Dara could not sleep that night. She tossed and turned and tossed and turned but sleep did not come to her. Her mind could not stop replaying the moments of her confession, and Jiwon's cold reaction to it.

Let's not talk about it, he had said, with eyes that were almost pleading with her.

And so she didn't bring it up again. Not that there was much chance for them to talk anyway. During the last filming for Stage K, she barely saw him except for when they had to sit on the judges seats together for filming. During lunch break, he disappeared quicker than Dara could ask him to eat lunch together. After lunch, Dara returned to set earlier, in hopes that she could catch him before the filming started, but he appeared only as the crew began filling it, making it awkward for her to begin chatting with him anyway.

Dara could only sit in her judge seat silently, her eyes trained on the performances, but her mind thinking about the man next to her. There was an ache in her chest every time she glanced his way. She missed him, she realized, which was strange because he was right there next to her. But she missed his jokes that would never fail to make her laugh, she missed his nagging so that she would eat more during their lunch together, she missed his low voice talking to her so gently, she missed his giggly laughter that would shake his entire body, she missed his cute smiles, with the bunny teeth just peeking out, she missed his hand on her back when he wanted to guide her somewhere. She missed him so much that she could barely look at him, lest she burst to tears to do something equally mortifying.

She already inconvenienced him enough, with her public confession that no doubt embarrassed him. Surely, Jiwon must thought that he wanted to just get this shooting done and over with so that he would not have to deal with Dara anymore.

She should just leave him alone, shouldn't she? But her heart ached at the thought. People might think that this was only an innocent fangirl crush, but Dara knew herself. She knew that her feelings for him ran deeper than that. This was their last shoot together for Stage K, and she didn’t know when was the next time she could see him again. No matter how hard she would try to forget him, she would end up still missing him, terribly.

Just after the director yelled cut and announced the end of the shoot for the last time, Jiwon immediately turned around and walked back to the dressing room. That was the last sight of him that Dara had. But still, she tried her best to commit it to her memory, his broad shoulder, his back retreating further and further away from her.

After that, Dara quickly said her goodbyes and excused herself to the other cast and crews. One of the writers raised her eyebrow as Dara was leaving.

“Eonni? You're not coming to the dinner?”

Dara almost forgot about that. The cast and crew had booked a Korean barbeque restaurant nearby to celebrate the end of the show. “I'm too exhausted, I think. I'll just go home and lie in my bed.”

And cry, Dara thought.

The writers all frowned in concern. There was a chorus of, “Rest well, Eonni!”, “Take care!”, and “Good job!”

Dara thanked the staffs another time and went downstairs to the parking lot, where her car and manager were waiting for her. She held it in as her manager drove her home. She held it in as she stood in the elevator of her apartment building with three other people. She held it in as she keyed in the passcode to her room. She held it in until the door closed behind her with a click, then she let the dam burst.

---

“Damn it!” Jiwon cursed at the computer screen. There were two words printed in bold in the middle of the screen, “Game Over”. Frustrated, Jiwon stood up from his computer desk and began pacing around the room to let off his steam. He didn’t know what had gotten into him, but he had been quite unfocused lately. He had been losing far more often than usual in his games. He had caught himself spacing out while filming variety shows. It felt like his brain was too slow to fire off jokes as quickly as usual. He had also stared at the wall blankly during recording, which resulted in Suwon commenting that he truly was becoming an old, lonely grandpa which was followed a round of laughters from the other members, which was finally followed by Jiwon threatening to kill them.

He couldn’t think, really. His brain was a whirlwind only capable to output static noises. More like, he couldn’t think of anything else, other than that one thing.

More accurately, one woman. Sandara Park.

Jiwon was content to bury whatever butterflies fluttering in his stomach and die before she could find out about it. There was no point in pursuing it, he had thought. There was no way, absolutely no way she would feel the same.

And then she had gone on national TV and announced to the entire country that she had liked him. For years. For 22 years, to be exact. Ever since he had debuted.

