V

Win-Wen's journey to Adventureland

Beautiful Scars

A woman in her early twenties sitting on a grey 2-seater sofa in a cozy room. This is her fourth session but the nervousness is still there. Her right leg keeps on shaking while her eyes wander around the room.

The walls are painted in white. The floor is covered with dark brown carpet. On her left is a 4 tier bookshelf. The second and third shelves are decorated with foliage plants and succulents. There is also a Monstera plant in one corner. She suddenly remembered the same plant that she bought for Ruby Jane.

Her thoughts are interrupted when she hears a soft and calming voice calling her name. She blinked her eyes a few times then smiled at the woman in front of her. Right! I have another counselling session. Winter reminds herself.

“Hello Miss Kim.” Mrs Warren warmly smiled at her.

“Hi Mrs Warren.” Winter smiled in return.

“How are you?” The young lady forced a smile. Am I okay?

“I am okay, Mrs Warren.”

“Winter, please be honest. Remember, I told you to acknowledge your emotions.”

Winter heaves a sigh. A guilt suddenly clouded her heart and mind. She is used to answering okay even though her heart is broken into pieces. She is used to keeping everything in her– hiding her emotions and struggle. Showing and analysing her emotions are not innate in her.

“I’m not okay, Mrs Warren.” A small smile appears on the counsellor’s face.

“I finally moved out of my parent’s house but I feel guilty.” Winter could hear her parents' voices. Telling that she is ungrateful after all the things they’ve done for her.

“Why?”

“They told me that I’m an ungrateful and insolent child.” Winter vision becomes blurry. “They said now that I turned lesbian I became a different person. I am no longer the Winter Kim that they know.”

Winter tries to recollect her memories. How the hell did her oh so perfect life turn into this situation? An unending mess that feels like there is no end. Oh, because of that uneventful day.

In Winter’s twenty-one years of existence, she never imagined that her life would turn upside down. She is on her way to meet her girlfriend. They decided to meet in the latter’s flat to have Netflix and Chill day. As her girlfriend opened the door, she noticed the seriousness on her face.

“Hi babe,” Winter kisses her lips.

Her girlfriend beckons her to sit on the sofa without any words uttered from her lips. Winter finds it odd. This is the first time that her girlfriend doesn’t say anything. Did I do something wrong? As if her girlfriend can read her mind, the woman beside her finally speaks.

“Winter,” She holds Winter’s hand.

“I’m sorry but we need to break up.”

“What? Why?” Confusion is written on Winter’s face. Why did her girlfriend suddenly decide to break up with her?

“I cannot do this anymore. I feel suffocated.”

“What do you mean? What did I do?”

“Everything is wrong, Winter!” Her girlfriend shouted. “I wanted a girlfriend, not a guardian who would keep an eye on me. I always need to report my whereabouts. I feel that I cannot be with my friends.”

“I let you go with them.” Winter tries to defend herself.

“Yes, you do, but you will keep on bombarding me with messages the moment I stop messaging you.”

“Babe,” Winter holds her girlfriend’s hand. “You know I’m doing these things because I love you.”

“Yes, you love me but it is too much. I feel like you are controlling me.” Tears start to flow on Winter’s face. Her girlfriend reaches out to her to hold her cheeks then gently wipe her tears.

“I love you, Win. But I cannot do this anymore.” For the last time, her girlfriend kissed her forehead.

As if that day Winter wins the lottery of unfortunate events, her parents found out about her relationship with her girlfriend– ex-girlfriend.Winter’s parents found out through a family friend that they saw them kissing in a cafe.

For the first time, Winter witnesses the disappointment on her parents face. She thinks that disappointment is an understatement. She could feel that they are against the idea of her liking girls– not being normal like the rest. They cannot accept the fact that their perfect daughter is not perfect at all.

Since that day, Winter’s parents clearly showed they are against her preference. Every single day they made her feel that she was a mistake– through their words and actions. Day by day, Winter’s self-worth is getting smaller and smaller. Until one day, It made her feel small– unworthy.

