It had been weeks since he last saw Sunggyu. Even his shadow was nowhere to be found. It felt like years and he didn't know why. His friend suddenly disappeared and couldn't hang-out with him like he used to.

At first, he thought that maybe he was just swamped with homework and projects. However, as time passed on, he began to feel an unnerving feeling inside him that was telling him that Sunggyu was avoiding him. But he couldn't find any reasons why he should steer clear of him. Did he do something that made him mad? Or was there anything that happened to him that he missed?

He still remembered the first time he met him; it was in an old library in their university where there were few students because the place was very old and seemed like it would collapse at any moment. But he needed to do his homework. As a fine arts student, most of their assignments revolved around anything related to art such as paintings, drawings, sculptures and other things. That time he needed to find anything about ancient arts. Since the old library contained a number of references going back to perhaps primitive times, he decided to try his luck there.

As he walked on the creaking hoary floor boards that seemed to be made of oak, he saw him immersed in mountains of books at the far corner of the hall, alone and oblivious to everyone around him. Despite seeing him glance at him multiple times, he was unable to tell what he looked like since the library's lighting was utterly inadequate. Old-fashioned chandelier lights could not even provide enough light to illuminate the entire room. He passed by him but he was too focused on what he was doing to even look up.

When he got what he needed from the timeworn bookcases, he approached him and asked if he could share his table. He was kind enough to move his books and the packet of Butterfinger chocolates to give him some space despite knowing that there were few more vacant tables.

Ethereal. That was the first word that came into his mind when he finally saw his face. His set of jaws were chiseled, making his face appear to be perfectly carved by sculptors. Even his nose, which sported a high bridge was too impeccable to even be copied by plastic surgeons. When he smiled, his monolid eyes that adorned his face formed tiny slits in the corners of his eyes.

Talking about his smile, it remained the most beautiful smile he had seen. And it was brighter than the dim lighted bulbs encased in the aged ornates hanging from the ceiling. He also couldn't help but notice how unblemished his skin was. It was white, milky and flawless. So immaculate.

When he met him again in the lobby of his dormitory, he realized how the poorly-lit library never did justice to Sunggyu's beauty. Because perfect had to be the most appropriate term to describe his appearance.


After he recalled how his and Sunggyu's paths had crossed, memories of their friendship flooded back to him. They used to spend all their vacant periods, weekends and weeknights together. They bonded really well. And being a newcomer in the city, Sunggyu made his city life more bearable. The late-night talks over coffee at the dainty and cozy cafe near the university gave him comfort. And it made him understand that underneath Sunggyu's introverted personality, was a deep and profound person who would genuinely care for you and put you above himself first.

However, there had always been something enigmatic about Sunggyu. Something was hidden in him, something so inexplicable that even he couldn't understand. It was like he was hiding a part of himself that he couldn't share with anyone. He tried figuring it out but he couldn't.

The first few days Sunggyu refused to hang out, and he never thought how strange it was. Not until that time.

There were moments he could see him from afar and yet he couldn’t go near him. The aura Sunggyu was emitting wasn’t as bright as before. It was heavy, dark and dull. And since then, he often wondered of the sudden shift of Sunggyu’s personality.

Sunggyu being an introvert hadn’t been a problem when they got closer. Despite of him being comfortable on his own thoughts, Sunggyu tried to keep up with his extroverted personality. It was rare for the architecture student to be carefree and yet when he was with him, he became more open and he learned how to express himself. Therefore, he couldn’t understand what changed. Because it seemed like Sunggyu reverted back to his old self not only with everyone but also with him.

Some of Sunggyu’s classmate who knew him would ask why his friend seemed to be out of the present world most of the times and always lost in his thoughts. He could only shrug it off because he had no idea why.

His girlfriend, Jisoo, had also been asking him what happened to Sunggyu because he even refused a coffee date with her. Jisoo grew fond of Sunggyu and treated him as his older brother. Thus, it was also baffling her why Sunggyu became suddenly closed off.


