In the same place

Waited together every day

In my world

With your warm voice

You told me to dream good dreams now

I don’t wanna fall asleep without you

Ji: Where are you? Can you come?

The message came into my inbox, I checked the time when it was received and realized it was already four hours ago. Should I reply or should I not. It had already hours ago, I did not know whether he still needed me to come or not.

It was passed midnight already; I was still at the company. It was exhausting. All the effort I had been giving for my first mini album. Finally, after years being part of groups. Both Girls Generation and its sub unit with Tiffany and Seohyun, time had finally came. The company gave me an opportunity to release an album with my name, with my own voice, only. Just me alone. I did not expect at how generous our company would be when I asked many requirements for this album.

As it would be for me and my voice only, I demanded a lot of control for it. I wanted songs I preferred. I chose all the songs would be included in the album. I did not want those songs I do not desire to sing. I wanted it to be about me and me only. The songs that match my voice, my personality. Though really, do I even have any specific personality?

Being in this industry made me lose mine. I did not know who I am anymore, really. Who I am, what I want, and how I see myself, how I want to portray myself and my music.

But then he came…

“How was it? Standing alone in the big stage?” I asked him, one morning. After that morning I found myself in his clothes. One of countless mornings we spent in his kitchen island after I woke up finding myself waking up in his bed. Cannot believe, I finally got used to sleep next to the window without a curtain. 

He had his cigarette between his fingers and took a moment to think before answering my question. “Lonely…”

I sighed. Though I knew what he wanted to add. Because even with the members, we still felt that way. He told me hundred times how lonely he felt, right after the concert finished. Concerts with the band, full member group, not his solo concert. 

“You are still not ready yet, for your solo career?” he asked. He read my mind really well. 

I nodded though he cannot see my head moving because we were sitting side by side. 

“You deserve it, Tae.”

I know, I replied in my head. Because of course, I deserved it. I had been singing most part of one song I had with the group. All the OSTs I had been singing always charting. One of them got the award of best soundtrack. People love my voice. Many music experts told that I can deliver the song well. I was not being a big-headed, but I knew well that I have a voice anyone would beg the Lord to have. 

But…

“Show who you really are, Tae. Give them the colour you have been wishing you could show. Sing the song out loud from the lung of yours. Show them how far Taeyeon could carry the music. Be honest with it. Be honest with the desire you have been having to give your best. And everything will be added. No need to worry about what people will say, whether they will love you or not, whether the song will chart high or not. As long as you are being honest about it, it will come to you anyway…”

“It’s not about the chart that I am being worried of...”

He sighed. Because I knew he knew what’s been troubling in my mind.
“I do not know how many times I have to tell you that you deserve it.”

I nodded. “I know. For sure. But…”

“You do not owe anyone but yourself.”

“They will call me selfish. They already did. I even read a comment telling that it took a member to be kicked from the group in order for me to debut solo.”

“Is that true?”

I shook my head.

“Then it does not matter. Why stranger’s opinion matters to you?”