(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the
love that remains".

 

 

 

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I always believed that people don't fall out of love. Every factor that may cause it is fixable. Fights, misunderstandings, contradicting opinions, miscommunication -- all these small factors could turn into something big, but will still be fixed with love. 

 

 

After all, love endures everything. 

 

 

It's the foundation of the relationship, it's the reason why two people come together as a couple, why they stay and put up with each other. Because of love. 
 

 

Love is, patient. 
 

 

It is unfailing. 

 

 

But how could it be a reason for two people to fall apart, and eventually end up hurting each other? 
 

 

"Do you believe that falling out of love is possible?" 
 

 

Seulgi puts down her mug after a sip, staring at me with those serious glances as if I asked a question that shouldn't be asked. 

 

"You're so random, babe." she said, wiping the side of her lips with a piece of tissue. 

 

 

"Naisip ko lang. I had a similar discussion with a client of mine earlier, and I want to know your thoughts about it, too." 
 

 

 

"Ah, that one client with a failed relationship?" 

 

 

I answered with a nod. 

 

 

She sipped from her coffee one more time before looking at me intently. 
 

 

Here comes my serious girlfriend. 

 

 

"Do you remember what our friend would always tell us?" 
 

 

I softly chuckled, "Which friend?" earning an eye roll afterward. 

 

 

"Silly, sino pa ba? Edi si Jennie." 

 

"Ang dami niya lagi sinasabi. So alin doon?" 

 

 

Tanong ko, attentively waiting for an answer from her. 

 

 

"That when you love someone, you should love despite, not because." 

 

"Ahh, that.." I smiled, "Yan nga ang favorite ko out of all she said sa atin." 

 

 

She nodded her head. "There are things -- red flags, as the younger people would call it, na hindi natin makikita sa partner natin during the early stage of the relationship. These red flags, once visible, could be a reason for fights, misunderstandings, and a lot more." 

 

 

"Uh-huh. Agreed. Everyone would want the first stage to look perfect, although we're not." 

 

 

"Exactly. Kasi nga, you're pursuing the person pa lang, eh. You want them to fall for you, hard. Pero later on, they will show you who they really are, kasi they're comfortable enough na." 

 

 

It makes sense naman. I remember talking to Jennie about this, especially when Seulgi and I were just starting. 

 

People won't show you their red flags during the beginning of the relationship. You will only be surprised once the relationship is established. Ang dami pa lang red flags, they were just hiding behind the green flags you initially saw. 

 

"So.. remember that one word na lagi din niya sinasabi?" 

 

I nodded. "Compromise." 

 

"Those couples who fell out of love, kaya nag break, probably didn't know the importance of compromising when in a relationship. They probably let their differences get into them, grew tired of it until it eventually tainted their relationship kaya they decided to end it na lang." 

 

"So.. it's possible?" 

 

"To others, maybe? But I don't really believe in it. Kasi I believe that all problems are fixable. As long as, of course, you want it to be fixed." 

 

I just smiled at my girlfriend then took a sip from my coffee. We're fond of discussing serious things during breakfast, and this is where I find her most attractive. 

 

Her perspectives in life, her y brain, and even her serious face while explaining her thoughts are making me fall for her even more -- even when it's been 8 years. 

 

"One more thing, babe." 

 

"Hmm?" 

 

"Remember your favorite line?" 

 

I smiled at her while forming the words in my head. There is another thing we both learned from our love guru, 

 

"If you chose that person, you have to keep on choosing them every day."

 

"And love them despite, not because." 

 

She nodded as she tucks a strand of my hair into my left ear. 

 

The answer to my question, then.. 

 

"Falling out of love is possible, but I don't believe in it." she gave out a large smile. "And I will never fall out of love, kasi I want this to be permanent, Hyun." 

 

 

"Eight years and you still think this is only temporary?" 

 

 

"Nililinaw ko lang." 
 

 

 

We both hated it. The idea, the excuse that other people would say when they break up. Kasi, we both believe that it is a lame excuse. 
 

If you really love your partner, you won't grow tired of them, you won't stop loving them. 

