“Great job today, everyone!” The PD shouted, signaling the end of another filming of Stage-K. As today was the penultimate episode, there was only 1 more week of Stage-K, before the show would end its first season.

Jiwon had been a veteran in the industry, having filmed over dozens of variety shows over the years. Having a show that was about to end was something akin to a familiar feeling for him. But he’d be lying if he said that Stage K ending was not affecting him more than usual. Even if it was only the penultimate episode, he was already filled with the need to get some alcohol in system so that he could forget about it. Deep down, he knew the particular reason why, but it was not really something he wanted to think about while sober.

He took out his handphone from his pocket and texted someone. “You up for drinks tonight? My place?”

Moments later, a reply came in. “Yeah, sure! See you, Hyung.”

The doorbell rang. “Jiwon-hyung!”

“Jinwoo-ya!” Jiwon said cheerily as he opened the door for his dongsaeng. Jinwoo had quickly become Jiwon’s favorite drinking buddies. His other drinking buddies all had their own business now. Heejun had his family to take care of. Suwon had recently begun to refuse his drinking invitations more often, citing that he’s becoming too old to carry Jiwon back after he became blackout drunk (although Jiwon suspected there was another reason, but he chose not to pry). So Jiwon figured that he should ask his hoobae at the company to drink with him instead, and none was more willing than Winner’s eldest, who had a fondness of alcohol as well.

Jinwoo saw the unopened beer cans and soju bottles on the living room table and laughed. “Hyung! You’re really planning on getting hammered today.”

“I have no schedule tomorrow. You better clear up yours first, Jinwoo-ya.”

“It’s fine, Hyung. As long as I get at least three hours of sleep tonight, I’ll be fine. My schedule is at night.”

Jiwon couldn’t help but be jealous at his younger drinking buddy. “I used to be able to do that too, fifteen years ago.”

“Aw, come on, Hyung. You’re still young!” Jinwoo said.

Jiwon grinned at Jinwoo’s words. If it had been Suwon in that position, Jiwon would definitely receive some annoying words that would perhaps result in him threatening Suwon with bodily harm, but thankfully, Jinwoo was more mature than Jiwon’s 39-year-old maknae.

“Is there a reason for you to drink this much today, Hyung? There must be,” Jinwoo eyed Jiwon with a glint in his eyes, “Look at all the alcohol.”

“Ah I know!” Jinwoo said, dramatically clapping his hands in satisfaction, “It must be a woman!”

Jiwon wanted to take it back. Jinwoo was not a less annoying drinking buddy than Suwon.

“Shut up and drink, Jinwoo-ya.” Jiwon said. Jinwoo laughed, clicking his glass with Jiwon.

Gradually, the beer cans and soju bottles became more and more empty as more alcohol was downed between the two men. Jiwon relished the burn of alcohol down his throat that distracted him from the mess in his head.

Jinwoo said, “Hyung, you can tell me anything, you know that, right? I’m a very good secret-keeper.”

Maybe it was his tongue loosening, maybe it was the liquid courage, maybe it was the fact that these feelings had been pushed down for so long that it was bursting at the seams, but Jiwon found himself muttering, “Have you ever liked someone so much that you feel that it’s wrong?”

Jinwoo paused, “What do you mean, Hyung?”

Jiwon sighed deeply. “I am not a great guy. She deserves way better than me. I’m not ready for relationships anyway. I don’t want to lead her on. I try my best to be careful around her.”

Jiwon took another shot of his drink. The burn down his throat gave a kick to his system. For a moment, his head became clearer. The words fell out of his mouth even faster. “But I’m too weak. I’m too greedy sometimes. It slips out of me. When I see her for filming, I can’t help but glance at her for too long, I can’t help but be extra nice to her so that she’ll give me a smile, I can’t help but look for any excuse so that I can spend time in her presence.”

Jinwoo stared at him without a word, listening closely.

“I told myself that I should be happy with the ten to fifteen minutes that I steal every week. But today, I realized that I’ll have only one more of those. So it’s 10 to 15 minutes next week, maybe? And then it’ll be gone forever.” Jiwon poured himself another glass of beer and stared at it hard, “And now I’m drowning my sorrows.”

“I’m ed, aren’t I, Jinwoo-ya?”

“But hyung, you’re not considering something, though.” Jinwoo said.

“What?”

“Does she like you?”

Jiwon scoffed. “There's no way.”

“Why not?”

“Because she's D-” he paused, reigning in his tongue for a moment to not say her name. “Because she's way out of my league.”

“Well, we don't choose who we love. And besides, it's not like people who are in love are known for being reasonable.” Jinwoo shrugged and took another sip of his drink. “What are you going to do, Hyung?”

