"And by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, wife and wife."

Malakas na palakpakan ang sumunod na narinig as the officiant gave the final blessing. An even louder cheer came next as they waited for them to kiss. And when they did, the whole place roared with more applause.

The newlywed couple faced their guests, raised their entwined hands, and bowed to everyone who attended their wedding.

One person sat at the back and clapped her hands as tears fell from her eyes. She was smiling, happy for the couple, who are her own friends. But those tears are for the years that went by and how she wished it was still her the other girl was holding hands with.

Naniniwala ka ba sa kasabihang nasa huli ang pagsisisi? Kasi ako oo.

It's been years since I let go of the love of my life. Ako yung nangiwan pero ako yung sobrang nasaktan... scratch that... nasasaktan pa din pala hanggang ngayon.

Isa akong malaking tanga, alam ko naman iyon. Araw araw kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na sobrang tanga kong pinakawalan ko siya.

Sino ba tinutukoy ko?

Well, let me tell you a story then. A story of how I, Seulgi Kang, let go of the one and only Irene Bae.

I met Irene when I was a trainee at an entertainment company. One of the big 3 in the country. She joined two years later than I did, and as trainees, we would go through several lessons and stages of monthly evaluations. Hindi ko na maalala ilan kami when we started, but then it came to a point where kaming dalawa na lang ang naiwan sa grupong iyon. That night, after we had to say goodbye to our friends, na hindi nakapasa, patago kaming umakyat sa rooftop ng building and asked ourselves, kung itutuloy pa ba namin ang pagiging trainee. But then we realized, umabot na kami ng ganun katagal, ngayon pa ba kami mag-gi-give up? We both decided na ituloy ang pagiging trainees namin. And that's how we became close and have considered ourselves best friends since then.

We lived together in a dorm provided by the company and relied on each other to complete our tests.We would lead the dance performances, and the teachers would really praise us, dahil hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, pero magaling naman talaga kaming sumayaw.

A few years passed at lumawak ang aming circle of friends sa pagpasok nila Yeri, Wendy, and Joy. The five of us instantly clicked, kahit pa medyo may gap sa ages namin lalo kay Yeri, but we didn't treat her differently. If anything, para kaming naging isang pamilya talaga.

And then our CEO told us about a new girl group they have been planning to debut, and the five of us were to be a part of that group. Kaya lalo naming pinagsikapan ang bawat training na ginawa namin.

The debut happened with the four of us muna because Yeri was still too young, but she later joined us a few months later.

Ever since naging close kami ni Irene, unti unti akong nakaramdam ng kakaibang feeling. Yung tipong pinagpapawisan ako ng malala kahit pa malamig sa training room or dorm namin kahit wala namang kaming activities. And being the clingy person that Irene is, sa tuwing bigla niya akong yayakapin, or yung simpleng hahawak sa akin, ay para bang gusto ng tumalon ng puso ko palabas ng dibdib ko.

Nakakaramdam din ako ng what they call butterflies in my tummy. Akala ko pa nun naeempatsoo lang ako kasi malakas din akong kumaen. Pero habang tumatagal, mas lalo kong nadedefine kung bakit ganun yung nararamdaman ko.

She was assigned the role of leader, dahil siya ang pinakamatanda sa aming lima, and I knew there were a lot of things na kailangan niyang i-handle. Since she was given that responsibility, never ko pa siyang nakitang umiyak or pinanghinaan ng loob kahit alam ko deep inside, nahihirapan na din talaga siya. When I asked her if she was okay, she always said yes. And so I did what I've been doing for the last few years: just be there for her.

Pinilit kong pigilan ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, but, Lord, I'm not one of your strongest soldiers when it comes to Irene.

A year after our debut was when I finally confessed to her. I remember asking for help from Wendy, na ipagluto ang mga paboritong pagkaen ni Irene. Tumulong na din sa pag-decorate si Yeri ng dorm namin, at tinulungan naman ako ni Joy na mamili ng susuotin. Dun pa lang ramdam ko na ang suporta ng mga kaibigan namin kahit ba mag-confess pa lang ako.

May solo schedule kasi si Irene at that time, so sakto talaga na nagkaroon kami ng oras para mag-handa. Our managers already had an idea about what was going to happen, and wala namang silang sinabing masama. If anything, alam kong suportado pa nila ito knowing na ang tagal na din naman naming magkasama ni Irene. Impossible naman daw kasing walang mahuhulog sa aming dalawa.