 

 

I've had this belief, for a long time. We have already established a deep foundation for our relationship and it won't easily be torn apart. We are sure of each other and promise that we will never fall out of love. We'll fight, but we'll strive to fix it. 
 

 

Because we chose each other. And we want to keep on choosing each other. We have to. 

 

 

Life, however, had other plans. 

 

 

"Good morning.," I softly said as she sits in front of me, in her usual spot on the table. 

"Morning." 

 

I tried so hard not to show a smirk. It has been like this for days, no -- for weeks, actually. We've been like this for a long time that I've lost track of how long it has been. 
 

 

It's saddening. It's like something that I have been preventing from happening, but it hunts me. It hunts us. 

 

 

"Full ang sched mo today?" 
 

 

"Yeah." she briefly answered. 

 

 

"Do you want to have lunch together?" 

 

 

"I'm busy." 

 

 

I guess she felt how stunned I was by her answer that she paused for a while to look at me. I gave her a small, reassuring smile after that. 

 

 

"Sorry. Pagod lang ako." 

 

 

"Kulang tulog mo?" 

 

 

"Yeah." 
 

 

My attempt, to always start a conversation between us always falls into dead air. 
 

 

She sounds uninterested. She simply doesn't care anymore. 

 

 

For a while now, I've been searching for that energy we had when we were just starting. When it was still pure, then. 

 

 

"I have to go na." she didn't even finish her meal.. 

 

 

She stood up, grabbed her coat, and her car keys, wore her shoes, and was about to hold the doorknob when I called her. 

 

 

"You forgot something." she went back to where I was sitting and gave me a peck on the forehead. 

 

 

I smiled, waiting for her to do the same. 

 

 

"I love you.." I softly said. 

 

 

She sighed, "Love you." then proceeded to exit the room. 

 

Since when did it sound this painful? 
 

 

 

I looked in the mirror and watched how her car left the building before proceeding to wash the dishes. Recently has been tough for us - from our work, families, and even our relationship. 
 

 

Everything seems like a part of routine -- including saying the I love yous.   

 

 

I looked at the calendar on my desk, the encircled date distracted me from working. 

 

 

It's our 9th anniversary this weekend. And I'm supposed to be thrilled about it but I feel nothing. 
 

 

This relationship... is it still worth calling a relationship? 
 

 

"Hoy. Tama na ang pag-fantasize mo kay Seulgi. Ano, wala kang plano sagutin mga tanong ko?" 

 

 

I softly chuckled after Jennie's whine, her arms crossed while examining my face. 
 

 

We do video calls each week. Therapists need therapists, too, so Jennie and I meet once each week for that. 

 

"Ha? Ano? You were asking?" 

 

 

"Sabi ko, tama na muna kaka-imagine ng gagawin niyo ni Seulgi mamayang gabi." 

 

 

My face instantly turned red. 

 

 

"Napaka-manyak mo talaga, Irene." 

 

 

"Ang linis linis ng kaluluwa mo, eh 'no?" 
 

 

"So ano na nga, mag kwento ka, bilis!" 

 

 

This girl and her demanding . She won't chill. 

 

 

"Mama, bibi.." I smiled after seeing the toddler at her back, her third child. 

 

 

"Hi, Thraia!" I waved at the baby. 

 

 

"Thalia! Get this little chicken out of my office!" 

 

 

"Napaka harsh mo talaga sa anak mo." 
 

 

 

"Hayaan mo siya. Dun na muna siya sa mga ate niya, chumichika ako dito eh." 
 

 

Jennie.. has always been a good friend to me. We attended school together, passed the licensure exam together, and witnessed each other's relationships. 

 

 

Siya din yung takbuhan ko, especially recently na medyo on the rocks ang relationship namin ni Seulgi. She won't acknowledge it, pero sa nangyayari sa amin ngayon, this relationship of ours is at risk. 

 

 

"Hoy Zaldua.. Sagutin mo ako. Anong problema?"

 

I sighed. We really know each other too well to the point na wala na akong maitatago sa kaniya. 

 

"Nothing.. just.. the past weeks were tough." 

 

 

"Ano nanaman ginawa ni mare?" 

 

 

I looked at her tirelessly, hindi agad masagot ang tanong niya. 