Everything was bothering him. He didn’t know why there was an uneasy feeling inside him that he was the reason. But he couldn’t remember if there was any time that he did him wrong. As far as he knew, he never treated him bad.

And more than anything, he felt something was missing. Inside of him was a hollow space that he never knew he had. It was puzzling. He assumed that it was because he missed his friend. And that void inside him would soon be filled-in again once Sunggyu was free enough to hang-out with him.

But more weeks turned to a month, Sunggyu never became free. Worrying about him, he tried asking few people who he knew became Sunggyu’s close friends if Sunggyu had a problem. But no one could give him an answer.

However, there was one person who said something that made him recollect the past few days before Sunggyu evaded his invitations.

He was hurting and he was suffering alone. There was something broken inside him and he was trying to fix it on his own. Give him time. He would comeback when he’s ready. And Woohyun, the reason? If you didn’t see it, maybe you never opened your eyes.


The past months he was with Sunggyu, all he could see was him being him: bright, funny, often daydreaming of something he never dared to ask what, lazy, sluggish, tired and all characteristics of introverts one could read on books.

When they were doing their homework in either of their rooms, Sunggyu was still the same person who was addicted to Butterfinger which was odd because most people like him never liked those because it was flaky and had a peanut butter taste. But nonetheless, he stashed few bars inside his drawer for Sunggyu to snack on when they were in his room.

Hanging out with him and Jisoo, Sunggyu never failed to show fondness to his girlfriend. Most of the time, the two of them were ganging up on him, making him gave in on whatever the two wanted; may it be paying their meal or going shopping with them.

As he continued to ponder, he realized that there was always something odd about Sunggyu whenever the three of them were hanging out. Though Sunggyu never rejected being a third-wheel on his and Jisoo’s dates whenever his girlfriend wanted Sunggyu to be there, in the last few dates they had, he was getting adamant of joining them. He regarded it as Sunggyu was being nice and giving him and Jisoo privacy.

The last time Sunggyu was with them, he thought he saw pain passing in his eyes which vanished as fast as it appeared. It was strange for him but he brushed it off because maybe his eyes were only deceiving him. Remembering that day, he realized how bizarre that time was.

Sunggyu bid them goodbye earlier than usual. It wasn’t even 30 minutes of hanging-out and he already walked away. That night, he knocked on Sunggyu’s door but he never opened it for him. He knew that he was inside based on the light that seeped out through the space between the door and floor. Calling him was his last option and he tried but Sunggyu never answered.

Sleeping. Maybe Sunggyu was sleeping that night and forgot to turn off the lights. But then the consecutive days after that, whenever he saw him, he was either rushing out and going off somewhere he was already late at or rushing in because he was exhausted and sleepy.

Few times he called him and asked if they could go for their late-night coffee, he was refused because of this and because of that; pretexts that he couldn’t quite fathom. Because the reasons were things that Sunggyu was never really used to doing: going to bar with classmates, sleeping early, studying even the major exams were already done and few more reasons that was so not him. Until he hadn’t seen him anymore.

Ruminating about everything, he figured out that Sunggyu was really going through something he neglected to see. He didn’t want to jump into conclusions but he felt like he already had a hunch why.

That particular pain in Sunggyu’s eyes that he saw, he realized it wasn’t the first time. There had always been a lingering hurt on his eyes and that was the one thing that he couldn’t understand initially. It was the thing that Sunggyu was hiding. It was the part of him that he couldn’t share with others. The inexplicable thing that he tried unraveling before.

Apart from that, he also realized that Sunggyu displayed variety of emotions in front of him but he failed to acknowledge it; too focused on something else to even see. Things that he never gave attention previously became clearer to him now that he was shredding everything from his memories of him thoroughly.

There had always been a glint of melancholia surrounding Sunggyu everytime they talked about feelings and relationships. It was as if he always tried to deviate away from it. Moreover, the way his friend displayed happiness may have been genuine but often times he wore smiles that never reached his eyes. There were also multiple times that he could feel how skittish he was with him no matter how comfortable he tried to be.

