I thought it was all over. It was never too late, I guess. 

 

You still have that effect on me and this time, I won't let you go. 

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

I was so sure of myself. My preferences, my decisions, everything. I was always firm about my life decisions, my principles, my feelings.  But when you came, everything that I have been building for myself shattered.

 

What happened? 

 

You. You happened. 

 

For the first time in my life, I felt so loved, so lucky, so blessed, and so happy, because I had you. 

 

You made me feel special in your own way. It wasn't always full of rainbows. That's ideal, I know. I wasn't happy every day, that's expected. But all the days with you, all the time I had with you -- I felt the happiest. I was contented. 

 

That life? I couldn't ask for more. 

"I'm sorry. This isn't working. I think we should stop." 

 

So when you said that you were tired, my world instantly crashed. 
 

 

I was also tired. 

 

 

The bickerings, the petty fights, all the time that we should have spent together, but didn't because we were fighting eventually led to this. 

 

 

My whole world, falling apart. 

"Mahal, please?" it was as if I was begging. 

 

I begged. I did not want to lose you. I was willing to fix whatever my problem was. I was willing to let go of the demons in my head. I was ready. 

 

Why are you letting me go now? 

 

"Irene..." I shut my eye, tears I have been holding down instantly escaping from it. "Pagod na ako." 

 

"Am I not your Joohyun anymore, Seul?" 
 

 

I waited. Like I always do. 
 

 

I waited. Until you say that this is all just a prank you're pulling against me. You always loved pulling a prank. 

 

 

But I remembered, you hated this type of prank. 

 

Us, breaking up. 
 

 

How I wish this is just one of those silly games of yours. 

 

 

"I want to rest. I want to be free. Can't I do that?" 

 

All I can do was look at you in the eye. 
 

 

We were both begging. 
 

 

I was begging you to stay, while you begged for your freedom. 

 

 

That look -- you weren't as happy as I am. This day was something I never saw coming, I wasn't ready for this. 
 

 

But I love you. So much. Who am I to deprive you of your freedom and your own happiness? 
 

 

"Pagod na ako. Tama na." it felt like a long sword, stabbing me deep in the heart. "This isn't you, Irene. Don't beg. Don't ask me to stay, because I have no intention of staying." 

 

Aray. 
 

That hurt. Big time. 

 

"Pagod na din naman ako, Seul." I finally had the courage to tell you.  

 

"Yun naman pala." I can only bite my lip to stop myself from adding more. 
 

 

I was tired, yes. 
 

 

But did I ever say that I want to let go of you? It was tiring. But I love you. And I am willing to stay for as long as you want me to. 
 

 

I was willing to stay and sacrifice my own mental health because I love you. 
 

 

And these words, coming out from your mouth right now are words that I never knew you'd say. 

 

 

"Right." I tried to smile. "I'm sorry if you were suffocated. I'm sorry if I did things that made you this.. tired. I'm sorry, for holding you back." 

 

 

Is this really the end of the dreams I had with you, Seul? 

 

 

"You don't have to say sorry, Irene." 
 

 

Irene. 
 

 

Everything feels so foreign to me. 

 

"Pareho naman tayong napagod. I'm guessing that even if we end this here, mutual decision ito." she sounded fine like she has been practicing all of these for a long time. "This is for the both of us, Irene. Right?" 
 

 

I nodded and accepted your decision. Like I always do. 

 

I tried so hard not to hurt you, I sacrificed things because I did not want to break you. I was willing to hurt myself, inflict emotional pain on myself, just so I could protect yours. 

 

But during the process of protecting you, I only ended up destroying myself. 

 

I loved you dearly that I acted fine, even when I was already hurting too much and on the verge of giving up. 

 

"Let's break up, Irene." 

 

You were my first love, my first true love. But you were also my first heartbreak. 

 

 

 

"Was your flight canceled? Akala ko ba, aalis ka na ngayon?" I tried displaying a smile on my face when Jennie came to my apartment, that night. 

 

I felt like I wouldn't be able to make it through the night if I'm alone. So I had to call someone to be with me. 

 

"I canceled it. Something came up." I forced another smile. "Thanks for coming, Jen." 

 

"Anytime." 