 

 

Seulgi has done nothing wrong. She's too busy with her job in the hospital so she won't have time for other women or other things. Nothing really is wrong, sa aming dalawa. 

 

 

Maybe, it's just that we were too busy to still care for each other and too busy to notice that the fire is no longer burning, it's being dominated by the wind -- almost killing it. 

 

 

"Yung totoo? Hindi ko din alam, Jen. Hindi ko na alam." 
 

 

Jennie knows almost all of my rants and my problems concerning my relationship with Seulgi. Napapadalas kasi ang pag-uusap namin ni Jen tungkol dito. Wala akong ibang mapagsabihan, kundi siya lang, so she's used to seeing me this worried, and she's used to seeing me crying, sometimes. 

 

 

"Ano ba talagang problema? Is she ignoring you? Is she not providing your needs anymore?" 

 

 

I paused for a moment to process her questions. I knew what she meant by that. 
 

 

Napakagat na lang ako sa labi ko nang maalala at marealize kung kailan ang huling... beses na ginawa namin iyon. 

 

 

It's been three months. 
 

 

I get that we're busy, siya, lalo na, dahil sunod sunod ang operations niya sa hospital. She would only come home to sleep and eat, most of the time. Mas mahaba ang panahon niya sa ospital kaysa sa bahay. Ayoko din naman na pilitin siyang gawin iyon, just because I have my needs, because I don't want to make her feel like she's obligated to give me pleasure, through . And most of all, I don't want to deprive her of her sleep just because I'm feeling needy. 
 

 

 

Pero normal pa ba iyon? Para sa isang couple na nakatira sa iisang bubong.. 3 months.. na walang ? 
 

 

"Please, let's not talk about my life. Mine is too lonely compared to yours." 
 

 

Natawa na lang si Jennie. "So ano ang worries mo ngayon? Tingin mo ba may iba?" 

 

 

Cheating... is another thing we loathe. 
 

 

 

For eight years of being together, from long distance, to living in the same house, I've never thought of her as someone who would cheat on me. I trust her. I trust our love.

 

 

"it's worse than that, actually." sagot ko.

 

 

"What's worse than seeing your partner with someone else?" 

 

 

"The fact that you're together, but you don't really seem like it." 

 

Jennie coughed, probably processing what I just said. 

 

 

"Para kasing iba na, Jen. Parang something is missing.," 

 

 

"What's missing?" 

 

"Love." 

 

 

Natahimik siya sa sinabi ko at tinitigan ko lang siyang mabuti sa screen. Uming si Jennie at sumandal sa swivel chair niya, disappointment is evident on her face. 

 

 

"Siya, or ikaw?" 

 

 

"I never stopped loving her, Jen." 

 

 

She nodded. She knows that. Jennie knows how much I love my girlfriend despite the reds. 

 

 

"Well, I'm not really sure pero yun kasi ang nararamdaman ko. Parang monotone. Flat line. Walang emotions, walang energy. So how can I stop myself from thinking this way diba?" 

 

 

"You should ask her, once and for all. Ayan ka nanaman, eh. Pinatagal mo nanaman ng weeks? Grabe yung patience mo talaga." 

 

 

I could only laugh. "Mahal ko, eh." 

 

 

"Choose yourself this time, Rene. If you keep on choosing that person every day but she won't do the same to you, then something is wrong." 

 

 

"I love her, so much. I want this fixed, I'm willing to. But if she wants to leave, then I'll let her. I love her to that extent." 

 

 

Jennie sighed, for the ninth time. 

 

 

"Whatever you plan to do, and whatever happens, dito lang ako, Rene." 

 

 

"Thanks, Jen." 

 

 

We dropped the call after few catching ups, dahil may trabaho pa akong gagawin at siya naman ay kailangan nang mag-asikaso sa mga anak niya. 
 

 

Nasanay na ako, living alone. I would only see Seulgi during the night, before bed. Minsan naman, I'm already asleep when she comes home. 
 

 

 

I get it, that she's busy. I have always prepared myself for this setup of ours. She's a doctor, after all. 
 

 

 

Okay naman sana, maiintindihan ko naman. Naiintindihan ko naman. 

