"I think we should stop Hyukjae,"  Donghae sighed as he took off his beanie and removed his glasses, throwing them on the living room couch.

They’d just landed from Japan roughly an hour ago and even though Hyukjae should have been dropped off at the dorms, Donghae had asked him if he could stop over at his place for a while because everything that had happened in the past few days wouldn’t stop weighing down on him and he needed to get it out of his system, for one night’s peaceful sleep.

"What do you mean stop? Stop with what exactly?" Hyukjae hadn’t even taken off his Gucci crossbody bag, and he was surprised at the way Donghae was speaking to him.

"This thing we have going on. This push and pull between us. I keep trying to pull you towards me in every way possible but you keep pushing yourself away and I don't know what to do!"

"Donghae, I don’t know where the hell this is comin from right now, but I swear to God that I’m trying. I mean look at me! I'm trying as hard as I can. I'm doing my best!" 

It didn’t take more than a few seconds to get Hyukjae exasperated. He was tired. He wanted to shut everything down and go to sleep, but Donghae’s insistence of talking things out wasn’t something new to him. A part of him wanted to tell Donghae to shut up and they could talk about it some other time but another part of him wanted to hear what was going on in the younger one’s mind. 

"You're not, Hyukjae. Because if you think you are, you're lying to yourself. You don’t seem the least bit interested. I don’t know why you are still doing this, whether you're trying to keep things going between us for the members so it doesn’t disturb the equilibrium we have created over the span of 17 years or for the fans who are so used to our fan service by now-" 

Donghae sounded angry but Hyukjae didn’t need to look at his face to know that he was on the verge of tears. 

"- What the do you mean by that?! You think this has all been for show?! Everything that I have ever said to you or done for you-" Hyukjae was fuming now, how dare Donghae think such things when he had been nothing but faithful to the other man.

Donghae was quick to interrupt him this time "I never said that. It was real at some point, it definitely was, but now I don’t feel like it is. At least not the way it used to be. Your smiles aren't the same when you look at me, they don't reach your eyes anymore. Your touches don't feel the same every time you run your hands on my body"

He had started to sound tired now, as if he wanted to close his eyes and lie back on the very couch he was currently sitting on

Hyukjae was a looming presence, standing next to him, and the dim lights in the room were making his shadow fall on Donghae, leading him to feel small and vulnerable. 

"And what should I do about it, Donghae? What should I do about the way you feel?" Hyukjae was confused about what Donghae wanted from him. Did he want to hear some specific words? Was he looking for a certain gesture?

"Stop lying to me. Tell me the truth. Just tell me what your heart truly wants Hyukjae, because I swear to god, I've given you everything I've had,” Donghae struggled to speak as he choked over his own words and had to swallow quickly in order to continue speaking, “My heart, my soul, my body, everything belongs to you It always has.Yet what have you given me? How much of yourself have you actually, truly given to me? How much of yourself have you bared to me and how much of yourself do you still keep hidden deep inside? What are you so scared of?”

For the first time since they’d entered Donghae’s house, the younger one raised his eyes and made eye contact with Hyukjae. But Hyukjae, who had been staring down at Donghae all this time, chose that very moment to look away. As if he was scared that Donghae could read his eyes, or Donghae could discover his deepest fears. 

Instead of trying to voice out what he was thinking or feeling at that moment, Hyukjae went on the offensive, “What is all this exactly about Hae? Is it about all your birthdays that I have missed?”

Donghae snorted as he lowered his eyes and shook his head. He couldn’t believe the words he was hearing from Hyukjae’s mouth “You think this is just about birthdays? Do you think I am a child who will cry about the fact that his best friend decided not to throw a surprise party on the day of his birthday? This is more than just that.”

Hyukjae could not take any more of it and so he stomped over to switch on the lights before returning and flopping down on the couch next to Donghae, leaving enough space between them for an entire other human being. 