On times that there was accidental touching of their hands, the other would pull his hand abruptly like he was scared or as if he had touched a burning pot. When Sunggyu was spacing out, there had always been a significant look at his face that he couldn’t put a name on. He often wondered what that was but as he recalled, it was a look of yearning.

Then there were also those stealthy glances that he noticed few times which he never minded.


His realizations hit him down the core. He knew the reasons now that he opened his eyes to every delineated memory that were retained in his boggled mind: those glances, nervousness, avoidance of touching, longing look, not talking about feelings, half-happiness.

Sunggyu was suffering from unrequited love. And it was… with him.

He always had an inkling that Sunggyu wasn’t straight. Having friends who were gay, Woohyun surely picked-up some gay radar from them. But it never crossed his mind that Sunggyu would suffer a one-sided love because of him.

The reason why Sunggyu didn’t want to talk about feelings and relationships was because of him. How could he not figure it out earlier?

However, Woohyun still couldn’t understand. It was beyond his comprehension why Sunggyu wouldn’t say anything to him. Why didn't he tell him that he was the one hurting him?

He flaunted his relationship in front of Sunggyu and yet his friend tried his best to show him how happy he was that he had someone beside him who loved him dearly.

Sunggyu freely spent time with him and Jisoo, despite the fact he was stepping on his own heart and hurting inside. How could he not see the pain that registered in his eyes earlier than the last time he saw it?

However, if he knew from the beginning, what would he do? Would there be something that he could’ve done? The more he thought of it, the answer was just waving at the surface. There would be nothing he could ever do to stop the pain Sunggyu was feeling.

Love would always be something that hit you involuntarily. More often than not, it would come at the worst possible time.

The greatest enemy of a person could have would be his own heart. Because the heart would always have a mind of its own. And no matter how one fought with himself, he would still follow his heart no matter where it would lead him to; even it was right, even it was wrong.

The heart knew what it needed and what it was missing. Heart was unstoppable and yet it also knew when it reached its limit of giving away all the the feelings burried deep inside it. And Woohyun guessed, Sunggyu’s heart already reached that point.


Woohyun was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He felt somewhat lost after contemplating about everything. His topsy-turvy emotions were tangled in a hoop that was rolling and moving inside him.

A feeling was suddenly pulling him down. There were mental images flashing in his mind like a movie: Sunggyu’s face, Sunggyu’s laugh, Sunggyu’s smile, Sunggyu’s thinking face, Sunggyu’s stunned face and Sunggyu’s inside pain that was translating into the surface.

Putting his hand on his chest, he tried feeling his heartbeat. It was normal and yet it also wasn’t. In between those heartbeats were thudding sounds that was foreign in him.

 

He never meant to neglect things or people. Thinking about Sunggyu for days made him forget that he had a girlfriend who was waiting for his calls and messages. He was too pre-occupied to even meet her that one day she just broke down in tears in front of him for being taken for granted.

Shame. The name of the feeling that was engulfing him for treating Jisoo that way. He should be focusing on her instead of thinking about his friend who chose to stay away from him. However, the more he thought about it, the more he didn’t feel any guilt for thinking about Sunggyu.

As days turned into another week, Woohyun completely changed. He wasn’t his usual self. There was a part of him that wanted to look for Sunggyu in his college wing which was opposite the fine arts wing in the same building. But he didn't know what to say. Even he himself didn’t know what was going on with him and why Sunggyu’s thoughts were consuming him. He felt sadness and he couldn't even figure out why he was that lonely.


Then he saw him. One cold autumn night he saw him sitting at the bench, in the park where he decided to clear his muddled mind because of his sinking relationship with his girlfriend that would eventually be doomed if he wouldn't pull himself out of the slump he was in. There was uncertainty in him and he couldn't decide if he would go to him or if he would just walk away.

Seeing the back of the person who was making him live in incertitude nowadays, made him realized that he missed him. He missed the owner of that back so much that it suddenly hurt.

Few minutes passed and he continued staring at Sunggyu's back, tilting his head on the process to catch a glimpse of his side profile. It was cold and yet his friend was sitting like a curled-up statue on the park bench while looking at the night sky. Involuntarily, he also looked up to see what was up there.