 

 

But the problem is that because of how busy we are with our personal lives, we forgot that there are two people in this relationship. We forgot to care for each other because we were too busy caring for ourselves. 

 

 

I admit that I sometimes stop myself from caring sa kaniya. Hindi naman sa nakakalimutan ko. Just that what she's doing is shooing me away. 
 

 

 

Nakakawalan ng gana kapag yung partner mo, hindi nage effort para sa inyong dalawa. Team kayo dapat, hindi ba? Ang hirap dalhin ng burden nang mag-isa, kahit na dalawa talaga kami sa relasyon na ito. 

 

 

Tiningnan kong mabuti ang picture naming dalawa na nasa frame sa table ko. This was taken when we were still in College. When everything was new, everything was pure -- almost perfect. 
 

 

I got used to eating alone - from lunch, until dinner. Most of the time kasi, patulog na ako kapag umuuwi siya. And I understand, their hospital is busy because it is located in the heart of the city. Kasama pa doon ang fact na marami din siyang scheduled surgeries at out-patient consultations recently, dahil nagkasakit siya noong nakaraan and had to postpone some of her schedules. Kaya ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang makita ko from the window ang ilaw ng sasakyan niya sa garage. 

 

 

I even checked the time to confirm it. Ang aga niya yata ngayon? Iniwan ko ang towel ko sa bathroom at tinali ang robe ko. It's still early and she still have time for dinner. 

 

 

"Hey.." I softly called nang makapasok siya. 

 

 

Pinanuod ko siyang isabit ang coat niya sa rack malapit sa may pinto at inilagay ang sapatos niya sa shoe rack. She's still on her scrub suit which is unusual, dahil dati ay naliligo siya bago umuwi. 

 

 

"Hi.." her soft voice made me smile - it never fails me to. 

 

 

"You're early." 

 

 

"A patient expired on the table." natahimik ako dahil naramdaman ko ang lungkot sa boses niya. 

 

 

This isn't the first time that Seulgi lost a patient. I was always there for her every time it happened. Kaya naman pala umuwi na siya agad. 

 

 

"Do you want to eat?" 

 

 

"Yes, please."

 

 

Tumango ako at tahimik na nagpunta sa kitchen, opening the fridge to see if there's something left to cook for her. Instant noodles lang kasi ang kinain ko kanina because I didnt feel like eating. She's a picky eater, pero it's not difficult to feed her. 

 

I finished cooking just on time dahil kakalabas niya lang from the shower. She was surprised to see an almost full-course meal on the table. Umupo na siya sa pwesto niya at nagsimulang kumain. I sat beside her and watched her eat. Tatayo sana ako para kumuha ng tubig nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko at pisilin iyon. 

 

"Please, stay." 

 

I was surprised and saw how lonely her eyes were. The past weeks were tough, but she's extra lonely tonight. 

 

"Kukuha lang ako ng water." 

 

Umiling siya nang parang bata. 

 

"Stay." 

 

Wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi ang umupo sa tabi niya at panuorin siyang kumain. She gave me a small smile nang matapos siya, hindi pa din binibitawan ang kamay ko. 

 

"Go rest.. Sunod ako after I wash the dishes." 

 

 

Umiling ulit siya. "We have a dishwasher, yeah? Let it do its job." 

 

 

Siya na mismo ang naglagay ng pinagkainan niya sa dishwasher, tapos ay hinila na ako sa kwarto namin. She joined me in the bed after brushing her teeth and of course, after finishing her skin care routine. 

 

 

Nahawa na siya sa kaartehan ko, sa tagal ba naman namin. 

 

 

"Lahat sila, tinanggihan yung patient na yun. Even when there is a slight chance of surviving after the operation. They are the best doctors in their field but they couldn't take the risk of saving this one patient." 

 

Tumango ako at pinakinggan siya magkwento. Ngayon na lang ulit 'to. 

 

"Someone referred them to me. I saw the risks, lalo at matanda na yung patient. But you know me. Even if there is only one percent chance of the operation's success, I'd still take the risk." 

