“XOXO,

Your Secret Admirer.” I finish sitting down the letter to look at Hoyoung and Seri. Hoyoung having only just heard the contents. Seri had heard it on the way over.

“And this one was left under your dorm door?” Hoyoung’s eyebrows were raised concern etched on his face glancing towards his girlfriend. Seri nods for me before he’s glancing back at me. “Is that not concerning to you? They know where you live.”

“I guess that depends on who it is.” I fold up the letter returning it to its envelope.

“What does that even mean?” Hoyoung scoffs an incredulous look crossing his face.

I shrug, “I don’t know. I mean if it’s someone close to me it would make sense that they know where I live. I mean you’ve been to my place before, so has Gyehyeon, and Minchan and Dongheon know where I live because of you.”

Hoyoung lets out an exasperated snort, “I see what this is about.” He glances at Seri, and they share a look before chuckling.

“What?” It’s my turn to scoff, crossing my arms over my chest to rest on top of my desk.

“Are you sure you just don’t want it to be one of the people you mentioned?” Hoyoung’s smirk causes me to fight the blush beginning to form on my cheeks.

“I’m just saying there are people who know where I live that it could be!” I say keeping my voice firm.

“Okay well it’s obviously not me.” He gestures towards Seri. “And we all know Gyehyeon has the hots for Saebyeok. So that leaves Minchan and Dongheon.”

“I highly doubt it’s Minchan, he barely has time to do anything outside of studying these days.” Seri hums with a shrug. “He’s way too focused on his upcoming exams.”

I nod, “So that leaves Dongheon.” I shrug nonchalantly. “He makes the most sense anyway, I mean we have kissed after all.”

Hoyoung snorts obnoxiously, “Because of a dare, it’s not like he did it because he was dying to. Plus, you threw up on him right after, let’s be honest he’s the last person it would be.”

Embarrassment burrows in my chest, “Yah, you didn’t have to reopen the wound or anything.”

“Just admit you have a crush on him already.” Hoyoung retorts with a roll of his eyes.

“I don’t!” I harp sending Seri a look to get her to shut him up.

Seri sighs, “Dongheon is to in love with himself to be interested in anyone else. I hate to admit it, Jiahn, but Hoyoung’s right, Dongheon is the least likely person to be behind it.”

I knew this already but hearing it aloud made me upset.

“Which brings me back to my point, is it not concerning that this admirer of yours knows where you live?” Hoyoung glances down at the letter. “I mean it was one thing when you’d find them on your desk but under your door?”

“I don’t know.” I groan if it’s not Dongheon I didn’t care.

The letters started shortly after the semester started a little over a month ago. I was a second semester freshman this term and the letters were initially a confidence boost. They started out cute and I was honestly happy for the attention even if it wasn’t much.

I don’t know when I had tricked myself into thinking it could be Dongheon behind them, but I had and each time I’d get one I’d feel giddy. The truth is I have in fact like Hoyoung said had a crush on said boy for a few months now.

It all started last semester because of Hoyoung, and Gyehyeon I got invited to a small party at Minchan and Yeonho’s place. There weren’t many people there, but I knew them all because of Hoyoung and Gyehyeon. However, I wasn’t close with them, so I did what I thought would make me likable. I drank.

The truth or dare game was initially setup for Gyehyeon and Saebyeok and Hoyoung and Seri. Sober me knew of the plan to try and get the two sets together. But tipsy me was much too focused on making sure I never turned down a truth or dare.

One dare had me downing two shots of pure alcohol and me having not been a huge drinker before was slowly on the way to being wasted. It’s embarrassing to think about now how all over the place I was.

I hadn't even noticed the nature of the dares slowly turned from drinking related ones to romance. That is until suddenly Seri is leaning over my lap to plant her lips on Hoyoung who sat on the other side of me.

It was weird seeing your childhood friend of many years kissing a girl that close but damn I really had a front row seat to it unwillingly. Drunk me didn’t care. I was happy for Hoyoung because he truly liked Seri a lot. And Seri, well she was the nicest person I ever met. So, for it to be her that Hoyoung likes was a dream come true.