The break up and her current situation with her parents take a toll on Winter’s well-being. Everyone can see that she lost weight. The bags under her eyes are as big as a golf ball.

Even her performance in school is affected by this whole fiasco.

Winter suffered physically and mentally. That is the reason why she decided to seek help through counselling. At first, she was hesitant because of the misconception about mental health. She grows up in a family where her feelings are brushed off. Her parents only listen about her achievements inside and outside school.

However, Ruby Jane has a different idea. The woman convinces her that there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. It is like going to the GP if you are feeling unwell. The difference is that you are experiencing emotional and mental instability. Luckily, the university offers free counselling for their students.

After her first session with Mrs Warren, a weight has been lifted. The intrusive thoughts are not as loud as they used to be. It feels nice that someone is listening to you without any judgement.

Mrs Warren explained to her that there is nothing wrong with her. The environment she grows up with is the reason why she becomes the person who she is. An overbearing parents could affect you and your relationship to other people. She even praises Winter’s braveness to finally come into terms with herself. The very first step to healing is acknowledging and accepting the problem.

(A.N: Hindi po ako professional. I just based this with my personal experience with a counsellor. Yes, I had counselling. Kaya readers, please take care of your mental health. Wag mahiyang humingi ng tulong sa isang professional. 😊)

“Thank you for listening, Mrs Warren.” The counsellor smiled at her.

“Anytime, Winter.”

“Mrs Warren,” A silly thought pops into Winter's head.

“Is it a good idea to go somewhere far?” The counsellor stops writing her observations about Winter’s progress.

“What do you mean?”

“I wanted to go on a holiday– alone. Like what you said, I should try doing things on my own. I want to have a fresh start.” A small smile appears on the counsellor’s face.

“If it will help you, then go ahead.”

Winter’s emotional and mental health becomes more stable. Thanks to the neverending support from Ruby Jane and Mrs Warren. The idea of going somewhere is still in her head but she set it aside. Kaya pa niya. Kinakaya pa niya. Hanggang umabot sa punto na hindi na niya kiya. 

The last straw. 

“Ano yung ginawa mo, Winter?!” Sigaw ng ina niya pagkapasok nila sa loob ng bahay nila. 

Winter decided not to answer her mother’s question. Ayaw niyang sabayan ang galit ng nanay niya. Pinili na lang niya na gawin ang breathing exercise na itinuro sa kanya ni Mrs Warren. Kalma, Winter. Kalma. Breath in. Breath out. 

“Ano, napipi ka na rin?!” Tuloy na bulway ng ina niya. 

Kahit anong breathing exercise ni Winter ay hindi nagbabago ang kanyang nararamdaman. She feels suffocated. Ang bahay na minsan niyang tinawag na tahanan ay parang unti-unti lumiliit at ikinukulong siya. 

“Alam mo simula ng maging ganyan ka nagbago ka na. Kahihiyaan na ang dinala mo sa pamamahay na ito.” 

Hindi na sumigaw ang nanay niya pero ramdam na ramdam niya ang mga matatalim na salita nito. Ito ang dahilan kaya umalis siya ng bahay nila. They are not seeing eye to eye. Pakiramdam niya ay isa siyang preso na nakakulong sa bahay na ito. She’s about to retaliate when she hears the door open followed by heavy footsteps. Kahit hindi niya tingnan ay alam niyang ama niya ito. 

“Winter,” Isang malalim at malamig na boses na tawag sa kanya ng ama niya. 

“What the hell was that?!” Binalot ng katahimikan ang bahay nila. Tanging ang malalim at galit na boses ng tatay niya ang maririnig. 

Winter tried her best na tumayo ng tuwid. Unti-unti na lumalambot ang kanyang mga tuhod dahil sa takot. Between her parents, sa tatay niya siya pinaka takot. His words and actions send shivers down her spine. 

“Alam mo ba yung kahihiyan na dinala mo?!” Tuluyan ng bumigay ang mga tuhod ni Winter. Napaluhod na lang siya at umuko. Habang nakayuko siya ay kita niya ang paanan ng ama niya. Nakalapit na pala ito.