 

Seulgi.. is also the best in her field. Although she's still young, she already received multiple awards for her outstanding performance sa hospital nila. The cases and surgeries she's handled are successful most of the time. People from her hospital call her Dr. God's hands. But she's only a doctor - she can prolong a patient's life but she can't bring them back. 

 

"The family said that it's not my fault. I did my best naman daw. Pero baby, why do I feel like I didn't do my best? Kasi if I did, my patient wouldn't have died." 

 

I gave her a small smile saka pinunasan ang luha niya. "You did your best, babe. Your patient just wasn't meant to live. But you did your best." 

 

 

"I don't think so.." 

 

 

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at hahampasin sana pero umiwas naman siya agad at sabay kaming natawa ng mahina. 

 

"Sabi ko nga.." 

 

 

Niyakap ko siya, combing her hair with my fingers habang tahimik lang kaming nakahiga sa kama. 
 

 

And I must admit, I missed this comfortable silence between us. 

 

 

Iba 'to, sa mga araw at oras na talagang hindi kami nag-uusap. Iba sa pakiramdam. It gave me back the feeling of home. And sometimes, this is enough. 
 

 

At tulad ng dati, nakatulog siyang yakap ko, with a hope that sleeping would remove her loneliness. 

 

 

"Good morning.." it was the day after. We did our daily routines. 

 

 

I would wake up early, prepare our breakfast, and wait until she wakes up. At ganoon nga ang nangyari. Natapos na ako sa lahat nang lumabas siya ng kwarto, dire-diretsong nagprepare ng coffee naming dalawa.

 

 

"Hindi ka pa nagbibihis?" umiling siya 

 

 

"I took a day off." I was surprised, she rarely skips work. "It's a special day." 

 

 

Napangiti na lang ako nang ilapag niya ang mug sa harapan ko. She remembered. 

 

 

"Lunch tayo somewhere? I checked out a new place last night. Try natin doon." 

 

 

"Nauna kang makatulog. Nagising ka at umalis noong tulog na ako?" 

 

 

"Gaga. May google kasi, Hyun." 

 

 

 

Tinawanan ko na lang siya. It was like one of our peaceful and warm mornings. 

 

 

 

We would talk about simple things, laugh, and mock each other. It was beautiful. So much for me to believe that we're okay. 

 

 

 

I dressed up neatly that night -- the first time in a while that we will be going out on a date. Feeling ko tuloy, mga high school pa kami, celebrating our first anniversary as a couple. 

 

Matagal na din pala akong hulog na hulog sa kaniya. Matagal na pala nang marealize kong in love ako sa babaeng nakilala ko lang naman, randomly. It has been nine years. 

 

 

She has been really patient with me for nine long years, already. Grabe din kasi ang topak ko. Ano kaya ang nagustuhan niya sa akin? 

 

 

Natawa ako sa isip ko. Isnt it too late to ask her that? 

 

 

"Minsan talaga, natatakot  na ako sa'yo." 

 

 

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin, "Ano nanaman problema mo" 

 

 

"You're smiling, without a reason. In love na in love ka nanaman ba sa akin?"  

 

 

"Kailan ba hindi?" 

 

 

Namula siya at tinawanan ko naman agad. 

 

 

She's not really expressive. And she hates it when I'm being cheezy, Ang corny ko daw. Hindi tuloy ako bumabanat sa kaniya, dahil lagi niya lang binabasag ang trip ko. 

 

 

And that's one thing I love sa kaniya. After all these years, she's still my biggest fan and my number one hater. 

 

 

"How are you these days?"

 

 

Nawala agad ang ngiti sa mga labi niya nang itanong ko iyon. 

 

 

She hates it when people ask her how she's doing. 

 

 

"Not really... good." natahimik siya sandali, nakatitig lang sa wine glass niya. "And I know that you're aware of that." 

 

Tumango ako. 

 

 

"I don't even know if we're--" 

 

 

Dumating ang server kaya naputol ang sasabihin niya. Nanlamig ang buong pagkatao ko dahil mukhang alam ko na ang gusto niyang sabihin. 