As a girl whose best friend is a guy the only thing you hope for the most is that his future significant other likes you too. It just to lose out on a friend because of that. And I really don’t know what I’d do with Hoyoung or Gyehyeon. They’ve both been with me since I can remember. It would be weird if they suddenly were just up and gone.

So maybe I was too happy about the kiss that had just ended in front of me. Because the next thing I knew I am teasing the both of them, asking them when the wedding was.

Stupid drunk me didn’t notice the evil smirk on Minchan’s face from across the circle. “Is it my turn?” Minchan asks Seri as I keep playfully elbowing Hoyoung in the ribs winking towards him.

“Yeah, it is.”

“Jiahn, since you like to tease so much about kissing, I’ve got a dare for you.” Minchan grins wide and drunk me seems to not understand that it’s not a good sign to see.

I smile back, “I’ll do anything!” I send him the thumbs up, and he chuckles.

He nods, “Oh anything, perfect.” He brings his hand to his lips amused. “I dare you to kiss Dongheon.”

The words hit me a few seconds after he finished, and I tilt my head to the side. Dongheon? My eyes follow everyone’s gaze to said boy, his eyes were wide as he places a hand on his chest. “Me? Why me?” He speaks up.

Minchan shrugs smugly, “Just felt appropriate is all. You haven’t had a good dare yet.”

Dongheon glances at me and yeah, sober me would not have crossed that circle to kiss a boy I barely knew but drunk me happily crossed it even if Hoyoung and Gyehyeon spoke up against it. I stop in front of Dongheon who is forced to lean back to look up at me, his eyes are wide with surprise at me and my eagerness.

Up close I realized Dongheon was cute, or maybe that was just my drunken mind fooling me to believe that. His black hair was neatly parted down the middle of his forehead and his lips were pink. I take a deep breath, eyes meeting his once again.

“Hi, I’m Kim Jiahn.” I smile waving innocently. “I’m going to kiss you now, okay?”

His lips form into a ‘O’ as I lean down planting my lips on his. It must’ve been awkward for him and everyone witnessing it. But drunk me felt like I had done well, he had in fact reciprocated after a few seconds so that had to mean something, right?

Maybe it was also again just because I was drunk but the kiss made me feel lightheaded and my stomach was spinning. After a few seconds I pull back due to how intensely my stomach was churning. As I pull back the spinning of the room causes me to become nauseous and it hits me so bad that I’m throwing up down the front of Dongheon’s shirt. I hear him and a few others gasp at what was happening.

As I pull back seeing the disgusted look on his face I start crying. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just got really dizzy!” I feel hands under my armpits pulling me up and away from him. As I’m pulled away Dongheon looks up at me and then back down to his mess of a shirt and lap. “Please don’t hate me!”

The next day I was mortified, and I didn’t want to go to class. If it weren’t for Seri dragging me to class, I wouldn’t have gone. I feared running into him. I feared ever seeing him again.

When I do finally see him, he doesn’t say anything, he barely sends me a glance sitting down in his usual seat near the front. I felt relieved, I thought that maybe he would freak out on me and then everyone in class would know what happened. That I made such a fool of myself in front of my friends.

“See you’re fine.” Seri murmurs under her breath. “Now breathe or your face is going to turn blue.”

I was antsy all throughout class, my eyes kept finding their way over to Dongheon’s side profile. Would he say anything after class?

He doesn’t but I’m on edge for the rest of the day. Hoyoung shows up to mine and Seri’s dorm and can tell I’m still messed up about. He tells me Dongheon is fine and that I shouldn’t worry about it. He also tells me that Dongheon is not the type to confront someone and that he’s a mellow guy.

In the weeks after the incident Dongheon and I appear around each other more, after all we were in the same friend group. However, even though we were the incident was never brought up again. Not even our mutual friends brought it up. He even talks with me occasionally like it never happened in the first place.

All of that ends up with me developing a crush on him. At first, it’s so small that I passed it off as just thinking he was cute, but it quickly became apparent it was more than that. If he was in the same vicinity as me, I knew it, it was like my body knew it, the hairs on my body standing tall whenever he was around.