Touch had always been something that Donghae desired and something that Hyukjae always tried to avoid the best he could. But having spent years with the younger one, he had started to crave touch in the most unusual way : having strong arms wrapped around his body, having small, rough hands running up and down his chest as he made love to Donghae. He considered it unusual because anyone else’s touch would make him want to pull back, but not Donghae’s. When it came to him, Hyukjae would subconsciously lean into the touch, finding warmth and comfort in it. 

But right now, Hyukjae needed the space between him so he could think straight. He could not afford to have his emotions clouded by thoughts of what Donghae’s body felt like against his own. 

Hyukjae drew in a deep breath before he spoke up, “So tell me then. If this is not about the birthdays, then what is it?”

Donghae was doing everything in his power to avoid making eye contact with Hyukjae because if he did, he knew he would crumble. He’d want to fall into Hyukjae’s arms and bury his head in his chest and sob his heart out, and Hyukjae would soothe him with a few soft words before peeling him out of his clothes, gently, one layer after another, and would make sweet love to him, all the while telling him how much he loved him. In the post ic bliss, they’d fall asleep in eachothers’ arms and when morning came, they’d have forgotten about the conversation, pushing it to the back of their heads as if it never existed in the first place, carelessly choosing to continue their day as planned. 

Donghae was not going to let that happen again. Not this time. 

“You don’t talk to me Hyukjae. You keep everything bottled up as if all your burdens are yours to carry alone. You tell me you love me but you don’t do the things that lovers are supposed to do. You protect me whenever I seek protection with you but you’re never the one to take the first step towards me as if you’re scared something bad will happen. It’s always me who is asking you to take my hand. I’m the one who keeps begging you to have faith in me, I-” Donghae lets out a sigh and bows his head in defeat as if he knows that he’s speaking to a wall. As if he knows that his words are falling on deaf ears and he’s unable to get his feelings across to Hyukjae even though he’s sitting merely an arms length distance away from him. 

Unbeknownst to Donghae, every single word that he uttered pierced through Hyukjae’s heart like a dagger being embedded into it. Donghae was right. Donghae was right about every single thing. He had never truly opened up to anyone, not his parents, not to his sister, and not even to Donghae. Maybe that’s why everyone thought he was cold. Maybe that’s why some people said he gives off bad boy vibes. Maybe that’s why years ago, when Donghae had told Heechul hyung that he had confessed his love to Hyukjae, hyung had only said one thing to him. 

“Donghae-ah, just make sure you never let him break your heart. I’m not saying that he definitely will. I’m saying that he can. And not because he isn’t a good person, but because he is incapable of giving himself to anyone entirely.”

But Donghae, being the hopelessly romantic man that he still was, had only chuckled and hugged his hyung tightly, thanking him for accepting the kind of love that was frowned upon by more than just a few people, “Oh you don’t have to worry about that hyung. I know Hyukjae loves me. Mauve even more than I do. There is no way in the world that he is going to hurt me. I have more faith in him than I do in myself”

Hyukjae is pulled out of his reverie of thoughts when Donghae calls out his name a little too softly, as if they’re about to cook dinner and watch a movie together and aren’t actually in the middle of a very serious lover’s quarrel.

Hyukjae looked up from where he had been staring in his hands that were lying limply in his lap, “Hhmm? I’m sorry I was just….thinking.”

Donghae looked away from him and fixated his eyes on the black screen of the LED, “about what?”

Hyukjae swallowed the lump in his throat and decided to speak up, “About the time you told Heechul hyung that you confessed to me” There was a moment of silence in which Hyukjae tried his hardest to not turn to the side and look at Donghae’s face. But he was helpless. He couldn’t stop himself. Donghae was biting his lower lip and his eyes were filled with tears, which he was preventing from falling by avoiding blinking. But a few seconds later, he blinked and the tears fell down, rolling down his cheeks so pitifully that Hyukjae felt his heart physically ache. It took all his strength to stop himself from scooting across the couch and wrapping the younger one in his arms. 

