Love of my life

If you asked me to describe the first word that came into my mind when I met Park Chaeyoung it would be beautiful. She had this beautiful porcelain skin, these beautifully shaped almond eyes, and long jet black hair. I was so awestruck that I swear my heart skipped a beat. Though, I never planned to pursue her. That wasn't me, it wasn't my brand. Yes; Byun Baekhyun was a flirt at first, but he was never a player. He was never someone who would get serious about someone. That's what everyone said about me but the truth was: I - Byun Baekhyun - was too scared to put my heart on the line. For what reason? I didn't have any heartbreaking break-ups or traumatic past, so what was the reason then? Dramas. If my heart hurt that badly just watching them, why would I subject myself to that? Those rollercoaster of emotions were something I hated feeling by just watching dramas, so I wasn't going to subject myself to it. Besides, I was happy with where I was at. I had a good group of friends, I had passion for music, and the school knew me as the confident friendly guy that everyone loved. I didn't need anything else and I wasn't looking for anything else. So how did Park Chaeyoung weave her way in and become the love of my life?

First Meeting

Maybe it was the first day I met her when my heart unconsciously beat for her. She had this uncomfortable look on her face that didn't take a genius to notice that she felt out of place. It reminded me of me when I first came to school. Shy, reserved, uncomfortable, not really knowing if I belonged in the big city. And when she had that kind of look on her face, I couldn't leave her alone. It was magnetic and I found myself wanting to get to know her and break out of her shell more than anything. I didn't know if it was because I saw me in her or because I wanted to be a good person. That didn't matter though. When I saw her smile for the first time it felt like the world stopped spinning and I wanted to see more of that smile. No. I didn't want to see more of that smile, I wanted to see her real smile. There was a look in her eyes that I couldn't quite brush off, something about them seemed so sad. I didn't want to see a smile where the twinkling stars in her eyes were clouded by such a sadness. I didn't want to see this smile. Not the one plastered on her face when it was obvious she had something else lingering. I made it my mission from that moment to find her real smile. If I even got to see it once, I would be the happiest person. Those sad eyes and worried brows didn't suit her features.

The reason for her sad look was soon revealed to me the same day. The picture of that boy in her stuff. She broke her focus from the lecture and I could see the way her face fell. I was angry when I realized that he was the reason who made her smile so sad. And it was so frustrating to know that the person who broke her happiness was the same guy who made her smile so widely in that picture. It was the reason why I vowed to not put my heart on the line. 

Tearful Seasons

WINTER.

The winter after she first came here is when I really got close to her. The night I saw her crying in the park, it twisted my heart in the most painful way ever. It was a pain I wasn't very familiar with. Seeing her shake and hearing her silent sniffles. It seemed so lonely and sad. And as much as I wanted to ask her what was wrong, as much as I wanted to beat the person who made those crystal drops fall from her eyes, I couldn't ask her. She didn't seem comfortable to tell me her problems. What she needed was company. She didn't need me to solve her problems. And she didn't need me to offer her words of comfort. All she needed was someone to stay. Someone for her to cry with so she didn't have to suffer the burdenous pain alone. And I was happy that I could be that person for her.

SPRING.

The next season I found myself to be the person in her arms. The week before my grandma passed, I was at the same park that Chaeyoung was at. When I found out that my grandma was hospitalized and the doctos weren't sure if she would make it, I ran out of the house without bothering to even grab a jacket and found myself on the same swing. I wasn't crying, I just felt scared. The fear of losing someone I cared about so much was eating me up so much that I couldn't even bring it in me to ease the pain with tears. I was so lost in thoughts that I didn't notice when she came up. Not until she wrapped her jacket around me.

"A jacket is supposed to give you warmth and protection from the cold air. When others tell you to wear a jacket, it's a reminder that they care about you and want you to stay warm and protected even when they're not there. I care about you and I know others do, so wear a jacket." She spoke softly. 

I looked at her with wide eyes. Her words reminded me of how much my grandma reminded me to put on a jacket every day before leaving the house. Without hesitation I found all my walls breaking and I told her everything about my grandma. About how she was my favorite person in the world and how much she loved me. And how much I loved her. And how I was so scared of losing her. Chaeyoung listened silently, she didn't interrupt. She didn't ask questions. And she didn't give me false hope that she was sure my grandma would be okay or that I'd be okay. Instead she said this:

"It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel like your life is crumbling beneath you and to be so scared of losing someone who truly meant something in your life. That's normal for everyone." That night I cried in her arms for hours. And when I got home, I cried to my parents all night long while I ranted on about the pain that wouldn't disappear in my heart. 

I felt lighter that day.

-

A week later, my grandma died. I remember crying for so long that it felt like I couldn't anymore. I couldn't bear the sight of my grandma's lifeless body. Or the smell of the hospital. I ran out of the hospital in the rain without a jacket, once again. I thougtht I was running aimlessly around, but maybe subconsciously I was finding my way to their house. The Park household. When I saw where I ended up, I had this craving. A craving I didn't even realize I had until I got there. I wanted to be in her arms. Park Chaeyoung's arms.

I would tell myself that I'd ring the doorbell only once and if she didn't answer, I would leave. I was ashamed and embarrassed but I was desperate for her company. And when she opened the door, I felt both relief and embarrassment. That didn't matter though. What mattered is she was right in front of me. And I found myself engulfing her into the tightest hug I'd ever given. She let me in and gave me Chanyeol's clothes before I returned into her arms again. I felt safe in her embrace. I cried for an hour as I wished for my grandma to return. And when the crying stopped, Chaeyoung spoke.

"Grandma Baek is a wonderful woman. She helped raise a fine kid that she treated like her own treasure. And she'll always be alive in here," she pointed at my heart, "don't let her become a memory Baek. She's not here physically but she's always going to be here nagging in your ear about wearing jackets and being safe. She's happiest when she sees you happy." 