 

I gave her a glass of wine after throwing the paper I was holding earlier. 

 

Jennie shouldn't see the plane ticket I threw in the bin. 

 

 

 

=

 

 

It was tough, dealing with a breakup. Life in general was tough. But I learned a lot of things. Life really is the best teacher.  

 

I remember once you told me that I should never give my everything when I love someone.

 

I should have listened. 

 

When you left, I felt helpless, like a bare sheep with no owner who would take care of them. I gave you everything, so when you broke up with me, I was left with nothing. 

 

 That night, I was ready to leave my life in the Philippines and end the distance between us. I resigned from my high-paying job, sold my car, and even had to go against my family's wishes because I chose you over them. 

 

I realized I was a fool for believing that love is the most powerful, and that love is enough to give me happiness. But it was too late for me. 

 

"Our doctor friends arranged a get-together, sa BGC. Their last covid patient was finally discharged so they want to celebrate." 

 

I met you during the pandemic. We were supposed to celebrate our first anniversary then when you chose to break it up. 

 

A year and a half later, the country finally announced that we are covid-free. All the restrictions were lifted and everything s slowly turning back to normal. 

 

"Safe na ba?" I jokingly asked. 

 

"Hay nako Irene. Wag ka ngang tamarin dyan." Jennie rolled her eyes on me. "Welcome party din daw nung friend nila Lisa. She just came home from abroad." 

 

I sighed then looked at the pile of papers on my table. At least I was able to finish half of it. If I don't slack, I'll finish everything on time naman. 

 

"Sabihan mo nga yang girlfriend mo. If they want to throw a party for their friend, 'wag na nila tayo idamay." she laughed. 

 

"Damay lang naman yung friend niya. She's a doctor, as well. Ewan ko ba kay Lisa. Balak yata imatch ka sa friend niya, so she wants you to come." 

 

"As if I'll be interested. I'm too busy to be bothered." 

 

"Lisa's friend also lives in the States." Jennie even wiggled her eyebrows. "It wouldn't be your loss. Who knows? Baka you live in the same apartment sa New York." 

 

"Oh, she's from New York?" 

 

"Now you're interested.." she gave me an eyeing look before giving out a sigh. "Come on, there's no harm in trying naman, diba? Besides, this is your last weekend here in Manila. Sulitin mo na." 

 

I work as a Manager for the Strategic Team of this advertising company based in New York. I moved there months after I broke up with Seulgi. 

 

I had my visa ready, it would be a complete waste if I don't use it, anyway. 

 

Last month, my company sent me to personally oversee what's happening in our branch here in the Philippines since they have reported an internal problem. Now that it's fixed, I will be going back to New York since that's where I live, now. Jennie works at the same company as the Chief Financial Officer. 

 

"Pag-iisipan ko muna." I said. 

 

"Kung bibigyan mo siya ng chance? Or kung sasama ka mamaya?" 

 

Jennie has been persistent about trying to hook me up with different people. She keeps on saying na I am financially stable and at the right age for marriage. Well, siya din naman. In fact, she is already engaged with Lisa. 

 

Thing is, I haven't been given time to entertain suitors because I am too busy with my career and am too busy moving on from her. 

 

Or maybe, because I never tried moving on. 

 

It's still her. It will always be her. 

 

"Sure. I'll be there tonight." 

 

"Ang harot mo." she laughed hysterically. 

 

"I didn't say na I'll be there because I'm interested sa kaniya?" 

 

"if you say so, Irene." 

 

Jennie just gave me another teasing look before exiting the office. 

 

I shook my head. She has always been this silly. 

 

Work finished on time. We'll have to eat dinner muna before proceeding to the bar for the said meet-up, slash party with our friends working in St. Luke's. 

 

Jennie's girlfriend, Lisa, is a doctor who has been on duty ever since the pandemic started. Our other friends, Wendy, Jisoo, and Solar are working in the same hospital. It's a good thing, though, that our company's building is just around the area so we won't be dealing with the traffic. I haven't been gone for a long time but I'm not used to the usual Manila traffic any more. Kaya I prefer driving short distances lang. 

 

They chose a newly opened bar. It's not too crowded since most of their clients are elites. We've been told that Solar and the others are already here, along with the 'friend' Jennie's been telling me about. 