“Answer me?!” 

Tumingala si Winter but she regretted it immediately. Sinalubong siya ng isang malakas na sampal sa kanyang kaliwang pisngi. Sa lakas ng impact ay napaupo siya. Sinangkal niya ang kanang kamay sa sahig habang ang kaliwang kamay ang nakahawak sa kanyang pisngi na tingin niya ay pulang pula na. She can see the furiousness in her father’s eyes. 

“Ano? Wala kang masabi?!” 

In Winter’s head, she wanted to explain her side pero nangingibabaw ang takot na kanyang nararamdaman. Memories from her childhood flashed in a blink of an eye. Bumalik ang mga panahon na nangyari ang mga bagay na katulad nito. Her father grew up in a household na he was disciplined through corporal punishment. Dahil dito ay lumaki rin si Winter na ganon. 

“You are a disgrace in this family!” Halo-halo na ang sakit na nararamdaman ni Winter. The physical pain from the slap and the pain from her father’s words. 

“Hindi kita pinalaki para maging ganyan ka lang.” Her father looks at her na para bang may nakakahawa siyang sakit. 

After ng nangyari sa bahay nila– the last straw,  Winter finally decided to do her silly idea. Gusto na niyang lumayo. Tumakbo. Iwan ang kwadradong kahon na kanyang kinalalagyan. Mabuti na lang nandiyan si Ruby Jane to support her decision. Agad na nag book ng flight to the Philippines. Little did she know that decision would change her life. 

Here she is. In a TV station for an audition for a movie. She even met two amazing people– Wendy and Seulgi. These two treated her like a family. No questions– no judgement. They welcomed her with open arms. Heck! They take care of her like their little sister.

“Ang tagal naman ng audition ni Wendy.”

Winter went back inside the room to check on her friend. Kilala naman siya ni ate sa may pinto as one of the candidates kaya pinapasok siya ulit. Laking gulat niya ng makita ang eksena sa loob ng kwarto. Lahat sila ay umiiyak habang pinapanood si Wendy.

“Ginawa ko naman ito para kay Renjun– para sa inyo pero bakit pinagkaitan pa rin ako ng panahon.” Kitang kita ni Winter ang mga luha sa mukha ni Wendy. Nagulat din siya sa narinig na pangalan. She read the script at alam niyang walang Renjun na kasama doon.

Patuloy na nanonood si Winter. Hindi niya akalain na ang masayahin na si Wendy Son ay may pighating kinikimkim. When she first met Wendy, she cannot deny the fact that the woman is as bright as the sun. She has this aura that radiates calmness and brightness. Mas lalong tumibay ang impression niya when she founds out her nickname is Baby sun ng Teletubbies.

But seeing Wendy is in this state, ang tanging masasabi lang ni Winter ay ang galing niyang magtago. Suddenly, a realisation hits her. Hindi magaling magtago si Wendy. Hindi lang niya napansin pero kung titingnan mong mabuti ang kanyang mga mata doon mo makikita ang totoo. Wendy looks bright and jolly but her eyes say a thousand words. You can see pain and longing in her eyes.

“Ma, Pa,” Those words unintentionally inflicted pain in Winter. “Nakauwi na ako.”

“Renjun, nakabalik na ako. Bumalik na si ate.” Pakiramdam ni Winter na may matalas na kutsilyo ang tumusok sa puso niya. Ramdam niya ang sakit na nararamdan ng kaibigan. Mas lalong nadurog ang puso niya ng marinig ang mga hikbi ni Wendy.

Pinunasan ni Winter ang mga luha at nagpasya lumabas ng kwarto. Agad niyang tinawagan ang kaibigan na si Ruby Jane. Mabuti na lang mabilis sumagot ang kaibigan niya.

“Hi Win,” Masayang bati ni Ruby Jane.

“Ruby Jane, I realised something.” Winter takes a deep breath. “Each one of us has our own story. Our own battle. Our own battle scar– a beautiful scar.”

