The faculty of Social Science’s cafeteria was packed at lunch hour. Sehun could only secure a place in the outdoor section. Not the best part of this place since it was still windy and the leaves from the tree sometimes reached their table, but unmistakably better than eating his lunch standing up. He put a cup of iced coffee on the seat in front of him for Jongin. He sometimes bought Jongin coffee, which he refused on the first try, but gradually accepted it as Sehun always insisted on taking it. 

Jongin arrived two minutes later with a tray of two bowls. He put it down on the table first before taking the iced coffee, and he threw a dazed look at Sehun.

“Again?”.

“Two shots, with milk, no sugar”. 

Jongin put on a half-smile as he sat down. He took a sip of his coffee. “It tastes better when someone else paid for it”.

Still munching on his food, Sehun raised both corners of his lip. They continued to eat their lunch in silence.

The short vibrate from his pants pocket made Sehun pulled his phone out. It was Seulgi.

Slug

Where are you now? Are you free?

Oh Sehun

I’m eating lunch with my friend. FSS cafeteria.

He took a sight at Jongin and remembered about their conversation last night.

Oh Sehun

He’s the one who blocked you yesterday. Maybe you wanna come here and asked him directly? 

“Why did you block Seulgi?”, Sehun said after placing his phone on the table.

That question made Jongin rolled his eyes. “She was too bothersome. Isn’t it good if she didn’t have to pay? Why did she keep asking me to be paid?”.

“She didn’t understand why you didn’t want to be paid. And so did I. Why? Is there any special reason behind it?”.

Sehun’s phone vibrated again, and he raised it in an instant.

Slug

OKAY, WAIT FOR ME!!! I’ll come there!!!! 

There was a brief silence between them two because Jongin was still busy chewing on his food. After that, he uttered, “I only accept payment from lazy and dumb kids. Not someone who just gone through something dreadful”.

Sehun stopped his hand that still held the chopsticks. His mouth slightly opened in awe.

“It was her first time letting someone do her task. I should say, she did it out of her will”.

“Whoa...”. Sehun shook his head. Every day, Jongin gave Sehun another reason to like him even more. “I don’t know you can be empathetic to others”.

“It’s not empathy. I just don’t like infringing my own rules”.

They resumed eating until Sehun detected a figure he knew so well coming in their direction. A girl with long, wavy light brown hair; wrapped in a red sweatshirt that she tucked into her high-waisted grey jeans. She caught Sehun’s face and waved her hand immediately with a big grin plastered on her face. Sehun waved back to her. 

And that’s when Jongin turned his head back.

As soon as Seulgi recognized Jongin’s face, the smile on her face melted into a frown. She paced faster towards their table and greeted Sehun first.

“How are you feeling now?”, Sehun asked her, even after he saw Seulgi’s eyes were a bit puffy.

“Still feel like ”. She took a seat on the side of their table; Sehun was on her right, Jongin was on her left. Seulgi turned her body to the left. “But I’m afraid I have something more to address here”.

Jongin kept his stoic expression without even glimpsing at Seulgi. He still ate his meal like Seulgi’s words were nothing.

“Do you really not want to be paid? I never faced someone like this before! You’re offering me your service, and then you blocked me?!”.

The way Jongin deliberately hit his chopstick down to the tray to make a clanking sound beckoned that he had reached his boiling point.

He then shifted his face at Seulgi, scooted closer until she shivered. 

“Fine. Then pay me for one million”.

The air they breathe collided with each other. Too damn near. Seulgi pulled herself away from Jongin. “One million?”.

“You said yourself that it wasn’t an easy task, right? If you can’t pay me for one million, then don’t. I don’t want to hear myself saying this one more time”.

Sehun noticed the tension between both of them growing, and it was something he had expected to see before. Jongin came back to his food, and Seulgi was still left speechless.

“Maybe you can explain to Seulgi why you didn’t want to be paid”, Sehun meddled in. “She will not bother you anymore if she understands”.

Jongin finished with the last bite of his lunch before uttering something Sehun and Seulgi never heard before.