Ever since then, there was no peace in his life. How the hell was he supposed to react to that? He did his best to play it cool in front of the camera as his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest, to protect her image as well. Maybe she was just saying it for the sake of the camera. But why would she pick him, of all people to be the object of her affection? There were so many other males in her vicinity who were younger, more handsome, more popular, not divorced, with whom this fake loveline would have been more beneficial. So why him? Jiwon couldn't make sense of it all.

And so Jiwon did what he would do when he was confused or scared about something. He ran away. He avoided her like the plague during their last filming together for Stage K, in case they had to talk about it. What was he supposed to say? Should he ask her about whether she had meant it? But if she hadn't, then that would make him seem like a desperate, lonely old man. But if she had…

No, he told himself. There was no way.

But during filming, he noticed her glancing his way a few times when he purposely ignored her and looking a bit … forlorn about it. The sight of it sent a wave of guilt and distress to Jiwon. He had wanted to talk with her and maybe explain himself during the celebratory dinner. But Dara wasn't there. She had gone home.

She had haunted his mind ever since. His brain would not stop replaying all the different scenes, and wondering whether he had made a mistake.

Jiwon’s phone rang, breaking the silence of his computer room. He glanced at the caller ID: “Song Minho”

He pressed the answer all button. “Hyung!” Minho’s cheery voice said, followed by two other voices also calling him “Hyung!”

Jiwon grinned. It must be Seungyoon and Seunghoon. “What’s up, boys?”

“Hyung, what are you doing right now?”

Jiwon glanced at his gaming PC, still running. “Games.”

There was some laughter in the background, with Seunghoon’s voice mumbling, “Yeoksi, our Jiwon Hyung.”

Minho continued, “We’re gonna eat dinner at this barbecue restaurant! You wanna join?”

Jiwon turned to the screen, the “Game Over” text was still there, as if it was mocking him. Over, like whatever the heck this thing going on between him and Dara was.

From the phone, Minho’s voice came out, “Hyung? You there?”

Jiwon sighed. He really did not want to do this anymore. To think. About her.

He answered. “Yeah. I’m coming. Give me some time to pack my stuffs and turn off my PC.”

The boys cheered down the line. Jiwon pressed the shut down button on his computer. The screen went black, and the “Game Over” text finally disappeared.

---

Jiwon arrived to the restaurant to see the three boys, Seungyoon, Seunghoon and Mino already seated on a table.

“Jiwon Hyung!” They called him excitedly. Jiwon grinned and walked over to them. He had always enjoyed hanging out with them. They were more his cute little brothers than justuniors now. He gave them all affectionate pats in their heads.

“Jinwoo’s not here?” Jiwon asked.

Seungyoon shook his head. “He's having dinner with Dara-noona.”

Jiwon tried his best to keep a neutral expression as he answered, “I see.” She truly was haunting him or something.

They were about to start ordering when the restaurant door swung open, and in came Jinwoo. He stood and looked around for a while, searching for them. Seunghoon, who was the tallest pole out of the four poles that were the Winner members, waved his arm above his head to catch Jinwoo’s attention and directing it to them. Jinwoo came to their table, and asked the waiter for an extra seat for him.

Jiwon raised his eyebrow at the new arrival. “Jinwoo, Seungyoon said you're not coming.”

Seungyoon said, “Yeah, didn't you say you have a dinner appointment?”

“Dara-noona cancelled it.” Jinwoo explained. “She said she felt a bit unwell.”

Jiwon frowned. Dara was sick? She seemed fine yesterday during the Stage-K filming. Suddenly, Jiwon felt like kicking himself. How could he not notice it? He didn't even know what she had for lunch because he had run away and eaten with Joon Hyung instead. What if she ate too little on that day? Was she okay? Was she alone in her house? Was there anyone taking care of her?

“Jiwon hyung? Jiwon hyung!” Seunghoon’s loud voice shook Jiwon from his racing thoughts. “Hyung! Where were you just now? You weren't listening to us!”

