tw: mentions of death

dear joohyun,

it’s me, seungwan. i hope you still remember me or else it would be awkward to explain to you about our history. how are you doing? it’s been a while hasn’t it? has everything been well for you? god, i don’t know how this should go or what i was planning all along. i’m making nonsense right now, am i not?

i know this is long overdue but i’m sorry for how things ended between us. i was immature and blinded by my dreams. we were doing so well, so great and i had to destroy everything we built along the way. people around us used to say we were a force to be reckoned with. i still believe we do, if that makes any sense.

i loathed myself for how i treated you but the worst part? despite all my behaviour, you still wanted me. every bit of my shattered self; the selfish, narcissistic, miserable part of me, you loved me as a whole. and threw that all away for this dream of mine. 

i thought i made the right choice, you know? that you can’t achieve your dreams without some sacrifices and my biggest sacrifice was you. was it all worth it? i don’t know. i finally got on stage, which i've dreamt of all my life but i wasn’t happy. i rarely was honestly. the smiles, the laugh you see on camera and on the screens? they’re all a mask, one that slowly turns into an alter ego of myself. i was seungwan inside, but everyone only saw me as wendy.

no, i’m not trying to justify my actions. i just thought maybe you’d understand that above everything, i was and still am utterly in love with you. even if you’re not, even if you’ve moved on. that if i had another chance at life, i’d choose you joohyun. over and over again.

even if we had a chance at this life, after everything i’ve put you through, i didn’t want you to risk yourself for me. i’m not worth your time and effort anymore. i just thought that if this letter was my last chance at telling you everything, then that’s more than enough for me. i got to apologise to you so that’s a first.

i’m not sure if you ever saw the news of me stepping down from singing, or maybe you avoided any news about me (who knows right), but yeah, i decided to stop for some time. how long? i have no idea. maybe for good i guess. this is something i’ve never told anyone, even the company or our friends for that matter, so i hope you can keep this between us until things settle down. my manager and now you, are the only ones to know about this–i’m actually dying joohyun. 

one day i just had this pain all over my body and the next thing i knew was that i have cancer, a progressive one. the doctors said they can’t do anything about it, except to slow it down by a few weeks, 2-3 months if i’m lucky. but that was what they said earlier this year. i’ve been in and out of the hospital enough to know that i’m a ticking time bomb; i can explode at any moment without any warning signs.

my life is crippling by the seams it seems. get it? the word play i put there? damn, i’m still good aren’t i?

by the time you’re reading this, it’s safe to say that i’m already gone. i hope you won’t stay mad at me for telling this too late or for my past mistakes. that’s something i have held myself accountable for the remaining life i’ve lived. i kept thinking of ways i could make it up to you, even with the time ticking against me. so here’s what i did and please don’t be mad at me (again) or refuse this. at least grant it as my last wish.

i spoke to my lawyer about my place and how much it means to me, so it would be an honour if y