 

 

Tahimik kami hanggang sa mai-serve ang dessert. Alam kong ramdam niya ang pag-iwas ko sa topic. Hindi ako handa para dito. It was like a ticking time bomb. I wanted to stop the time, kahit pabagalin man lang iyon. Dahil mukhang hindi magiging maganda ang ending ng dinner na ito. 

 

 

"Do you think it's working?" napapikit na lang ako nang tanungin niya iyon pagbalik namin sa sasakyan. 

 

 

Napakapit ako ng mahigpit sa handbag ko. Hindi nakakatulong na bigla akong nakaramdam ng sakit ng ulo, at parang pinipilipit ang puson ko. 

 

Bakit ngayon pa? 

 

 

"Ang alin?" 

 

 

"This.. relationship.." 

 

 

I stared at her intently. Her brown eyes looked really lonely, it was also wet, with tears building up. 

 

 

"Do you think it's not?" natahimik siya at umiling. 

 

 

"I don't think we're okay.."

 

 

Sabay na bumuhos ang mga luha namin. Napahawak ako sa kaniya. Iba yung sakit na nararamdaman ko physically, at emotionally. Bakit ba nakisabay pa itong period ko? 

 

 

"I was observing you throughout our dinner, and I know that you can feel it too." 

 

 

"Feel what?" I am still in the stage of denying everything. 

 

 

Alam ko ang gusto niyang iparating. That everything's different between the two of us. That this relationship is nearing its end. 

 

 

Parang pilit na lang naming ginagawa ang mga bagay na normal sa amin noon. And it scares me, really. 

 

 

Because I have a feeling that I am losing her, tonight. On our 9th anniversary. 

 

 

"I am a jerk for doing this on our anniversary, I know. But the past months have been different, and tough." she held my hand and squeezed it, "I'm tired, Hyun. I'm only hurting you every day." 

 

 

Pagod akong tumingin sa kaniya, hindi makapaniwala na nangyayari ito ngayon. 

 

 

Sinubukan kong pahirin ang luha ko, sabay umiling. 

 

 

Nananaginip lang naman ako, hindi ba? Hindi naman ito totoo, di ba? 

 

 

"Is this really necessary?" 

 

 

"I'm sorry.." 

 

Para akong paulit ulit na sinasaksak nang sabihin niya iyon. That was when I realized that it's over. 

 

 

It's over. 

 

 

"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you any further." 

 

 

Sunod sunod ang pagbuhos ng luha ko. Everything feels like a dream. 

 

 

I have been denying this for a long time. Matagal ko nang ramdam ang pagbabago, matagal na akong natatakot na baka matapos nga ito. 

 

 

And today came the day that I have been pushing back.

 

 

Kasabay ng pag-tulo ng luha ko ay ang pag agos ng dugo sa binti ko. Hindi ko na naramdaman ang sakit nang puson ko dahil mas nangibabaw ang sakit ng puso ko. 

 

 

 

Sabay kaming napatingin ni Seulgi doon at ang huli kong narinig ay ang pagsigaw niya sa pangalan ko bago ako tuluyang mapapikit. 

 

 

Nakakapagod. 

 

 

 

 

=

 

 

 

 

 

Sleep Peacefully, Our Little One

Moon Vale 

2022 

 

 

 

 

It was on that night that we found out that I was pregnant. It was also the night we lost our baby. 

 

 

For years, I have been convincing her to get one of us pregnant. I love babies, and I wanted to have one with her. She was really against it because she knew it was risky. We almost lost our friend Jennie when she gave birth to her first child -- it only added to Seulgi's fear. 

 

 

She swore that we will never have a child, and I agreed that I will never get pregnant. She did not want to lose me forever. 

 

 

People change. it just happened, one day she talked to me about undergoing the whole process. Ang gaga, nakipag-usap na pala kay Lisa about it. She said that she had a change of heart. Gusto niya na pala daw magka-baby. Akala ko nga noong una, nagbibiro lang siya. 

 

 

It felt real when we started booking appointments with experts. We used her eggs, kasi I want my child to be as beautiful and as intelligent as her. We knew, though, na there was only a slight chance, kaya hindi din ako masyadong umasa. 