Jiwon shook his head to clear his thoughts. He looked up to see four worried faces looking at him closely.

Mino asked, “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine.” Jiwon said.

Seunghoon nodded. “Great. Then what are you ordering, Hyung?”

Jiwon could barely think about the list of food in the menu in front of him. There were still a million questions in Jiwon's head. Did she have some food now? Has she eaten her dinner yet? Did she need any medicine?

“Jiwon-hyung,” Jinwoo called him.

Jiwon met his gaze and Jinwoo’s eyes were knowing. The kid must have had connected the dots between Jiwon's distraction now and his drunken ramblings a week ago. Jiwon wasn't sure whether he should be impressed or annoyed that Jinwoo managed to figure him out.

Jinwoo said, “Hyung, do you need to go somewhere?”

There were a million warning signs his brain was giving to him, and yet his heart was clear on its position and stubbornly clinging to it. His heart’s voice was loud and clear. She is sick. I need to help her.

He had tried so hard to hold himself back. Maybe this time he should follow his heart instead.

“Jinwoo’s right. I should go. I'll just order some takeouts.” Jiwon said. “I'm very sorry, boys. Next time, okay?”

Jiwon motioned to the waiter and ordered for a takeout portion of jjampong and jjajangmyeon. The other three boys seemed a bit confused, but they nodded and said they could grab dinner together at some other time. After his order had arrived, Jiwon took the plastic bags with the steaming food inside back to his car. After he started the car, he checked his phone, and found two messages from Jinwoo. The first was an address of an apartment building in Apgujeong. The second message said, “Don't worry, Hyung. I'm a good secret keeper.”

---

Dara had been feeling a bit unwell the next day after Stage K ended. She cried until her eyes were swollen. Then, she quickly fell asleep afterwards, exhausted, and woke up late the next day. From when she woke up, there was an incessant tickle in that made her uncomfortable and a throbbing in her head that grew more and more painful as time passed. Luckily, she had no schedule for the day and could just rest to her heart’s content. She only had to reschedule her dinner appointment with Jinwoo. Jinwoo had agreed readily to her suggestion upon hearing Dara’s rough coughing through their phone call. Jinwoo told her to rest well and get healthy first, then they could meet whenever they want.

Dara glanced at the clock, it was almost eight P.M. Her stomach was growling, begging to be fed, especially after Dara ate so little that afternoon. However, Dara was too tired to cook some ramyeon or order some food delivery. She could just sleep it off, she thought.

Dara took the cough medicine she had in her cabinet. After a while, she felt its drowsy effect. She laid down on her bed, with her phone beside her.

Just when she was about to fall asleep, her phone rang, startling her. Dara was so delirious that she just pressed the answer call button without looking at the caller ID.

“Yeoboseyo?” Dara managed to croak out.

A low and husky voice answered. “Dara-ya?

As tired as Dara was, there was no way she could not recognize the voice she had been listening to for over twenty years. “Jiwon oppa?”

“Yeah, it's me. I have some food for you. I'm at the basement of your apartment. Can you let me inside?”

Dara was so taken aback she could only stutter out, “N-ne?”

“Okay, let me ask the security guard instead.” There were some muffled steps from the phone as Jiwon walked somewhere. Then the steps stopped and Dara could hear Jiwon's voice talking to another man.

“Sandara Park-ssi, this is the security guard.” Another male voice said. “Should I let this man in?”

Dara answered, “Yes, please let him in.”

“Will do, ma’am.”

There were more noise as the phone was being moved, then Jiwon's voice appeared again, “I'll be there soon. See you.”

The call ended, and Dara sprang up her bed in panic. She took a look at the vanity mirror beside her bed and assessed her situation. She was in pajamas, she was not wearing any makeup, her hair was all tangled up from lying down on the bed, and there was snot running down her nose. How could she show herself to Jiwon like this?

She considered going to her makeup cabinet and using some foundation and blush to add color to her cheeks, but before she could execute her plan, the bell had rung.

