her place. "P Kate ka. It's Mon. You made a doctor's appointment for P Jim already ka? Please make an appointment for Khun Sam also; Mon will take Khun Sam to do a checkup."

[Geez, so in love. Ok, I'll make an appointment for Sam as well. Which doctor do you want?]

"Any doctor that can diagnose headaches kha. Khun Sam's headaches act up too often these days."

[Ok. Drag her to the hospital tomorrow. She's so hard to convince.]

After I hang up, I glare at the stubborn one who refuses to go see the doctor by looking over the tip of my nose.

"Khun Sam can't run away kha. You have to get a checkup. Even if it's nothing, at least it will ease my mind and you can get some medication."

"You didn't have to make it a big deal."

"Khun Sam promised."

"I didn't mean that in a bad way."

She made a long face but agreed to go nicely because it was a promise she gave me. After P Kate made a doctor's appointment for us, the next day I took Khun Sam to the hospital. Everyone was there, wanting to give P Jim full support. P Jim didn't come all dressed up like usual today. She came in a t-shirt and jeans, looking grumpy like this was a waste of her time; she had the same look as Khun Sam, who whines about not wanting to come see the doctor.

"Coming to see a doctor makes you have this look like you just ate dog ?"

"I'm not crazy. Why do you have to take me to see a psychiatrist?" P Kate shakes her head at P Jim, who still thinks that only crazy people would come see a psychiatrist.

"You're not crazy, but you need to get treatment. Your condition may destroy your marriage."

"I want it destroyed. I already told you that I want a divorce. I want to be single."

"What about your children?"

"Let my husband raise them. I will go out and party. Let men pamper me like the old days and say... come surround me, gather around me"

"Hurry up and take her to the doctor." P Tee says, looking very annoyed with P Jim.

"And Sam, you go see your doctor. When both are done, come meet up here and let's go get something to eat, since we already met up."

P Tee set up the plan. We all nod and do what P Tee suggests by splitting up to go to different departments. Everyone goes to support P Jim. I was the only one who went with Khun Sam. The sweet-faced lady still didn't really want to go see a doctor but went in to see the doctor in a room while I waited outside.

Khun Sam went in for over 10 minutes and came out to tell me that the doctor wants her to go into a tunnel to check something. From thinking that it was migraine and will get some medicine to take home, it turns out that she will have to do a detailed checkup. She didn't tell me much, but she agreed to take the test easily. Khun Sam did the checkup for over an hour, and then the doctor talked to her again. They talk for a long time. Everyone is back from taking P Jim to see the psychologist and is now sitting with me to wait for Khun Sam.

"Why does E Yoi take so long?"

"I'm not sure kha. She had to go into a tunnel for a detailed checkup." I suddenly have a bad feeling about this. Around five minutes after talking to P Tee and the gang, Khun Sam comes out of the doctor's room with a straight face, not showing any emotion. P Kate, who was waiting, asks nosily.

"What did the doctor say? Why are you playing it bigger than E Jim?"

Khun Sam shrugs as if she doesn't care.

"It's nothing."

"What IS nothing?" P Tee asks. P Jim still sits quietly with her arms crossed, but she is looking on with interest at Khun Sam. Normally she would be the one who asks nosily, but today it seems like she's too lazy to speak.

"Well "

"Well?"

Khun Sam looks at me and signs.

"I told you not to take me to the hospital. Nothing good ever comes out of it"

"What is IT ka?" I start to rub my thumbs together nervously because Khun Sam seems hesitant to speak. All her friends look at her straight face, pressuring her until Khun Sam unavoidably says

"The doctor found a tumor in my head."

 

 

 E Sam, I'm the one who's seriously ill. Why did you steal my scene?"

P Jim turns from a zombie to going (really) crazy now after hearing that Khun Sam has a tumor in her head. She's so worried about her friend that she completely forgets about her own problems. As for me, I could only sit still and bite my nails, not knowing what to do, like my soul had already left my body. Right now, only P Kate and P Tee can compose themselves.

"What did the doctor say? Is it a tumor or cancer?" P Tee asks, wanting to know the result in detail. At the same time, P Kate pulls P Jim down to her seat to calm down because we're in a restaurant. Though we're in a private room, seeing a friend go crazy may make Khun Sam more frightened. However, Khun Sam remains stoic, does not show any concern, and shrugs as she answers.

"Don't know. The result is not out yet. It will probably take 4-5 days to know."

"It's lucky that Mon asked you to come for a checkup, and the tumor is not large yet. No wonder you have headaches so often. Why don't you take better care of
yourself? You're a CEO, and you have many employees under your wing. If something happens to you, it doesn't affect only yourself" P Tee preaches. Khun Sam only shrugs.

"I came, and now we know. Stop ranting. Let's wait for the test result to come out before getting all stressed out."

"Did the doctor say anything else ka? Like how to treat it? If it's just a tumor, how do you treat it? And what if it's not just a tumor." My voice starts to crack like someone who's having trouble controlling themselves. Khun Sam looks at me with pity and reaches over to rub my arms gently.

"I will have to undergo an operation to take it out. It can be treated; don't worry. Worst case is I die."

"Khun Sam!"

I slam the table and walk out of the restaurant quickly, enraged. Khun Sam runs after me. She grabs my arm to stop me so we can talk, but I twist my hand out of her grasp. My tears are about to fall. I am deeply hurt and sad that she talks about death like it's nothing without thinking about me, who would be left behind.

"Why are you angry?"

"Why am I angry? I'm angry that you talk about death so easily without thinking about Mon at all."

'I was just saying."

"Before you JUST say something, can you think first? Mon is going crazy with concern over you, but Khun Sam acts so cold. You talk about death without care. What if it was Mon? What if Mon is sick and says, so what if Mon dies? How would that make Khun Sam feel?"

"I would feel like I was left behind."

"Yes, that's exactly how Mon feels right now. Yet, Khun Sam said that it was nothing."

She reaches over to squeeze my wrist tightly and gives me a dry smile before consoling me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd make you think that far."

"Do you think about how Mon can live on if something happens to Khun Sam? (Sob)"

The sweet-faced lady pulls me in for a hug and rubs my back gently. It turns out the one with illness has to console me, who's perfectly healthy, instead.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't think enough before I spoke. I didn't want everyone to be too concerned. Everyone looks so worried about me that I wanted to lighten up the mood"

"If you feel bad, just say it. Why do you have to hold it in?"

"I don't feel that bad yet. It's just knowing that I have a tumor in my head. I don't want to overreact. I want everyone to act normal."

"Why does it have to be Khun Sam (sob) ?" hit her back, but she still continued to hug me. "Why not Mon?"

"It would be worse for me if something should ever happen to Mon. Let it be me who has to go through it."

"Mon feels the same way. Please get well, Khun Sam"

"It's ok. I promise I'll be okay. I still want to live my life with Mon. I have so many things I plan to do with tua. Getting married and having kids like we dreamed of. So don't worry, I won't die easily."

"I will take this as a promise from Khun Sam."

"I never break a promise. Trust me."

My mind is not at peace yet, but I try not to show my misery to Khun Sam. And Khun Sam is strong enough to not show any emotion. She still goes to work and scolds her staff as usual. News of her sickness has spread to Khun Kirk and, eventually, Khun Nueng, her eldest sister.

Khun Nueng dashes to yell at her little sister at the office, similar to when P Jim first found out.

"Why didn't Sam tell kao (me) about your sickness?" Khun Nueng, who slips out of her restaurant to see Khun Sam, speaks so loudly that it can be heard outside of Khun Sam's office. The staff that sneaked a peek still doesn't know what's going on. I had to enter Khun Sam's office and press the remote to close the curtain to give us some privacy.