When she got back to the dorm, Takang taka pa siya kung bakit may decorations sa hallway at pagdating niya sa sala ay may naka-set up na table for two. Nilapitan ko siya, and I held her hand as I guided her sa lamesa. Pinaupo ko muna siya bago ako pumunta sa kabilang side.

May music din na nagpeplay in the background, and kung titignan mo nga naman talaga ay para kaming nasa isang five star restaurant.

"Seulgi, anong meron?" Takang tanong ni Irene. Pero bago pa ako nakasagot ay lumabas ng kusina si Wendy at nag-serve ng pagkaen.

Kita ko kung paanong natakam agad siya sa nakahain. Sunod namang nagpakita si Joy na may hawak na champagne at nilagyan na nga ang nga baso namin.

"Let's eat?" Pag-aya ko sa kanya. Since favorite niya ang mga nakahanda ay hindi na siya umangal pa.

The best talaga si chef dahil kita ko kung paano lumiwanag ang mukha ni Irene sa unang subo pa lang.

When we were done eating, si Yeri naman ang nagpakita na may dala dalang dessert, and since wala na silang gagawin ay napagusapan na lalabas na lang muna silang tatlo to give us some privacy.

Nang matapos na din kaming kumaen ng dessert ay tsaka ko na sinimulan ang balak ko.

"Irene... I don't know how it started, pero matagal ko ng nararamdaman ito. I kept denying it at first, kasi ayokong pa tanggapin sa sarili ko na sa bawat araw na dumaan ay lalo lang itong lumalalim. At natakot ako, natakot ako na baka makasira lang ito sa kung anong meron tayo. Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya pang patagalin pa. Irene... gusto kita. Matagal na. I just wanted a chance kahit gaano kaliit ito, kung papayagan mo kong ligawan kita."

Ilang minuto kaming nagtitigan ni Irene pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon. Kinakabahan ako ng sobra na baka anytime sabihin niyang ayaw niya or for whatever reason she may say.

Pero I was not prepared... well, I was hopeful naman talaga, sa mga sinabi niya.

"You're not the only one hiding some feelings, Seulgi."

Gusto kong tumambling sa tuwa when she said that. I never would have thought that all this time, we were having the same feelings na pareho din naming pilit tinatago. When I hugged her after, ibang iba yung pakiramdam ko. Yung tipong at that moment, kakayanin ko ano mang pagsubok kasi alam kong kasama ko siya. Over the moon, yung pakiramdam talaga.

Hindi naman kami pinagbabawalan ng company namin na makipagrelasyon, pero as much as possible, ay iwasan na magkaroon ng issue or yung magawan ng issue ng Dispatch, which is isang kumpanyang mahilig sa chismis.

Being in the same group and being friends na din for a long time, everytime may skinship between me and Irene ay normal lang sa paningin ng iba. We made sure din na hindi kami magiging PDA lalo na pag may mga schedules kami. Pero hindi pa din maiiwasan na may sweet moments kaming makikita ng mga fans namin, hence kung paano nagsimula ang SeulRene ship.

Our friends were very supportive of us na meron talagang isang weekend sa isang buwan na lumalabas sila para ma-solo namin ang dorm, That's when we really get to be ourselves. Malaya kong nahahawakan ang kamay niya, nayayakap at nahahalikan.

A few years went by, and our relationship got stronger... until we started having major problems.

I was invited na mag-participate sa isang reality show where I have to spend a few days with another idol. Okay naman sana but the thing is, idol ko yung idol na makakasama ko. Trainee pa lang ako sinusubaybayan ko na talaga siya and one of the reasons kung bakit talagang pinag igihan ko ang pag eensayo magsayaw.

So sabihin na natin crush ko si Sunmi pero never kong inamin out loud kahit kanino yun.

Despite the title of the show being "Secret Sister" eh sinabihan na din kami kung sino ang makakasama namin. Wala naman sanang problema kaso I have a girlfriend na sobrang selosa. Nung nalaman din niya ang tungkol dito, hindi niya talaga ako pinansin at mas piniling sumama na lang kina Wendy kahit pa scheduled stay in weekend namin together nun.

Honestly this is the second time na grabe siya magselos over someone. Back when we were trainees, may ibang friends kaming naging kaclose din kaso nauna na silang mag debut. Among that group, naging ka-close ko din talaga si Krystal. Kaso naging busy na siya when they debuted at nung minsan nga lang nagtagpo ang schedules namin eh we went out ng kaming dalawa lang. Pagbalik ko ng dorm, hindi ako pinansin ni Irene and that lasted for three days.