Stars. Countless shining heavenly bodies were decorating the clear dark sky. It was fascinating. As if the stars were promising brighter days ahead. His feet started walking towards the man who was silently having his moment of peace. He sat beside him and he looked at him a little surprised.

Woohyun stared at Sunggyu. It had been roughly two and a half months since he last saw him and his beauty was still the same. Perfect. However, he was so gloomy that he couldn't even recognize that he was Sunggyu. Gone were the smiles he used to see painted on his face. Gone were those glittering eyes that usually brighten his days.

"Ask away Woohyun." What was he going to ask? He had too many questions in mind but he was coming up with nothing to utter. But he had to try.

"Why?" It was question that could denote anything. Why were you alone here? Why were you gone these days? Why did you have to hide everything? Too many why questions in his mind that he couldn't even voice out. When Sunggyu asked what he meant, the question that came out was, "Why are you torturing yourself?"

That caught the other unprepared. He could see how he tensed up on the question. However, he never got his answer. All he could see was him staring to whatever was in front of them, like he was trying to see something from a distance. And he on the other hand couldn't take his eyes off Sunggyu. It was as if he would vanish into thin air once he removed his eyes away from him.

Like heart, sometimes the mouth also had its own mind. It could speak before the brain could think. "Why do you like to suffer alone?"

"How do you know?"

Woohyun tried giving an answer but how could he say that he had been thinking of him for the past weeks and months that he was gone. That the thing that he was obscuring for so long was already figured out. But, he just settled on, "You wouldn't disappear if you wanted company. Everyone needs someone to listen. It wasn't right to keep everything to yourself. If you couldn't tell me, the least you could do is to talk to your best friend. But it seemed like you were also hiding from him."

Then he found Sunggyu asking him many questions that at first he couldn't understand. Because he was asking and answering at the same time. It was vague and if one wouldn't read between the lines of it, no one would get it. The meaning was inexplicit and hiding between words that was breaking him even more. Though he wasn't looking at him, the pain was there. His face was displaying how broken he was.

And he was a jerk of asking him the questions he shouldn't have asked. "Why didn't you say you're hurting? We are friends, aren't we?" Woohyun you are an idiot. You are hurting him more. He mentally scolded himself.

"And your friendship was one of the best things I wanted to keep. You don't have to be bothered about me. I would be fine because I have to. And, you don't need to understand what I said. Let's just leave it as is."

Sunggyu may have answered him with a chuckle but he could see the bitter smile that registered on his face that he instantly masked.

Then he got off and turned his back on him, telling him that it was late and they had to return back to the university dormitory.

He couldn’t help but observe his movements. Sunggyu looked up at the sky again for a few seconds before walking away. There was a heavy feeling looming between them and he could feel his pain. The pain that Sunggyu was enduring whenever he was around him was stinging and yet he still tried to give him a smile, even a bitter one.

It wasn’t that he wanted to add some salt to Sunggyu’s wounded heart but he heard himself calling him. “Gyu.” And telling him, “I know.” when he stopped walking.

With wavering movements, he saw Sunggyu turned to face him again. The heartbreaking smile he gave him made his heart hurt. His friend was being transparent now. He could see through his façade how emotionally miserable he was. There was something inside urging him to run to him and envelope him in his arms but, he stayed put. It wasn’t right. He would hurt him more.

“It doesn't matter Woohyun. That something came along at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Or maybe it was me who came in that way."

Sunggyu’s lips curled into a smile. A different one from the smiles he had been giving him the whole night. It was sweet and bright. Heartwarming and… heart racing.

He watched him walked away. Following him would defeat Sunggyu’s purpose and reason of wanting to go back to his room. It wasn’t difficult to guess that he was walking away to prevent himself from spilling more than he did. Until Sunggyu’s retreating back disappeared from the corner, he never removed his gaze from it.


Conflicted. It was the feeling that appeared indistinctly after he saw and talked to Sunggyu. As soon as he lay down his bed, the staring battle with his ceiling neve