“I almost died from starvation, dehydration, and blood loss a month ago after I broke up with my girlfriend. And if someone charged me for something that wasn’t even related to my survival at all, I swear they’ll be the one who sees God first before me. So, just shut up and enjoy your free service”.

And just like that, the two of them were silenced.

~***~

Seulgi kept stealing some glances at Jongin right after he and Sehun finished eating and got up. They walked away from the cafeteria with Sehun in the middle, Jongin on his right, and Seulgi on his left. Sehun had a class coming up at 1 PM, and Jongin had one too, at 1.30 PM. Seulgi didn’t have any left. So, when all three of them reached the Faculty of Social Science’s open space, Sehun halted and bid goodbye to both of them.

“See you later, Seulgi, Jongin”, he waved and turned away, walking to building B. Seulgi waved back and smiled. It left her alone with Jongin.

And it was...awkward. She finally had an opportunity to look at Jongin freely now, but at what cost? Jongin didn’t seem to be interested in conversing with her after what happened in the cafeteria. That was proven by how fast Jongin made a detour right after Sehun left.

“Wait, Jongin!”, Seulgi gathered her courage to stop him. It worked. Jongin stopped walking, and Seulgi approached him.

“What?”.

“I...Uhm...I...”, she was squeezing her own fingers. “I’m sorry for what I did yesterday. But, can you at least let me treat you with something? A meal? Food? Maybe drinking? I just...I want to appreciate your work because I think you deserve it”.

Judging from how Seulgi could not make constant eye contact with him, he thought Seulgi must have pulled every bravery she had to tell this to him. As much as he didn’t like to admit, it had softened a tiny, tiny part of his heart, if he still had any.

So, he surrendered from the thought that Seulgi might just pity him, and sighed. “Fine. Food it is”.

And just like that, Seulgi’s eyes were lit up with enthusiasm. She looked up at Jongin and plastered her big grin. “Really? Okay, okay, I know a perfect place for us. Oh! I’ll ask Sehun too! Is it okay for you?”.

“You should ask Sehun, not me”, Jongin replied. 

“Right. I... I’ll text Sehun later! And unblock me first. I’ll text you the location too. See you!”.

Seulgi darted away before Jongin even had a chance to say anything. Jongin was super cool, and all, and she couldn’t help but feel nervous to talk to him. So, before she messed everything up again, she fled away and hoping that Jongin didn’t find her weird. Wait. That was impossible. Maybe tolerating her behavior was enough.

And yes, Jongin did find her weird, that he kept gawking at the path Seulgi ran into after their conversation ended. But at least, he got a harmless impression from her. Like what he felt when he interacted with Sehun for the first time. 

Did he just make two new friends in the span of one week? 

That was beyond impressive for his rigid, unsociable demeanor.

~***~

On a busy road in Seoul after work hours, Sehun drove his car at medium speed and took approximately ten minutes to reach their destination from their campus. A Chinese restaurant squeezed by shops and other restaurants on its left and right, the street was narrow but crowded. The smoke that rose from the kitchen at the back carried a savory aroma that wafted as soon as those three stepped inside. Red chairs were dispersed all over the room, and most of them were still empty. They chose a spot in the back, right next to the cold drink refrigerator. 

“I will pay for tonight’s dinner. Seulgi will pay for your take away”, Sehun said just as they landed their on the chair. Seulgi smiled broadly. She danced a little with both of her hands.

“So, I should buy two meals?”, Jongin looked at Sehun, who was sitting in front of him, Seulgi, who was next to Sehun.

“Do you want more?”, this time it was Seulgi’s turn to ask.

“No, thanks. Two will be good”.

After looking through the menu book, Sehun called one of the waiters. Jongin raised an eyebrow when he heard the sentences in Chinese coming out of Sehun’s mouth. Every now and then, Sehun did falter, but from how the waiter nodded while taking notes, it seemed like what he said was still understandable. 

“I don’t know you can speak Chinese”, said Jongin when the waiter had left.

“They’ll give us more portion—”

“Sehun used to have a boyfriend—”

Sehun and Seulgi immediately looked into each other. Sehun, whose eyes widened as if he wanted to stab Seulgi — and Seulgi, who reflexively tilted her head to the back. 

“Wait...I thought Jongin knew...”, Seulgi whispered.

