Said I'm fine and said I moved on
I'm only here passing time in her arms
Hoping I'll find
A glimpse of us

   The post-break-up is where all the conclusions and speculations are drawn out. There was a theory that people who are fresh from breakups often go through different stages of the moving on process. 

   The first one is denial. This stage is said to be wherein the individual is in constant disbelief of the breakup. Questions like The Five Ws and H are often, if not always, thought about by both parties in the breakup.

     "Is there somebody else, if so, who?"

     "What pushed them to end this? Was it something I did? "

     "Where did it start to go wrong?"

     "When did they start to realize that we were better off not together?"

     "Why did we break up?" Why can't we just stay together? "

     "How did I not see this coming?" 

   There are a lot of questions left unsaid and unanswered. Many of us think that it is better that way, afraid of what answers await us. Some chose to run while some chose to confront them. Either of the actions would lead to heartbreak.

   The next stage is pain. As for the name of the stage: It's just that simple. Just pain. It doesn't have to be the act of crying; sometimes it's the act of avoiding a thing, a song, a show, a movie, or situations that remind you of them. A constant reminder that they left. Avoiding those occurences like a plague afraid that it will trigger a foreboding.

   The most simplest tasks become impossible as you feel the bubble of energy that you had before being taken away during the break-up.

   Then here goes bargaining, the negotiating stage. If I were to compare it with the other stages, bargaining would be tantamount to denial. Acknowledgement as well as agreement that the relationship is over are done during this stage. The if-only's

      "If only I hadn't done this, or that they would have stayed."

      "If only I hadn't said that."

      "I would never do something that would upset them if that's the only way they'd go back to me."

   Depression, the feeling of nothing It's as if time is indeed moving but you aren't. You're stuck where they left you. Just right there. You can't and don't want to move. A stage wherein motivation to do anything is lost. 

   It may take a while, but there's an upward trend wherein you're starting to reconstruct yourself. A slow but steady progress.

   Acceptance is the stage where you're fine. Not happy, but satisfied with how things turned out. The mention of their names doesn't bother me anymore. The courage to meet someone else is open too. The last stage is the hardest to be.

       I wonder which stage I am in right now?

   The piercing blaze that the sun emitted through the glass pane of my room made me shuffle in my bed. with the left side of it unoccupied. That specific part of the bed suddenly becomes unfamiliar. Slowly pulling down the duvet that was covering my whole body, I searched for my bedside clock.

   9:45, it shows.

   I released a tired sigh. As I took my dear time to stand up in bed, the frame that was put down was noticeable.

       How long has it been?

   With a careful hold, the frame showed a picture of me and Winter. Below it was both our kiss marks, with the date of our anniversary written on them. It was a picture of us holding a boquet each. I still remember the day vividly. Bizarrely enough, we both have the same gift in mind. For a self-described "pragmatic person", she sure was good at making my heart plummer.

   The realization hit me. 

       I should throw this away. 

   I put the frame down again, feeling the strain build up in my throat. With tears welling up. The first sob is the hardest to keep in but if it slips up the second, third, and so on sobs would be inevitable to stop.

       Just when will this end?

   The door creaked and there was Aeri, carrying a plate with toast and eggs and coffee on the other. She had that hesitant smile, wondering if this was a great time to be around.

   Unfortunately, it was indeed not the best time to show. As she can find her best friend sitting on the floor with her kness brought up to her face. Crying that caused bloodshot eyes.

   Aeri quickly set down the plate and coffee on the study table and sat down, cradling me. There was nothing I could do but to weep and wet her pajamas. Without noticing and giving a damn about the time and the disregarded breakfast.

   Me and Aeri were now lying down on my bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling. None of us uttered any words, and somehow that comforted me because I knew for sure if we were going to be talking about her, I would be bawling my eyes out before I could even speak.

      "Do you know that there are different stages of being on a post-breakup' 

   I turned my gaze to her. Her focus was still on the ceiling. 

      "Like stages of grief?"  I asked, She let out a soft chuckle at what I said.

      "No, it's nothing like that. Mine is way more accurate, Rina," she tried to opened up a subject. It was clear that she was trying to steer our topic to a more "you can't cry because I'll cry too" topic.

      "So the stages go like this." She lay down sideways facing me with her arm supporting her head. " I miss them stage. Maybe I should go and strike a conversation stage.Then comes the rereading of old conversations stage. Next is the why did I waste my time with them stage. And then them but not in the physical but figuratively way stage. Then the they don't deserve me stage. And last is the relapse stage."

   She finished suppressing her laugh, "Which stage are you on right now, Rina?"

   Definitely the first and second, but I won't tell her that. The third and fourth of which...I don't think I would regret anything with her. I haven't done the last stage and I wish to never do that or else everything would go back to shambles and I'm back to sqaure one.

   Gazing at the ceiling again, I answered, "I think I'm on the I'm sick of staring up at the ceiling. How'd you change your mind just like that stage?" Looking at her now, she shook her head in disbelief.

       "The sun is out and yet it's your moment of weakness, Rina." She  slowly get up and look at my bedside table where my digital clock is located.

      11:27

      "Might as well not go to classes," she said, before plopping down beside me. With her arm stretched to hug me sideways, "We'll be okay, Rina... I'm here always." 

    It suddenly crossed my mind, "Wait? 'We have classes?"

   "Yes, We both have afternoon classes. I'd rather sleep, though. Missing a class won't leave you a fail. We can just make an excuse of being sick. I still have a hangover from our drink sesh last night. " 

       She's right. I could always do some advance reading.

   I snuggled close to her. The cold floor isn't an ideal bed, but with our hungover state, we couldn't care less.