I refused to let anybody know of my budding crush and I thought I was successful in doing so until today. It seems both Hoyoung and Seri are aware. I only hoped Dongheon himself wasn’t.

Which brings me back to my point, if the letters weren’t being written by him, I didn’t want them. If they weren’t being written by him then honestly, they were a bit creepy if I thought about it.

A few of them had went into detail about the shape and color of my lips and eyes. One of the reasons I felt like it could be Dongheon since he had seen them up close because of the kiss. One of the letters even went into detail about how good I smelled. So, the person has obviously been close enough to smell me.

“Don’t know what?” Speak of the devil, the hairs on my arm raise as I hear the chair beside me being drug out from under the table. Goosebumps slowly form on my skin as I turn to face Dongheon. My eyes quickly dart away to Gyehyeon who is sitting down across from me. The two of them must’ve been together.

Gyehyeon’s eyes land on the envelope atop the table and he gasps reaching for it, “Another one, didn’t you get the last one two days ago?”

“What’s that?” Dongheon asks as Gyehyeon opens it to read it.

Gyehyeon’s eyes raise over the letter to eye Dongheon, “A letter from Jiahn’s secret admirer.”

Hoyoung scoffs, “More like stalker.”

“Stalker?” Dongheon says voice seeming concerned.

“Oh, come on, they’ve been harmless love letters so far, I’d hardly call the person a stalker.” Gyehyeon laughs eyes dropping back to the letter’s contents.

“Except she found that one under our dorm door today.” Seri informs Gyehyeon who pauses eyes darting back to her.

His eyebrows furrow and he’s quickly looking over towards me. “Seriously?” He sits the letter back down and Dongheon is pulling it towards him to read it himself.

I nod slowly, “Yeah.”

“That’s concerning.” Gyehyeon hums bringing his elbows up to rest atop the table cracking his fingers in thought.

“Thank you, I’m not the only one who finds this all concerning.” Hoyoung exclaims placing his fist down hard on the table.

“Hey, I agreed with you.” Seri pouts and Hoyoung pats her head smiling towards her.

“As concerning as it is there’s nothing I can do about it, I don’t know who it is and honestly this is the only time they’ve overstepped.” I glance over at Dongheon as he sits the letter back down. I grab it returning it to the envelope.

“You think this is the only time they’ve overstepped?” Gyehyeon snorts. “Last week there was an entire letter dedicated to how pretty your lips were and how much you smell like white gardenias.”

I open my mouth to reply but pause my words getting stuck in my throat as Dongheon leans in closer to me. He hums pulling back eyes darting up to mine, “You do smell good. Is that what white gardenias smell like?”

“Yes. It’s my shampoo.” I manage to mutter out quickly turning my gaze back to Gyehyeon who is sharing a roll of his eyes with Hoyoung.

“Anyway, I guess now that you say it like that it is a bit more concerning.” I sigh glancing down at the envelope.

Hoyoung hums thankful I seem to finally be realizing things are a bit weird about the whole thing. “Thankfully you don’t live alone, Seri is there.”

Yeah, except for the nights she stays at his place. But I didn’t want to seem annoying, so I keep that thought to myself.

“Enough about me. Gyehyeon, so are you and Saebyeok dating or not?”

-

The next morning, I wake up to Seri leaning over my bed a letter dangling between her fingers. “Looks like you got another.”

I groan sitting up taking it from between her fingers as she flops down on my bed. “Honestly, I don’t even want to read it. I was only reading them up until this point because I thought maybe it could be Dongheon behind them.”

Seri smiles sadly towards me, “I can confirm its not him.” She rests her head back against the wall. “Well, him, Gyehyeon, or Hoyoung. They were all at Dongheon’s place last night and they’ve been at the gym all morning playing basketball.” Her eyes dart down to the letter. “The letter wasn’t there when I got into the shower but was when I got out. So, whoever it was came after the boys were already at the gym.”