"The news spread so fast. Khun Nueng is another one to come yell at me. Sam just has a tumor, Sam didn't kill anyone"

"How can you let me hear something this important from someone else instead of Sam?"

"Sam is still okay. It's nothing serious yet."

"You still say it's nothing serious? Mon too, you can speak; why didn't you tell me? Do you want me to be the last to know? After Sam is dead?" Khun Nueng said angrily. But the D word stabs me in the heart. Khun Sam, seeing me like this, shakes her head and asks Khun Nueng to stop.

"Don't jinx me, Khun Nueng."

Q "I'm not jinxing you. But I'm so f*#%$! pissed. I have two sisters; one committed suicide and the other is seriously ill. I can't take any more losses. And why are you still working when you're this sick? Why not rest at home?"

"It's boring to stay home; it's better to come to work. The doctor will call to tell me the result, no matter where I am. I'm more useful working."

"Don't you have anything else aside from work in your life? You're this sick; why not stay home and make out with your girlfriend? Let others do the work"

"That's a good idea." Khun Sam says with a slight smile before looking my way. "I'll take a day off tomorrow to make out with Mon."

She's still joking around, which makes Khun Nueng lift her fingers to massage her temples.

"Get well, Sam. I'm serious. I beg you... don't let anything happen to you." Her concerned look makes Khun Sam get up and walk over to hug Khun Nueng. It's a scene I rarely get to see in normal situations.

"Nothing will happen to Sam kha. Khun Nueng doesn't need to worry."

"How can I not worry when my sister is seriously ill? Phi knows that Sam is scared but is trying to hold it in."

"Sam is not scared."

"We grew up together. Does Sam think kao does not know Sam?"

Khun Sam answers with silence. Khun Nueng just signs because she does not want to pressure Khun Sam.

"Just keep me updated. Don't let me hear the news from someone else again."

"Who did Khun Nueang hear the news from?"

"Kirk... Why does he have to be named Kirk wa? Who named him?" Khun Nueng gets upset every time she hears this name because she can't understand where it comes from.

"Kirk has such a big mouth."

"From tomorrow onward, don't come to work. Phi will send you healthy food."

"Our top chef also provides this good a service?"

"I only have one sister left. Tomorrow, take a day off, go out, and do what makes you happy. You won't go bankrupt taking one day off work."

"Kha."

"Don't say yes but not do it. Stop being a workaholic and do as I say."

"Sam understands."

"Good"

"Khun Nueng"

"What?"

"If something happens to Sam, can you take my place as CEO?"

"Gosh Sam." Khun Nueng starts to become angry again when her sister talks like she's saying goodbye. "Sam will be okay, and I'm not good at the work you do. Get well and come back to work like normal. Promise me"

"Why does everyone make me promise?"

"Because Sam always keep your word."

"Kha. I Promise."

"Good"

Khun Nueng ends the conversation like that and looks at me, giving me a nod in the head, before she walks out of the room. I watch Khun Sam send Khun Nueng off with her eyes and walk over to rub her arm gently.

"Khun Nueng worries about you. Don't worry about it na."

"I know. I'm not worried, but thinking about something else."

"What are you thinking?"

"Let's make out when we go back today."

I hit her gently on the shoulder and laughed.

"Geez. You are quick to take Khun Nueng's advice na ka."

"You won't do it? I'm seriously ill and all?" Khun Sam leans her head on my shoulder, asking for TLC. "Can I be on top today?"

"Hey, Khun Sam!"

Knock, knock, knock.

Khun Sam bounces her head off my shoulder when she hears the knocking sound. She stands up straight and invites the guest to come into the room.

"Good afternoon krub M.L."

I remember that he is our company's lawyer, whom Khun Sam frequently calls for advice. As there is nothing else for me to do here, I prepare to leave the room. But as I was leaving, without them noticing that I was still within hearing distance, I overheard their discussion.

"You drafted it?"

"Krub. The will according to your wishes. I bring it here for M.L. to check it again before signing it!"

"Krub. The will according to your wishes. I bring it here for M.L. to check it again before signing it!"

"What?"

I close the door and jump into the middle of the conversation when I overhear the word "will." Khun Sam frowns a bit to warn me the way a boss warns an employee-to keep the chain of command in front of the lawyer.

"This is none of your business. You can leave Kornkamon."

"How can it not involve Mon. Mon just heard that Khun Sam is drafting a will. Why are you drafting it?"

Seeing that I won't back down, Khun Sam signs and admits it willingly.

"Just to be safe, in case.."

"In case, what?"

"In case I die... everything I own will become yours."

 

 

Mon, why won't you talk to me today?" Khun Sam grabs my hand as I'm about to walk up to the second floor. I, who had been trying to hide my pain all day, stopped and turned to look at her with blood-red eyes and tears ready to fall down my cheeks. Khun Sam panicked: "Why are you crying?"

"Why did you write a will?"

This has been on my mind since this afternoon. The only reason I haven't said anything yet is because I'm afraid I would get loud and get into a fight with her at the office. The sweet-faced lady, who would normally keep her poker face, signs and explains to me again.

"Just in case."

"Do you think that you are going to die? Is that why you're doing all this preparation? Are you leaving Mon?"

"It's not like that. I iust want to be prepared. Mon, talk to me."

But I shake her hand off and stomp up the stairs. Khun Sam comes after me and pulls me in for a back hug as we reach the bedroom.

"Don't touch Mon."

"Mon knows that I think everything through before I do it. And this is preparation for the unexpected events... We don't know whether what's in my head is a tumor or cancer. I don't want to do everything when it's too late. It's better to do the preparation while I am still capable of thinking straight."

"Khun Sam said there's nothing to worry about. This means you also think that you are dying?" I try to shake myself out from her hug, not wanting to listen to any more explanations.

You can say that I'm being stupid. But the fact that she's doing this all by herself hurts me because I love and care about her. "Why tell Mon that it will be okay if you don't think it will?"

"Mon. Do you really want to waste our valuable time fighting?"

"..."

"Can we make up and make the most of our time together? Can I ask that from vou?"

Her voice is full of fear. It's annoying that what she's saying is unarguably reasonable. Yes... why should I waste time fighting with her? The person who's probably most frightened right now is khun Sam, not me. I should give her all my support. When I come to my senses, I stop trying to pull away and rub the back of the hand of the person with the same height, starting to understand what she's trying to say.

"I'm sorry. Mon was wrong."

"We're not going to fight."

"Mon does not want to fight. Mon is just worried about you... Mon is hurt. Does Khun Sam understand Mon?"

"I understand. So tua have to understand what I'm doing too. I don't want things to get complicated after this. All we can do now is wait for the lab results to see if it's a tumor or cancer. While we wait for the result, let's be good to each other."

"(Sob) Don't talk like that" Mon is afraid of losing Khun Sam."

"I'm not afraid of dying". Khun Sam hugs me tighter from behind and puts her chin on my shoulder. "But I'm afraid of not getting to be with you anymore. Let's make the most of today and each day that comes after"

She says that as she sniffs my neck and starts to draw her hands down the curves of my body the way she knows she can. I didn't stop her, as I knew what she wanted, and I'm ready to be hers at a time like this. I turn to her. She wipes off my tears before kissing me all over my face and nudging me towards the bed. Then she took off my clothes piece by piece until there was nothing left on me. I also help take off her clothes so that we can love each other like we always do.

However, it's different this time. It's more delicate, like she wants to memorize each action-the parts she likes the most and the parts I like the most. She showers me with kisses at all the places where she can best feel my pulse. She sniffs my body and keeps telling me how much she likes it.

Her tongue sweeps down from my navel to my sensitive spot. She uses her hands to pull my legs up so that she can get closer. Her warm tongue and finger take turns making me moan. She compliments me as she tastes me like someone who's infatuated.

"Rua love tua na."

