The space between mojito and cigarette.

“I heard you call my name.”

To love is to eat.

“You. . . Always come when it’s easy for you.”

Tapping on his silver plated heart. Tapping with knives and forks.

“I needed time. How about you?”

Irresistible like whipped cream on a strawberry.

“How about me? I hated you. Cursed you. Regretted you. And missed you.”

To be inside is paradise.

“Karina, I don’t know what I’m doing. My head’s a mess — I can’t forget you no matter how hard I try.”

Decor shibari figurines made by candle wax. Diamond choker glinting in the purple light. Desire that knows no bounds.

“How shameless. You’re incredible, Jeno. You made your decision, why can’t you live with it?”

A narcissist hiding in romanticist’s clothing.

“Because I can’t live without you. And I know you can’t live without me.”

The scent of heavy peppermint oil mixed with Dior eau de parfum.

“Don’t. . . Talking about complicated situations like this is annoying. Just stay with me tonight. That’s all I’m asking of you. . . Please.”

Eyes that are beautiful and black and full of glittering attraction shine on her.

“Come here.”

And she bloomed for him pretty and pink as a peony. But her heart bled like an angry scarlet rose.

Observing Jeno’s peaceful sleeping expression enchanted in pearlescent beams by the moonlight becomes Karina’s nighttime routine again. Sedated by alcohol and nicotine, her pale hand lovingly caresses his iridescent cheekbone, fox-like eyes admiring his otherworldly beauty in silent contemplation.

Take him and have him for yourself. Then you’ll see that winning isn’t everything.

Wendy was wrong, Karina idly mulls over the elder’s last remark, What was she pretending to be cool about? Maybe she anticipated Jeno begging her back and forsaking Karina, that he wouldn’t just bug off without a fight until he got tired of the constant rejection. The idea irks Karina a tad bit. Lately, she only feels victorious after having a couple of glasses to drink. To be honest, she’s unable to remember much of what happens these days and she can’t recall certain events without difficulty.

What did her and Jeno talk about today? What did they do this morning? How long has she been hiding out at his place? Did she even call home? Remembering is a great effort. Her mind is murky in muddled pain and denial. Without even realizing it, her fingers clasp around an unopened bottle of rose champagne on the nightstand. She takes a languid swig and studies Jeno pensively. Envy tinges her turmoil at his ability to sleep so well. There’s no sincerity, no warmth, but just aimless passion. A memorized, daily thrill that leaves her empty and impatient. At a point in time, she wore his love bites more proudly than medals from chess competitions — at one point, being sweetly deceived was enough. Now, disgust and yearning conflict in her head and heart. Having him back should feel more earth-shattering than this. All she can do is confine the oppressed worries in more alcohol. Just a few more glasses and she’ll be able to sleep.

At one point, being sweetly deceived was enough.

“You cut your hair,” Are the first words that escape Jeno’s mouth when he sees Wendy for the first time in a month. Her voluminous, chestnut colored locks have been chopped off for a shoulder-length, layered shaggy wolf cut. Time made her only more charming and beautiful, even under the dim lighting of the moderately buzzing bar she radiates exceptionally. Belatedly, the 23-year-old offers him an embarrassed smile as he slides into the empty barstool next to her.

Too much time has passed. Jeno wonders what made her finally agree to meet him after so many unanswered attempts.

“Hello to you as well,” Wendy’s warm voice spills over him like summer moonlight and he’s basking in all the golden days of their relationship after. “Long time no see, Jeno.”

Of course,Wendy is always Wendy. Amiable and sunny and welcoming. He thinks of a pinwheel toy he used to play with as a child. The bravery and innocence he had then was a safety blanket he wishes he never let go of.

“I was afraid you’d never see me again,” He quietly admits over the murmuring jazz music on the overhead speakers.

Wendy hums and drums her fingers against the lacquered bar surface for a while. Her rhythm easily falls in step with the jazzy beats and admiring her so closely is dazzlingly mesmerizing. Jeno doesn’t even need to drink as his whole senses become intoxicated. “How have you been?”

“Are you still seeing Karina?” She retorts breezily, still humming along to the melody.

Jeno falters slightly, brows furrowing. “Let’s not talk about her right now.”

“I want to talk about her. Did you guys smoke together? Or maybe go drinking, too?” Wendy sighs out then shoots him a teasing glance. “You two probably did a lot of things the two of us didn’t do together.”

He takes a moment to get over his flustered reaction. Her tenderness isn’t as puzzling, that’s just how she is. Wendy was always the one to break the ice and make the mood. Jeno follows the line of her nape, down to the skin on her elbows, and finally her neatly trimmed nails. Against his will, rouge tints his cheeks. “Me and her are comfortable with each other.”

Wendy nods slowly, taking everything in. “Why didn’t you properly date her?”

“Noona. . .”