“Nothing. Obviously.”

Jinwoo raised his eyebrow, “What do you mean nothing? So you’re just going to bury your feelings with you and never tell her about it?”

“Correct!” Jiwon yelled out, like he’s Na Youngseok PD accepting a correct answer from the New Journey to the West cast. He patted Jinwoo’s head, “Our Jinwoo is so smart.”

“But Hyung, what if this was actually your chance? What if you’ll be missing out on something great if you let her pass you by? What if she likes you back? If she likes you back, you could pursue her.”

Jiwon tried to think on whether there was the slightest chance that Dara could like him back. She was almost always smiling to his direction whenever they met (But Dara always smiled at everyone). She laughed at his jokes, even the corny ones that he thought that no one would laugh at (But maybe she just had a similar sense of humor as his). She also preferred to spend her break time with him rather than anyone else. (But that was probably because he was the only one from the same label as hers and she was trying to take care of him).

Jiwon wished that he could be as hopeful as Jinwoo about the situation. He was like that once. Young and in love. He had once had a love so intense, that it was like a blaze of wildfire that ravaged everything in its path, leaving ashes at its wake. It burned so bright, but flickered off so soon. So who could blame him for being a bit jaded about it all ? He had witnessed what he thought of as the love of his life burned itself until he was left clutching at nothing but cinders.

Jiwon didn’t know what he would do if he were to go through that a second time. He didn’t even have any idea how he crawled out off that hole the first time around, or even whether he had managed to dig himself out. Pursuing her meant putting himself back at the precipice, where she could either be his salvation or his doom. In the back of his head, he thought that if he did it, it would either end in marriage or a heartbreak severe enough he would swear off love until he dies. And he was not ready for that risk, not ready for that blinding pain that would come if he fell again.

Dara sat down in a green T-shirt on the student desk in the studio for the filming of Hunmanjeongeum. The show was about learning the Korean language, and some of the cast members were actually foreigners. Dara herself spent her teenage years abroad. She just hoped that her Korean skills were enough to not embarass her today, especially not in front of the man sitting on her left side.

Dara had to constantly remind herself to not glance at her left too often while the camera was filming them. But the sight there was too distracting. Eun Jiwon sat at the table to her left, also in the same green shirt. He looked especially handsome today, with his short hair slicked back, and the earring making him look even hotter. His styling team was definitely doing a great job today.

Dara was a bit too distracted by Jiwon's handsomeness that she wasn't really paying attention to all the conversation going on until she heard her name being mentioned.

“Sandara has had a crush on someone for 22 years!” the MC announced. At once, the studio exploded with chaos.

“22 years? That’s very long!”

“Whoa! She’s had the same feeling for 22 years?”

Dara could feel her cheeks heating up. She sneaked a glance at Jiwon on her right side. He had his eyes locked on the MC, listening closely.

Across from her, the youngest cast member, Jonathan began to look excited.

“Hey, why are you getting giddy?” Jesung said to Jonathan.

Jea said, “It's 22 years, so it's way before you were even born.”

The main MC smiled, “It's not Jonathan. It's the one sitting right next to her, Eun Jiwon!”

There were a lot of different reactions from the other cast members. Someone gasped in surprise. Another one frowned in confusion. Jea threw Dara a smirk. Dara could also hear some squealing from the back of the studio.

The MC continued, “When Sandara got the casting call for this program, she agreed right away! She said in Hunmanjeongeum there are three people she likes: Jea, Joonhyung, Jiwon. Joonhyung-oppa and Jiwon-oppa have different levels of meaning to her.”

Everyone else cracked up laughing. Dara wished that the ground would open up and swallow her whole. She wanted to pray for the MC to stop, but she had spilled everything to the writers during the interview and now she had to sit there and watch the trainwreck happen before her eyes.

The MC barreled on, “Joonhyung-oppa really feels like a sunbaenim. Whereas Jiwon-oppa… feels like a man to me.”

There were a lot of high-pitched squeals, including some of the female staff members.

Dara sneaked a glance at Jiwon. He was quiet, darting his eyes around and fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt. Dara felt more mortified that she was the one causing him to be this uncomfortable.

“Can I really say something like this?” she said, hopelessly trying to defuse the situation, “I shouldn't say something burdensome.”

From beside her, she could hear a gentle reply from the man himself. “It’s not.”

The reply soothed Dara's worries for a while, before Jea launched into another story. “We would always be at the salon together after we've finished our schedules.”

She imitated their conversation, first saying in her voice, “'I have a schedule with Jiwon-oppa.” Then, Jea raised her voice to imitate Dara, “Ah, isn't our Jiwon-oppa perfect?”