"Mon... also loves Khun Sam." My entire body shakes as she accelerates. I close my eyes and put a pillow on my face so that I don't scream too loud. But the sweet-faced lady pulls the pillow off my face and throws it to the side.

"Let it out. I want to remember everything about you."

"It's embarrassing!"

"I love your voice."

"...."

"I love your smell."

"...."

"I love everything that is you."

"....."

"I love everything that is you."

Now we're lying , hugging each other with our legs, looking at the ceiling, and thinking about something silently. I sneak a peek at Khun Sam, who remains all quiet, and ask curiously about what's on her mind.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking that I will stop working from tomorrow onwards and spend all my time with you. I'm planning what I want to do, but I can't think of anything but to make love to you all day."

"Ai Bah (you crazy girl) "I grab a pillow near me and hit the cheeky girl. The only thing she thinks about is what she wants to do to me. "Think of some other activities. How can we possibly do this all the time?"

"I can do that"

"Do it alone then."

"Doing it alone is not making love; it would be ing."

"Greed, Khun Sam, you're being too direct again. That's too cheeky."

"Why are you always shy with straight talk? Lovers should be able to talk to each other on any topic."

"Stop. Change the topic."

"OK, change of topic... if what's in my head is a tumor and everything is back to normal after I have it removed."

"Ah-huh?"

"I plan to marry you after that, and we'll go do an IVF." She's still determined about the IVF (gift). I lift myself up to lean on my elbow and look at her while using my fingertip to poke the bridge of her nose playfully.

"Khun Sam really wants to have a baby with Mon?"

"I know you like kids.

"I do, but we don't have to raise one. You iust focus on what I like: what about you? Do you like kids?"

"I like whatever Mon likes. It would be nice, like a family. Have kids running around the house, mini Mon and mini Sam.

"Does that mean that we will have two kids?"

"We can start with one. We're ready in every way. Having a kid would add color to our lives. Mon would probably be happier. I don't want Mon to later have regrets and think that you should've married a man so you could have kids. I will show you that I can do it too."

"If that's the reason for having a kid, let's not. Mon is not serious about having children. Also, Mon does not like men."

"Let's say it's a plan. The main one is getting married. Right after my operation, let's go cut a wedding gown and book a hotel. We'll only invite the important guests, and I'll fast-rope down a helicopter.."

"Still going on about the helicopter, huhu." I quickly lean in to snuggle and take a deep breath of Khun Sam's baby smell. "Sing the helicopter song at our wedding na ka."

"Whatever makes tua happy."

"Did you consider adopting a baby? So that Khun Sam does not have to get hurt too."

"I thought about it, but I have a plan."

"What is it?"

"I will use the to fertilize your egg and carry the baby. In that way the baby would have your genes while I'll be the one carrying and giving birth to our baby. And if Mon wants more than one kid, then we can adopt. I'm fine with that"

"That's so cute. I haven't thought about that"

"Because I have both beauty and brains."

"Any other plans aside from getting married and having a kid? Anything else Khun Sam wants to do?"

"Umm. Adjust my lifestyle. Work less, exercise more, and have more time for Mon... We'll go out of town once a month and travel abroad. She keeps going on about our future. I look at her picturing our future in her head, and give her a slight smile as I nod to show that I agree with those plans. I will do whatever she wants to do; that's my plan.

"Okay, let's do whatever you want us to do together. Khun Sam just gets better, gets healthy; Mon will do them with you."

"I know you would. You were willing to be my wife a moment ago."

"Back to this topic again? Ai Bah."

I don't know when fell asleep. I was surprised to wake up at 4 a.m. and not see the person who was supposed to be laying next to me. I laid back down and waited for over 10 minutes, but Khun Sam still didn't show up. I wondered where she went, so I got out of bed and walked out of the room to look for her. Maybe she went down to get some water. I am also thirsty, so I intend to go down to get some water too. But I have to stop midway down the stairs when I see a shadow of someone hugging her knees on the sofa and crying so hard her body sways.

"(Bawl)"

Pain spread through my chest. The aching pain of seeing someone I love hugging herself and crying so hard makes me have a lump in my throat. I put my hand on my mouth to not let any noise come out as I started to cry too. She puts up a strong front when she is with me, but she sneaks down to cry alone because she doesn't want me to worry.

She's scared... Very scared, but she can't show it.

"Khun Sam.." I swallow my sorrow and decide to call her. When the sweet-faced lady saw me on the stairs, she quickly composed herself, wiped her tears, and sat up straight like nothing happened. "Don't hide how you feel from Mon. If you're scared, say you're scared."

"No I'm not."

(thud)

I swooped in to give her a hug while she was still sitting on the sofa. The sweet-faced lady starts to let down her strong front and hugs me back. I her back, kiss her temples, and whisper in her ear, understandingly.

"If you're scared, say it na ka. No need to hide from Mon. We will get through this together."

"(sob)... I'm scared."

"Kha. Mon is also scared. But we can share this. Mon will be here and not go anywhere."

"I'm afraid that I won't get to be with you anymore"

"Mon is afraid too (sob)"

We cried like that at 4 a.m., swaying our bodies from side to side like we were both trying to console a small child. It's ok. If she's scared, she can say it. If she wants to cry to flush out what's bothering her inside, she can cry. From now on, I will be strong. I will walk right beside her. No matter what's ahead of us, I'm ready to go through it with her.

This is what being a lover is about. I will be the best lover. This is a promise from me... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually, the lab result comes out. The hospital calls Khun Sam in for the result, and she tags me along. We held hands as we were listening to the result. Her hand was freezing cold, as she was afraid that it would be bad news. But it wasn't. it's not cancer, and Khun Sam could undergo surgery to remove the tumor without any harm. That eases our minds a bit, but Khun Sam still has concerns.

"Would there be any side effects from the surgery? Will I be able to live a normal life?" she asked worriedly. "My arms and legs would be OK? I would still be able to move my fingers? It wouldn't lower my ual drives?"

I glare at the person asking all these questions, wanting to pinch her waist. It seems like she's more worried about this than about going back to live a normal life. The doctor smiles upon hearing those questions and reassures that there's nothing to worry about. Khun Sam would definitely be able to go back to living a normal life, with only one difference...

"Rao have to shave my head."

Khun Sam drives home with me with a serious face. She clenches the steering wheel so hard that it almost breaks in her hand. I look at her amusingly. All she worries about is her bald head.

"Mon has never seen you with short hair; it would be nice to see it"

"I will have to shave my head. How can I have short hair?"

"Hair grows. When you have short hair, you will be handsome like P Tee." I continue to sweet-talk her so she feels better. Khun Sam gazes at me and frowns.

"Handsome? Tua like Ai Tee style?"

"No. But it's like getting a new version of Khun Sam. A confident woman. A fresh look" I shake her arm when I see that she looks stressed. "It's ok. Short hair will eventually grow into long hair. Khun Sam is beautiful with both short and long hair."

"I know."

"If you know that your hair will grow anyway, then why are you so stressed?"

"I know that I'm beautiful"

Sometimes her confidence makes me want to pull her hair. If a plain looking woman says that, it would be just a joke. But for someone beautiful to say it, it can be a bit irritating.

"If you're confident in your beauty, then there's nothing to worry about. Mon feels better now. I can't get any sleep these last few days before knowing the result."

"You snored loudly every night."

"Khun Sam!"

"But it's good that the doctor said I'm ok. I can go back to work." She is eager to get back to work after taking a few days off. However, I shake my head in disagreement.

"No kha. Khun Sam has to rest for now. Let Khun Kirk handle office work." I look overly excited. "Let's invite P Kate and P Jim to go to the temple to pay respect to the Buddha and pray for your operation to go well."

"I don't like temples. It's hot."