 

Lisa joined the bragging while we were having dinner earlier. She said that her friend is currently the youngest Professor in their hospital. She's also from the Philippines but her family moved to Los Angeles when she was young, so that's where she finished school. 

 

I'm not really interested. 

 

I used to date a... doctor.. and I never told them about it. 

 

"Andito na pala yung isang balik-bayan!" I saw Solar waving in our direction, enthusiastically. 

 

They were on a large u-shaped couch with different drinks on the table. These doctors are planning to get wasted tonight, ah? 

 

"Chong!!" Lisa advanced and greeted her friend, who just stood up for a hug. 

 

She was facing the opposite direction. 

 

She had brownish hair and is a bit taller than me. She was petite, but her body was proportional. 

 

"Wag kang masyadong maharot, ah." 

 

Jennie's warning was too late. 

 

Everything that happened that year, that night, flashed in my head like a scene from a movie. 

 

It was all too vivid. 

 

Your smile, your voice, your stares. Everything. 

 

This isn't what I pictured when I thought of us, meeting for the first time. 

 

At that moment, I want to rush and give you a warm hug, shower you with kisses, and tell you how much I love you. 

 

That was my plan, for our first meeting. 

 

I was so in love. I still am. 

 

And seeing you in person, for the first time, is not really helpful. 

 

You're beautiful. This person was mine. You were once mine. 

 

"Ah, si Irene nga pala!" Lisa shook her head then introduced me to the person. "Irene, this is Doctor Seulgi Kang. Chong, this is Irene Bae, Jennie's best friend." 

 

I waited for you to offer a hand. 

 

You were smiling. You looked amused. You looked as if you were thrilled to see me. 

 

Are you, Seul? 

 

"I-- uh.." you said, leaving a soft chuckle after stuttering. "Hi." 

 

You then offered a hand, which I immediately accepted. 

 

It was too soft and warm. 

 

"Hi." I said, almost like a whisper. 

 

I didn't know what to feel or if it's alright to feel this way. 

 

Seulgi, my Seulgi, is finally in front of me. 

 

I got used to seeing you in front of the screen. Your voice was quite different when we were on calls. Your smile -- even more beautiful in person. I couldnt speak and catch up with my friends. I wasn't too comfortable. I felt shy. 

 

I realized I was never mad, even when you hurt me big time. I have long forgiven myself for letting us fall apart, and I have also forgiven you for breaking me. But right now.. I still find myself helpless in front of you.

 

"Irene was supposed to move to Los Angeles last year," Jennie said and I instantly felt your eyes on me. "She already had her plane ticket, pero di siya natuloy. Yun pala, life had other plans kasi she's for New York, not Los Angeles." 

 

They all chuckled and felt proud, and happy. None of my friends know what happened between me and you, Seul. This is why they're acting this way. 

 

"At least she was successful and she's living the life. I'd choose New York over California too, actually." You laughed. 

 

"I had to sacrifice things, even my own happiness. California was my first choice. Even until today." 

 

I think I've had too much to drink. 

 

That wasn't me. That was the alcohol speaking. 

 

"Seulgi is a survivor." what Byul said instently caught my attention. My eyes shifted from yours to hers. "Di naman maiiwasan lalo sa field." 

 

"Let's not talk about that, Byul." you said, drinking vodka from your glass. 
 

 

"They should know about this inspiring experience of yours." 

 

"How inspiring?" 

 

I lowered my head, fully attentive to what's happening. Does Byul know something? 

 

"She was infected with the strong type of delta variant. She had to be under the government's watch. Kasi the type of variant that hit her was something that could mutate into another variant that's stronger, deadlier, and uncontrollable." 
 

Our friends gasped.

 

I held a tight grip on my glass, trying to stop myself from reacting. 

 

Is this.. why? 

 

"She had a girlfriend, that time." 
 

You were staring at me intently when Byul said that. Your eyes looked like you were begging me to not listen to the story. 
 

"I had to break her heart because I did not want her to worry. Or if in case I die, she won't be among those that will be hurt and grieve for me." 

 

I was hurt. Really hurt. 
 