Ruby Jane is flabbergasted on what Winter is talking about. Hindi siya sanay sa ganitong usapan. Kilala niya si Winter bilang isang tao na hindi mahilig mag share ng thoughts at totoong nararamdaman niya. A smile formed on her lips. You are slowly growing up, Win. You really made the right decision.

“What do you mean?”

“I am currently on a journey of figuring myself out. I have this inner battle with myself that I’m not the person my parents and other people are telling me. I know their words left a scar on me. Honestly, I used to think that scars are a sign of weakness or a sign of your carelessness due to your stupidity.” The smile on Ruby Jane becomes bigger. She’s happy that Winter’s views about herself are changing. Baby steps, Win.

“Now, those scars are not my weakness but my strength. Actually, I feel thankful because without those scars I will not be the person who I am. I will embrace my flaws– my weaknesses to be the Winter Kim I want to be.”

As if on cue, the song from Ruby Jane’s speaker plays the song Beautiful Scar by Maximillian. Winter can hear her friend singing the song.

I'm not gonna fight back what I've become

Yeah, I've got bruises where I came from

But I wouldn't change if I could restart

I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars

I've been going way too hard on myself

Guess that it's the reason that I'm feeling like hell

But I wouldn't change if I could restart

I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars

Hide these beautiful scars

Hide these beautiful scars

That’s the first step in her journey, accepting who she is. Hindi naman na kasi mababago ang nakaraan pero kaya niyang baguhin ang kinabukasan. Maari siyang magsulat ulit ng panibagong storya ng buhay niya.

Haharapin niya ang bukas with these beautiful scars on her. She will walk this path of uncertainty with grace while showing everyone the new her. Life has given her an opportunity to start fresh– with Ruby Jane and her new found friends that treated her like a family.

The new Winter Kim will never hide these beautiful scars.

____________________________________________________________________________

WELCOME!

Kakagising lang ni Wendy mula sa mahimbing niyang pagtulog. For the past few days ay naging matiwasay at mahimbing na ang kanyang pagtulog. She felt a burden had been lifted. Nakatulong ata yung pag-audition niya eh. Ang mga bagay na kinikimkim niya ay finally nasabi na niya. Her pain and sorrow are finally out of her chest.

With a smile on her face, she opened her door. Laking gulat niya na may bundle of colourful balloons ang sumalubong sa kanya. Kinusot niya ang mga mata para makasigurado na wala siya sa dreamland. Yup, balloons nga. She noticed a card attached sa string ng balloon.

Kinuha niya ito para suriin. Alam na niya na isa na naman ‘to sa mga crazy idea ni Winter. Mukhang may bagong pakulo na naman itong si Winter freaking Kim. Bakit ba hindi nauubusan ng idea ang batang ito?

The design of the paper looks like a ticket to an amusement park. The words WELCOME TO WIN-WEN”S ADVENTURELAND were written in all caps and bold letters. Halata rin naman na ticket ito dahil sa edited photos nila. As usual, Wendy’s face is overlaid sa isang sun, while Winter is edited riding a ferris wheel. Bahagyan natawa si Wendy ng makita niya ang pinsan niyang nakakapit sa labas ng cabin na sinasakyan ni Winter. Hanggang dito ba naman sabit pa rin ang pinsan niya.

Napailing na lang si Wendy. Hindi na siguro siya dapat magulat sa mga out of this world ideas ni Winter. May isa siyang napansin after the audition. Mas naging attentive sa kanya ang kaibigan. She cannot put it into words pero ramdam niya na mas caring ito at para bang sinusubukan niyang pasayahin through her simple gestures and corny jokes.

Hindi tuloy maiwasan ni Wendy ang mapangiti. Actually, madalas mo ng makikita ang ngiti sa kanyang mga labi. Her trademark smile– baby sun Teletubbies smile that could literally light up the whole universe.

