Wanting

Toma never expected this when she started to date him. He just seemed so sweet at first, she just never expected that he was like this. Well, no one saw this side of him at all. Never in a million years had he done anything to let his perfect image slip away from him. Of course it didn’t show at first but after they got serious it became worse. She could barely remember any of the nights she spent with him. The worst part of it was that she didn’t know if that was because he had slipped her something, or she was just trying to block it out.

“Key! Key! Key!” The crowd shouted as he was up on stage after just finishing a song. It was almost the end of the show, and she knew what that meant. Either he was going to go to sleep right away from being so tired, or he was going to hit her again. He always found a way to blame her for everything that went wrong. She could be half a world away when something bad happened and he would still blame her for it.

But when they were in public, oh man was he the sweetest guy around. Toma loved it when the other guys were around. It was the only time that he acted like she was human too. And it wasn’t like she didn’t want to tell. It was that she felt like she couldn’t do it. Every time she about tried to, she thought of what he had done to her in the past, and what he might do if anyone found out.

Grabbing her bag she pulled out her phone and sent a text to Key, ‘Hey, I’ll be at the house if you need me. I’ll be waiting for you’. And just before she hit the send button she thought of how this might change him a little. That it might have an impact that she really did somewhat care for him. Maybe it would change him for the better, for them to actually be happy. It was her only wish.

Although a part of her knew that he would never change. But ignoring that part of her she got up and walked the entire way home. She was never allowed much money because Key would always be with her and pay for everything, although it was rare that he did buy her anything, so she couldn’t get a taxi or ride the bus. Usually the only people he bought anything were the girls he cheated on her with. Toma didn’t know which hurt worse, the fact that he didn’t treat her right, with all the physical and emotional abuse, or the fact that he didn’t care enough for her to just stay with her. Instead he would sleep around with almost any girl that would keep their mouth shut.

Finally reaching the apartment she pulled out the key and opened the door. But the sight that beheld her was beyond words. Key was already home and some girl was just sitting right there in nothing but a see through tank top and her underwear on his lap.

“Oh look who decided to come home. For a moment there I thought I would have come drag you back, but then I thought about it. You’re not worth that much energy,” and without another word he had his tongue down the other girls throat. Despite Key cheating right there in front of her, Toma felt the need to do something.

Setting her stuff down she walked right over to them, ripped her off of Key and punched her right square in the face and told her, “Get out now! He’s mine!” And without a second thought the other woman got up and got out.

“Huh, well looks like you took my entertainment for the night. But I never thought you’d stand up for yourself like that. Hm, oh well. Come here,” he said grabbing her from around the waist and pulling her into his lap. He smelled of alcohol which made her want to get up but she couldn’t. He held her there for a while and then put his head on her shoulder. This was an odd feeling for Toma. This hadn’t happened in a long time where they just sat there together.

But she enjoyed it, it was a time when he actually treated her right, and thought of her as something other than a play thing. A little while later though there was a knock at the door and it opened to show the rest of SHINee. That’s when it made sense. He knew they were coming over, and that’s why he was acting like this. It wasn’t him being nice, it was him putting back on his mask.

She didn’t let her disappointment show, but it was there. As the rest of the group gathered into the living room Toma didn’t move, didn’t say a word, she just sat there. Eventually Key and everybody but Jonghyun went to go look at something. Toma didn’t know what and didn’t care to know. All she ever did was just sit there while Key went off and lived his life. Without realizing iJonghyun had moved next to her she laid down on the couch. But once her head connected with Jonghyun’s lap she shot right back up.

“Ah, sorry!” She said not making eye contact.

Scooting closer to her Jonghyun laughed and told her, “So you can talk! What’s wrong? You told Key you were heading back home before the show was done, and then you haven’t said a word all night. Is everything alright?”

And that’s when Toma wanted to tell him it all. Tell him everything Key had done to her. But before she opened to speak she thought again. Key was right in the other room, she couldn’t say anything or he’d come back in and try to hurt her again. “Yeah I’m fine,” she told him with a fake smile, “I’m just a little tired is all.” Currently Toma was glad that she had perfected her fake smile. It just looked so real to everyone else that sometimes even she believed it herself.

“Well if you say so,” Jonghyun said looking at her skeptically. That’s when everyone came back into the room. Looking up at Key Toma saw him look at her the way he always did when he wasn’t happy with her, but as quickly as she saw it it vanished.