So what more ngayon na girlfriend ko na siya at malalaman niyang makakasama ko ang crush/idol ko for a couple of days and we'd be sleeping together regardless if it's in front of a camera? Aabot na ng isang linggong hindi niya ako papansinin?

Wrong! It took two weeks bago kami nagkaayos ni Irene.

At dahil naging sunod sunod na din ang solo schedules ko na minsan nga ay out of town pa ang venue, hindi na din kami talaga masyadong nagkikita or nagkakasama kahit nasa isang dorm lang kami nakatira.

Kapag may come back naman kami, in between the preparation ay magkakaroon either ako or siya ng schedule.

Kaya din siguro lalong lumayo ang loob niya sa akin dahil hindi man lang daw ako nag-eeffort na magkasama kami. And aminado naman akong naging sobrang focused ako sa mga schedules and what not na nakakalimutan kong mag-message man lang sa kanya. Na kamustahin siya or tanungin kung kumain na ba siya lalo na kung out of town ako when she does that without fail.

Hanggang sa dumating na nga ang chance na makapag usap kami ng maayos at masinsinan.

Mind you, this was already the time when Wendy had the accident sa isang music show and nag-pandemic na din so some of our activities were halted or postponed. Kami lang ang nasa dorm dahil umuwi muna sa kani-kanilang bahay sina Joy at Yeri. Irene didn't really want to go home dahil malapit lang ang dorm namin sa hospital kung saan naka-confine si Wendy and being the leader that she is, she worries too much dahil hindi pa makakauwi from Canada ang parents ni Wendy.

She cooked us some dinner at after namin kumain ay sinimulan na naming pagusapan ang about sa amin.

"Seulgi, I think we both know this isn't working anymore. We barely have time for each other. Kung meron man, parang pilit pa kasi we'd only have a few moments alone. I know hindi rin natin kasalanang we have our own schedules kasi we still have our contracts but... I don't think I can be your girlfriend anymore. So can we just go back to being friends?" malungkot niyang sabi sa akin. And for the first time in a long time, I saw her cry.

Alam kong patong patong na din talaga ang responsibilities niya at ayokong makadagdag pa sa iisipin niya. And so I did, what I thought was best for us that time and agreed.

"I understand Hyun. I'm sorry din sa lahat ng pagkukulang ko. We tried naman di ba?"

Tumango si Irene. "We sure did Seulgi. Ayoko lang din lumala pa ang sitwasyon at masira ng tuluyan kung ano tayo sa isa't isa"

Later that night, as I lay on my bed after niyang umalis at puntahan si Wendy sa hospital, tsaka lang nag-sink in sa akin yung pagpayag kong maghiwalay kami. And how I wished I never did.

The following month, sinabihan kami ng CEO namin na magkakaroon daw kami ng sub unit at kaming dalawa ni Irene ang magkasama. Hindi pa kasi pwede ang group activities dahil nagpapagaling pa si Wendy, si Joy at Yeri naman ay may mga sariling drama na shinoshoot.

Syempre excited ako para dito. I would get to be with Irene ng matagal since kaming dalawa lang naman ang magiging part ng unit. Pero at the back of my mind, naisip ko din na sana inagahan nila ang plano nilang ito para magkaroon pa kami ng more chance na magkasama ng kaming dalawa. Hindi na sana umabot sa puntong maghiwalay kami as girlfriends. But I'll take whatever I could get sa panahon na makakasama ko siya.

We were done recording the songs na kasama sa album and even the choreography. Next in line na ay ang paggawa ng music video. We had a meeting with the director where he told us his vision. Honestly for me it was sensual. Siyempre knowing na Irene and I had done some intimate stuff as well. I worry na baka hindi ako makapagpigil at may magawa akong hindi niya magustuhan.

The day of the shoot came and natulala na lang talaga ako sa suot ni Irene. We were professional, well, I really tried to be at sinunod lang kung ano ang gusto ng direktor. There was a few parts pa na magkadikit kami at parang nakikipag-flirt sa isa't isa. Then there was also a scene where we were asked to lean in as if about to kiss. And my gosh, the self control I had that day was really commendable. Kung hindi pa nagsabi ng cut si direk eh I would have continued on kissing her talaga.

But I know I can't. Not just because it's not part of the script but I no longer had the right to do so. Wala na kami so why would I still kiss her?

The album was a success and we even made another music video for another song sa album. But when all of that was over, we were back to just being friends and co-members ng group.