That night, I left the Park household with a jacket that barely fit me. And from that day forward, Chaeyoung always spoke about my grandma like she was still alive and with me. 

Summer in Love

In summer, I came to realize my feelings. The day we went to the amusement park, I would suffer through any ride just to see her smile. Just to see the happiness and excitement on her face to finally be doing something that she's never gotten the chance to do. Needless to say, Chaeyoung didn't allow us to ride much more apart from the kiddie rides when she saw how I screamed. It was okay though becaused I was enjoying the time I spent with Chaeyoung. When she was happy, I was happy. Even if she was embarrassed to go on her rants about the things she found fun in the country, I couldn't help but smile and ask her more about her. Especially when she smiled so fondly at the memories. There was one ride that I needed her to ride though and that was the ferris wheel. And I was so glad we rode it. When I saw the orange light shine against Chaeyoung's skin, my heart was running miles. Her lips were curled into a smile, one that was different from her past smiles. That look of sadness was no longer there. This was her real happy smile. Not one to mask her sadness. Not a nostalgic smile. Not a smile bothered by troubles. And it was beautiful

I spent months with her by now. We spent many days joking around, arguing, talking about many things. Each day felt like something new with her. And yet there was always something troubling her. I spent time with her in my arms and times with me in her arms. Every day I spent with her, I enjoyed. I enjoyed it so much some days that I didn't want it to end. She was a ball of light in my life. She didn't fix my problems, but she listened to them and was there for me. She encouraged me to be the best I could be. Yet she harbored such a sad smile. There were many days where I wished to erase that troubled smile on her face. And it killed me most days when I couldn't erase those negative feelings that kept her from smiling so brightly. And I finally got to see it now as she smiled at the view below us.

She was in awe with the view and I was in awe with her.

I fell in love with Park Chaeyoung.

When I found out the guy, Kai, in Chaeyoung's picture was her first love my heart broke a little. I had my suspicions, but having them confirmed felt worse than I expected. It was an eating feeling that felt like I would never have a chance with her, like I would never compare to the guy that she was so sad about for months. I didn't feel like I had a right to feel these feelings, after all, I still didn't want to date her. I was still scared of losing someone I loved so much I thought it would be too painful. Too painful that I would never get over her, like how she would never get over Kai. These feelings that were so difficult to wipe away, she wiped them away so easily.

"I don't regret loving Kai. Even though our love wasn't enough to last us a lifetime, I was happy and he helped me grow so much. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have even thought abotu attending a school like this." I took a sharp breath at the pain I felt in my chest.

"Our paths didn't align, but he paved new paths for me to walk along and that's why I'm here now. I think I'll always have him with me in my heart, but it'll never be in the same way I loved him. I'm grateful for the memories and growth we did and I'll carry the things I've learned with me into my next relationship. I don't want to say I regret loving him, because I didn't. I don't want to say I want to forget him, because I don't. I was truly happy and truly thankful. And I'd regret it more if I never fell in love with him and let him help me grow. It's sad that our lives departed, but I want to see him smiling with someone that makes him happy. And I want to smile with someone that does that too."

It would be foolish for me to expect her to forget someone who was that special to her. And she proved to me that just like in the dramas, you won't forget the person you loved. But she showed me something else. That that's okay. It's okay to fall in love and get your heartbroken. And I finally embraced my feelings. I'd rather risk my heart than live with the regret of not risking it. I didn't need permanence, as frightening as the thought could be, I was going to accept that somethings end. And when I felt like it was time. I asked her out. She sealed our commitment with a kiss.

A Love to Last a Lifetime

I never had to face those feelings of heartbreak. There were times where I worried that we wouldn't be able to make it, but each time we made it through. As we grew up from teenagers to adults, our love grew with us. I would do everything in my power to save us when it felt like there was no going forward and she did the same thing. Even when times were rough and we rarely talked. Even when school got tough. There was always time for each other. And I would never neglect to show her how much I loved her. Maybe she wouldn't never realize the extent of my love for  her, but as long as she knew that I loved her that was okay with me. I felt like I had everything with her. With her, I was never alone. She would make sure I never felt alone. She never let me leave the house without a jacket unless it was a hot day. Her smile was the sunshine to a rainy day. And I was grateful to be able to make her smile like that. Her hugs felt so warm like it could heal all the cold in my body. My love was continuous and never ending, I was certain that this love would stay forever. I wanted to continue to grow with her and I wanted to see our love evolve. And I hoped that she felt the same.

I wouldn't worry about the what ifs anymore. I was focused on the now. And right now, I had Park Chaeyoung in the beautiful white gown. She was breathtaking, and I wasn't even aware that she could be more beautiful than she was. Looking at her, I felt myself falling in love with her all over again. I felt those butterflies again and my heart swelled with joy at the fact that she was to be my wife. Both of our eyes watering with joy, surrounded by our family and friends. And Kim Kai was there too. He was her first love and I couldn't be more thankful towards him. 

Thank you Kai for paving the way for me to find my home. Thank you Park Chaeyoung for giving me a love to last a life time.

I love you. When I didn't expect an eternity, when I expected that our lives would part ways, you smiled with me. I love you so much, Park Chaeyoung.

Thank you everyone who read and supported my first oneshot! I would like to take time to also thank the people who upvoted my story, it means a lot to me and I'm grateful for the support I've gotten! As I'm considering and mapping out remaking this story from Kai's POV, I decided to release some excerpts from when I first began writing this story. These are just a few excerpts that got cut when revising the final oneshot since I just wanted to write it from the POV of Chaeyoung. They're mostly just a glimpse from Baekhyun's view and how he grew to love Chaeyoung.