 

 

Noong panahon na iyon din, was really tough for the two of us. It was when we both had silent battles that we never shared with each other. It was the time when we were both fighting something, we were both busy with ourselves, and we both felt the need to rest.

 

 

To take a break, from each other. 

 

 

We failed to remember our child. 

 

 

I was longing for Seulgi's love while our daughter also longed for her mothers' love. 

 

 

She realized that we weren't ready for her. She realized that there was something wrong going on between her moms. Thus, the night that both Seulgi and I decided to rest, our child decided to rest, too. 

 

 

"I'm sorry we're late, baby. Mommy took forever in preparing." sinamaan ko ng tingin si Seulgi nang sabihin niya iyon pagka-lapag ng bulaklak sa grave ng anak namin. 

 

 

"Sino kaya sa atin ang mabagal sa banyo?" umirap ako. "Baby, one hour maligo si Mama. Tapos ako ang sinisisi niya kasi ako yung mabagal?" 

 

 

"Huwag mo nga ako sinisiraan sa anak natin." Natawa kami pareho. 

 

 

That night, we realized how tired we were. 

 

 

We were both in a state of shock. And we realized what was necessary for the both of us. 

 

 

Rest. Break. A time away from each other. 

 

 

For the first time in nine years, we both gave each other time to focus only on ourselves. To fix what was broken, to find what was lost, to look for what was still missing.

 

 

And I must admit, during that time I was alone, I realized that I have more things to learn. I needed to grow - I needed that for myself. Pero what we did was also for the both of us. 

 

 

Sabi nila, life is full of surprises, and that unexpected things happen all of the time. 

 

 

Falling in love with Seulgi was unexpected. The way it ended a year ago was also a huge surprise. 

 

 

And the most beautiful, and most unexpected surprise life gave us was Moon. Our unborn child -- she made us remember how we started, she gave us hope, and she served as that bond between me and her other mom. 

 

 

Up to this day, we are still longing for her.  But our love for our child will always remain - the same way we never stopped loving each other even when we were not together for a whole year. 

 

 

"Baby, I never told you what Mommy's favorite song was, 'no?" marahang sabi ni Seulgi at hinawakan ang kamay ko. 

 

 

"Sinusumbong mo nanaman ako sa anak natin.." 

 

 

"Hindi, ah." ngumiti siya, "Mommy's favorite song is also my favorite song. Wala naman akong hilig before, until your mommy came into my life and gave me a reason, a will to live, and changed me for the better." 

 

 

Agad akong namula sa sinabi niya. Sampung taon na kaming magkasama pero ganoon pa din ang epekto niya sa akin, hanggang ngayon. 

 

 

"Mommy's favorite song is Araw-araw, sang by her favorite band. It became my favorite song, too. Because it reminded me of how much your Mommy means to me." 

 

 

Nakatitig lang ako sa kaniya. 

 

 

I have always imagined her carrying our child together. Seulgi will be a great mother. And right now, she's talking to our child like she's really here. 

 

 

"Its lyrics are really beautiful. And today, I finally understand why Ben & Ben chose the line pipiliin ka sa araw araw over mamahalin ka sa araw araw. Maybe because it's not guaranteed every day. The level, intensity, and the purity of love will never be the same every day." 

 

 

It reminded me of the days when I felt like she already stopped loving me. The days when she acted cold like she stopped caring about me. 

 

 

The lonely nights when I would miss her, and I would think that she's doing things behind my back when in fact, she's battling her demons alone, without telling me -- because she did not want me to worry about it. 

 

 

The days when I would almost give up on her, but I would still hold on because after all, I promised to love her in all ways, and I promised to love her despite. 

 

 

"But despite the fact, I will still choose your mommy. I will choose her over and over again because a life without your mommy is meaningless, anak." 

 

 

"I wish we had the chance to sing it to you, baby. Your mama is a really great singer." 

 

 

"Binola mo pa ako.." 

 

 

Pareho kaming natahimik at ngumiti, as if we were reading each other's minds and we knew what to do next. 

 

 

 

"Mahiwaga, pipiliin ka, sa araw-araw." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=

 

a/n

this has been sitting in my drafts for months. today, I finally had the time and will to finish it. 

thank you for reading!