A few months later, a scandal broke out and it targeted Irene. Buti na lang din na there were a lot of people who defended her but that issue resulted for her to stay low. Alam kong during that time, marami na naman siyang iniisip. Hindi rin nakatulong na may mga ibang tao na gusto siyang tanggalin sa grupo dahil na din hindi kami masyadong active. Na our group would survive even with just four members. But of course, our CEO said we will remain as a five member group.

When Wendy fully recovered a year later, all the artists sa company decided to celebrate one of our senior's anniversary by covering some of her songs. Nakakamiss yung feeling na kumpleto kaming lima pero dun ko napansin ang closeness niya lalo with Wendy. Siguro excited lang din siyang makasama ulit ito after what happened, pero may iba eh. And I hoped na it was nothing more than that. Kahit alam kong wala na akong karapatan dahil hindi ko na siya girlfriend, I can't help but feel hurt sa mga nagiging interactions nila ng best friend ko.
 

Let me tell you about my platonic soul mate naman.

When Wendy joined the company, being the friendly person she is, mabilis kaming naging close lalo pa when we realized na we were born exactly 10 days apart. Kami din ang naging roommates nung lumipat kami sa bagong dorm when we debuted. Kaya sa kanya ko din unang sinabi tungkol sa feelings ko para kay Irene.

She was very supportive from the very start na she even made some pointers kung paano ko gagawin ang confession. She helped with cooking the dinner and even with the playlist ng bgm namin nung gabing umamin ako kay Irene.

Wala namang kakaiba sa mga galawan niya dahil equal ang treatment niya sa iba naming members. Madalas nga lang siguro talaga sila magkasundo ni Irene being the 'parents' of the group dahil maloko naman talaga kaming tatlo nila Yeri at Joy.

Natural sa kanya ang pagiging smooth talker na miski ang mga managers and staff namin ay napapakilig nito kahit ba napaka-simple lang ng sinabi niya. Nagc-cringe naman ang members namin sa tuwing may bibitawan siyang ka-greasihan. Pero deep inside, alam kong tuwang tuwa naman sila lalo na si Joy.

Napa-amin ko kasi ito one time nung sikreto kaming nag-inom sa dorm. May mga sariling schedules sila Irene, Wendy at Yeri at dahil bored na kami ay naisipan naming mag-soju. Two bottles lang ang usapan. Pero wala naman talagang naniniwala sa two bottles na yan.

And during that time, 2 years na kami ni Irene sa relationship namin.

As I've mentioned, platonic soulmate kami ni Wendy. Sa kanya ako unang nagsasabi ng mga hinaing ko, lalo na when it came to Irene. Sa kanya ko unang sinabi ang namumuo kong feelings para sa leader namin, sa kanya ko unang sinasabi pag nagkakaproblema kami nito at dahil may pagka-slow ako pumick up ng signals compared sa bilis kong pumick-up ng dance step or flow ng kanta ay si Wendy naman ang naging tagapagpayo ko. Sa kanya ako natutong manuyo lalo na at talagang may mood swings si Irene. Sa kanya ko din unang sinabi nung ramdam ko ng hindi na nagwowork ang relationship namin ni Irene dahil na nga din sa sunod sunod na individual schedules namin.

Si Wendy naman ay todo bigay ng mga payo at mga ways on how to get your girl. Minsan napapaisip na lang ako kung may experience na ba talaga siya sa ganun kahit alam naming wala.

Come to think of it, tanging yung senior lang namin na si Taeyeon ang binanggit niyang naging crush niya. Pero literal na paghanga lang talaga ito dahil magaling nga kumanta.

She gets flirty with the other members, yes, pero I didn't think any differently.

At mabuting tao si Wendy. Mabait, matalino, magaling magluto, magaling tumugtog ng instruments, magaling kumanta, maalaga at sobrang selfless. Nasa kanya na lahat. Like nung nagpamigay si Lord ng magagandang katangian sa isang tao, nakipagunahan siya sa pila. Opposite nga lang nung sa height na but anyone who gets to be with her in the future would be so lucky.

Wendy had her first solo album a few months later, although naka.hiatus ang grupo, the company thought na this would be a great come back for her after being away for more than a year. Siyempre, alam kong gustung gusto ng mga fans yun kaya lahat kami naka-suporta sa kanya. She even asked me to record a song with her na isasama sa album. Ang title is Best Friend, because that's who we are to each other.