But I was never mad at you. Because from the very beginning, you were always the bigger person. You weren't petty, you weren't irrational. You were more mature. You were stronger. 
 

 

"You still hurt her." you gulped after I said that. 

 

"Yeah. The biggest regret. And the biggest mistake." 
 

 

You forced a smile and they kept adding questions. 
 

 

I was left in one corner, silently thinking how difficult that was for you. it felt unfair because I've thought ill of you. 

 

Was there someone else? Did you really love me? Everything looked easy for you. As if you didn't care how much pain it would give me. I was battling with these thoughts, while you were battling for your life in the hospital. You were left alone, helpless, and was in a dire situation. Far from my petty reasonings. 

 

"So single ka ngayon?" 

 

I avoided your gaze right there and then. I did not want to see your reaction. In case you share that you're already with someone else. I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. 

 

"If she still accepts me, then I won't be single." 

 

"Oo nga pala!" I almost stood up because of Wendy's reaction. "You met your ex online, and she lives in the Philippines, right?" 

 

"Mahal pa pala ang ex. Hanap na lang tayo ng iba na para sayo, bes." Jennie's statement almost made me laugh. 

My bestfriend is as clueless as everyone. 

 

"Are you planning to contact her? To see her, perhaps? Hinahanap mo ba? Maybe we can help you with that." 

 

The amount of tension happening at this table, right now. 

 

Maybe the alcohol is really kicking in. I can't think rationally. I just want to tell her right away that I still love her, and that I want us to get back together. 

 

Please stop yourself, Irene! 

 

"No need," you said, grinning at me, "I already found her." with your eyes not leaving mine. 

 

I wanted so bad to get out of this place to talk to you, catch up, and maybe -- talk about our feelings. I was already too impatient, plus the alcohol in my system is really not helping!  

 

"Hindi ka magd-drive mag isa, Irene. You're drunk. Baka kung ano pa ang mangyari." I was arguing with Jennie, because we all have to go home. 

 

Yun nga lang, I drank too much and I can't drive in this state. I don't want to hire a driver or book a grab since it's late and I'm not that familiar with the area. I don't want to risk my own safety. There's got to be someone from this group who could drive me!

 

"Seul, saan ka nga ulit naka check in?" 

"Sa Marriott." napadilat ako and listened to their conversation. 

 

"Perfect. Can you drive?" you nodded your head then pointed at me, 

 

"Do you also stay in Marriott, Joohyun?" 

 

I blinked twice. I know I'm drunk but I'm not too wasted to not hear her call me by my Korean name. Joohyun... 

 

"Yeah.," 

 

"I have an international license, anyway. Sige, sabay na tayo. Where did you park your car?" 

 

"This girl. Aayaw-ayaw pa kanina eh maglalasing din pala!" 

 

Jennie Kim, I swear, if I'm sober, I wouldn't let you degrade me like this. 

 

"Hindi ako lasing." I defended. 

 

"Lasing or not, you've had enough drinks, Joohyun. I'm driving." 
 

 

I can still help myself, so I walked to the parking lot with Jennie, Seulgi, and Lisa. 
 

 

It's funny, how life works. 
 

 

Sa dinami-dami ng hotels sa Manila, why are we staying in the same place? 

 

The whole ride was quiet. I was constantly stealing glances at you. I always loved it when you were serious. It has a different effect on me. You are attractive in your own different ways. But I like it most when you're serious. 

 

I was getting too impatient. When you parked my car, I quickly took my seatbelt off and grabbed you for a deep and hungry kiss. I was expecting you to push me back. But you were so into it. You answered my kisses passionately. 
 

You removed your seatbelt, grabbed me by my wrist, and made me sit on your lap. I did the honor of inclining the seat for a better position. I stared at you for a moment before leaning in for another set of long and wet kisses. 

 

I just love you, so much. And I've long waited for this moment. 

 

My hands wandered from your cheeks to your blouse, and I  felt your abs -- it was marbling. You always teased me about this. 

 

I held the hem of your blouse, my legs touching your folds and instantly feeling how wet you are, down there. I so want you, right now. I almost protested when you stopped my hand from ping your pants. I gave you a glare, both of us catching our breaths. 

 

 

"I don't want our first to happen in a car, Hyun." You softly chuckled while I just responded with a pout. "Silly you, you're at the wrong position." 