She waves him off with a laugh, moving on to scanning the drinks menu. “Is it tacky to order soju at the bar? What do you recommend?”

“Noona, you should order something nonalcoholic.”

“Are you going to nag me like the old days?” Wendy chuckles in a good natured manner. Jeno only drowns in more uneasiness in her easygoingness. “Too bad, I’m going to get something totally strong. Hmm, how about a whiskey cocktail?”

His midnight eyes flicker. Mysteriously. Sorrowfully. “Don’t get dark liquor.”

“Since we’re no longer dating, I don’t have to consider your opinion anymore,” She says it so nicely he’d rather swallow poison than continue like this — they both end up settling on tall mojitos filled with too much ice and mint garnish.

“I hate drinking like acquaintances who have no past.” Jeno says after Wendy has her first sip. Her earthy brown eyes look into his hurt gaze for the first time all night. Her gentle stare almost deludes him into thinking she’ll piece his heart together. To think he’ll never know the language of her heart again. . .  Shameless, shameless, shameless. Everything is a bad dream. “Being civil right now is driving me crazy more than anything. I thought you’d yell at me or something. Tell me why you agreed to come out tonight. . . Is this the last time you’ll ever see me?”

Wendy takes a fourth sip of her drink while Jeno is still on his second. “Ah, sitting here drinking and listening to jazz music feels so decadent. And heart-wrenchingly intimate.” She sighs into a sadder smile. “The day you asked me to be your girlfriend was the most beautiful day of my life. It was raining, and we were sharing an umbrella like those couples in dramas. I didn’t think you actually noticed me back then, you were shy and spoke so little. . . Now, I look back at that day and regret saying yes to you.”

“Wendy—”

“Loving you was my biggest happiness, Jeno. I loved you as natural as breathing, and I thought you loved me like you couldn’t live without me too.”

“I still can’t!” Jeno says hurriedly, placing a palm over her hand. “It’s different — I’m different. I’m not going to betray you or break your trust again. Can’t. . . You find it in yourself to forgive me? I’m begging you, Wendy.”

“Have you ever even said to me the words I’m sorry?” Wendy stares at his hand on top of hers. Belatedly, she removes her hand from his. “You never said I regret it or It was a mistake. I don’t even think you know what to apologize for. I actually respect Karina for telling me — although it was with the wrong intentions — she was more honest than you were. . . You just protect yourself until the end. How despicable is that?”

“I was wrong—”

“Why did you do it? Why did you cheat on me?”

“I. . . I don’t know how to explain it.”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

Jeno heaves a deep sigh. “I need to organize my thoughts, I don’t want my words to come out the wrong way—”

“It doesn’t matter. The worst already happened.”

“. . .”

“Do you love her?”

“. . .”

“Did you feel insecure about us?”

“. . .”

“I feel sensitive and frustrated when you do this.” Her empty glass sets against the lacquered bar surface harshly. Gone was her carefree, patient demeanor. Now, it’s all blurry turbulence, silent yells, and blood-covered mythology. “You cheated on me and won’t talk? Won’t apologize or own up to your actions but want to get back together? You. . . Sent me so many calls and texts to come here and be mute?”

Jeno’s reaching hand gets smacked away in her simmering heat. “Wendy, please. I called you to forgive me—”

“What did you do to be forgiven for?? That’s what I’m asking you! I’m begging you to communicate and explain your side of the story, so I can get some kind of closure—”

“I don’t want closure!” Jeno revels in livid, newfound wrath. The vein in his jaw pops and people start looking at them in gossiping interest. “I want to work on you and me and move past this! But why do you keep focusing on the wrong things? Why do you keep bringing up Karina when I’m with you now??”

“Because you’re still together with her!” Wendy exclaims like it’s the most obvious answer to his question. She’s actually reeling in disbelief, laughing incredulously. “How am I supposed to feel!? How was I supposed to react to you walking out on me!? I’m even here trying to understand your mind better instead of leaving you on read!”

“I know, I know,” Jeno calms down, placing both his hands on her shoulders to placate her. “I’m sorry. It was the biggest sin I committed against you and I shouldn’t have done that to you. I’m nothing without you. I miss you to the point where I can’t get through the day sober because the pain is killing me on the inside. I don’t know myself either, can’t recognize my face in the mirror. I feel like I’m going insane each day I’m not with you. Don’t you feel it, too? I can tell you can’t stop thinking about me either.”

“You just need me to need you!” Wendy shoves him off so hard he falls onto his back and his stool knocks over to the floor. The commotion immediately causes gasps and Wendy storms off into the back alley outside. She barely gets another step in when Jeno spins her around and roughly pins her to the brick wall. She meets his pleading look with tears running down her pale cheeks.

“You’re right. I need you to need me,” He feels like he might cry himself. “Is that so wrong? You’re still not over me, you’re in love with me so why give up on us!?”