"Just a visit. Let's try relying on something sacred for a change. Don't you love Mon? We never dated in a temple before"

"You can date in the temple? Where do you make out, in the restroom?"

"You should think of something other than making out from time to time."

"Huhu."

Despite saying that, Khun Sam invites all her friends to come give alms together on our day off. Everyone was eager to come when invited to pay respect and pray to the Buddha. Especially Yuki and P Tee, who want to come and ask for their love to go on smoothly. P Jim was the only one who had a long face the entire ride to the temple.

"Whose idea was this?"

"Me."

Khun Sam replies with a straight face. We're all on P Tee's family van. At first, P Jim was the most elated because we told her that we were going to the beach. But now she has a long face because she found out that we're going to the temple.

"Why did you guys tell me that we were going to the beach? My clothes are so thin that all the monks will leave the monkhood. Dic*"

"You're too full of yourself. You're not that beautiful"

"E Moi. You're so lost these days."

"Rude." P Kate interrupts, but P Jim didn't care and continued to complain.

"I was choking my saliva, not intend to use the wrong word. Anyway, what's gotten into E Sam? Why invite us to a temple? You used to say it was too hot. I'm sure it's Mon's idea." P Jim looks at me nastily. I lean back a little, feeling a bit nervous. Khun Sam uses her razor eyes to fight with P Jim, who scolds me in front of her.

"What's the big deal about coming to the temple?"

"It's hot!"

"How hot could it be?'

"Have you ever seen an air-conditioned temple? And what's here to see but sculpture? What do I get from coming? At least going to the beach, there is salty wind and men walking around for me to look at."

"I thought you said you were better now?" P Tee is starting to become frustrated with P Jim's complaints. P Jim murmured.

"I have depression from time to time. It gets better if I go to the beach. I cry if I go to the temple. No. Don't want to go. Change destination. I don't want to go to the temple."

"If you don't want to go, then stay here. Others want to go pay respect to the Buddha and pray. You're such a sinner."

"What will someone as nasty as you pray for?" "Pray that Yuki and I love each other for a long time."

"100 to 1, you won't be together longer than a year. Yuki... I warn you that Ai Tee is not a good person. If you want to be with her, be careful. At first, even vegetable juice is sweet, but deep down, she's.. murmur." P Tee stuffs her hand into P Jim's mouth to stop her from talking. P Kate, who has been listening for a while, smirks.

"Good. I was going to ask someone to help shut her up. So annoying. We are going to give merit; why have to try to stop us."

But P Jim is P Jim. She will find a way to have her say, no matter how hard we try to stop her. So she talks all the way to the temple until our ears hurt. She keeps saying that love makes life dull.

"I don't understand why we have to tie ourselves to someone. Loving ourselves is tiring enough; do we have to tie our hearts with someone else too? Isn't my life a life lesson enough?"

"Go get holy water, E Jim. We're at the temple, and you're still complaining."

The van's door opened. There are a lot of people at the temple today, so P Kate has to put on a hat and mask to avoid being recognized. No one probably told her before that people would look at her more when she does that, wanting to know who is trying to hide their identity.

And yes, many people recognize her and ask to take photos. Though she tries to refuse, she has to do it anyway because she doesn't want her super star rating to drop. So the temple visit today was a bit inconvenient.

Khun Sam and walk into the chapel and pay respect to the Buddha. P Jim was the only one to make a long face and put up her hands hastily. Yuki and P Tee went to do Kau Chim in another corner. Wanting to know her result, I walked over to Yuki. P Tee's girlfriend, who is getting the prediction paper, gives me a smile.

"How's the prediction."

"About to read it, but not dare to."

"Oh. How come?"

"What if the prediction is bad."

"Believe it if it's good. Not believe it if it's not... let's see it."

P Tee who also got a Kau Chim and came to get her result was more interested in Yuki's prediction than hers.

"What did you get? Phi got 9."

"Yuki got 14... ok let's read."

After hesitating for a long time, Yuki opened the prediction paper and read it line by line. As we know, Kau Chim prediction is written like poetry, and we have to decrypt it.

NUMBER 14. RICH WITH FRIENDS. HARD TO FIND.

BUT LOVE LIFE. SUCH A SHAME. IT'S SO BAD.

SOUL MATE. NOT THERE. NOT THIS LIFE.

FREE BIRD. FREE FISH. FREE SELF.

Yuki's prediction about her love makes us all look at each other. Yuki's face becomes pale as her prediction about love wasn't good. I quickly grab the paper and burn it on the stove for good luck.

"Whatever's bad, just throw it away and don't believe it"

"Why do it in the first place if you do not believe in it? I already believe it." Yuki looks like she's going to cry as she is sensitive about these things. P Tee reaches over to rub her arm, all hyped up, and changes the focus to her prediction.

"It's ok. Let's read mine. If mine is good, then our love will be good too. Let's see what it says.."

NUMBER 9. THEY SAY. IT'S FAITH.

WILL MEET. SOULMATE. SURE THING.

BUT TURN OF THING. WILL PART.

CAUSE NOT SMART. LIVE LIFE CARELESS.

BE ALONE. IS GOOD. FOR SELF.

MEET NEW. NOT DWELL. IN PAST.

BE STRONG. BE FREE. BE CLEAR.

BETTER WAY. WILL COME. HAPPY END.

Even P Tee's prediction goes in the same direction, though it was a different number. I started to feel uneasy as both of them went quiet. Though they are forward- thinking, they still act as if the Kau Chim is sacred and the predictions may come true. Again, I quickly grab the prediction from P Tee and burn it while giving them a big smile.

"If we burn it, bad will become good kha. Nothing can get in between you two. Don't worry."

"Mon is not doing it?"

"Mon doesn't like these things. I like the sound when people do it, but I don't like reading predictions."

While we're talking, Khun Sam walks over and grabs a prediction paper from the shelf. My eyes became wide open with panic. I just got shaken up by Yuki's and P Tee's predictions, and my girlfriend just picked up another one. Though I say I don't believe it, I quickly grab it and throw it away. The sweet faced lady looks at me confusingly and frowns.

"I haven't read it yet."

"There's no need to. It's our life. We write it ourselves."

"It's just for fun."

"Let's continue our fun elsewhere. Let's go eat prawns. Let's go to the place you took me for a date. Do you remember ka?" Khun Sam forgets about the prediction and rubs her stomach, looking livelier when she thinks about food.

"Oh yeah, I'm hungry. Let's go. It's crowded and hot here."

We all agreed, so we exit the temple. P Jim ran after us, looking all happy, the opposite of when we got here.

"Guyssss I love this place."

"Such a mood swing." P Kate, who came back from the restroom just in time to hear P Jim exciting cry, say sarcastically, "What did you find here."

"The monk is so handsome"

Everyone looks at P Jim with the expression of someone with dog poo in their mouth.

"You're so going to hell."

"I won't be lonely down there. I will have lots of friends, including you." P Jim says sharply. P Kate has her arms crossed and moves her lips mocking P Jim while Khun Sam iust shakes her head in disagreement.

"No. I will look down from the sky to see how you're being punished in hell."

"Hurr. E angle. So confident you'll go to heaven. You disobeyed your grandmother by being with a woman. You'll go to hell for sure."

"Why are you such a big mouth? In Gap 1 you get every couple together. But now you're trying to break everyone up. Sometimes I just want to kick you into the middle of the highway so a car will hit you and end your misery." P Tee bares her teeth, about to lose control. But P Jim doesn't pay attention and unfolds a paper ball. "Now what?"

"E Yoi's prediction. I saw Mon throw it away, so picked it up."

Khun Sam seems calm, but I panick because I'm very afraid of the prediction from this temple. From all I've seen, none is good.

"Tada~ I will read for everyone to hear."

"She threw it away. Why would you pick it up?"