“Not the boyfriend part!”. 

Jongin looked at the two people in turn. Funny that they kept their voices to be low but he could still hear them anyway.

“What portion, and what boyfriend?”, Jongin moved his torso forward, his hands folded on the table. Interesting. Looks like Sehun and Seulgi have two different versions of the story.

“W-when I ordered in Chinese, they gave me a bigger portion,” Sehun said calmly, but the tips of his feet, which were now tapping on the floor frequently, couldn’t cover his anxiety. He glimpsed at Seulgi again. The girl chuckled and patted Sehun on the shoulder.

“You tell him. It’s your story”, said Seulgi, knowing what Sehun wanted to say to her.

Sehun swallowed hard. Jongin continued to stare at him, silently urging Sehun to talk.

“Fine. My ex is Chinese”. Now, it was Sehun’s hand that couldn’t stay still. He kept fidgeting against the gold-red plastic table cover. “He...he was an exchange student. We learned each other’s language when we were dating”.

“How sweet”, Jongin smirked. “Wait...was he an exchange student in our faculty? I might know—”.

“Nope, he was in Cultural and Literature Studies. I knew him through a friend of mine”.

“Ah. So, why did you guys break up?”.

That damned question. Every time someone asked Sehun the reason why they broke up, the answer stuck in his throat. He was able to let it out into words only with a tremendous amount of effort. Most of the time, his lips would be sealed tight.

Because until this time, Sehun still couldn’t accept the truth.

Seulgi took this cue to pat his arm as a comfort. She then looked at Jongin with a stern gaze. “I forgot that bastard’s name. What’s his name? Luhan? Yeah. He left him without any word when he came back to China. Ghosting? Whatever you call it”.

“Oh...”. Jongin just nodded his head. He studied Sehun’s facial expression that looked ordinary, but if he looked closely, the corners of Sehun’s lips dropped a little. 

Luckily, the awkward situation was saved by the presence of the waitress who brought their food trays. The heat and the scent were so tickling to their smelling sense. They ate in silence, indulged in the taste.

Seulgi stole a glance at Sehun and Jongin. Now it would be not just her and Sehun anymore, Seulgi liked it better. The more, the merrier. 

And that’s when Seulgi was struck by a realization. 

“So...all three of us are single now?”.

Jongin and Sehun immediately looked up. They stared at each other silently, agreeing in their hearts, but didn’t know where Seulgi would direct this narrative.

“And then?”, Sehun asked.

“Are you both interested in dating again?”, said Seulgi. “For me, I don’t. I mean, I usually did. I have never been single for more than a month before, duh. But this guy really traumatized me”.

Jongin downed his cold tea from the glass. “How are you never being single for more than a month? Do you own a stock of men?”.

Seulgi shrugged her shoulder. “If men are stock, Tinder and Twitter are the farms, then”. She said it nonchalantly, like it didn’t mean much to her, while she picked up the noodle with her chopstick. 

Jongin narrowed his eyes. 

Meanwhile, Sehun replied to her question. “You know my answer”.

Of course, Sehun’s answer is no. Seulgi looked at Sehun; her lips were pouty. She was a hundred percent sure if Sehun started opening up to people again, it would be effortless for him to get a better person. 

But Sehun chose not to. Two months had passed, and his heart was still tied to the same person. He was anchored to the sea of dismal, unable to get up. The grief would not go away. Even when the person who caused it had already left.

“And you, Jongin?”.

“I’ll skip that”, Jongin took a piece of tangsuyuk meat and put it in his mouth for him to chew. The concept of dating felt irrelevant to him for the time being. How if he was head over heels towards someone, and then they found out the mental illness he had? From his experience, they will leave. 

No, it was just one person. One significant person who could not be compared to even ten thousand regular people. Because what good ten thousand people did if they didn’t give him so much to remember?

“Okay, let’s say that we don’t want to date. But you still crave affection, right?”, Seulgi was still trying to defend her argument. She glanced at Sehun for backup, and luckily Sehun nodded.

“I think we all do”, said Sehun.

Jongin didn’t say anything. He will not verbally admit that what Seulgi said is true. It is enough for him and God only to know.