Donghae looked so small sitting there, so pitiful, as if he had been hurt not once or twice, but over and over again by someone who had no regard for his feelings. And who could that someone possibly be other than Lee Hyukjae himself. 

But then Hyukjae mustered up his courage and started again, “You sounded so sure of yourself that day. So sure that I would never hurt you, that I would always take care of you”

Donghae’s voice was even smaller than before as he responded, “Should I not have said all that? If this is what was bound to happen Hyukjae, maybe I shouldn’t have trusted you more than myself.”

Hyukjae was unsure how he should respond to that but then Donghae continued speaking as he scoffed, “I sound like I just stepped back into a time machine and landed back some 15 year in time. I sound like the desperate little Donghae sitting in the van on our way back from a schedule in the middle of the night and begging you to share with me the stuff that you have going on in your head. And you chose not to say a word, instead shouting at me for being too clingy.”

This time Donghae turned to look at Hyukjae too suddenly, not giving the older one enough time to look away. “Is this the reason you still choose to distance yourself from me? Not open up? Because I’m too clingy? Or do I bother you too much? Or I’m always looking around for your presence, hoping that you’d be standing by my side and not anyone else’s?”

Hyukjae shook his head violently, letting out a frustrated sigh. They were going around in circles now. Donghae was asking him the same questions over and over again, yet Hyukjae had no answers to any of them. Maybe he WAS a coward. Maybe he really didn’t deserve Donghae’s love. 

So he chose the one thing he shouldn’t have chosen. 

“Now that you’re finally asking the questions Donghae. Here’s the answer. YES!” Hyukjae raised his voice all of a sudden and Donghae was taken aback, shrinking into the side of the couch subconsciously. Hyukjae had never hated himself more as he did in that moment, “OF COURSE YOU ARE CLINGY! There is no concept of personal space with you! You want to share every single thing on your mind as if the other person only has time for you and no life of their own! NOT JUST THAT! You want the other person to spill the contents of their mind in front of you as well as if they have no right to keep things hidden! AND THE BIRTHDAY THING YOU ARE SO BRUISED ABOUT? We meet every other week Donghae! Whether it’s for the DnE show or if it’s for some other group or subunit schedules!” Hyukjae paused and took a deep breath, fidgeting with his fingers as he failed to stop himself from spewing the harsh words at Donghae one after another. He’d chosen to avert his gaze from the younger one’s, he just couldn’t bear looking at him right now, “So what if I ended up missing one or two of your birthdays huh? Is it THAT big of a deal that you want to break us apart? Fine I won’t miss your birthdays ever again? IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU? WILL YOU STAY?”

Hyukjae’s raised voice echoed around the silent apartment and the eerie silence that followed made him shiver, even though it was already April and the weather was warm.

Without looking at Donghae, he sat silently, waiting for an answer. 

What shocked him was that Donghae was crying when he spoke up, “I told you it wasn’t all about the birthdays Hyukjae. But now that you yourself brought it up, let me tell you something. You’ve cancelled your schedules or postponed them or rescheduled them for your friends’ birthdays. Do you want me to start naming all those friends one by one? You took them out, you bought them gifts, you let them share all these precious moments with you on their personal sns too. I never held you back from your friends Hyukjae. I never made you feel suffocated. All I ever asked you was to shoot me a text any time you were about to go somewhere with someone JUST SO I WOULD KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. I never told you not to go out with anyone, or to come back home at a specific time or anything of the sort that would make you feel I was cramping up your personal space. Answer me, did I? DID I, LEE HYUKJAE?”

Hyukjae was astounded. He was left dumbfounded at the way Donghae had raised his voice just at the end, because he NEVER, EVER shouted at anyone in anger. Least of all at Hyukjae. And the fact that he had just addressed him with his full name meant that this was a sign of danger. Had Hyukjae gone too far with his words? 

Donghae changed his