 

"Excuse me?!" 

 

You pinched my nose, "Baby, I was always on top." 

 

"Try me." I winked at you before stealing another kiss and proceeding to fix myself. 

 

Damn this car. It was the right decision to put on a tinted screen! 

 

 

 

I woke up, still sore and tired after being punished by Seulgi last night. I provoked her, and she showed me how it's done. 
 

Well, I always loved provoking her. I love it when she's pissed. 
 

 

I stared at the person sleeping soundly beside me. I am finally living the dream. 
 

 

With our setup before, we had different timezones. Sometimes, one would stay up all night and not sleep on time, just so we can catch up. To be able to finally wake up with her by my side still feels like a dream. 

 

 

This was what I always wanted for both of us. 

 

 

"Good morning, sunshine." I greeted you with a smile when you woke up. 

 

"Morning." still the grumpy baby during the mornings. "What time is it?" 

 

"10am." 
 

You grinned. "Long night." 
 

"uh huh." I gave out a shy smile, "Should I order for room service or should we eat in the restaurant, instead?" 

 

 

"Can you walk?" 

 

That almost sounded like an insult! 
 

Seulgi Kang...,! 
 

 

"I'm not a weakling!" 

 

You laughed, "Kulang pa pala. My intention was to not make you walk." 

 

I just gave you a death glare because of how silly and naughty you are. 

 

 

I'll have to prove myself. I stood up, although still in pain, and tried walking myself to the bathroom. 

 

 

"Ano? Baby? Hirap maglakad?" 

 

"Shut up!" 

 

Mahirap nga.. am I too old? Maybe I need to exercise! 

 

 

"Akala ko maliligo ka na eh." You said when I came back from the bathroom, wearing just a robe. 

 

"I don't want to remove your scent on me, yet." 

 

"Hmm.. or maybe you need help because you're too tired to bathe yourself?" 
 

 

Seulgi Kang, really! You always loved teasing me, yeah? 

 

 

"Come here." 
 

 

I sat beside you on the bed, carefully and intently staring at you. 
 

 

I have lost you once. I'm never doing it again. 

 

 

"I'm sorry, for what happened." you sighed, "I just did not want to put you through too much pain, in case I die." 

 

"Let's not keep secrets from now on, hmm?" 
 

 

You nodded like a child. You were too cute when you did that. 

 

"Did I tire you out? Kasi that was what you said when we broke up." 

 

 

"I was tired of the situation. I was never tired of you, or our relationship." 
 

It was enough to make you smile. And it gave me a feeling of contentment. 
 

 

All of my questions and doubts from the past were finally answered. 

 

"You? Did I ever tire you out?" I asked. 

 

"Never." 
 

 

This, right here, is my life. 
 

 

I have always believed in you. I have always trusted you, your love, our love. 
 

 

And even when we wasted a year and a half, what matters is that both of us still came home. 

 

 

"When I survived, I was determined to find you. I told myself that if you ever give me a chance again, I will never, really, never let you go." 
 

 

You gave me a sweet smile before getting something from the side table. 
 

 

It was a small box. 

 

A small... box... 

 

"I always had this with me. It reminded me of my faith, for our love. It gave me hope." you slowly opened the box which instantly brought tears to my eyes. "Today, it finally found its owner." 

 

 

Just... what did I do in my past life to deserve this woman.. 

 

 

"Joohyun.. my Joohyun.. will you spend this lifetime with me?" 

 

How can things happen this fast, in just 12 hours? 
 

 

My ex girlfriend came back, we slept together, and now, you're proposing! 
 

 

"This lifetime lang?" I softly chuckled in the midst of crying. "I have this whole lifetime and the next ones and I will spend it with you, only you, Seul." 
 

 

You took the ring out from the box at isinuot iyon sa daliri ko. 
 

 

It fits perfectly like it was customized for me. 

 

"I'm never letting you go, Joohyun." 
 

 

I only gave you a sweet smile before sealing it with a kiss. I wanted to make you feel how loved you are, that you have a home in me and that I was never wrong for choosing you. 

 

 

I will choose you, every day. From this lifetime, to the next. 

 

 

I will always choose you.