"Because I would like to know... Let's see what it says. Ah... get number 13, fitting for E Sam."

NUMBER 13. IT SAYS, BAD LUCK.

SITTING DUCK. NO WINGS. NO TAIL.

CAN'T FLY. WILL FAIL, WILL STUMBLE.

FALL FROM, THE SKY. NO SHADOW.

DARKNESS FLOW, NO LIGHT. NO SHINE.

A DEVIL. FROM BEHIND. WON'T LET GO.

ALL THAT'S GOOD. GO BAD. BAD INDEED.

DO GOOD DEED. TURN BAD. BACK TO GOOD.

Everyone went quiet after P Jim finished reading that. P Kate squeals as P Jim bares her teeth a bit, crumbles up the paper, and swallows it.

"What the hell did you do? How can you swallow that? It's dirty."

"So now it's like I haven't read it. Stupid Kau Chim, not say anything good... If E Sam is not lucky, who is? She has a beautiful wife and is rich as f***. A prediction like that will just scare people. The only thing good in this temple is the monk." P Jim stops and looks at a guy that just walked pass. "Oh god, that staff is also handsome."

"Such a mood breaker."

"I will enter nunhood here."

"The temple will be hot as hell."

P Jim changes the topic to lighten up the atmosphere. But I was deep in fear. We intend to come pay respect to the Buddha so we feel better. But the prediction is the opposite. Khun Sam probably sees how I feel, so she reached over to interlock all five fingers with mine and gently squeeze my hand, understandingly.

"Don't think too much about it."

"Mon not doing that."

"Don't let the prediction affect us. Otherwise, what you think will really happen. It was my Kau Chim, and I don't even believe it. So you shouldn't think about it"

"Mon shouldn't have suggested we come to the temple."

"It says to do good deed and what's bad will become good."

"Khun Sam says not to believe it."

" I only believe the good parts".

 

 

It's time to prepare for the operation. I prepare Khun Sam's clothes for staying over at the hospital. It's a frightening time, but I have to act as if everything is normal because I don't want to scare the sweet-faced lady. The night I saw her crying alone, it told me that though she puts up a strong front, she is not that strong inside. So, even though she seems unbothered, if I am scared, it may dampen her spirit.

"There's no need to prepare this much clothes. I will have to wear the hospital gown after the surgery anyway."

"Khun Sam makes a good point." I nod and change to pack my own clothes. "Mon will bring only my clothes then. And only one for Khun Sam to wear when you get discharged."

"I won't be discharged that quickly. Will have to recuperate for a few days."

"Then have to bring a lot of clothes for myself to stay at the hospital with Khun Sam."

"No need to stay overnight at the hospital with me. Come sleep at home; it's much more comfortable."

"I'm lonely without you lying next to me. Also, aren't Khun Sam afraid of ghost? There are a lot of death cases at the hospital."

"Maybe a few died on your bed."

"I'll scratch your face. What are you saying?"

"huhu. I'm trying to scare you so you will let me spend the night with you."

"Whatever."

After a ghost story, the person who didn't want me to be uncomfortable spending the night with her at the hospital changes her mind quickly. As I was packing, a warm hug spread through my back. The sweet faced lady snuggles and sniffs the smell of my body from my neck, like she wants to engrave the smell on her memory.

"Your smell comforts me. Thank you for being by my side as I go through this."

"If I'm not by your side now, when will I be? If Mon is not well, Khun Sam would go be with me at the hospital too."

"It's best that nothing happens to you. Let it happen to me."

"It's best if nothing happens to both of us. But as it already did, we will get through it together."

"After the surgery, do as you promise."

"What promise?"

"That we'd get married."

I turn around to hug her, full of appreciation. She never forgets about this and seems to want to get married more than I do.

"Kha. Whatever Khun Sam wants."

"I should have gotten sick a long time ago."

I hit her once and returned to packing. Khun Sam watched me do this and that, lay down on the bed, and doze off. At first, I was going to wake her up so she could sleep properly because she hadn't put a blanket on her. But when I see her sleeping like a baby, I decide to let her continue to sleep comfortably.

She has a lot ahead of her tomorrow.

After arriving at the hospital, Khun Sam immediately changes into the hospital gown. Her spirit is high today because all her friends, as well as Khun Nueng and Khun Kirk, came to support her. Khun Sam sweeps her eyes across everyone with a straight face (as usual) and says when her friends start to get annoyingly loud.

"Why such a big crowd?"

"We came to support you. P Kate, who's in the middle of a juicy conversation with P Jim, replies without paying attention to the patient. It's like she comes to have fun more than to visit Khun Sam.

"But you sit with your back to me, chatting with each other."

"Because talking to you is no fun." P Jim supports P Kate, making Khun Sam twist .

"Then go talk at home, not here. This is a hospital, not a fresh market."

"Your mouth is getting bigger by the day, E Yoi. Having many people around to support you is good, isn't it?"

"That's right, Sam. It's good that there are a lot of friends here, so you won't be lonely. By the way, you're well prepared for the operation, right? What did the doctor say? Is there anything to worry about?" Khun Nueng asks with concern. Khun Kirk, who has been quiet since he arrived, also looks over at Khun Sam curiously.

"The doctor said it's a standard operation with nothing to worry about. I haven't consumed anything and am ready for the operation. I will get operated on and be cured. But I will be bald."

"Ops, E Yoi will be bald." P Jim mocks. "Since I know her, she has always had long hair. I will get to see her bald soon. I will take a picture and keep it in my wallet like an amulet of a sacred monk."

Everyone giggles. Khun Sam rolls her eyes like before changing the topic.

"When Sam's hair is long enough to look beautiful like before, Sam will start the wedding preparations immediately."

As she gets to this part, Khun Sam tries to find something in her purse at the top of the bed. She hands me a black flannel box. I didn't have to open it to know what was inside. Everyone in the room was screaming, except for P Jim who is enemies with everyone who wants to get married.

"Why is everyone getting married? Doesn't anyone listen to me when I say married life ?"

"This is not the time to be babbling. It's up to you if you want to leave your husband and desert your children. But others want to celebrate good things." P Tee bares her teeth at P Jim and walks over to look at the ring Khun Sam handed me. "This is huge. How many karats?"

"Quite a lot, but I don't want it to be - in your face - big. It should look good on Mon; try it on to see if it fits." Khun Sam urges me to take the box. I take the ring out of the box and look at how it sparkles as it dances with the lights. I look at Khun Sam, feeling overwhelmed, and ask with a shaky voice.

"When did you buy it? Mon have no idea"

"Ordered from Shopee."

"Gotcha! It's made to order. They just delivered it to the office the other day. I was going to give it to you but I forgot. I just remember that I was going to talk about the wedding when I saw Tee, so I pulled it out. This is good. There are a lot of witnesses. Now everyone knows that the first thing will do after I recover is marry tua"

I stood there, twisting with shyness. Khun Sam sees that I wouldn't put the ring on, so she puts it on my ring finger. It fits perfectly. Everyone claps happily. Yuki sees that and makes a suggestion about the wedding.

"Let's hold the wedding ceremony together. We can be both the bride and bridesmaid."

"That's a good idea. It should be fun." P Kate agrees while P Jim looks at her nails and murmurs.

"It's that a good idea"

"E Jim, shut your mouth." P Kate screams at her. No one wants to pay attention to P Jim, so everyone turns the focus to Khun Sam.

"Anything is fine. Let's plan our wedding after Khun Sam is cured." I look at her, still feeling overwhelmed. Khun Sam reaches over to hold my hand and smiles slightly; this is something you rarely see her do in public.

