i stay protected in his arms without a sound. after a long negotiation between Ji Yong and the nurse to let Young Bae stay, the hospital finally drops into a pin-drop silence that envelops us. Young Bae is under the sheets with me. his fancy boots stripped, and his feet only wearing thin cotton socks, i rub his feet with mine to create little but enough warmth for both of us.

 

we're now facing each other, our eyes meeting and our breaths warming our necks. i am lost momentarily within his eyes, and he, i believe he's fighting hard to stay awake. i remove one of his arm from under my body with a knowing smile, surely it's already numb and i obviously need to let him sleep comfortably tonight.

 

"go to sleep, Young Bae," i say with the softest voice i can produce. he shakes his head lightly.

 

"you go to sleep first, Hyun Xin," he replies with a rare playful smile. if my heart can speak, it stammered when my eyes discovered that smile.

 

"no," i say, "you go to sleep. you need to rest, you idiot." i pinch his cheek with my hand that's still attached with a thin tube, but the fluid's already stopped flowing. he grabs my wrist abruptly. i flinch, and he apologizes.

 

"how did you even get this sick...?" he asks gently, as he runs his fingers along the tube to as far as he can.

 

"i've been having nightmares again, Young Bae."

 

"...the same ones?" he sounds more shocked than worried to hear about the news. i nod. he touches my forehead with his, leading me into a dizzy state and making me even dizzier when he continues to look into my eyes as if they're some endless galaxy. both of our faces must be completely flushed by now, i thought. we fill up the space between us with subtle warmth radiating from ourselves. we don't give up on coaxing each other to sleep, but it's pretty obvious who's winning at the moment; with Young Bae in his awake mode, i know now that he'll be able to stay up for the entire night and still look as energetic for the cameras tomorrow—he’s done this too many times, whereas my eyelids are growing heavy by the second.

 

i snuggle in closer to Young Bae. the hospital is dead without a soul walking about the corridors, yet i feel safe and secure within his embrace. maybe i won't have nightmares tonight, i thought. maybe. i trace my fingers from his hand up his arm, then his neck as i feel the slightly popped veins, then his chin, his face, his features--lips, nose, ear, eye, brow. i brush his brow lightly. this seems to soothe him, because i can feel his breath slowing down. i reach for his freshly buzzed hair. it always seems newly cut whenever i see him. well, it's been some time since i last saw him anyways.

 

"you know i won't fall asleep until you do, Hyun Xin," he whispers. i don't want to listen to him, yet something within me is forcing me to close my eyes and drift to sleep. i close my eyes, and the last thing i remember is tuning in to Young Bae's heart beat.

 

ah, the glorious sea of sunflowers! Young Bae must be here somewhere... oh, there he is, that silly boy with his faux hawk hair. wait, Young Bae...? where are you going? hey, hey, stop running, you know i can't catch up with you... Young Bae... Young Bae, don't go... don't go... wha... what's this stuff dripping down my neck? eww, why is it so... warm? and... red?

 

it's blood, Hyun Xin. your blood.

 

"YOUNG BAE!" sweat is streaming down my face and body vigorously, dawn broke and Young Bae is missing by my side. no note. no text. nothing. gone. Ji Yong is grabbing my arms, screaming, but i cannot hear a thing. Young Bae. Young Bae. Young Bae. where are you?

i break free from Ji Yong's strong arms. i still can't hear a thing. his name is still ringing in my ears. Young Bae. Young Bae. Young Bae. my wobbly feet are now on the icy cold floors of the hospital, running aimlessly along the corridor. i must look like a maniac now, because every soul who sees me shoots back a terrified look at me. i am still running, running, with the glucose pack on a metallic stand rolling behind me, for my wrist's tube is still intact. Young Bae. Young Bae. Young Bae. my head hurts. the world is spinning. i can't hear or see, my elbows and knees are in contact with the freezing white tiles. my vision's a complete blur, all i see is flashes of white, followed by complete darkness. move, Hyun Xin, move.

 

and i feel a sharp point slowly piercing through my neck.

 

my vision is still blurred as though i’m a television set with a broken antennae, then i am screaming and crying frantically until i realize Young Bae has been shouting my name in return.

 

“Hyun Xin! Hyun Xin! Don’t scare me like this, snap out of it, Hyun Xin!” he shakes me awake completely. i am gasping for air, taking big gulps of air greedily to fill my lungs. i look as if i’m strangling myself when i check for blood stains on my neck. nothing. another nightmare. Young Bae wraps his arms around my head and hugs me close. i haven’t stopped sweating or crying, but the screaming has ceased. “you’re okay,” he says repetitively, “you’re okay.”

 

minutes pass like hours and i feel myself calming down, heartbeats slowing and longer breaths taken in. i’m returning, returning slowly. he pulls my fringe back to reveal my forehead and face. “feeling better?” his voice is surprisingly monotonous. i nod weakly. maybe my ears are fooling me. i lay my head on his shoulder, still tugging onto his arm like my lifeline as if fable creatures are about to appear and capture me. Dae Sung must’ve been standing by our side for quite some time, because i can see his expression transform from a sort of pain to a masked ease. “Hyun Xin,” he says, “are you… okay?” Dae Sung wants to reach for my hand, but i’m caged tightly within Young Bae’s arms. i do reach my fingers out slightly to touch Dae Sung’s.

 

“it was… just another nightmare,” i say.

 

he looks away. “no it’s not. tell her, Young Bae,” he says grimly. what aren’t my nightmares?

 

“i can’t be with you, Hyun Xin,” Young Bae blurts out. what? why can’t you? i want to speak, but my lips are so dry that they’re literally cracking. my throat is choked by a non-existent force—nothing comes out of my mouth. Young Bae lays me back down on the bed as i can hardly move. i watch helplessly as he puts on his fancy boots and leaves the room before whispering something to Dae Sung that i cannot overhear. the door slams, and he’s gone. while i’m stuck in utter confusion.

 

Dae Sung walks back in, takes a seat next to my bed and begin to tell me a story. a story about us, Young Bae and i.

 

“something about your relationship isn’t right. you can’t be together, Hyun Xin. whenever he comes by again, your nightmares come back to haunt you. it’s somewhat a curse, but i don’t know how this happened. it’s only true because Young Bae found out during our childhood that the more he snuck into your bed with you, the more you would groan and scream in your sleep, but eventually forget about the nightmares when you wake up, thinking as though he had cured them by being with you. now that you’re all grown up, it’s not possible for you to wake up without remembering the details from your nightmares. he can’t be with you, or you’ll have these nightmares forever, Hyun Xin…”

 

Dae Sung trails off, as if afraid that i will burst into tears any minute. well, a little too late. tears are flooding my eyes, streaming down my cheeks mercilessly. what kind of a story is this?

 

this is some really ed up issue.

 

----

 

Hyun Xin's sad and mad altogether! why can't they be together peacefully, right? ):

do leave commentssssss! :D all i see is strawberryfields yo!