The studio was filled with laughter. Jiwon also laughed from the impression. He covered his mouth with one hand and pointed to Jea with the other hand “Wow! Your vocal impression of her is exactly the same!”

Dara wanted to scream out at her eonni to stop talking. But once Jea started, she did not stop. “No, but really. She said that when he changed his hairdo he looks younger than even the recent idols.”

“Eh, isn't this an exaggeration?” Jiwon asked, turning at her.

Jiwon's gaze on her filled Dara with the urge to hide in embarrassment. She held her hand up to her cheek, creating a shield between her and him. Dara mumbled, “Because he's right next to me, I don't know if I can say.”

The squealing and laughter came again. Dara wondered which one of the staffs could squeal this much without losing her voice.

“Why do you like Jiwon hyung?” One of the other cast members asked.

Another person said, “What do you like about him?”

“First of all, he's very handsome.” Dara said, shyly breaking into giggles at the end of her sentence. The 41-year-old Jiwon now was still as handsome as the 19-year-old Jiwon she first had a crush on. “But ever since Pom Saeng Pom Sa time, he was like this. He has a tsundere charm. But in real life he's very kind.”

She sneaked a glance to Jiwon, who was looking straight ahead. She might be imagining it, but she thought that there was a hint of flush in his cheeks.

The MC said, “Then Jiwon, do you know about her feelings?”

Dara’s heart began to race in her chest while she waited for his reaction. He knew that she was a fan, that one was true. But this was the first time she ever revealed that she had a budding crush on him.

“I - Well - “ Jiwon glanced around nervously, which caused some people to chuckle. He turned his body completely to the MC, “22 years sound like an exaggeration, but when Sechskies had a concert, she came and cheered for us. I also really like 2NE1. So I felt nervous and fluttery feeling.”

In a way, Dara was honestly terrified of his reaction. She knew what sort of hurtful jokes could be thrown in the variety world, and for a moment, she feared that she would be a of such joke. But Jiwon handled the situation gracefully, acknowledging her feelings and closing the door for such opportunity for the others. Even in what must be a very uncomfortable situation, he still protected her and said kind things about her.

He's a good man, Dara thought. A very good one.

Joonhyung commented, “No, but the way you say it so gently - “

Jesung also jumped in, “Hyung, your tone is weird!”

Thankfully, the conversation diverted from that point on and the shooting for Hunmanjeongeum went on without a problem.

The cast members were back in the waiting room after shooting was over. Dara saw Jiwon, sitting by himself in the corner of the room. The memory of her confession sent another wave of embarrassment through Dara. Jiwon now knew of her feelings for him, as did the whole of South Korea, she realized, when the episode aired.

Dara was startled by Jea appearing beside her, “You should talk to him,” Jea said.

Dara was about to protest, but Jea had gone on, “No buts! I'll distract everyone else so that you two could get a room.”

True to her words, Jea lured everyone outside by mentioning a dessert place nearby that was highly recommended. Before long, almost everyone else in the room had left to grab the dessert, leaving the two of them alone.

Dara tried to gather her courage while her mind worked hard to figure out what she should say to him. She caught Jiwon's eye as he looked up from his phone, and he gave her a small smile, “You’re not getting dessert?”

“I'll catch up with them later.” The smile Jiwon had on his face gave Dara the strength to push her words out. She took a deep breath. “Oppa, I'm sorry.”

Jiwon waved his hand. “Don't be.”

“I just want to apologize if I make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Don't worry about it,” Jiwon answered, “I knew you only said it for the cameras.”

But it wasn't, she thought. Sure, her ‘confession’ might have made for some interesting entertainment, but her feelings for him were genuine.

“Let's not talk about it,” Jiwon said, “Let's go and grab that dessert, okay?”

Dara could only nod in response. When the two of them walked together, Jiwon didn't walk as close to her as usual. Gone was the hand bumping into hers once in a while. Gone was the smell of sandalwood in the air next to her. Gone was his giggly laughter as she told him another bad joke. Instead, silence hung in the air between them, only broken by the sounds of their footsteps, out of sync.

Dara had never been someone who was shy about her crush. Since she was young, she had always gone in headfirst, proclaiming who she thought was the cutest boy in her class loudly. But Dara felt more nervous in telling Jiwon about her feelings. She didn't want to come off as a childish fan, but at the same time, she didn't want to lose Jiwon as her big brother and caring friend.

Jiwon's silence to her confession spoke volumes. Dara had to blink back the tears threatening to form in her eyes.

Maybe this was what rejection felt like.

Next time: 

The aftermath of the confession. Jiwon pulled away. Dara had to deal with his reaction. In the meantime, Dara got sick and received an unexpected visitor.