"Yes. Let's get married after my treatment"

The happy hours have passed. Everyone went home, while I stayed with Khun Sam until it was time for the operation. It's the moment that wish didn't come, because I'm full of concerns. Afraid of mistakes at the critical moment, like in the K-series, where the doctor cut the wrong vessels or didn't take out all the tumor. Or what if something goes wrong, and Khun Sam becomes handicapped. But I try not to let it show as walk beside her stretcher. I give her an encouraging smile all the way until we reach our destination.

"Rao love Tua na"

Khun Sam says this before she goes into the operating room. I suddenly felt nervous when she burst that out and frowned.

"Why are you saying this now? Don't do this; you're making me nervous."

"Just saying I love you is wrong? I'll say it again when I am cured then. See you again in three hours or when I become conscious."

"Fighting na ka."

I stood there until the stretcher went into the operating room. I waited there, not going anywhere, like my support could reach her from here. Khun Nueng arrived as I was walking back and forth. She's probably concerned about her sister as well, but she arrived after Khun Sam went into the operating room.

"Sam gone in for a while?"

"Quite some time kha."

"How long have you been here?"

"Around two hours kha"

"I think you better go eat and get some rest. Walking around here won't help. It's not like Sam knows you're waiting here."

"But Mon feels better waiting here. In case the doctor walks out to tell me her condition or the progress."

"That only happens in a movie. The doctor will come out when it's done. And you will have to wait until Sam is conscious. Come eat with me, that's an order."

The tall lady speaks with a calm but decisive voice. I shrink my neck a bit and squint hesitantly at the operating room's door, but eventually go with her. Khun Nueng talks to me about many topics to try to get my thoughts off Khun Sam's operation while we kill time. The topic shifts to the decision to have a baby, which caught Khun Nueng's interest.

"Whose will you use? Kirk? Don't name the baby Kirk; I hate it."

Khun Nueng will always have a problem with the name Kirk, though she doesn't have a problem with the man. That got me laughing a bit.

"No kha. Better to use someone we don't know. Don't want to have problems later"

"You guys are such a perfect couple. So in love. Never fought. Never drift apart. Plan to get married and build a family. Such a role model LGBTO couple."

"How about Khun Nueng ka? How's your love life?"

"Ok." She says it with a shy smile. "Having a much younger girlfriend keeps my heart rate accelerated."

"Khun Nueng's love life is also good."

"But we always get into cat fights. Don't know if we will keep going strong like Mon's couple. Sometimes the is a problem. Sometimes I can't help but worry that I will be a burden to her when I'm old and my teeth are falling, but she's at the peak of her beauty."

"Khun Nueng is overthinking."

"Should I get married like Mon and Sam?" Khun Nueng says absentmindedly.

"Let's do it. Three couples together."

"I was just thinking out loud. I want to keep A-Nueng's options open. If one day she realizes that loving someone older makes her unhappy, she can move on to be with someone her age." Khun Nueng laughs and looks at her watch. "Sam is probably out by now; let's go have a look."

I walk after Khun Nueng and think about what she said about her love life while sneaking a peek at her. Maybe she's not so confident about her relationship? Is that why she always has options?

"Khun Nueng is afraid that A-Nueng will change ka?"

"People change every day."

"Wouldn't A-Nueng be devastated if she knew you thought that way? She seems to love you a lot."

"A-Nueng is young. When she loves, she doesn't care about the world. But her mindset will change when she grows up. I'm not devaluing her love, but nothing is certain."

"That's what P Jim also says."

"That's a fact of life. Mon also changes every day, right?"

"But Mon never NOT love Khun Sam"

"That's good. And I believe Sam is the same. Congratulations on getting married."

We reach the operating room at the same time Khun Sam's stretcher is pushed passed us to go to the intensive care unit. We asked the doctor and was told that the operation went well without any problems. Khun Sam will regain her consciousness in two hours or after the effect of the anesthetic is gone and we should be able to visit her then.

I waited for Khun Sam to regain consciousness in front of the room. At the same time, I updated the result of the operation, saying that everything went well, to her "E Yoi gossip" gang. Her friends were relieved and said that they would all come visit together. An hour after that, everyone was there to accompany me, and we chatted to pass the time.

Three hours passed until Khun Sam regained her consciousness. The nurse that Khun Nueng asked to come inform us when Khun Sam wakes up told us that family members can visit Khun Sam two at a time. Khun Nueng and I were the first to go in. Khun Sam was lying on the bed with sleepy eyes, not fully conscious. I look at her with relief and feel so bad that she had to go through pain that my eyes are full of tears. I wanted to hug and kiss her, but I could only stand looking at her.

"Khun Sam, it's Phi."

khun Nueng calls her younger sister, who is still drowsy. I put my hands on the bedside and gave the person who was still drowsy from the anesthetic a smile with teary eyes, feeling so happy that she was safe.

"Khun... Nueng"

"Mon is here too." Khun Nueng pointed at me. Khun Sam rolls her eyes over at me with a look I don't understand. Maybe she's still drowsy, so she gave me an empty look.

"Khun Sam, this is Mon. I'm so happy that Khun Sam is awake."

I put my hand to my mouth. I can't stop my happy tears. Khun Sam turns to look at me, and then Khun Nueng slowly and repetitively before saying something we can't quite make out.

"Wh.."

"What ka?"

"Who?"

"Who are you?"

 

 

 I'm standing in front of the ICU with Khun Nueng and P Tee's couple, biting my nails. All that came back from visiting Khun Sam, two at a time, said the same thing..

"E Sam remembers everyone but Mon... why?"

P Tee looks worried while I now bite my lips until they bruise. I don't know what's happening, but I feel empty inside. Khun Nueng dashes in to consult the doctor who happens to walk this way, but even the doctor is at a loss because the operation went well.

"Maybe this is the effect of the anesthesia. After she recovers from it, her memories will gradually return."

The doctor gave a vague answer, but I'm still worried. P Jim walks over to give me a gentle pat on the back as encouragement when she sees that I'm about to cry. I've been very sensitive all day today, since Khun Sam went into the operating room, came back out after the operation was done, regained her consciousness, and remembered everyone.

Everyone but me....

"Trust the doctor. Mon should go back home to rest and come back after E Moi is in better condition. She will remember you by then."

"Yes. You staying here won't help with anything. You can't stay with her in the ICU anyway. She needs to be under the intensive care of the nurses." P Kate agrees. I could feel my voice trembling with emotion when I replied. I am the one closest to Khun Sam but I'm the only one she can't remember. Something must be wrong.

"I won't be able to sleep if I go back anyway. I'm worried about Khun Sam"

"The doctor said she's not in any danger. How about this, if it's too lonely to be alone, we'll all go sleepover at your place." P Tee suggests, while P Jim nods happily in agreement.

"Good idea. A sleepover would be fun. Let's come back to visit her tomorrow. By then, she will remember Mon. Let's make her house a mess so she makes a big fuss when she goes back. She's so protective of her house, wahaha."

"I can't sleepover. I have an early morning magazine tomorrow." P Kate interrupts regretfully with a long face. But P Jim rolls her eyes like a, looking annoyed.

"Why can't you sleep over? Is the shoot in Japan? As long as it is in Bangkok, you can drive there tomorrow. Don't you want to make a mess of E Moi's house? Can you really stand the urge?"

"I can't! Ok, I'll sleepover. So what if it's a long drive? I will go trash her place, wahaha"

"Wahaha"

"What's with you two? Your friend is lying in bed recovering from surgery, and you still want to mess with her." P Tee shakes her head, then giggles. "I will ransack her closet, wahaha."

"Wahaha"

Phi Phi (Khun Sam's friends) laughed merrily so loudly that the nurse had to warn them not to disturb others. I can't help but laugh at their mischievous plan to shock Khun Sam by trashing her place. When Yuki sees that I feel a bit better, she comforts me by walking over to put her arm around mine and pat me on my shoulder.