“Jeno, I can’t be paranoid in a relationship with you for the rest of my life!” She heatedly throws back, invisible chains tightening around her heart. “You are dangerous, you are poisonous, and a threat to my happiness. You don’t make me happy, you just break me down. I just. . . Want some peace. You need some peace. You’re not ready to be with someone, Jeno. From what I can understand, you just need to be with you right now. You don’t have the right to go around breaking hearts just because you’re at war with yourself. I tried to be perfect for you, I was there for you every time you was frustrated, hurt, or anxious. I was your biggest supporter and that meant nothing to you. You play with love and destroy it like it’s a toy. Why do you deserve love when you don’t know what to do with it?”

Jeno shakes his head frantically. “I deserve your love—

“Are you kidding me? Shame on you, Lee Jeno.”

“I can’t let you go.”

“I find you disgusting.”

“You love me. Tell me you love me.”

They’re going in circles and Wendy’s exhausted. She thinks she’s being shameless too, she shouldn’t have met him tonight. “Please don’t do this. I can’t do this with you anymore, Jeno. Y-You broke my heart, and you’re breaking it again.”

Jeno cups the sides of her face tenderly, urging her to look into his wounded expression. “So let me fix it. Let me in. I . . . I always wanted to be with you, you know that. Do you think I could be with someone else? Karina. . . She’s. . She’s hard to explain, that’s why I can’t say much. But you’re my world.”

“Am I supposed to accept that?” Her voice cracks painfully as she whispers. “That’s not enough for me. I don’t know you and clearly you don’t know me.”

“Stop it, please. Can’t we just work it out? I’m begging you,” He softly kisses her forehead and her chin trembles. As he kisses lower and lower down the side of her face, she can feel all their warm memories emitting like a light within herself. There were good times and there were bad times. There were times so unforgiving like ice, but hot times so intense she nearly burned up. Their love was so ecstatic, romantic, dizzying, and mouthwateringly sweet so how could she be the only one hurt? Dumbfounded — this whole situation is dumbfounding. Afraid, she doesn’t kiss Jeno back when his lips touch hers. She doesn’t want to live the pain, it’s still hard seeing him at the end of her heart. Crimson blooms in the apples of her cheek when his fingers graze against her emerald earring. Skin to skin. His rosebud lips feed another kiss into her parted mouth, a sigh of bliss escaping between them. Unable to resist, she allows him to slip his hands beneath her shirt where he raises chills across her torso. She entangles a hand in his hair and he shivers deliciously into her body. His indecent touches sends heat coursing through her system and she hates how much she craves his kisses — kisses that feel like he’s eating her alive. They inhale each other, devour each other, and become each other.

“Enough. We’ve done enough,” Wendy says against his lips wet with her tears, she pushes him away with the last bit of strength she has. He’s staring at her as if this isn’t his fault. Thanks to him, she now knows how sour sweetness can taste. It was all beautiful once. “This is good-bye Jeno. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel lonely or like you had to step out of what we had. But I don’t want to see you again. I just want to forget you ever happened. So, let’s just end this, say our farewells, and go our separate ways.”

Jeno’s gazing at her so tentatively she’s scared she might give in. Might fall into those honeyed eyes full of yearning, desire, and meaning. This time, she lets him fall into her and he melts so warmly against her body. He’s sobbing into her shoulder and like a dull joke, she finds herself comforting him. Like the old routine. And yet they fit so perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle. 

“Why haven’t you asked how I’ll be after this breakup?” She sounds so miserable to her own ears.

“You’re strong,” He sniffles into her collar. “You’ll be fine without me.”

Amazingly, she feels enlightened all at once.

Strong people who don’t break.

Strong people who get back up no matter how many times they get kicked down.

Strong people who can go anywhere in life and still have a heart made of resilient gold.

Strong people who don’t need anyone or need to be needed by anyone.

And then those who are frightened by strong people. Was it truly love? Not fascination, or protection? Everything starts to fall into place and make sense. Wendy knows it now. And a part of her is at peace despite Jeno crying so desperately in her arms. Was she insane? Even for a brief moment?

No, Wendy believes, I was in love.

Although it’s all about perspective, one person was in love and one person was giving all they’ve got.

When smoking a cigarette, or having a drink, being sweetly deceived was enough.

Admiring a butterfly is enough. Lying is enough. Making love feels good too. Searching the night sky for stars feels thrilling. Making eye contact is even more thrilling. Being spoiled is addicting. Sometimes, sadness seeps in like sugary nectar. And sometimes, alcohol keeps the sadness at bay. Why do we do the things that we do?

At the end of her heart, Wendy sees Jeno.

Crying, laughing, getting jealous, comforting each other. A refracting kaleidoscope of fragile human emotions. Loving is tiresome. So. . .

At one point, being sweetly deceived was enough.