“I know the perfect solution for us”. Seulgi smiled, but this time it wasn’t as fun as usual. Only one corner of her lips and eyebrows are raised, a rather mischievous expression written all over her face. Sehun and Jongin stopped what they were doing to look at Seulgi.

“What’s that?”, Jongin asked.

“Have you ever heard about boyfriend and girlfriend for rent?”.

~***~

Jongin refused to converse in this matter, but Seulgi kept on insisting.

“I will never, ever be engaged in something so superficial like that”. 

Jongin opened the back passenger seat’s door and got in before he slammed it as a way of asserting his standpoint. “What is the point of exchanging things you both know is fake and pretend like it’s not? Why do you want us to delude ourselves like a fool?”.

Seulgi banged the front passenger seat’s door even harder. “And why do you care so much about being fake or not? Does it really matter? Come on, Jongin, you’re being too rigid right now”. 

“Do I really have to have a reason to justify my thoughts? I can do whatever I want without considering your opinion”. 

“Okay, let’s say that you are holding on to that, but didn’t you want to meet the rest of the people in this world outside your small circle? Do you even have friends? Or potential lovers?”. 

Sehun didn’t say anything as he put in the key. He only hoped that both of those hot-headed individuals were not causing any damage to his car doors after they put a heinous force on it. The engine started to roar, his hands turned the steering wheel to get the car out of the row.

His silence was actually an embodiment of how he was actually on a similar boat as Jongin. But the difference between them two was: Jongin was ruled by his idealistic belief, while Sehun was strained by his preference. He couldn’t see himself whisper sweet poems to a woman, even if it was just an act. Even thinking about it made him jittery. And if he didn’t want to lie to himself, he wouldn’t be okay to bring his little secret out into the light for people to see. Being inside the closet was his plan. As long as the land he stands on does not give him the freedom to kiss whoever he wants. 

“Do you realize that some people’s priority does not include having a partner? I don’t have the capability of taking care of other people’s feelings, let alone to exploit that”.

“So you’ll going to stuck with squeezing your brain out because you want money from lazy kids instead of having fun with other people at your age?”, Seulgi turned her body to the back to look at Jongin.

“Yeah, you have a problem?”, Jongin refuted. “It is my life, not yours. Not all people are like you, and you don’t have any business to shove what you deemed as good to my throat. If you wanna go with your option, cool, do it, but don’t drag me into this”. 

Seulgi squinted her eyes and nodded. “Right. You’re right. I love meeting new possible lovers. At least I admit to myself that I need a lot of attention and affection from other people, unlike you who are being denial to yourself”.

“Oh, so you know everything about me, now?”, Jongin scooted closer; his hand was on Seulgi’s seat’s shoulder. “Tell me more. Come on, psychoanalyze me. Am I insane for not wanting to date and around? Pull out your therapist card. You learned it in your class, don’t you?”.

“That’s what not what I meant”, Seulgi facepalmed herself. “You know what? Why would I care to tell this idea to both of you? You have a perplexing, idiosyncratic stance that I don’t understand at all, and you, Sehun, you’re not helping with your silence”.

Sehun kept his eyes on the road while letting a heavy breath escaped his lips. He didn’t like any kind of altercation, and staying away from it was his most used route. “Are you sure you wanna do this, Seulgi? What if things get messy at the end?”.

“What’s the worst that could happen, actually?”, Seulgi replied. “I’ve survived tons of breakups, and I’m still fine. I don’t have anything to lose”.

“And I have a lot of things to lose”. Jongin already returned to his former position, head and back on the backrest. He didn’t really mean what he just said, actually, but confronting Seulgi came on the first priority before telling the truth. 

Seulgi folded both of her arms in front of her chest and stared at the buildings and roads outside the window. Arguing with Jongin felt like screaming into a wall of bricks. 

The rest of the ride was engulfed in silence. Sehun propelled his elbow on the window to support his left cheek, once in a while taking a glance at Jongin’s reflection in the mirror. He started to question whether his decision to involve Jongin in his friendship with Seulgi was correct. Would they be okay with each other later?