“What should I do?” Dara said out loud, startling the cat sleeping next to her bed. “What should I do?”

The bell rang again. Dara went to the intercom and checked it, Jiwon was standing in front of her door. She pressed the open door button.

The front door opened, and Jiwon stepped in, wearing his trademark hoodie and baseball cap. “Dara-ya?”

She braced herself. “Oppa, annyeong.”

She must have looked like a mess. But when he saw her, a small smile still bloomed in his face. He answered, “Annyeong.”

This must be a dream, she thought. The cough medicine she took must have made her fall asleep as she lied down on her bed and in her mind, she had conjured up Jiwon-oppa who wZ standing right here inside her apartment.

Jiwon walked towards her. As he got close, the smile dropped into a frown. “You look pale.” He said. “Are you feeling well?”

Being this close to him, she could smell his sandalwood cologne. He carefully put his hand on her forehead to check her temperature. “You’re burning up,” he said, “Do you have medicine? Have you eaten yet?”

She could only muster enough strength to shake her head. The frown on Jiwon’s face grew deeper. “You should eat first. I brought jjampong.”

Jiwon pulled out the take-away jjampong from the plastic bag and placed it at the living room table. He opened the lid and the spicy smell of jjampong filled the air. Dara could feel her stomach grumbling. Jiwon also prepared all the utensils and placed them carefully beside the jjampong. He pulled out the dining chair for her. “Can you eat? Do you need help?”

“I can eat.” Dara sat down on the dining chair. “Oppa, thank you for the food.”

Jiwon smiled. “You're welcome. Let me grab you some water.”

Dara began to enjoy the steaming bowl of jjampong. Every time she needed something, Jiwon would get up and fetch it for her. He also asked where the cat food was and fed her cats. She watched him as he crouched down and gave every single one of her seven cats their dinner as he introduced himself to them. The sight of it warmed Dara's heart and brought a smile to her face. Jiwon’s wide smile with the cute bunny teeth did not leave his face as he played with the cats. The cats all adored him, and before long, they were rubbing their heads against him, asking for pets.

She used to think that Eun Jiwon was the cutest when he's laughing with his bunny teeth showing, but now she might have to revise that. He was so cute and gentle with pets, and Dara wondered how much gentler he would be with children and babies.

“Oppa, you'll be a very good father.” she said.

Jiwon’s hand paused from petting her cat, Dadoong. “I doubt that.”

“I'm sure you would be. You'll be very gentle with children, and you'll play so well with them.” Dara said. She could picture it in her head, Jiwon laughing happily while playing with a small child.

Dadoong noticed Jiwon had stopped petting him and the cat gently bumped his head to Jiwon's hand. Jiwon went back to Dadoong’s head and the cat purred contentedly. “Thank you.” Jiwon said softly. His eyes seemed moist and he blinked several times.

Jiwon asked, “Are you done with your food? Let me clean it up for you.” He took the takeout containers to throw them out and wiped the dining table.

Then he handed Dara a packet of medicine and a glass of water. “I bought some fever medications.”

Dara took the pill obediently and swallowed it with water.

Jiwon smiled when she ate the medicine, and patted her head gently, “Good. Rest well, so that you'll get better soon.”

This really must be a dream because Dara never thought that Jiwon would do all this to her. She stared hard at her dream-Jiwon-oppa’s face.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, noticing her gaze on him. “Do you need anything?”

Maybe it was the courage she had knowing this was just a dream that made her say, “Why are you doing this?”

It was his turn to look back at her, stunned.

Dara kept on going, “I like you. You know that, right?”

Jiwon’s confused face morphed into understanding, with a hint of sadness in his eyes. “No, don’t worry about it,” he said, “I knew that you didn’t mean it that way. You only like me as a fan.”

Dara frowned at him. “That’s not what I mean at all.”

Jiwon stared at her. She took a step towards him. She was now close enough to him that she could see the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the slight flush on his cheeks, smell the sandalwood in the air.

“I like you not only as the Sechskies leader Eun Jiwon. I like you,” she said, grabbing a fistful of his jacket in front of her. “As a man.”

