it's not that often when seungwan can catch joohyun unprepared. joohyun is usually a few steps ahead of her. so when she walks past a lecture hall and sees joohyun doodling, she stops.

unaware of her surroundings, joohyun looks deep in thought. beautiful. even in the low light, unflattering to everyone, she looks unearthly.

what would she think about? could it be… seungwan doesn't dare to think about it but somewhere deep in her heart, she wishes that joohyun thinks of her too.

that when she can't sleep, she'll toss and turn, think of her lips. think of when joohyun last saw her, wonder if she's sleeping well.

and now, maybe she's thinking of seungwan too.

joohyun looks up and seungwan's heart leaps in . why does her eyes look so unforgiving? as if she knew what seungwan was wishing for…

“did you really think any of it was real?” joohyun laughs, “you're funny.”

seungwan blinks.

“we're pretending. don't get caught up. because, honestly? you're repulsive.”

seungwan jerks up from her sleep. she's in her bed. it's dawn —the sun is just coming up. this again, seungwan sighs. she dreamt of nonsense again.

…right?

seungwan scratches her chest where her heart is, through the shirt. it's just makes it worse. she's a person like that—when she wants to something to be better, she ends up ruining it.

it's probably why she is thinking about joohyun lately. back when she didn't know joohyun, she always saw her as an emotionless being. someone who just didn't feel sad or happy. she just existed somewhere outside of that realization that all humans feel.

touching and playing with joohyun changed her perception. she does feel. a lot probably. she's a little sad and always lonely. joohyun frows in her sleep. when she's laughing she looks close to tears.

it's like that. a delicate line between two extremes.

like seungwan loving her and being in love with her. at first, she thought maybe she just cared about her a lot. they were friends after all and they did all those things — seungwan flushes alone in her bedroom — but friends don't want to bend over and have their way with the other.

and also… friends don't feel yearning to be close. seungwan doubts kibum and seulgi wants to stay up all night texting and they don't randomly want to hear each other's voice. kibum won't feel fear of losing seulgi and seulgi won't feel her heart freaking out at the thought of not getting to see kibum for a day.

seungwan wants to lay in bed with joohyun right now instead of thinking about all that and she wants to just look at her. just mere joohyun's presence calms her. like a sunny day in the spring and lying under a tree while the warm wind blows through her hair. her body feels warm even if it's cold. she doesn't want anything if joohyun doesn't.

she'd fight the most powerful being on earth if that made joohyun happy. she'd probably lose but… if there was a chance that joohyun would smile because of that then so be it.

and how can she leave? how can she just decide she's going to spend less time with joohyun?

seungwan sighs, her hands cover her face. it would be a great release to scream at the top of her lungs right now but her family is sleeping and her sister would kill her.

how can she choose music over joohyun? because at the back of her mind, she's fully aware the moment she leaves the student council, it's over. no more joohyun waiting for her, no more staring at joohyun as she talks, no more trying to get joohyun's friends to tell her something more about joohyun.

jennie would not look at her twice after she leaves. kibum would probably say hi but the pity in his eyes would tell her everything she needs to know. seulgi would be her friend but slowly that would end because she's still closer to joohyun than her.

and joohyun? why would she need her anymore if she was not by her side?

joohyun accepted a fake relationship because seungwan promised no more love confessions from randoms. who's going to stop them when they know joohyun is not going to be with her girlfriend when she's in the council? they will queue up one by one and start going behind seungwan's back. they would probably try to break them up.

seungwan clenches her jaw— as if they are dating for real.

they are, they are! something argues in her. they are dating, it's real. it's real for joohyun too. isn't it?

seungwan sits up, tossing the covers off of her body. she can't take this. she's going for a run.

“we got a letter.” her sister says casually over breakfast, “they want you back in the music club?”

“what? that's great news!” her mom cheers as seungwan stops eating.

“i’m not rejoining.” she hopes to leave it at that.

“why?” her dad frowns, “don't you love singing?”

“what happened to the music career?” her mom asks, “you worked so hard for it.”

“are you sure?”

“i…” seungwan sighs, “i like being in the council.”

“power got to her head.” her sister remarks.

“sweetheart, is it because of joohyun?”

“i’m sure she won't mind.” her mother smiles, “you should invite her over again,” she adds but seungwan is already shaking her head.

“she's preparing for a debate.” seungwan reaches for some bread, “she has enough things to do.”

“maybe we should go watch her.” her dad mutters to his wife.

“stooop.” seungwan whines, “why would you go there? don't embarrass me.”

her phone pings.

“speak of the devil..” her sister grins.

seungwan rolls her eyes and gets off her chair, grabbing her phone in one swift movement.

“at least finish eating.” her dad frowns.

“she's in love, dad.” her sister teases, “what's eating if she can be full by simply looking at joohyun?”

“it is nice that she has someone.” her mother comments. “she's been alone for too long.”

seungwan sighs as she opens joohyun's text.

‘wanna walk to uni together?’

how can she say no to that?

“it seems like people like us together.” joohyun comments, hands on her bag's straps, she's the epitome of cool. “your friend yeri threatened me that she's going to break my legs.”

seungwan blinks, “why would she?”

“she said i shouldn't break your heart.” joohyun laughs much like she does in her dreams right before she spits at her face.

“good luck with that.” seungwan mutters.

“huh?” joohyun frowns.

“is that why you wanted to walk together?” seungwan asks, “because people like us together?”

“yes.” joohyun answers not looking at her.

seungwan wants to feel disappointed but she can't. she gets to walk with joohyun after all, she gets to see her before lectures. that doesn't happen too often so she'll take what she can get.

“did you sleep well?” joohyun asks.

“no, i should skip classes and sleep in the council room.”

“ha, like hell you are.” joohyun grabs her in a headlock.

“i was joking!” seungwan cries out, surprised by the grip, “i was teasing.”

“why are you teasing me?” joohyun breathes out against her ear, seungwan taps her forearm.

joohyun loosens the grip and lets her go, she grins at flushed seungwan's face, claiming victory in something that wasn't a battle.

seungwan loves when joohyun is playful. her good mood is contagious, she finds herself annoying her more than usual just to continue this little game. it's like little kids flirting and she loves how joohyun can step into any role.

she can be her best friend and she can be her lover. she knows when to pull which card and since seungwan is so worried about her lover joohyun, her best friend joohyun is here.

seungwan doesn't know what she was doing at that restaurant with older men, joohyun looked uncomfortable there. when their eyes met then she looked scared and it took a lot out of seungwan not to chase after her.

she's being safe, right? seungwan swallows as joohyun skips ahead of her, claiming that they were racing all this time.

she's not — seungwan works her jaw side to side —she's not sleeping with any of them, right? would joohyun tell her that she's not the only one who can claim her body? would she keep it a secret?

“you're going to hurt yourself.” joohyu