Sehun stepped the brake at a slow pace until his car entirely stopped. They have arrived in front of Seulgi’s apartment building. The girl beside him took the sling of her tote bag into her shoulder, and she turned her head to Sehun.

“Thanks for today”, she said with a smile, which Sehun returned with a nod. Seulgi threw her gaze to the rear mirror to check up on Jongin, but that guy seemed unbothered at much. He opened the door to get out. Not even a second he took his time to look at Seulgi.

Now that Seulgi and Jongin were outside of the car, Seulgi purposely stood facing Jongin, knowing that the guy would turn to the front passenger seat after this. Inevitably, Jongin looked up to glance at Seulgi. 

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier”, she said. Her lips pursed into a thin line. “It’s fine if you don’t think any good about my idea”.

Jongin responded with a scoff. “It’s not that serious. What are you, preschool kid?”.

Seulgi sighed, her eyes closed. After a moment, she quickly punched his arm. He winced. The desire to avenge the girl’s actions peaked when she saw Seulgi chuckling, amused. 

“Yak, Kang Seulgi!”.

“You should know how much I hate you for that”. Seulgi turned around and walked into the building through the sliding door, flashing her middle finger to the air without looking at him.

Jongin kept looking at Seulgi until the girl disappeared utterly.

When he confirmed that neither Sehun nor Seulgi could see his current face, Jongin slowly raised the corners of his lips into a tiny smile.

~***~

If the acoustic guitar that had been standing beside Jongin’s TV table could talk, it would squeal in high tone because Jongin finally picked it up after weeks of leaving it in the dust. 

He brought that guitar along with the ashtray to his apartment balcony. The wind was cold to his bones because it brushed his face and even pierced through his sweatshirt. Jongin sat on the floor, his back rested on the wall. He pulled out the pack from his pocket and lit his cigarette up. His lips were pressed tight around the stick as he inhaled deeply.

Honestly, he missed playing with this six-string instrument. But the last one month was hellish and every time his finger landed on the string it would only irk him with jumbled tunes. Like the first time he learned to adjust his hand on the guitar that seemed too big for his tiny 7-year-old body. The past lingered on the back of his mind like it had not happened 14 years ago, where heartbreak, disappointment, and betrayal were foreign to his understanding. 

But now, as he made up random melodies with a guitar that seemed just in proportional size to his body, he had changed into a new Kim Jongin. The Jongin who had survived tons of wretchedness, who depended on nicotine and caffeine every day, who found comfort in grazing cutter or scissor or anything sharp to his thighs so he could transfer the pain from his heart to his skin. 

What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.

It was hard for the 15-year-old Jongin to grasp that one line from The Myth of Sisyphus. Or other Camus’ ideas about absurdism and the meaning of life. Perhaps, aside from reading something that wasn’t in his mother tongue, his lack of understanding derived from his lack of experiences. 

But then a year later he met Jennie—the girl who stole everyone’s attention since day one she stepped into the school as a new transfer student. She was the perfect embodiment for that sentence. He would die for her. He would live for her. 

And Jennie would do the same to him.

The only difference between them was, Jennie finally ditched the idea after five years. 

She figured out that living or dying for someone who couldn’t even love his own self like he loved her was exhausting as . Jongin could promise her a thousand times that he would change, that he would heal, that he would strive to be a fully functioned human—but in the end, Jongin would fall into the same pit while dragging her with him. Over and over again. And Jennie no longer wanted to lend her hand out, or else, she would join him in the darkness. 

As Jongin exhaled the smoke from his cigarette, he shut his eyes tightly.

When you lose the motivation behind your behavior, the gate would crumble down, and what you’ve previously avoided would come back without hindrance. 

He still saw her profile once in a while, even though not as excessive as before, just to get a glimpse of how she was doing without him.

And she was fine. Or looked fine, he didn’t want to clarify that to her. 

Turned out that a few days ago Jennie just posted some new photos on her public Instagram. Jongin was blocked from her private account and he did the same thing to her, but they left their main profile untouched. 

She was at a cafe, sitting down on a chair next to the wall with a cup of coffee and a plate of chocolate cake slices. She stared at the camera with no expression on the first pic. Very typical of her. Jongin slid to the second photo on that post to find her smiling, and it still made him smile too. 