Dumiretso si Wendy sa sala. Naabutan niyang magkausap si Winter at Seulgi. Tiningnan niyang mabuti ang outfit ng dalawa. Her friend is wearing a yellow short sleeve polo paired with a brown shorts. May suot din itong yellow cap at merit badge sash, habang ang pinsan niya ay black shirt, black tight leggings, and a multicolored feather jacket.

“Good morning!” Masayang bati ni Winter.

“Anong meron?” Tanong ni Wendy with matching taas kilay na akala mo naman nakaka intimidate.

Hindi siya sinagot ng dalawa. Instead, may pinakita silang outfit. The outfit is white oxford polo shirt, black trousers, and a bow tie. Wendy squinted her eyes at Winter and Seulgi. Ano na naman trip ng mga ‘to?

“We will go on a trip.”

Hindi convince si Wendy sa sagot ng pinsan. Paano niya seseryosohin si Seulgi kung may suot itong makulay na feathery jacket. The colour of her jacket ay blue with yellow, orange, at pink. Mukha tuloy ibon ang pinsan niya. It looks familiar. Suddenly, an idea popped in her head.

Ding.

Finally, Wendy connects the dots. The balloon, the card, Winter’s and Seulgi’s outfit. It all makes sense now. Ano ‘to? Up? Maybe she’s wrong pero mukhang they are re-creating the movie, Up. Based on their outfit, si Winter ay si Russell habang siya naman si Mr. Fredricksen. Si Seulgi naman ay…

“Ikaw si Kevin?” Tinuro niya si Seulgi.

“Yours truly.” Seulgi answered confidently while flaunting her jacket. Feel na feel niya maging si Kevin.

“As far as I remember, bear ka hindi ibon,” Wendy paused. May naalala siyang bigla.

“Although at some point pinangarap mo rin magkaroon ng ibon.” Seryosong sabi ni Wendy.

Nanlaki ang mata ni Seulgi at Winter. Napansin naman ni Wendy ang reaction ng dalawa. Anong meron? Bigla niyang na-realise na ang double meaning pala ng sinabi niya.

“Pet!” Sigaw ni Wendy. Trying to save her face.

“I mean gusto mo dati ng pet na ibon. Hindi parte ng katawan ng tao.” Napa-facepalm si Wendy. There’s no point explaining kasi humahagalpak na sa tawa yung dalawa.

Wendy rolled her eyes. Malakas niyang hinablot ang damit mula sa kanilang dalawa. Padabog siyang naglakad palayo sa mga sugo ng kadiliman. Kahit na malakas ang mga yabag ng kanyang paa ay may ngiti masisilayan mula sa kanyang labi. She cannot deny the warmth that she is feeling. Wendy doesn’t mind being Mr. Fredricksen kung silang dalawa naman si Russell at Kevin.

Now playing: Alapaap

The famous bass solo of the song Alapaap resonated inside the car. Wendy in the passenger seat grabs the bluetooth microphone to start singing the first line of the song.

May isang umaga, na tayo'y magsasama

Haya at halina sa alapaap

O, anong sarap, haa…

She dramatically paused para hintayin yung drumbeat. Habang naghihintay ay nagtinginan sila ni Winter na nakaupo sa likod. Kinuha na rin ni Winter ang isa pang bluetooth microphone para sabayan si Wendy sa carpool karaoke nila. At nagsimula na silang kumanta…

Masdan mo ang aking mata

'Di mo ba nakikita

Ako ngayo'y lumilipad at nasa langit na

Gusto mo bang sumama?

Hindi mo na kailangan ang magtago't mahiya

Hindi mo na kailangan humanap ng iba

Kalimutan lang muna

Ang lahat ng problema

Huminga ka ng malalim at tayo'y lalarga na

Handa na bang gumala

The two pointed their microphone to Seulgi. Dapat may participation din naman ang driver nila para hindi naman halata na sabit lang talaga siya sa trip na ‘to.

Pap-pa-rap... pap-pa-rap-pa..

Pa pa pa pa (papapapa....)

La-la-la... oooh hoo hoo...