"Don't worry. Khun Sam is already awake. If she doesn't remember you today, she will tomorrow. Give her some time. The doctor said the operation went smoothly. Trust that Khun Sam loves Mon and will never change."

"Yeah. Mon is probably just too worried"

"And it's not only Mon that Khun Sam can't remember. Khun Sam said she doesn't know Yuki either"

Hearing that I feel better... slightly. Probably because I no longer feel alone in this. I'm not the only one that Khun Sam can't remember. It's probably the effect of the anesthesia or she hasn't fully recovered.

I hope she can remember me tomorrow.

Or will she?

Nothing is as easy as you would expect. We all, except P Kate who has a photo shoot, come back to visit Khun Sam the next morning and try our best to help her remember, but she still can't. It seems like her memory stopped five years ago, before we met again. So she doesn't remember that I'm her girlfriend.

"Are you playing with us? Is this an act? Don't be like E Kate, she's an actress. But you're E Moi who can't act. And stop making a straight face like you don't care, you dog faced Moi."

P Jim bawls immediately after Khun Sam says she can't remember anything and is very surprised to see Khun Nueng here. It's like the memories of the past five years have disappeared.

"Why would I lie? I really can't remember!"

"Did the doctor take out the smart part of her brain? Why is she so stupid after she woke up?" P Jim continues to complain. P Tee who is calmer, looks at Khun Sam and shakes her head.

"You can't remember anything? What do you remember?"

"I remember that I was working. Then woke up in a hospital with something wrapped around my head. What's most frustrating is that I no longer have any hair left on my head."

"Look at Mon carefully; don't you feel anything? Doesn't she look familiar?"

Khun Sam does as her friend says and looks at me before shaking her head. Her eyes look empty, and that is like having 1,000 knives stabbing at my heart.

"She looks familiar, but I don't know who she is."

"Your WIFE." P Jim emphasizes our status, but that has no impact on Khun Sam.

"What wife? I'm a woman."

"Are you saying that you like men?"

"If not men, then what? I'm born a woman."

"You can only like men just because you're born a woman? Herrr... has your feeling also left you like your memories? Mon, come here." P Jim pulls me close to Khun Sam and forces me to reach my hand over to touch the person in bed. Khun Sam pulls her arm away and moves away from me as soon as my hand touches her. "How was it? Like a spark? You must have felt something."

'I didn't feel anything."

"Then why did you pull your arm away?"

"I don't like being touched by strangers." The word "strangers" made us all go quiet. My tears start to come out, but I try my best not to let them flow. The sweet- faced lady squints at me and chews on her inner cheek. She tries to comfort me after seeing that I seem depressed.

"I don't despise you; I just don't like being touched by strangers."

"Kha."

"But Mon is not a stranger to you. Why do you have to be so mean wa!" P Jim looks like she's about to scream, but P Tee grabs P Jim's blouse and shakes her head to tell P Jim not to.

"She has no memory of it. Her memory will gradually come back. She just recovered from her surgery. This is only the second day. How about this... we'll help trigger your memory. In case you can remember something."

"Sounds good. Tell me. I want to know what happened while I slept and woke up with no memory. What did I miss?" Khun Sam agrees, while P Jim looks like she has dog poop in and is ready to spit it onto her friend's face.

"You slept for two days. Don't act like you slept for five years. I think she's playing with us."

"Let's see how long she can keep up the act."

"When the truth reveals that you are lying to us, I will bump my teeth into your head. What a foolish act. Mon is crying, see?" P pJim walks over and comforts me with a hug. I give P Jim a smile and try to look brave as I reply.

"Let's try to tell Khun Sam everything. If she's not pretending, then I feel bad for her that this is happening."

"But you look very familiar. I think I've seen you before, but I can't remember where." Khun Sam examines me attentively.

"Of course she looks familiar. You have been sleeping in the same bed for five years. And you say you can't remember her? That only happens in a novel"

"E Jim, stop being sacastic."

We gathered as a group to tell Khun Sam what's happened during the five years that Khun Sam's memories are gone. Starting from we met again and fought through all the obstacles to be together, meeting Khun Nueng and her grandma passing away. All that makes Khun Sam stun and look around at her friends and I, not wanting to believe she has forgotten all that.

"Grandma died?" Khun Sam's face went pale. The person she respects the most is no longer here. She wipes away her tears before they fall, not wanting to show her weakness to anyone. "What did grandma die from?"

"Heart attacked"

Khun Nueng answers. The guilt has been eating up. inside her, but she managed to say that out loud.

"Grandma had a heart condition?"

"Yes, she was not well"

"Did she suffer a lot?"

"I don't know."

"Grandma... Sam didn't have a clue." Khun Sam clenched her fist tightly and released it. "Or was grandma angry that Sam was in a relationship with a woman."

"May be...part of it. But grandma let you do what you want because she loves you and didn't want to lose you like she lost Khun Song!"

"Sam is still surprised that Sam is in a relationship with a woman. That shouldn't be possible... Sam was engaged to Kirk. Kirk was ok with that?"

"Do you love Kirk?" P Jim interrupts. Khun Sam replies with silence because, no matter how many years have passed, Khun Sam still thinks of Khun Kirk as just a friend. This has never changed.

"All I thought was that if not Kirk, then I wouldn't marry anyone. Though I would make a good partner to many."

"Like who?" P Tee asks curiously, expecting the answer to be what I wanted to hear like "Mon, of course."

"Prince William"

"...."

"Tiger Woods"

"...."

"A sheikh from somewhere who come pick me up on a camel to go to our wedding ceremony."

"I think the doctor didn't take out her tumor but put in insanity. Geez. In a relationship with a sheikh. Get married on a camel. I can't believe her"

"I'm an M.L.. I would have to be in a relationship with someone of such wealth or high status." Khun Sam looks away quickly, not caring that her friends reject the idea, while her friends just shake their heads.

"This can only come from Sam."

"Phi think." Khun Nueng cuts the conversation short when she sees that my tears are falling. From the conversation, Khun Sam does not remember me at all. "Give Sam some time. She will regain her memories. In the meantime, let Mon take care of Sam closely. The bond doesn't fade away easily like memories. Sam will remember soon."

"What does taking close care involve?"

"Wipe your body clean. Take you to the restroom. Take care of you the way a girlfriend does." P Tee signs at her friend's naive question. "Stay with Mon in the meantime"

"But how can I stay with a stranger." Khun Sam says. Her voice tailed off, feeling guilty. "I'm not used to it."

"Mon is no stranger to Khun Sam kha... Even though Khun Sam doesn't remember anything about us this past five years, but if Khun Sam thinks further back, Khun Sam will remember... Mon is Pah (aunt) 's daughter, the janitor Khun Sam asked to look after Suer (tiger). Remember ka?"

"Ohhh?" Khun Sam examined me closely again. "That's it. No wonder you look so familiar. So you're Pah 's daughter.

"So Mon is no longer a stranger to Khun Sam"

"But."

"No but because none of us is free to take care of you 24 hours a day like Mon, the person who loves and cares about you the most in this world"

Khun Sam doesn't give any responses. She didn't say yes or no. After a while, everyone went back, and now there are only Khun Sam and I left. There is stress in the air. Like two strangers having to spend time together on a faraway deserted island.

"We were really going to get married?"

She breaks the silence and asks. I look her in the eyes and nod to say yes.

"Who proposed?"

"Khun Sam proposed to Mon."

"And how will it come out? You wearing a tuxedo and me dragging a long-tail wedding dress into the chapel? It doesn't sound right."

"We didn't get to that point in our planning. We just gave each other our word that we would get married. And Khun Sam gave Mon this ring." I show her my left ring finger. Khun Sam looks at it briefly and nods.

"I have taste."

"Yes kha. You always have good taste."

