that night, i dreamt of a sea of sunflowers again. except, Young Bae didn’t appear, and the sunflowers began to swallow me up. limb after limb, my body disappears into the razor-sharp teeth of the sunflowers that they developed that night. i watched as the sky transforms into a gigantic yellow eye and blinks at me thrice before all that i can finally see is oblivion. a young, handsome voice calls for my name, but i know it’s not Young Bae.

 

“Hyun Xin!” i shake awake to Dae Sung’s face inches away from mine. he pulls away from me nervously, face flushed and heart still pounding like a horse’s, because i can practically see his heart beat through his chest with my bare eyes. i wonder how many times have i done that since i met Young Bae again? waking up from nightmares, i mean. i ruffle my hair as i prop myself up on one elbow. i rub my eyes and look at Dae Sung, who’s now sitting on the edge of the bed, looking away from me. i don’t know what day is it, but the sun is already high up and if it is a school day i’m obviously staying home today. but i cancel that from the relatively short list of possibilities, because Dae Sung rarely ever skips school, even if i don’t show up for classes.

 

“are you having nightmares again?” Dae Sung is suddenly staring at me, his eyes filled with concern and his limbs stiff as wood. i’m too groggy to say anything, but it’s obvious that he knows the answer even if i don’t say it.

 

yes, i have been having nightmares again. it went away for quite a long while, and now it’s back for good. though the nightmares i used to have is watching my parents die—and strangely, after Mom passed, the nightmares stopped; then again, i couldn’t stop thinking about Mom at that time, it distracted my mind fairly well—they’re now transforming my sweet dreams with Young Bae into dark, horrible nightmares with the same ending : complete darkness. i dwell in that very darkness for hours in the dream, nightmare, whatever. maybe it’s only minutes in real life, yet the darkness seem to turn from lightless to opaque the more i dream of it, and it always seem so eternal when i cannot see, hear, or feel a thing.

 

“…what day is it?” i ask. “16^th of April, Saturday,” Dae Sung replies in a formal manner.

 

it’s been approximately two months since Young Bae and i are together. yeah we’ve been on a couple of dates and whatnot, but that’s it. thanks to his career and that schedule of his which resembles a rope around his neck-- frequently taking the life out of his body—he’s been fairly tired and out of breath whenever i see him in school. i don’t even visit him after school anymore, because he’s been busy attending talk shows and radio shows that he barely has any time left to practice and be distracted by love. i have, on the other hand, been texting him and calling him whenever he’s free.

 

despite all that, the recurring nightmares i’ve been getting seems like they’re warning me about something. a bad omen. a premonition.

 

“are you hungry?” Dae Sung breaks my train of thoughts. which is good, because i don’t want to find myself drowning in depressing thoughts like that again. i nod, he asks me to wash up and get changed so he can bring me out for breakfast, but i turn down the offer, knowing that i have not been feeling well since the days before. “can you cook for me? anything will do. please, Dae?” there isn’t even a hint of emotion in my voice—all dead and monotonic. he shoots back a disappointed look at me, and replies, “okay, but wash up anyways. brunch will be done soon.” he leaves my room. i manage to wake myself up with a hot shower while Dae Sung cooks, but realize that i’m feeling much warmer than usual after putting on my clothes. as i try to head downstairs, my head suddenly feels like it weighs a tonne and i’m forced to sit in the middle of the stairs.

 

“Hyun Xin, brunch is read--“ Dae Sung discovers me as he yells. “Hyun Xin, you okay? God! you’re boiling hot! i’ll get you to the doctor, okay? Hyun Xin, Hyun Xin?” Dae Sung’s voice turns into a miniscule sound, and finally fades away to nothing. i can hear nothing. i can see nothing. my mind doesn’t even allow a dream this time around. i am in a pool of darkness. nothing. nothing. nothing. i try to scream, but something is choking my neck, forcing me to be quiet as it takes every single breath away from me. i attempt to grab it, but my hands are tied down too. i struggle and struggle and struggle, but nothing works. i take a final gulp of breath, then nothing.

 

so this is what it feels like to be dead.

 

light pours into my eyes before i can describe in detail, the life of a dead person, and i am in the hospital. not again. the smell of medication and something else that’s been lingering in the hospital forever stings my nostrils, and i pinch my nose immediately. a thin tube is pierced into my right wrist, transferring a cooling, transparent liquid which i assume is glucose. i sweep the area with my eyes. no one. not a doctor, nurse, Dae Sung, Ji Yong or Young Bae. until someone slams the door real hard and almost cries when he sees me, at least.

 

“Hyun Xin! how the hell did you get sick so suddenly? Dae Sung called me!” Ji Yong hugs me by the neck and i have to actually scratch his arm for him to wince and let me go. i choke and cough for air before finally replying, “how should i know how i fell sick, huh?” my older brother calms down and pulls a chair to sit on. he clumsily sits closer to me and holds my wrist. “oh man, that must hurt… are you feeling better now?” Ji Yong suddenly sounds like a whole other person, caring for my health and whatnot. this side of him only appears when it’s absolutely necessary. (i’m kidding. he’s my brother—why shouldn’t he care?)

 

“i’m fine, oppa. where’s Dae Sung?” i ask as i pass him a smile. he smiles back blandly. “he’s getting your medicine and stuff. i gave him money and asked him to deal with those stuff. are you sure you’re okay? you still look a little pale…” Ji Yong trails off, showing an utterly worried expression on his face. “i’m fine, Yong. i swear,” i say.  the door is slammed open again. i really hope the door doesn’t fall apart.

 

panting and sweating all over, Young Bae is in his usual white wife-beater and his black pants tucked into a fancy-looking pair of shoes that resemble boots. his hair is styled perfectly, his earrings intact as usual and his pinky ring, right in my range of sight, too. he runs to the other side of my bed and holds my face with his delicate hands. it’s been a while since i felt his sincere warmth. he’s not smiling, and something about that breaks my heart a little. “why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” he asks, with a hint of anger in his voice, but not enough to yell at me.

 

“i… i just found out too. sorry… sorry, Young Bae,” i stutter. why am i even stuttering? oh, that’s right, i’m afraid that he’ll be angry. his gaze immediately turn gentle. he brushes my hair with his fingertips as i feel a tingle sent through my entire body while i bite my lip habitually. “you’re so silly, Hyun Xin. you look so… pale,” his voice is something i can recognize in an instant. care, love, warmth, courage. his voice gives me everything. i look into his eyes as i forget about the world momentarily. “i’m fine. i’ll be fine,” i say. there’s something else, something else i want to say. “c…can you stay?” i could care less about Ji Yong being next to me. i just want Young Bae to be here. by my side.

 

there are tears struggling to escape his eyes. he rubs them casually and looks at me again. he smiles. “i’ll stay,” he says.

 

his smile gives me life.

 

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a lot of cuddling coming up! :B

leave a comment! you might be in charge of how the story changes afterward!