The mv for her title track Like Water was shot in Jeju Island and being the ever supportive members that we are, sumunod kami ni Irene.

Yes, we had some moments together but maybe that's just because of how close we are. May awkward moments lalo na nung first night namin dahil isang bed lang pala yung kasama dun sa ni-rent naming place. I even offered na sa couch na lang matulog pero sabi niya hindi naman daw kailangan. For safety, naglagay na lang kami ng pillow in between. Kahit naman gustung gusto ko siyang yakapin habang natutulog, alam kong hindi ko na pwedeng gawin yun.

We stayed in Jeju hanggang natapos ang 3 day shooting nila Wendy. Sumabay nadin kami pabalik ng Seoul with the crew kaya sila ang magkatabi sa plane habang tinabihan naman ako ng manager namin.

The music video and the album itself was a success gaya ng ineexpect ng CEO namin. Wendy did the promotions at dahil din dun ay naimbitahan siya parang maging dj ng isang radio show.

Civil naman kami ni Irene. Lalo na when we started preparing for our first come back as a group. Excited kaming lahat kaya naman talagang focused kami sa recordings at lalo na sa mga dance practices. Pero dun ko lang nakita ang mas lalong pagiging close nila ni Wendy.

Dahil ngayon na lang din ulit makakasayaw  si Wendy after she recovered, ay super attentive si Irene na kahit unting misstep or wobbled step lang ni Wendy ay pinapatigil niya ang practice just to make sure.

"Can we have a 15 minute break? Baka mabigla kasi si Seungwan" tanong ni Irene sa choreographer namin.

"Sure. No problem"

I went and got some bottled water at nang lalapitan ko na sana si Irene para bigyan ito ay nakita kong may hawak na ito and an extra na inabot naman kay Wendy.

Nilapitan naman ako ni Joy at bumulong. "Sakit noh? Inom na lang tayo mamaya sa apartment mo"

"G" simple kong sagot before looking away.

We continued the dance practice after that break and it went on for a couple more hours. By the time we were done, mabilis na nagpaalam si Joy saying may dadaanan pa kami. One of our managers didn't question us dahil right after we got out of the dance studio ay nagmessage naman kami sa kanya.

Ever since I decided to live on my own, I make sure na laging kumpleto ang stock ko sa apartment at lalo na sa alak. Tipong may smaller ref ako na ang sole purpose ay paglagyan ng wine, beer at soju. Nag-padeliver na lang din kami ng food kaya habang inaantay ito ay nag-freshen up muna ako.

While in the shower, hindi ko na namalayang tumutulo na ang mga luha ko. There wasn't a day na hindi ko naisip ang mga what ifs. At isa na dun ay yung what if hindi ako ganun kadaling pumayag sa kagustuhan ni Irene na maghiwalay na lang kami. Alam kong may kasalanan din ako sa naging desisyon na ito kaya mas lalo akong nagsisisi.

My thoughts were interrupted when Joy knocked on the door saying the food has arrived kaya binilisan ko na lang din tapusin ang pag-shower and went out para magbihis. Paglabas ko ng kwarto ay sinalubong naman ako ni Joy ng yakap.

She knows I needed it and she knows how it feels to regret something when it came to love. First was her feelings for Wendy then there was Sungjae who she started having feelings for as well but sadly didn't also work. So when she found out that we broke up because of time despite being in the same group, and that I just agreed to it made her think that I only did that to make Irene happy. At kita naman nila kung gaano kasaya si Irene lalo na when Wendy came back from her hiatus.

"So anong balak mo?" Tanong ni Joy pagkatapos refillan ang shot glass ko.

Honestly, hindi rin ako sigurado kung anong gusto kong gawin. Andun yung thought na humingi ulit ng chance kay Irene pero naisip kong ayaw ko na magulo pa ang dynamics ng grupo.

"Wala. Wala na din naman akong magagawa eh"

Napailing na lang si Joy. "Then if that's the case, you have to really start the process of moving on. Ilang buwan na din naman"

"Hindi naman kasi madali yun"

"Alam ko. Proven and tested ko na yun noh" sagot niya as she took another shot.

"H...how did you do it?"