I sigh leaning back against my headboard. “I mean I kind of already figured it wasn’t him based off of his reaction to it yesterday.” I chew on my lip. “No, actually I think I always knew it wasn’t him. I was just fooling myself to not feel as pitiful as I do.” I glance down at her. “You don’t think he knows I like him, do you?”

She shakes her head, “No he’s dense as hell.”

I scoff, “He’s one of the smarter people in our class.”

She laughs, “He’s dense when it comes to things like this. Of course, he’s smart in class, he loves science.”

I groan, “Speaking of science, ugh, I have to go to tutoring today.”

“Ew. Gross.” She chuckles moving to get up from bed. “I’m meeting up with the boys for lunch, want to join us?”

I shake my head, “No, thanks for offering though.”

I didn’t need another reminder that it wasn’t Dongheon.

-

I find myself at my usual corner of the library sitting across from my tutor Juyoung and two of the other students he tutors Yiyong and Minjung. Juyoung was a senior at university in the same major as me that my professor recommended to me. Yiyong was also a senior, in the semester above me but in the same class as me. Minjung was a first semester freshman in a different science class but still able to get help from Juyoung. Juyoung was currently helping Minjung with a problem, so my attention was on my paper but not really at the same time.

My phone buzzes drawing my attention to it, it’s a message from Seri.

 

From: Seri [11:04AM]

You sure you don’t want to come eat with us? Dongheon went back to his place to shower so he won’t be here.

 

I appreciated her trying to include but I really didn’t want to be lectured by the boys today too.

 

To: Seri [11:06AM]

Thanks, but I’ll be in tutoring for longer than usual so go ahead without me.

 

I sit my phone back down my focus broken completely.

Juyoung’s fingers snapping in front of my face draw my attention out of my dazed state. “Earth to Jiahn.”

“Sorry.” I murmur embarrassed noticing all three of them are staring at me now that Juyoung has pointed out my spaciness.

“What’s up with you today? You haven’t answered one question correctly yet.” He glances at my paper.

I shrug, “Todays just not my day.”

“Uh-oh trouble in paradise?” He smirks, swirling his pencil around his fingers. He raises an eyebrow, “Boy trouble, perhaps?”

My eyes slightly widen, how did he guess?

“Oh, I’m right, aren’t I?” He cheers to himself. “Who’s got my star pupil all pouty?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Obviously not if you can’t do a simple science problem you’ve done a million times before today.” He hums pencil pointing to number 1 on the sheet.

I click my tongue. “I’m just being a baby. The guy I like doesn’t like me back is all.”

Juyoung snorts, “His loss then. There are a ton of other guys out there, Jiahn. You’re also young, you’ll meet someone else in the future that will like you back. It’s not the end of the world.” He taps his pencil on the paper. “You however, don’t want to be in the same science again in the future, do you? I’m sure you’d love to stop seeing my face every Friday afternoon.”

I sheepishly nod, “Yeah sorry I’ll focus now.”

-

“You guys seriously aren’t going?” I whine through the phone as the bus stops down the street from Juyoung’s place.

“No sorry, Jiahn, I heard from Minchan that Juyoung’s parties are always chaotic. He claims one day it’ll be busted. I can’t afford that on my school record, neither can Hoyoung.” Gyehyeon sighs through the phone.

“First Seri bails on me and now you two do too.” I run a hand through my hair staring as people walked past me into Juyoung’s apartment complex. I don’t know why I agreed to come now. I feel out of place, Juyoung’s family and friends were all well off and I was not. I wore middle class very obviously compared to some people waltzing into the fancy complex.

“I’m sorry.”

“I just wish you had something before I got here.” I was a bit peeved at that. They had to know they weren’t going fifteen minutes ago. They could’ve told me.

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever, I have to go since I’m here, bye.” I hang up slipping my phone into my pocket. With a sigh I take off into the lobby of the apartment.

I enter the code given to me through text to the apartment and enter. There were a lot of people here, which I don’t know why I’m surprised, Juyoung was well liked across campus. Which is also why I immediately feel out of place.

Walking down the hall I recogni