She could hear Jiwon’s breath hitch.

“I told you this, then you just, run away.“ Dara continued, feeling tears beginning to prick her eyes. She gripped his jacket tighter. “You won’t eat with me. You won’t talk to me. You won’t even look at me.”

Jiwon whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Dara felt all her sadness and anger rise and pour out of her like a dam. “If you don’t like me back, just say it. Why do you keep doing these things? Are you trying to play with my feelings?”

For a moment, he only stared at her with a surprised look on his face.

“I’m not.” he finally answered. “I’m not playing with your feelings. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you, with my actions.”

Dara sighed, “There you go again. Saying all these sweet words and doing all these sweet things but the next moment, you’ve turned around and disappeared.”

Her eyes were now blurry as they filled with tears. She let out a choked sob, and felt two strong arms enveloping her in a hug. The smell of wood filled her nostrils as she felt a hand tucking her head against his chest and the other one rubbing on her back soothingly. “Don’t cry,” he whispered so close to her ear that she could feel his warm breath on her hair.

Dara’s heart thundered in her chest. As she pressed her ears tighter against his chest, she could hear his heartbeat, thumping fast and loud. “Don’t cry,” he whispered again, “I’m sorry.”

He waited until her sobs had calmed down to let her go. When he saw her crying face, he wiped away the tears tracks with his thumb, caressing her face softly.

This must be a dream, Dara thought, or maybe she had said it out loud, isn’t it?

Jiwon chuckled. “I see,” he muttered to himself.

Then, she might as well ask him. Since it’s a dream, anyway. “Oppa, do you like me?”

There was the ghost of a smile playing on his lip. “Ask me tomorrow,” he answered, patting her head gently. “You won’t remember my answer anyway. Ask me tomorrow.”

“Go to sleep first,” he said, putting his hand on the small of her back to usher her to her bedroom. “Ask me tomorrow.”

After opening her bedroom door, he stepped aside. The hand on Dara's back pushed her forward to enter the room.

Dara stopped and turned to him. “You're not coming?”

Jiwon glanced inside the room, then quickly averted his eyes. “I don't think I should.”

It was a dream anyway, Dara thought. She could do everything she actually wanted to do. She grabbed his right hand and pulled him inside. “Stay?”

He stared at their connected hands for moment, then at her, and then he nodded, a slight blush rising in his cheeks. His grip on her hand became tighter.

He led her to bed, using his free hand to fluff her pillows and arranged them. Then he pulled the blanket over her after she had lied down on bed. Throughout all this, his right hand continued to hold hers.

Dara brought their linked hands to her chest. “Maybe I should drink cough syrups more often,” she murmured. “This is a very nice dream. I don't want to wake up from it.”

“Me neither.” Jiwon said, smiling at her with a hint of sadness in his eyes. They stayed like that in the silence, his hand holding hers on top of her beating heart, until her eyelids began to shut and sleep took over her.

---

Dara woke up the next morning in her bed feeling much better than the night before. Her head no longer felt like splitting and no longer hurt as much.

She had a very nice dream. In her dream, Jiwon-oppa came over and took very good care of her so gently. While thinking about it made her feel warm, she also felt an ache in her chest as she realized it was merely a dream. Dara sighed deeply. She should forget about him. Jiwon didn't feel the same way as she did.

A voice echoed in her head, Ask me tomorrow.

Ask what? Dara wondered, but she couldn't remember anything much from last night. It was a blur to her. She really needed to pull herself together. Maybe a few more hours of sleep would help. She pulled the blanket over her and closed her eyes again, drifting to dreamland.

---

(A/N: Come scream at me in frustration. I deserve it. Also, this monster of a chapter truly spun out of my control and it took a long time for me to edit and cut things down, and I still ended up with 4k words anyway.)

 

Next time:

Jiwon waited for a sign. Dara decided to stop pursuing him, but Jinwoo came with some unexpected information. But would Dara dare to try again?