"Si Sungjae. Siguro kung hindi ako nakasama sa show na yun at hindi ko nakilala si Sungjae, I would still be hung up on my feelings kay Wendy. I'm not saying naging panakip butas siya ha. I mean, it started that way pero habang tumatagal, hindi ko na naiisip na gusto ko si Wendy dahil may someone na nagiging dahilan na para ngumiti ako ng sobra. And that's when I realized na si Sungjae na yun. Pero I guess it's not in our cards to be together. Isang malaking sayang pero that's what it is. I'm sure there is someone out there for each of us. Hindi man agad agad nating mahahanap pero meron"

"I just can't help but feel ty about it, you know? I haven't talked to Wendy about it pero anyone who has eyes can see na there is something going on between them. I'm not hurt cause it's Wendy. I'm hurt because I know I won't ever be the person Wendy is"

"Masyado mo naman minamaliit ang sarili mo Seulgi. Mas maliit kaysa sayo si Wendy!" Pang-asar ni Joy and that made me smile.

I'm glad na I have a friend like Joy na kahit ba she's younger than me, eh minsan kung hindi sila nangdedemonyo ni Yeri eh parang matanda siyang magsalita at magbigay ng advise.

Joy spent the night sa apartment dahil tinatamad siyang bumalik sa dorm. I sent a message to our manager na lang para hindi siya hahanapin the next day pag sinundo na sila.

A couple more weeks went by and we started our photoshoot for the album. Irene was gorgeous as ever. And I couldn't help but be mesmerized by her beauty. I secretly took some pictures of her and when she saw me, I just told her I was taking pictures of the set. But I knew she could see right through me.

Wendy, being Wendy, was hyper as always and Irene couldn't help but laugh at her antics. And I don't think I've ever made her laugh like that before.

Then we had the shooting for the music video. Irene and I had a couple of shots together and I made the most of it.

Then we started the promotions. And that went by so quickly.
 

A couple of weeks later, I woke up one morning to the sound of my alarm. I knew I had to change it na dahil boses ito ni Irene. A recording she did last anniversary namin as girlfriends and it was her wake up message.

Today would have been our 6th anniversary of being together had I not agreed breaking up. And yung sinabi ni Joy na simulan ko ng mag-move one? Like how? How do I start moving on from someone when I get to see that person everyday dahil sunod sunod na ang group schedules namin? Akala ko when I decided na bumukod sa kanila it would help me. Pero naisip ko na isang katangahan na naman na desisyon yun dahil sa ngayon ay silang dalawa na lang ni Wendy sa dorm cause Yeri and Joy also decided to get their own apartments.

The sound of a notification got my attention so I reached for my phone and saw a message from Wendy. It simply said, can we talk?. At kinabahan ako.

I've been typing and deleting for a few minutes now kaya nasundan ito ng isa pang message from her saying she's outside the door. At mas lalo akong kinabahan.

Ayoko din na pagantayin pa siya ng matagal kaya mabilis akong bumangon, naghilamos at nagayos ng sarili bago ko siya pinagbuksan ng pinto. I was greeted by a smiling Wendy.

"Nagising ba kita? Sorry ah"

"I've been awake for half an hour naman. Ayaw ko lang bumangon pa"

Umupo na siya sa couch while I started making coffee. When it was done, I got two cups and poured some before serving it to her.

She took a sip and placed her cup down and looked at me.

"I think you already know why I'm here Seul"

Panimula niya at lalong lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko. Mali atang kape ang iniinom namin ngayon.

"I don't know how else to say it and before you say anything, she knows I'm here as well"

Of course she knows Wendy. Ayaw na ayaw niyang hindi siya informed sa mga pupuntahan natin.

"Joohyun and I are together now"

And there you go. I knew this day would come but I'm far from ready for it. The truth really does hurt and it . My chest started to tighten at kahit gusto kong hindi na ipagpatuloy ni Wendy ang mga sasabihin niya, part of me also wants to know.

"I just wanted you to be the first person to know. Well, Joohyun too but she had an early schedule and couldn't come with me. Gusto din namin na ikaw ang unang sabihan about us cause we want to let you know and be clear with you na hindi biglaan ang nangyari. I guess, she could explain her side better when she talks to you pero I'm going to be honest with you Seul"

I think I already know kung anong sasabihin ni Wendy. I think I've always known pero ayoko lang tanggapin.

