Chapter 4: Unknowingness

*** 

Jongin was still a kid that know nothing about the meaning of divorce when his parents decided to go their own separate ways. Both of them had an equal right to the custody of the child, but Kim Jongin stayed with Mrs. Kim while his father flew to a foreign country to begin a new life.   

He was too young to be his mother’s emotional support. In the first year of separation, she would get herself busy and throw tantrums whenever she felt depressed over the ruined marriage life she was facing.   

Back then, she thought of having a kid was partly what ruined her career and her freedom when she was at the peak of her success of being a top-notch attorney. She had to limit and restrain herself from going all out to do her job the way she usually did after she had Jongin. That was the moment things became frustrating for her, re-running the same fight with her husband almost every day because of her workaholic habit, and sadly their marriage was doomed to end in divorce. She admitted her fault, loving her job more than her family, causing her own son to grow distant later on and never show any warmth side towards her.   

Then, Kyungsoo's existence in the family brought new hope to her for being a good mother. Never she had thought, an innocent, pitiful boy who lost both of his parents at such a young age was able to change everything. The boy's arrival brought a new light to their household.  

She still remembered the day when she received a call from one of her relatives, informing her of the sudden death of her best friend and her partner in a car crash. The couple left their precious child orphaned, who was the same age as Jongin. It was during the funeral when she spotted the little boy with a pair of wide and adorable eyes, standing next to his poor and old grandma who wept for the tragic loss of her daughter and son-in-law.   

Mrs. Kim noticed how the boy looked so lost and clueless as he looked at the attendees who came to the funeral home to give their last respect. The boy would only stare back with teary eyes at his parents' photos hung on the stand for the memorial - couldn’t get a fuller grasp of the situation. But still could understand his parents' absence at the moment - they won't come back anymore.   

That moment hit Mrs. Kim hard. She suddenly thought of Jongin.  

What if, the one that sat next to his old grandma who was crying her heart out due to the loss was her little boy? What the kid at such an age could do to survive life's difficulties without his parents anymore? 

Thinking about that made Mrs. Kim realize, the importance of parental love even though she was showered with enough love since kid, and that was what made her now. How could she be selfish to neglect her own son then? Parent’s love was the root of the kid’s well-being.   

That day, she went home and straightly looked for Jongin who was already asleep in his room alone, after having his dinner prepared by their live-in maid. She sat near the bed and leaned to kiss his head and muttered endless apologies lowly, not wanting to wake the little boy up.   

But her son didn’t really react to his mother's affection like any other kid, since he had already grown unattached to anyone. After a few months, worrying something seemed wrong with Jongin, she took him for consultation with a clinical psychologist. The result showed the boy was diagnosed with mild alexithymia.   

Jongin had developed emotional distance due to his post-traumatic stress disorder, lacked of focus given to him since he was a toddler turned him to have difficulty identifying and expressing his feelings and emotions. It could happen to few children, unable to have emotional literacy developed naturally. However, it could be learned and developed.  

Also, Mrs. Kim couldn’t forget the round-eyed boy at the funeral even a few months had passed, who looked so resilient and yet desolate. The little Do Kyungsoo who managed to open her heart away, built into her the ability to give her love to her own child, and she feels the need to do the same for the boy too. That was when she decided to go through a long process to adopt the boy into her small family. At the same time, thinking it would be good for Kim Jongin's upbringing for having someone the same age as him to be around. It could cure his symptom of emotional unawareness and lack of social attachment. Maybe, that round-eyed boy could be the healer for her Jongin.   

*  

A year passed since Do Kyungsoo came into her family. The boy was bright and too well-mannered that melted her heart immediately, and yet worried her too. She doubted if Kyungsoo was really happy as he appeared since he started living with them, or if he was still unable to adapt to the change that happened in his life. The boy barely expressed his feelings openly too, had always been self-reserved and self-resilient - seemed could not turn to her with his troubles. How odd for her to wish Kyungsoo to come to her with some troubles sometimes. The boy was really a model of the perfect son that she ever wished for.   

But there was another issue that arose. Mrs. Kim noticed how gradually her son changed due to Do Kyungsoo’s company. Despite it being a good influence, that little boy seemed gradually grow on Kim Jongin more than she had expected.  

“I don’t’ want to go to school. I just want to be with Kyungie!” Jongin made a fuss one day.  

Mrs. Kim heaved a huge sigh seeing the boy who stubbornly refused to get into the car when she wanted to drive him to school. They were both already late, and she had to deal with her kid’s refusal behavior that morning.  

“Then what are you going to be when you grow up? People need good knowledge to live happily and comfortably. You’ve already skipped school yesterday. You can’t miss another day.” That was a very typical way to explain to her kid the importance of education. Mrs. Kim was at a loss, seeing how stubborn the boy was, always had something inside his small head to refute. The thought just led her to think of the resemblance of the boy to her husband.  

“I just need to be with Kyungie to live happily and comfortably!”   

“What the-” Mrs. Kim couldn’t even finish her rant as the boy retorted and run to get into the house back, looking for his other half that was sleeping soundlessly due to a high fever. Kyungsoo had to skip school, as prescribed by a doctor to fully recover. And Jongin refused to go since the other boy was at home, and nowhere near him. How his world just revolved around Do Kyungsoo at that time.  

And Mrs. Kim was always at a loss. But still, she felt glad ever since Jongin started to show some development in showing his emotions, even though his attention was only directed to one person.   

*  

“Mom, what is love? Is it the same as how I like to eat chicken every day?” Jongin asked his mother one day.   

Mrs. Kim stopped from jotting something down on her paperwork and chuckled at the nine years old Kim Jongin’s theory. She was on the couch with her notebook while her son sprawled out on the carpeted floor with some crayons, engrossed in his coloring book. Kyungsoo was already dozed off and fell asleep next to him, tired after playing and running around the house that evening.   

“Love is different for thing and a person. How to say... love for the thing is something you love to do or eat, and love for a person is the feeling you have towards someone you like to be with the rest of your life.” She simply put it, without much thought, thinking her son must question it from what he learned or heard at school.    

“Is that all?”   

“Hmm… also when you willing to do and give everything to keep that person happy. You feel happy