Tinuloy nila ang pagkanta but this time si Winter muna. Infairness, hindi halata na laking ibang bansa ito sa linis ng pagkanta niya. Walang bahid ng accent.

Ang daming bawal sa mundo

(Ang daming bawal sa mundo)

Sinasakal nila tayo

(Sinasakal nila tayo)

Buksan ang puso at isipan

(Buksan ang puso at isipan)

Paliparin ang kamalayan

(Paliparin)

Nang matapos si Winter, tinuro naman niya si Wendy na kumanta. Ipinagpatuloy ni Wendy ang pagkanta.

Masdan mo ang aking mata

'Di mo ba nakikita

Ako'y lumilipad at nasa alapaap na

Gusto mo bang sumama ?

Dalang-dala silang lahat sa pagkanta. Winter and Wendy keep on singing while Seulgi is tapping her hands on the steering wheel. Akala mo little drummer boy sa bawat hampas nito.

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang)

Sumama ?

In Wendy’s head, out of this world man ang trip ni Winter but she cannot hide the fact she enjoys every bit of it. Kung aabot man sa punto na tatanungin siya ng kaibigan kung gusto niya sumama sa planetang pinanggalingan niya ay hindi ito magdadalawang isip na sumama. Mapa Mars man o Jupiter ay sasama siya. Basta magdadala siya ng isang bucket ng Chickenjoy para may joy sa trip nila. Labag man sa loob niya ay isasama ang pinsan niya pero dapat sa pakpak ng spaceship ito sasakay.

Nagpatuloy na kumanta silang tatlo hanggang makarating sila sa destination nila. The three alighted from the car. Kung iniisip niyo na suot nila ang custome nila. Well, mali kayo. Hindi pumayag si Wendy na isuot ang UP costumes nila dahil gusto niya magmukhang karespe-respeto sa mga mata ng tao. Tsaka ayaw niya maging sagabal ito para i-enjoy ang rides sa Enchanted Kingdom. Baka maging ibon talaga ang pinsan niya at tumalon mula sa roller coaster.

“We are here!” Masayang sumigaw si Winter.

Amusement park. It is Winter’s level 2 bucket list. Pangarap niya na makapunta sa isang amusement park at sakyan lahat ng extreme rides nila pati na rin itry ang iba pa nilang attractions and games. Hindi kasi ito nagawa ni Winter noon eh. Sa higpit ba naman ng magulang niya ay hindi talaga niya magagawa ito.

“Yes, let’s start our Win-Wen’s Adventureland!” Sigaw naman ni Seulgi.

“Teka, bakit ikaw nagsabi niyan? Kasali ka ba sa Win-Wen’s Adventureland.” Pang-aasar ni Wendy. Sasagot sana si Seulgi sa pambabara ng pinsan ng mapansin nila nawala na si Winter sa tabi nila.

“Nasan si Winter?”

Tumingin ang dalawa sa paligid at nakita nila na nasa entrance na ito. Hindi naman halata na excited na itong pumasok. Natawa na lang ang magpinsan sa ka-cute-an ni Winter. Nagkatinginan silang dalawa. Alam na ni Seulgi. Naiintindihan niya ang nais iparating ni Wendy. I know what you are thinking, Wen. I can feel it too. I can feel na nabuhay ulit si Renjun.

“Tara na.” Yaya ni Seulgi sa pinsan.

“Baka mawala pa si Winter pag nag bagal tayo.” Ngumiti si Wendy at naglakad papalapit kay Winter.

Pinagmasdan ni Seulgi ang figure ng pinsan niya na palayo sa kanya. She cannot deny the changes in her cousin. Kitang kita ito sa mga mata niya. Her dimmed eyes are getting brighter. Para bang may kung ano na lang nag spark sa puso ng pinsan niya that made her eyes to shine brighter. Pakiramdam niya ay unti-unti na bumabalik ang dating Wendy. Isang sigaw ang nakaagaw ng attensyon niya.

“Seulgi!” Sigaw ni Winter na akala mo nakalunok ng megaphone sa lakas ng boses.

 <