Just before everyone had left Key told Toma to go to their room as he said goodbye to everyone. Waiting there Toma thought that maybe that the look was just a figment of her imagination, but as soon as she heard the door close she knew she was in trouble.

As he came back into the room he yelled at her, “What were you doing with Jonghyun!” And with that he slapped her across the face. “I hope you weren’t stupid enough to tell him anything.”

She would have said something, but she had gone through this before so she just sat there on the bed holding her face. After a while she had somewhat knew the pattern this would go in. First he would yell and hit her, then maybe try to do something, and afterwords storm out and then come back after a few hours and go to sleep. It was the usual now to Toma, even though she didn’t want it to be. And the pattern followed through as usual.

As she laid there in bed after Key had hit her several times she thought about how much she wanted to go run and tell Jonghyun and the other members. But she still couldn’t bring herself to say anything, so instead she just sat there and waited for sleep. It was her only time away from this nightmare.

Back with Jonghyun, as he laid there he couldn’t help but feel that behind that smile from Toma there was something else. There was this nagging feeling in the back of his head that there was something wrong. But that feeling soon faded away as he slipped into a far of dream land. Although it quickly turned into a nightmare. It started out where Toma and Key were on a date, and he was there too, although they couldn’t see him. They just seemed so happy together, the perfect couple.

But then as the date ended between the two they went home and Key was a completely different person. He was yelling at Toma who was just sitting there letting him. Then what came next was a complete and total shock to Jonghyun. Key walked right up to Toma and slapped her right across the face, called her a , and stormed out. Jonghyun called out and tried to stop it but he couldn’t. It was only a dream after all.

After Key left Toma laid on the couch and cried herself to sleep. Wishing he could do something he stormed after Key. To his surprise Key was in a club dancing away with some girl who obviously was just looking for a good time that night. She wore a short tight pink dress and her hair was held back by a pink hair band to match. As they got it on Jonghyun could do nothing but look on in horror and disgust that Key would do such a thing.

The following morning Jonghyun went into the studio and found Toma sitting there in Key’s dressing room like usual. She was just sitting there with her headphones on and drawing in her notebook that she carried everywhere with her. Walking up behind her he saw that she was drawing a picture of her and Key. They were sitting there happily smiling and laughing. It seemed like it normally did for then. But just before Jonghyun tapped her shoulder to get her attention she lowered the notebook and began to cry silently. Tears falling onto the page as it blurred the picture of what seemed like an everyday thing to the rest of the group.

Deciding it best to leave her alone, Jonghyun walked out without letting Toma even know he was there. Closing the door behind him he ran into Key. “Hey Key, can we talk for a minute?” He asked his friend.

“Oh boy, what is it?” Key said his mood changing a little.

“It’s about Toma.”

“What? Did she tell you something?”

Thinking this mood swing was a little out of character for Key he replied, “No, it’s just I think she’s been acting odd lately. Has anything happened?”

His mood suddenly brightened up again he laughed, “Oh no, she’s just a little off because well who knows. Maybe some female thing. And don’t go thinking that she’s off because she’s pregnant because I know for a fact that she isn’t.”

“Well if you say so, but um just to let you know. See didn’t see me, but I was in there because I wanted to talk to her but before I got her attention she started crying.” The moment he let it come out of his mouth somehow he knew he had made a mistake. Walking away he was still a little worried about Toma, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it right now. Unless she came to him, he wasn’t going to meddle.

“He saw you crying! And why on earth were you crying? I’m tired of you just sitting there! Answer me this time!” Key yelled at Toma. She didn’t want to reply but she felt she had no choice. He was getting worse and worse lately and she was scared of what would happen if she didn’t.

“I just want to be happy with you is all,” she whispered but loud enough for Key to hear her.

“And what? You aren’t happy right now?” He shouted picking up her notebook and ripping out the picture of them together, and then crumpled it up and threw it at her. “Well let me know what I can do to make you happy then! You know what, maybe I’ll just leave. Maybe then you’ll be happy!” And with that he stormed out.

After a little while Toma broke down in tears on the floor. At least he didn’t really hit her this time, but it wasn’t that she was upset about. Picking up her picture she uncrumpled it and tried to straighten it out. Not noticing that the door was left slightly open she put the picture into her bag and just sat there crying.