"I like listening to you talk." She says that without smiling. It's a compliment, Khun Sam's straight-faced style. It makes me smile a bit. "From now on, have to be with you?"

"Kha" I reply feeling a bit strange. "I'm not used to Khun Sam calling me "you."

"What do normally call you? Let's try again... from now on, I have to be with you, ?"

"erm... not that kha"

"From now on, this has to be with you, jerk?"

"That's even worse kha!" I squeal when I hear "- jerk." Those words shouldn't come out of Khun Sam's mouth. "Khun Sam calls Mon "tua!"

"Yeah. How can someone like me say "-ierk"... so from now on, I have to stay with TUA for a while. Thank you in advance for taking care of me."

"No need kha. I'm happy to do it.

"We're really girlfriends?"

"Kha"

Khun Sam is curious. She goes quiet for a bit and clears .

"We were just talking, getting to know each other? We didn't do anything...

I knew what she was thinking immediately. Curiosity has become a part of Khun Sam, especially for these kinds of things. I just give her an amused smile while I walk over to pull up the blanket and adjust her bed without saying anything.

"Let's take it one step at a time."

"What's with that smile? Why not say anything?"

I bend down until my nose almost touches hers. The sweet-faced lady's eyes widen in panic from my attack. This doesn't normally happen, as she's generally the one who makes the first move. But this time it's different.

"Let's wait until you remember everything. Then we can talk."

 

 

I stayed with Khun Sam for two weeks in the hospital. There is still a thin wall between us, even though she already knows I'm her girlfriend. She still doesn't give me intimacy because she doesn't remember anything about us. I'm not going to be discouraged, it's not her fault for not remembering. I believe that one day her memory will return and we will love each other again.

Now it's time to take her home. She looked confused when we got to the parking lot.

"Where is Miss Duan Pen?"

"You already sold it"

"Did I sell it? No way, I love her very much, Miss Duan Pen is a good car" She acted in disbelief.

I crashed her car that day, and she knows. I felt guilty but didn't dare say it, so I said that the car was old.

"You replaced it because it's old. It was years ago. You replaced it with this one, it's called, My Infinity Stone"

"Beautiful name, suits me well"

When I told her the name of the car, it seemed to be the diaconductima. It's as if she's the one-talked until the car turned and arrived at Khun Sam's house, a compact terraced house. She get out of the car i ran to help her but she touched my arm and then waved her hand as if she was ok.

"They split my head, not my legs. So I can still walk on my own"

"But, if you fall, it will get worse"

"The surgery wound on my head is healing well. Don't worry too much" she took a deep breath "I miss home, I've been in the hospital for so long. But this house looks old, I remember it like I just bought it"

"Maybe it was five years ago when you bought it?"

"Yes, it takes a lot of time to think about memories... Get my stuff out of the car too. A Mhom Luang wouldn't carry his stuff himself"

She ordered and walked into the house arrogantly, I puffed out my cheeks and glared at her in annoyance.

I opened the trunk of the car, took her clothes and belongings and walked into the house. However, I stopped when I saw Khun Sam standing like a statue at the entrance, her eyes widened like she saw a ghost, she slowly looked up. Her expression changed as she looked for something in the house, but found nothing.

"What's wrong, Khun Sam? Why are you standing here?"

"Did we enter the wrong house?"

"Why?"

"Why is there so much pink in this house?"

I can't roll my eyes. Because now Khun Sam's furniture and home decorations, are pink mixed into one with her favorite color. From soft pillows, teddy bears, to blanketsfor us to watch TV together. This is not counting the clothes in the wardrobe, she also mixed up our clothes. If she saw it, she would be shocked.

"Uh... that's mine"

Khun Sam slowly turned her head and looked at me like a robot, her eyes were empty and lifeless but her soul was inside.

"And do you think it looks good in this house, or what? Pink and gray?"

"Back then, you said that it looked good, such a perfect combination"

"What's with the bear? Trying to mix two colors together. It's such a messy color. I think we should call a decorator to decorate the house? It's so messy"

I felt my throat constrict as she rebuked my taste like that, but I tried to hold it in and forced a smile.

"If you don't like it, I'll tidy up the things and put them back where they belong. Your house will be as beautiful as before"

She didn't say anything and went straight into the house, surveying every place. She went to look at the kitchen, the things in the fridge, then went up to the second floor, opened the bedroom door. And she found an expensive pink sheet that she bought herself by hand and said it was bamboo fabric that she slept on soft and comfortable. But that was then, now Khun Sam is seen closing her eyes and raising her hand to her temple. I, who saw that, rushed to help her because I thought she had a headache.

"Does your head hurt? Sit down and rest, will you?"

"No, but I'm about to faint with pink. I have to love someone else and lose myself. How much time is enough to make the house look like this?"

"We love each other, don't we?"

"Yes"

"Sam is crazy. You are crazy with love that you don't see your own taste" The sweet looking person crossed her arms and sighed "It's not your fault if you like pink they just tickle me"

"You should sit down and rest first. I'll tidy up everything. I'll change the sheets and pillows to gray. All items will be returned in the original condition as you wish."

"It doesn't have to be that much. But if you can do that, that's great. Because a Mhom Luang doesn't tidy her own house" She said and walked out of the room sullenly.

I looked into the bedroom before the tears started flowing. But quickly I wipe my tears, it's not her fault, she doesn't remember, that's all. Once she remembered, she would return to her original self.

Just wait a moment, I'll endure it. I've loved her since I was little. Wait a minute, and see what will happen?

It took about two hours to tidy up the house the way Khun Sam wanted. She didn't say much, just watched, her eyes filling with satisfaction as the pink in the house faded away and returned to the gray it had in its original interior design. Everything seemed to be going well, then there was another problem, after taking a shower, while getting ready for bed. Khun Sam looked at me as if she was possessed by a ghost.

"Are you going to sleep in the same bed as me?"

"I can't sleep here?"

"I've never slept with anyone, I'm not used to it"

Then who did she sleep with before? I want to say it like that but I will endure it.

"Then, where do you want me to sleep? On the floor?"

"It doesn't have to be like that. We sleep on the bed" Khun Sam looked left and right, and she saw a bolster then put it in the middle between us.

"Khun Sam, are you afraid that I will do something to you?"

"What can a woman do?"

Previously, I had done many things even as a woman, with her, but, she doesn't remember.

"Okay, it's fine, thanks for not being too mean. At least I'm not sleeping on the floor"

"Look, I have the goodness to support the world. When I die, I will go to the clouds"

She spoke while lying on his back to me. I looked at the bolster with a bitter smile.

We used to sleep cuddled up every day, but today there is a wall filled with cotton to block us so we don't cross the line. All day I forced my smile, but right now, my tears are flowing. I desperately tried to hold back my sobs for fear that the person next to me would find out. I want to beg, I want to inhale and smell her body. I want to tell her that I really miss her. We are very close yet so far.

When I held back my sobs and occasionally sniffed, the bolster between us seemed to move, move away. A humming sound came from behind me before I felt her arms wrap around me and her face tucked into the crook of my neck like she was oblivious.

"Khun..." I wanted to call her name but was afraid she would wake up.

Then I realized that being hugged by her was like a blessing. I never thought that receiving a hug from her would make me happy like this.

"I'm sorry"

She said while still pushing her head on my neck, she's not sleeping! So she knows I'm crying.

"Khun Sam"

"Sorry, but I can't remember anything. That must have hurt you a lot. Now I can only hug to cheer you up and make up for my mistakes. One day I will remember about us. Just don't give up on me"

"....."

"I'll try to remember, I promise"

"Yeah" I cry and turn around to hug her and she hugs me back. It makes me feel so good.

Tonight she hugged me all night. Nothing more and nothing less, it was a hug without guilt.

"It's okay, Khun Sam, I can wait"