"I've always had feelings for Joohyun. But when you told me about your plans of confessing, I stopped myself from saying anything about it. Man, I couldn't bring myself to even compete with you for her. You've known her longer and you're my best friend. Who am I to get in between that? I accepted the fact that you two are better off together. Every time magsasabi ka sa akin ng problema niyo, genuine lahat ng advises ko kasi ayokong din na nakikitang hindi kayo okay. Never have I ever had a selfish thought to wish na hindi kayo magkaayos ni Hyun. So when we found out that you guys broke up, nasaktan din kami para sa inyo. I wished I was more present that time to help you out but I couldn't. Sa totoo lang, mas inisip ko pa kung kamusta ka kahit si Hyun yun madalas sa ospital nun. I would ask her how you're doing but she couldn't give me an answer kaya thru Joy and Yeri ko na lang nagtatanong"

Kaya pala that time, panay din ang aya sa akin nila Joy at Yeri kapag wala silang schedule sa shoots nila. Aminado naman akong hindi din ako masyadong nakabisita kay Wendy dahil may pinagdadaanan din ako.

"I didn't come here to hurt you in any way. Seul pero hindi pa din maiiwasan yun. I just want to be honest with you cause I know without you even saying it na you still haven't moved on when she already did. I'm sorry if I didn't let my feelings go for her after all this time"

Hindi pa din ako nagsasalita dahil inaabsorb ko ang lahat ng sinasabi niya.

"It happened the day I was finally discharged. Andun din yung parents ko at sumama siya pauwi sa condo and that's when she confessed to me and I to her. We also made it official that day. Siguro if she didn't make the first move, hindi rin ako aamin sa kanya. And we tried to hide it. Pero naisip namin na hindi rin tamang wala kayong alam about it lalo na't magkakaron tayo ng come back as a group"

Hindi ko magawang magalit kay Wendy when she told me paano sila nagkaaminan hanggang sa paano naging sila. We both have the same goal din naman which is to make Irene happy. Something na hindi ko nagawa ng maayos. And something I will always regret until I don't know when.

Siguro narinig ni Lord ang prayer ko na hindi matuloy ang schedule namin that afternoon and so I did what I thought would help me forget and drank. I sent a message to Joy kahit alam kong busy siya to let her know na I'm drinking. I bawled my eyes out as I drank one bottle after another and for the first time, I didn't care what would happen to me next.

I had half a mind to call Irene. I had her number ready at pipindutin ko na lang ang call button pero hindi ko magawa. Dapat masaya akong masaya siya di ba? If Wendy makes her happy, who am I to stand in their way? Pero bakit hindi ko magawang maging okay?

I don't remember how I got to my bed pero when I woke up, despite the pounding in my head, I was clean of any evidence of having alcohol. I was even wearing my favorite pajamas. Then I heard some noise coming from the kitchen and I immediately thought na dumating din si Joy kagabi when I was already out pero hindi marunong magluto yun. I forced myself up at bago ko makuha ang phone ko sa side table ay napansin ko agad ang isang gamot at basong tubig. Ininom ko muna ito and waited for it to take effect bago lumabas ng room. Pero parang sumakit na naman ulit ang ulo ko at lalo ang puso ko when I saw Irene setting the table while Wendy was cooking. Ang domestic lang nilang tignan.

Gusto ko na sana bumalik na lang sa loob ng kwarto at magkulong. Lord, hindi nga kasi ako ang strongest soldier mo.

"Oh you're awake na pala. Are you feeling better?" Tanong ni Irene when she finally saw me. Binaba naman ni Wendy ang hawak niyang ladel at lumapit sa akin para akayin ako papunta sa dining table.

When I sat down, agad naman nila akong hinainan ng pagkain at pati nadin ng kape. And all the while, nakatulala lang ako.

I don't remember if I dialed Irene ba or what pero I still don't understand bakit sila nandito at inaasikaso ako.

"Masakit pa ba ulo mo?" Tanong ni Irene. Hindi ko nga pala nasagot yung una niyang tanong. Umiling na lang ako. Iba kasi ang sumasakit sa akin.

"In case you're wondering, Joy called me last night to check on you" sabi ni Wendy.

Ah kaya naman pala.

"I had practice cancelled as well today cause I'm sure you won't be up for it" sabi naman ni Irene. Ang powerful talaga niya sa mga ganyang requests.

Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam ang dapat kong maramdaman ngayon. I mean, on top of the fact nasasaktan ako. I know naman na they both care for me kaya nandito sila ngayon. And alam ko naman na wala sa intensyon nila ang ipamukha sa akin na sila. Pero for some reason, gusto kong sabihing naiinis ako.

"Thank you. Kaya ko naman na siguro later. You didn't need to cancel the practice"

"We saw how much you drank Seul. You'd need the rest" sabi naman ni Wendy. I looked around my apartment and it was definitely way cleaner than how I do it.