It was before he noticed something had gone missing from her.

Under her cream knit cardigan, Jennie was wearing a black tube-top that left the part from her shoulder to her upper chest uncovered. Uncovered enough for Jongin to see no more black inks on her upper left chest anymore.

It could be edited, right?

But when he swiped left three more times, his assumption was shattered by a video of her talking to her friend. It really wasn’t there. The tattoo was gone. It left a slight discoloration on her chest, but the letter KJ wasn’t anywhere in sight.

Jongin held onto the iron railing of his balcony and accidentally threw his remaining cigarette down with his shaking hand. His phone fell to the floor, but not even the loud clanking sound could make him surprised. He rubbed his right lower rib from the outside of his shirt. That was where his KJ tattoo was located. How he wished he could rip that piece of skin from his body to throw it away like it never existed.

He hated it. He hated when he could feel his chest tight and cold, then it spread to his shoulders, hands, feet, to his whole body. And then everything inside his gut strained into a stiff knot. In no time, his heartbeat was continuously breaking the record of its previous speed. 

He had to sink his head down to his thigh and absorb what the just happened.

Jennie had decided to move on. When he was even still struggling to get on his own feet.

~***~

Jongin @___@

Do you have class tomorrow?

Seulgi found it weird to see Jongin texted her at this late hour. And even weirder to see the content of the text. After the ‘fight’ earlier too.

Seulgi Kang

Yeah, why?

Jongin @___@

When and where?

Seulgi Kang

9.30. C-304. 

Why? What’s wrong?

And that was it. Jongin left her on read. He took less than one second to reply, but when he already got what he wanted, he vanished into thin air like it was nothing.

“What is his problem?”. Seulgi scoffed and put her phone under her pillow. It was already midnight and waiting for his text wouldn’t be that worth it, anyway. Double texting would not be the best option too considering how Jongin was not hesitant to block her if she did something absurd.

But she didn’t expect what happened the following day when she arrived at her class and chatting with her friends while waiting for their professor.

Through the widely open door, Jongin walked inside with fast steps and still gasping for breath due to running through 3 floors within less than one minute. The students at the front part of the class immediately stared at him, and it followed to the students at the middle, until students at the back—the place where Seulgi sat with her friends. Everyone except Seulgi had one exact same thought: who is this unknown guy? Class had been running for almost a month now and his face didn’t ring a bell.

When he arrived at Seulgi’s seat, all of her friends stopped talking to look at him. Seulgi too, turning her position from facing the back of her seat to the front.

“Jongin?!”, her eyes widened in surprise to see the most unexpected person arrived at this room 2 minutes before the class began. He was wearing all black from head to toe, and seeing how he was panting for his life, Jongin might not have the time to coordinate a more creative palette for his outfit. Or maybe Jongin just didn’t like bright colors at all. Like he always been.

Jongin took no time to grab Seulgi’s arm and forced her to run away from this class, inviting curious stares and whispers from her classmates. Many thoughts arise from Seulgi’s mind. The class was about to start. Her prof wouldn’t be too pleased to see an empty chair with a bag, but without the owner. His grip was too firm and she was afraid her arm already reddened by now. They were heading towards space under the stairs.

“What the hell, Jongin?!”. Seulgi quickly released her arm away from his palm. “I’ve told you that I have class—“.

“I was planning to wake up at 7. But I overslept. And I couldn’t hold this thought any longer or I will explode”, Jongin bent down to put both his palms on his knees. Maybe he should cut down his nicotine intake if he didn’t want to embarrass himself with weak stamina like this.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and said, “It’s better to be worth it or you’ll see no tomorrow”.

Jongin finally straightened up his body. He was ready to utter his thought and to receive every possibility of responses from Seulgi. 

“I changed my mind. What should we do if we want to be boyfriend and girlfriend for rent?”.

Seulgi slowly dragged her feet, then her body backward to the wall, until it hit her and she stopped. She stared right at both of Jongin’s eyes, and she was anxious to see a missing sign of sarcasm or intentional joking in him. 

He was dead serious. 

Like, absolutely, unmistakably, serious about this.

Oh my god.

~***~