After we had breakfast, since wala naman na kaming schedule later, gusto ko na sana bumalik sa pagkakahilata. Akala ko din aalis na sila after pero si Wendy lang ang nagpaalam na umalis.

Okay naman kami ni Irene when we have group schedules. Naguusap naman kami. Pero not like this anymore. Not when it's just really the two of us. Especially not now na fresh pa sa utak ko ang pag-amin ni Wendy na sila na ni Irene.

But I guess this is inevitable.

I led her to the couch and she sat down on the exact same spot where Wendy sat yesterday where the big reveal happened.

Nakakapanibago na pareho kaming nagkakapaan kung sino unang babasag ng katahimikan. Hindi naman kami ganito dati.

"Seulgi-ah. I know Seungwan already told you about us. And I feel like I owe you an explanation how that happened"

Wala muna akong sinabi and just let her continue.

"It all started during the Level Up project when we were in Thailand. Room mates kami ni Wendy that time right?"

I tried to remember kung kelan namin ginawa ang reality show na yun and when I realized when, nanikip na naman ang dibdib ko. 2017 pa yun.

"On our first night, hindi ako makatulog so I went out by the pool area. I didn't know na gising pa din pala siya nun kaya sumunod siya and even covered me with her sweater. I didn't realize as well na unconsciously ay giniginaw ako sa hangin. That small gesture of her made me feel something and it was weird coz for Seungwan normal lang yung ganun. I didn't want to overthink on every small thing na ginagawa ni Seungwan dahil ayoko din kainin ako ng guilt if binigyan ko talaga ng other meaning un. That would also be unfair to you if I gave those some thoughts"

Gusto ko siyang patigilin na sa pag-eexplain kasi wala na naman din akong magagawa. Pero wala din akong sinabi so she continued.

"Please don't think na I've been unfaithful to you just because I feel some weird feelings sa mga ginagawa niya before cause I love you Seulgi. I still do. But not how I love Seungwan now. The reason we broke up has nothing to do with her as well cause we both know na oras ang kalaban natin before. We became so busy and I'm sorry that I got tired of waiting... for you to have time for us"

Isa sa mga hindi ko kayang makita ay yung umiyak si Joohyun and that's what's she's doing now. And again, I had something to do with it kahit pa tapos na yung nangyaring yun.

"I want you to move on Seulgi. You may think I don't see it pero nakikita kong nasasaktan ka pa din sa break up natin. You'll find someone else deserving of your love"

And that did it. Yung kanina ko pa pinipigilang mga luha ay kumawala na talaga. I should be happy for them. I should be happy for her.

Joohyun left after a while leaving me to succumb to my regrets, yet again. I should have tried harder to make time for us kahit pa sobrang busy ako. I should have tried harder to spend time with her. I should have tried harder na ipaglaban ko ang sarili kong naramdaman. Pero huli na ang lahat. Wala na talaga akong magagawa.

 

Red Velvet became active for a few more years until we all decided to step away from the limelight. Most of us stayed in the company like me, who became a dance teacher for the trainees and new groups that debuted, Joy pursued her acting career while Yeri became a producer. As for Irene and Wendy, they finally announced to the public that they were engaged during our last solo concert and a few weeks later when our contract ended, they migrated to Canada and stayed there for good.

We would catch up from time to time or if our schedules permits us too and they told us na they started their own company there. And just a year of being engaged, we received an invitation to their wedding.

Sabay sabay kaming bumiyahe nila Joy and Yeri along with a few of our idol friends na invited din papuntang Canada.

Taon na ang dumaan pero the pain is still etched in my heart. Irene was my TOTGA and no one can ever replace her in my heart. Kaya naman as much as it pains me to see them getting married, I know a part of me is also happy for them.

Wendy made Irene happy in many ways I never could.

Nakita ko kung paano mag-effort ang best friend ko para kay Irene. Kahit walang okasyon, may surprise date nights and road trips siyang pinaplano for them na paminsan minsan ay kasama kami.

Nakita ko kung gaano ka-attentive si Wendy kay Irene. Isang bagay na mahina ako.

At nakita ko kung paano ipakita at iparamdam ni Wendy kung gaano niya kamahal si Irene.

Siguro nga hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa ni Irene. Na we were only meant to be friends lang. Na sadyang pinagtagpo lang ang mga landas namin when we decided to become trainees to become idols. We were given a few years to become girlfriends pero hindi talaga kami ang tinadhana para sa isa't isa.

And maybe, after all these years, oras na din talaga para kalimutan ko na ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya.