The first hint Kim Taehyung was irrevocably in love with Park Jimin was that he saw Jimin in everything.

In the little heart lollipops Jimin had once held up to his face with a laugh, a coy grin teasing his lips that drove Taehyung insane. Taehyung had buried the feelings fluttering in his chest, refusing to process it for months. In the scarf displayed around the mannequin in the little cozy shop he passed every day. It was fuzzy and baby blue and everything Jimin loved. He even saw Park Jimin in the video games Taehyung played with Jungkook. Not because Jimin was good at them, but because he was so bad. Jimin would have hated playing Mario Kart with him. He would have played two rounds before losing interest entirely, pestering Taehyung with prodding fingers and his head on Taehyung’s lap until Taehyung forget why he would even want to play video games when Jimin was right here next to him.

When Taehyung realized what he felt he panicked and bottled it all up. Shoving all those distressing thoughts down with schoolwork and anything else he could grasp at for a distraction. Jimin was his best friend. He had never hinted at wanting more and Taehyung loved their friendship more than he could ever risk losing it for something more.

Years passed that way, going from high school to college and Taehyung never uttering a word. Taehyung hated it, but Jimin was so happy. He had never been happier. Taehyung would never say anything to change that. Not even if that meant he had to be miserable.

“Do you remember that day? Our field trip back in high school?”

Taehyung hand stilled, peering at Jimin as the boy stared straight up at the ceiling.  His hair was a sandy blonde and fluffed across his forehead. He wore a loose dress shirt and slacks, a new fashion of his that he had been wearing since coming to college. As if sensing Taehyung’s perusal he turned towards him, Taehyung’s throat bobbing as he tightened his grip on his pencil.

“Of course,” Taehyung muttered, refusing to look anymore. How could he forget that day? It changed everything.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but-”

“Then let’s not,” Taehyung interrupted.

Jimin let out a sigh, sitting up as he grabbed his backpack. “I should go, Tae. I’ll talk to you later.”

Taehyung didn’t answer, working on his essay and refusing to acknowledge him. How could Jimin bring up that day so casually when he knew that was the worst day of Taehyung’s life? He couldn’t understand it.

He didn’t want to talk about it. Things were that simple. It was the one thing Taehyung remained immovable about even when Park Jimin was pitted against him.

The door clicked and his roommate came in. Hoseok let out a drawn out groan, tossing his bag on his bed along with himself. “Junior year already. I don’t know how I’m going to survive senior year.”

Hoseok was a business major with plans to eventually open a business of his own with Namjoon. Another guy in their friend group Taehyung had only met after going to college.

He’d known Hoseok his entire life. Hoseok lived down the street from him. They played together after school and during the summer their entire childhood. Then changed their hangouts to things like karaoke and PC bang’s in their teenage years. When it was time to go to college Taehyung’s parents convinced him to head to the same college Hoseok went to. They had good programs for social work, and Taehyung didn’t mind. It was good to know someone who already knew the layout of campus. Someone who could help him when he was struggling to figure out what the hell was going on with his head under water half the time.

It was another thing that changed after that day. He never knew what he wanted to do with his life until then, but afterwards it became too clear.

Hoseok was staring at something on Taehyung’s desk. Taehyung followed his gaze until he realized Hoseok was studying a picture of him and Jimin from high school. Jimin had forced him to take the picture, wrapping his arm around Taehuyng’s neck whose face was wrinkled in annoyance. Jimin was in a full out laugh, eyes crescent moon’s and cheeks so round Taehyung’s fingers begged to pinch them. Sometimes he did. Not that Jimin liked when he did that. It was a complex of his.

It had somehow ended up his favorite picture of Jimin. He’d framed it immediately upon seeing it, stomach buzzing with things unsaid every time he looked at it. Things he would never say if he had anything to do with it.

“I’ve got a date this weekend.”

Hoseok watched Taehyung for his reaction. The latter arched a single brow, a small smile on his lips. “Is that so?”

“Yeah, I could hook you up too and we could double date?”

Hoseok’s eyes gleamed at him from across the room. Taehyung blinked a few times, lips pursed as he let out a sigh. Taehyung was certain everyone but Park Jimin realized he was in love with him.

“No thanks, hyung.”

“You know, you should really move on from-”

“I don’t want to.”

Taehyung’s eyes burned. He blinked rapidly, pen flying across the page as he worked on his essay. His teacher insisted on handwritten work instead of on the computer for some obscene reason. At least he had a good grade in the class.

“Alright,” Hoseok sighed, standing up reluctantly.

Taehyung paused, staring at the door Hoseok had exited. Sometimes Taehyung thought he was just as much of a fool everyone thought him to be.

---

 

The way the strobe lights in the trashy nightclub still bothered him told Taehyung he was no where close enough to the amount of wasted he wanted to be. Jimin was dancing on the floor alone and it was doing things to him. He wanted to be so drunk he couldn’t see. That no one would have a clue he was in love with Park Jimin. That Taehyung couldn’t even recall the fact himself.

“You doing okay, kid?”

Taehyung used the palm of his hand to rub at his eyes, letting out a groan as he forced himself to focus on the voice in front of him. It was some guy Taehyung had never met. A friend of Hoseok’s. He seemed the quiet type, more interested in observing than partaking. A curiosity in a club like this.

He had bleached blonde hair and was a bit shorter than Taehyung. Cat-like eyes that played tricks on Taehyung’s mind making him want to drop his head on the table in exasperation. He hated being at clubs. They were dirty and disgusting and vile. He refused to go into the bathrooms knowing what type of sordid trysts were happening in there.

But here, he could forget everything.

At least for a moment he could ignore how miserable he was. He could pretend memories of a boy whose hand reached out, Taehyung failing to grasp didn’t haunt him. How he could never have what he yearned for more than anything in the world.

Park Jimin became obsolete when a few bottles of soju faced him.

“Define okay,” Taehyung slurred. He was more honest when drunk. Not that he remembered half the things he said when deep into the bottle. If anyone asked if he wanted to know what he said once sober he refused. Whatever it was, Taehyung was certain it would be embarrassing.

The strategy had been working well. So far, he couldn’t have said anything too crazy. No one ever looked at him differently after a night on the town, drunk enough that someone needed to drag him back for some place to stay. Usually not at the college dorms. The campus didn’t tend to enjoy their students coming back drunk off their asses.

Yoongi shook his head, a quiet laugh showing his amusement. “You know, Hoseok was trying to set us up on a date earlier this week.”

The words sobered him more than he cared to be. Leave it to Hoseok to somehow get Taehyung in the same room on some faux date he didn’t want. Whatever. It wasn’t like the dude would want him after this. He wiped at his chin to get rid of the drool, reaching for another bottle. Yoongi stopped him before he could get it.

“Woah, I think it’s about time you got cut off. Do you even know your name at this point?”

“Kim Taehyung,” he said, as if this in fact proved his sobriety. “One more,” he begged, reaching for another bottle desperately.

From the corner of his eyes Jimin began doing body rolls. Taehyung did drop his head on the table at that, letting out an exasperated groan.

“Need to talk about it?”

“I’m in love with my friend,” Taehyung admitted, forcing himself into a sitting position. It worried Yoongi enough that he inched closer, helping to prevent Taehyung from smashing his head against something else.

Yoongi’s eyes fluttered back and forth. “You’re talking about Jimin?”

Taehyung straightened with a hiccup, delighted that Yoongi knew of him. “Yes, Jimin. Beautiful, perfect Park Jimin. I’ll never be able to be with him.”

“Hoseok mentioned it to me,” Yoongi said carefully, throat bobbing. Yoongi was hesitant about the subject, but Taehyung pushed though.

“Why would you agree to go on a date with me if you know about him?”

If Taehyung had not been as drunk as he was, he would have caught the pity in Yoongi’s gaze. But Taehyung could barely count his fingers let alone anything else. “Hoseok said you’ve been lonely. The type of lonely where you can be in a room filled with people and still feel that way. Even if nothing came of the date I figured we could be friends.”

Lonely. Now that Taehyung thought about it he had felt that way. “Jimin always makes it go away.”

“Did you feel lonely before?”

Something about the way Yoongi said it gave Taehyung paused. As if he knew about that day and everything that happened. When Taehyung’s world, his future, went crashing down and he was left with nothing but a gaping hole for a heart and condolences that made him feel even worse.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Taehyung mumbled, his stomach lurching as he struggled to force himself to stand. All it accomplished was him puking his guts on the floor and security deciding he’d had enough and kicking him out.

He laid on the sidewalk, ignoring the grime and smeared gum on the pavement as he studied the stars. Taehyung hadn’t been the first to be thrown out that night if he were to judge the vomit splayed across the nearby wall. It didn’t smell as bad as he thought, but it could be because he was too drunk to realize it.

Hoseok stood above him blocking his view. Concern tugged at his brow, Yoongi’s blot of platinum blonde popping up for a moment as well.

“Oh, Taehyung,” Hoseok sighed, reaching down to help him up. “Come on. Let’s get you back home.”

Yoongi went to his other side without a word and all three of them hailed a taxi together. Yoongi and Hoseok began to converse. It appeared the two were closer than Taehyung realized despite Taehyung never meeting him before. Then he realized that train of thought was stupid. Of course Hoseok was friends with people Taehyung didn’t know. Hoseok didn’t live inside ty clubs and the school campus the entirety of his college career.

“You guys can just stay at my place for the night. I have a couch you guys can crash on,” Yoongi suggested.

“We normally stay at Namjoon’s when Taehyung gets like this, but you live closer to campus.”

Taehyung keyed out of the conversation. Like this. Those words were like a splinter wedged beneath his nail. Hoseok said it as if Taehyung did this all the time. He didn’t. Only on the weekends sometimes, and Hoseok was the one to suggest going out this time. “S-not my fault,” he mumbled.

Hoseok’s arm tightened around him. “I really wish you would get help. But every time someone suggests it you refuse. We’ve all begged you to, even your parents, but every time you just get this obstinate look on your face. The one that tells us you’re not even listening anymore.”

“Hurts too much,” was all he could say. All he could think about. He never wanted to remember. The chaos as they fought tooth and nail to get up the rapidly increasing incline, sweat marring their brows. The fear in his eyes as Taehyung let go, too weak to hold on. He wanted to put it all away in a box and never open it again.

“I’m just amazed you function as well as you do,” Hoseok said quietly. “It’s the only reason your parents never signed you up for therapy against your will. They worried it would make things worse when it’s clear you’re doing so much better in school.”

Yes, school. He had never cared about it before. Not until that day. It was then he realized in order to be able to help people he had to have a degree, and that meant good grades.

He’d thrown himself into his schoolwork afterwards. He had never done well before, surpassing everyone’s expectations of him. He had been average at school. More interested in hanging out with friends and his hobby of photography. He left all of that behind the day everything changed.

Except Hoseok.

It was like Hoseok had a sense to know exactly how much to push Taehyung before it was too much. But then again, they had grown up together. They were basically brothers.

“He never talks about it?” Yoongi asked.

“Sometimes when he’s drunk he will. I think in his mind it never happened. That’s what it seems like.”

“I’m sure he’ll talk about it when he’s ready,” Yoongi said softly.

“I hope.”

Taehyung lost consciousness, head bobbing as he floated away into blessed darkness.

---

 

When Taehyung awoke his forehead gave a vicious throb and he let out a groan, frowning as he stared at the ceiling with one eye squeezed shut. He cracked an eye open disoriented. He didn’t have a fan on his ceiling, and his bed sat to the left corner of the room not the right.

His first attempt to sit up found himself back where he started. His second managing to curl over as the blood rushed to his head. A pale hand reached into his line of vision, two pills tucked into the center. Taehyung didn’t hesitated to swallow them dry, only reaching for the glass of water afterwards.

Taehyung vaguely remembered the guy in front of him. Bleached blonde hair with cat-like features. Something about him being the person Hoseok planned to put Taehyung on a blind date with. He was more confused than anything. Taehyung wasn’t the type to do hook-ups when drunk and upon moving the blanket he found himself still dressed in his clothes from the night before.

“We didn’t if you’re trying to work that out.” Yoongi had a wiry smile on his face, Taehyung’s brows rising at the bluntness of his statement.

“Where is Hoseok?”

Yoongi stood, stretching his back as he disappeared into the kitchen. “It’s 10 AM. He had to go to work.”

If Hoseok thought Yoongi was trustworthy enough to leave Taehyung half-hungover with Yoongi he wouldn’t question it. Sometimes Hoseok did things to annoy him, but he had never went against Taehyung’s best interest.

Even when Taehyung was against his own best interest.

“What do you major in?” Taehyung attempted to make small talk as he came back to the realm of the living.

“Music production. I plan on composing and writing songs after I graduate.”

Taehyung blinked several times, the cogs in his mind beginning to gain traction. Min Yoongi. As in the music major who already had hit songs on the radio, working with popular artists such as Suran and veterans like Lee Sora. There was even a rumor that there was a song with IU in the works that Yoongi had his hands on.

That Min Yoongi, who Taehyung was recalling he nearly puked on the night before. It was a blessing he couldn’t make sense of the few memories he had. “I’m so sorry for whatever I did last night,” he whined.

Yoongi let out a chuckle, ruffling his hair making Taehyung’s stomach flutter in a way that made him want to throw up. He refused to. He embarrassed himself enough last night. It would be his punishment to swallow it if he did.

“The meds will work in a few more minutes. You should drink the water. It’ll make you feel better.”

Taehyung leaned back against the wall. The bed didn’t have a headboard in true college fashion. Even the dorms didn’t have them, filled with a bunch of bunk beds and twin sized beds wrapped in metal bars. Kids still fell off them. More because half of the college population were still idiots.

He would not under any circumstances admit he was part of that percentage. Not when no one had seen his downfall. Only a faint bruise which he brushed off when Hoseok asked stood as proof and that had long disappeared.

Taehyung let out a sigh of relief, rubbing his forehead as the fog began to lift from his mind. He’d spoke to Yoongi about Jimin. He could recall that much. He just couldn’t remember what he’d said.

“If I said anything last night-”

“Don’t worry about it. You were hammered.”

“I hope I wasn’t too embarrassing,” Taehyung mumbled, fumbling with the edge of the blanket.

“You were fine. I thought it was cute.”

That single word played over in his mind, cheeks flushing as he turned away and busied himself with finding his shoes. “I should go.”

“If you want.”

The offer was put out there, Yoongi’s intense gaze telling Taehyung all he needed to know. He wasn’t ready for this. Besides, he was in love with Park Jimin. That would never change. He wondered what happened to Jimin last night after Taehyung was dragged home but figured he was fine. Jimin always was.

“You’re really a life saver. My RA is already pissed at my weekend habits.” Another warning and he might get a worried call to his parents about what he was up to. Hoseok had been attempted to save his since, keeping Taehyung clear from their dorm whenever they went on a binger.

“You’re welcome. Any time.” Taehyung’s brows rose, refusing to look up at the elder. Taehyung trudged his way to the door, Yoongi opening it for him. But not before taking Taehyung’s arm and writing a number on it. “If you ever need anything,” he said airily.

The door shut behind him, Taehyung leaning against it wondering what just happened and why his heart beat like a hummingbird’s wings in his chest.

---

 

Jimin had a knowing look in his eyes. Even while drinking his coffee he didn’t look away from Taehyung. “So who is this Yoongi I saw you with the other night?”

Taehyung grimaced, not wanting to unwrap that. He finished up a note in his binder before closing it, moving to his next homework. “One of Hoseok hyung’s friends.”

“Hmm,” was all Jimin offered, this challenging look in his eyes that Taehyung didn’t like at all.

“If you like him, go for it,” Taehyung gestured, anything to get the attention off him.

“Maybe I will.”

“Then do it.”

“Fine, I will.”

Taehyung stared up at him with wide eyes between the hair dangling in his forehead. Jimin’s expression was smug as he got comfortable. The thought of Jimin approaching Yoongi made Taehyung sick to his stomach. He knew Jimin would be able to get Yoongi easily. He had a way about people that disarmed and drew them in that Taehyung lacked. When that smug grin turned teasing Taehyung let out a disgruntled noise.

He hated how well Jimin could read him. He might as well be an open book.

“You’re my soulmate, TaeTae. Of course I can tell you like him,” he giggled.

Yes, Jimin’s platonic soulmate. His soulmate that would never be more than platonic. He loved being Jimin’s soulmate, but it pained him as well. “I don’t have time for a relationship,” he brushed off.

It wasn’t exactly the truth. Taehyung studied more than he needed to, even passed when he had memorized everything. It was easier than being left alone with his thoughts or having an actual conversation with Hoseok who seemed to worry about him more and more by the month.

Someone passing by gave Taehyung an odd look but he ignored it, tugging his jacket back over his shoulder. They could stare as much as they wanted.

Jimin frowned, looking across the crowd of students making use of the plethora of tables scattered outside to enjoy the good weather. “You’re a good looking guy, Taehyung. I’ve never seen someone so miserable at the thought of that. Don’t you notice how many people stare at you?”

Not really. He was usually too busy with his nose to his books to be looking around at everyone else. But he did remember what it was like before. He had noticed then. The shy glances of girls and the occasional guy his way.

“What does it matter?”

Jimin went silent at the question, nursing his coffee between two hands. Taehyung couldn’t look Jimin in the face. Some reason the thought of doing so made Taehyung want to cry.

“I just want you to live, Taehyung. That’s all.” Jimin squeezed his hand. “You know I love you, right?”

“Of course,” his mouth says. But inside his mind he screams ‘not the way he wants’. Never the way he needs. It was something he had accepted long ago.

---

 

Taehyung knew he ed up the moment he agreed to get Hoseok’s in the music building.

Hoseok was a business major, but both him and Namjoon minored in music so it was not a strange thing to find either of them there. Although they were on opposite spectrums of the subject. Hoseok was more interested in dance, and Namjoon the production side of it. They both hoped to open some sort of music academy after they graduated. That way they could enjoy the best of both worlds.

Hoseok had sent Taehyung a desperate text to get his books from room 503. By the time Hoseok got out of work the building would be locked up if Taehyung didn’t go and Hoseok needed his reading material. He would receive a zero on his assignment due tonight otherwise.

The whole world was against him. Taehyung was convinced of it. Or maybe just Hoseok. It was like the elder sensed Taehyung’s undulating feelings and was doing everything he could do to act on it. If that was true Hoseok was playing a risky game. Hoseok would have moaned about that zero for weeks.

Taehyung wanted to curse. To slam the door closed and act as if he had never been there because Yoongi was inside. But he couldn’t because Jimin was right there leaning against the wall out of view. Smirking as if he had been in on this too.

“Hey.” Yoongi ignored Taehyung as if he hadn’t frozen like a deer in headlights after opening the door. “Hoseok mentioned you would stop by to get his stuff.”

Taehyung unhinged his jaw, rolling it a few times as he gained his footing. “Um, yeah, I-uh. Yeah, he told me to get it.”

At least he managed to string some sort of sentence together. Jimin rolled his brows, gesturing for Taehyung to go inside as he waited for him.

He shoved Hoseok’s books in his bag in a hurry. Focusing on anything but the other boy in the room with him.

“You know, I don’t bite.” As if he thought better of it, he amended, “at least not unless asked.”

Taehyung’s throat bobbed, brain short circuiting as he processed those words. It took longer than he cared to admit. A smirk was on Yoongi’s face and it did things to him. Taehyung had been wrong about him. He thought Yoongi was the quiet, shy type who kept to himself, and he was for the most part.

Except when he decided to go for the kill. Taehyung was ed.

“I-uh-”

Taehyung gave up talking, knowing that he sounded like an idiot. Yoongi meandered over and Taehyung could swear he heard his heart beating in his chest. He gave a slow perusal of Taehyung, clearly pleased with what he saw. “What I don’t understand is how your still single.”

“It’s a choice.”

A single brow arched, head tilting to the side in thought. “Ah, yes. The infamous Park Jimin.”

Taehyung stiffened, panicking that Jimin was listening on the other side of the door. How did he know about his humongous crush on Park Jimin? Did everyone really know? Is it what Taehyung said that night to Yoongi?

Yoongi pressed his hand against Taehyung’s shoulder centering him. Allowing the panic to ebb away until he could focus once more on the boy in front of him. The one with a worried gleam in his eyes, none of the playfulness he had from earlier. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

“Thanks,” Taehyung brushed off, adjusting the strap that was biting into his shoulder. “See you around.”

Yoongi didn’t stop him, and much to Taehyung’s relief Jimin didn’t act any different upon joining his side. Whistling casually with thumbs shoved in his pockets as they walked home.

---

 

Taehyung was drunk off his . Not that it was anything new. It was his weekend hobby when he could afford a morning of being hung over. This time Hoseok had taken them bar hopping, shoving fried chicken and tteokbokki down his throat as they passed street vendors. It made him less drunk than he wanted to be.

Namjoon and Yoongi had joined the three of them for this outing. Upon noticing the blonde Taehyung had promptly decided to get wasted as fast as he could much to Jimin’s amusement.

“You’re being dramatic,” Jimin laughed.

“No different from usual then,” Taehyung retorted, Jimin breaking into a fresh case of giggles.

This time Yoongi was keeping his distance, staying next to Namjoon only to give Taehyung a worried frown every so often.

Yoongi. Min Yoongi. Why did he like Yoongi so much?

Taehyung never had much of a type. He just floated to whoever caught his attention. Although he hadn’t really dated in a while. Years, if he were honest. He hadn’t had much interest after realizing everyone was only a distraction when compared to Park Jimin.

Yoongi was the opposite of Jimin. Jimin was like a puppy, and Yoongi a cat. Yoongi had this dominant force about him even when he never spoke a word. Jimin could talk for hours, and Yoongi said more with his eyes than he did with his mouth. Jimin was physically affectionate and Yoongi tended to keep his distance from people. Yoongi was a ing producer and Jimin wanted to be an accountant of all things. Yoongi was the epitome of everything that was not Jimin.

Maybe that was why he liked him.

The thought made him freeze. Panic built in his chest. He scratched at his throat, skin feeling as if it were breaking out in hives. He was not drunk enough. He needed more. He did not want to process this.

Taehyung barely took a moment to breathe as he downed his soju, stealing Hoseok’s and finishing it as well. He gestured to the bar to send him another, shaking his head and rubbing at his eyes.

The smell of cologne pelted his nose, sandalwood and lavender, followed by arms around him. Even through his drunk daze he recognized Hopie’s scent.

“What are you thinking about?” Hoseok asked, a soft quality to it Taehyung didn’t know how to decipher.

He looked up blearily to see Jimin was gone. Probably to run off the bar tender Taehyung had summoned.  Everything was too much. He was tired of pretending everything was okay when it was the farthest thing from it. He was exhausted of drinking his feelings away. Of pretending everything was okay when it was the farthest thing from that.

Of remembering a boy holding out his hand, eyes wide as Taehyung let go.

A horrible sound came out of him. One that had no business coming out the living. But had Taehyung really been alive this whole time, or was he living in the past?

Hoseok tugged him up out of his seat gently, ignoring the stares of the other customers as he led Taehyung out of the bar. Yoongi and Namjoon followed, the latter apologizing profusely as he paid for their drinks.

“I miss him, hyung,” Taehyung whimpered, wiping the tears from his eyes. It made no difference. More followed to replace them.

“I know, Tae, I know. I’ve always been here, waiting for when you were ready to talk about it.”

“I see him all the time,” Taehyung admitted, clutching tight to Hoseok. Yoongi flagged down a cab, Namjoon frowning as the three of them squeezed inside. Namjoon said his goodbyes quickly, giving a worried glance towards Taehyung before shutting the door to the car.

“I know,” Hoseok admitted. “You used to talk to him constantly. This year you’ve been better.” He sent a short glance towards Yoongi. “It’s why I thought it would be a good time to introduce you to Yoongi.”

“I love him so much,” Taehyung whimpered inconsolable.

Hoseok held him tight against his chest, chin atop of Taehyung’s head as he rocked him. “I know,” was all he offered.

He said nothing more until they were out of the car, heading up to Yoongi’s apartment as Taehyung fought his hangover.

“I can’t date anyone, hyung. I promised him forever,” Taehyung whispered, begging for Hoseok to understand. To get why Taehyung could never say yes to a date. Why he swore off dating altogether.

Hoseok’s glance was heavy. He wiped at Taehyung’s tears, helping him to get his shoes off. “Tae, I know you love him, but you can’t have forever with someone who is dead.”

Taehyung stiffened, the words rushing through him like a freight train. The facts Taehyung had been denying so long. The cold, hard truth Taehyung always refused to admit. It was why he drank himself to a stupor and emersed himself so far into studies he could think of nothing else.

Park Jimin was dead.

The two of them had gone on that field trip and only one of them came back. He remembered the night before vividly. How excited they were, giggling in their cabin excited for their field trip to Jeju Island. The panic as they realized the ship was tilting sideways.

That Taehyung let go of Jimin’s hand.

He hadn’t wanted to. He hadn’t been strong enough to hold on, their clammy hands making it worse. Jimin had gotten lost in the crowd, another friend pulling Taehyung along telling him they would find Jimin once everyone got out.

And that friend was right. Jimin got out eventually, just not the way they expected.

He’d gone numb at seeing Jimin’s parents get the confirmation of their son’s death. It was his fault, he wanted to say. He let go of Jimin’s hand. If he hadn’t maybe he’d still be alive today. That day he’d walked out the door and hadn’t faced Jimin’s parents since.

“I hadn’t promised him forever romantically,” Taehyung said quietly, head hanging from exhaustion. “Jimin didn’t- he never-”

“I know,” Hoseok said encouragingly.

“But if I accept someone else, it erases him.”

Three years later and Park Jimin was still the singular, most important thing in Taehyung’s life. How could he ever release himself from the person he revolved around? Jimin was the earth and he the moon. There was no such thing as a future without Park Jimin. It was unimaginable.

Part of Taehyung had known Jimin was an illusion of his own mind, but he refused reality. It was in the strange looks he received throughout the years. How no one interacted with Jimin but him. The way Jimin always disappeared at his worse points, Hoseok struggling to put together pieces he had no hope of understanding.

Yoongi sat next to him, jogging him back from his memories and taking his hand gently in his own. “Dating another doesn’t erase Jimin. No one can ever take that from you, and I’m not just saying that because I’m interested in you.”

“Why would you show interest in me? Knowing what you do,” Taehyung challenged. “I’ll always love Jimin more than any other partner I have.”

Hoseok winced at the words, but Yoongi met his gaze head on. “Because you don’t need to care about me the most in order to care about me.”

Taehyung deflated, a film of tears covering his eyes. He understood then why he loved the night sky so much. Because he lived in the shadows. The places others did not see or go. No one wanted to be in the dark. To others, the light was safety. It was a haven. But for Taehyung, it was a curse. He did not want to be able to see everything. The twisted, pitiful creature he’d become since after. He’d rather live his life mute and blind.

It was easier than the gleam of truth.

But Yoongi was working through his walls. Making him realize things he didn’t want to. That he didn’t want to accept. That he wasn’t ready to accept.

“I want to go to sleep,” he said exhausted, no longer wanting to think about it.

“We’ll be here in the morning,” Hoseok whispered, tucking the blanket around him. It wasn’t much longer until he was asleep.

---

 

Hoseok and Yoongi were up before he was. Something he pretended to not acknowledge as they made breakfast. For once he could remember everything. He squinted an eye open expecting to see Jimin. When only Hoseok and Yoongi met his gaze he waivered, sitting up and forgetting all about his plan to pretend sleep for as long as he could.

He couldn’t… Jimin couldn’t be gone, right?

Taehyung pulled himself off the couch with a grunt, peaking through the blinds. When Jimin’s smiling face didn’t greet him from below another part of him broke.

Park Jimin. The boy he was in love with. Who Taehyung was too afraid to admit his feelings to. The one who kept him up all night, a flashlight in one hand under the blankets as they whispered throughout the night. Who held his hand with laughter in his eyes, that fuzzy feeling spreading through him.

The boy who died. Whose last memory of Taehyung was more horrifying than any lie someone could come up with. Jimin had been afraid and Taehyung wasn’t there.

Taehyung told himself a lot of lies. He broke his promises to Jimin long ago. The first time being when he let go.

Hoseok wrapped his hands around Taehyung’s shoulder’s maneuvering him to the table. “Come on, I got you.”

Taehyung stared down at his chopsticks. They were the cheap, disposable kind. Yoongi had kept them regardless, washing them over and over as he got his use out of them.

“How are you feeling?”

Yoongi peered at him from across the table, pushing one of the dishes towards Taehyung. “Tired. Like .”

Hoseok took a bite of rice, covering his mouth as he spoke. “Do you remember anything from last night?”

He remembered too much. Most the time Taehyung forgot everything when he was drunk, but he hadn’t this time. He doubted Hoseok would be surprised if Taehyung said no and to see nothing change.

“Yes.”

Except it had. Everything had changed. He no longer revolved around Jimin and was left floating helplessly in space with no focus. Taehyung wasn’t even sure if his mind would let him pretend Jimin was around anymore. Not after he had lifted the veil and finally accepted the truth.

“My parents knew about me being able to see Jimin, didn’t they?”

Hoseok nodded, chewing his food carefully.

“It’s why they wanted me here with you?”

Another shake of his head had Taehyung sighing, running a frazzled hand though his hair. “I should have been there for him when.…”

When the world came to an end. As the sun shined its brilliant light on Jimin once more before he became no more. Something that would never live and breathe, love and laugh, ever again. Park Jimin, his best friend and soulmate.

Taehyung rubbed at his eyes tiredly. “I’m sure you’re double thinking everything now,” he said to Yoongi.

“Not really.”

Yoongi stared at him evenly, eating his food at leisure. Taehyung looked up. “What?”

Yoongi shrugged. “I knew what I was getting into. Hoseok had been talking to me for years about you. He wanted advice from someone not involved. Imagine his surprise when I saw you and began to show interest.”

You don’t need to care about me the most in order to care about me.

Taehyung’s breaths were shallow as he fought to stay calm.

“The first time we met you told me you were in love with Park Jimin. I knew what I was up against,” he said simply.

Of course Taehyung had told him that in a drunken stupor.

“Yet you’re still here,” Taehyung said in a mild tone.

“I plan to be here a while. Even if it’s not in a romantic sense.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re worth it, and maybe it’s time for you to realize that too.”

Taehyung let out a pained sigh. Whatever his worth was it wasn’t enough to keep Park Jimin alive. What did it matter when stacked against that?

“And I want you to know if we do become something I wouldn’t be trying to replace him. No one can do that, Taehyung. I’d simply be making room for another person in your life.” His tone gentled. “I understand how much Park Jimin means to you.”

Taehyung stared at Yoongi, unsure how the elder had read Taehyung so well and put all his fears to rest.

“We can revisit this another day,” Yoongi said finally. “You’re hurting. You need time to process everything. Heal, and believe the things others tell you.”

“Even if it takes years?” he asked in a small voice.

“Even if it takes years.”

---

 

That summer between semesters Taehyung decided to get the counseling Hoseok and his parents had been begging him to get for years. Yoongi became another pillar in his life even if it was not romantic, but the offer of something more always stood.

It was in the way Yoongi watched him. As if waiting for the right moment to do all the things he wanted. Sometimes Yoongi would date others. He didn’t bother to try hiding it from Taehyung and told him openly, but those relationships never lasted long. Taehyung didn’t ask, but he was certain they were only one type of relationship.

“I’d break up with them if you ever asked,” Yoongi said one day, foot bobbing from where his leg crossed against his knee.

Taehyung avoided eye contact, cheeks flushing as he worked on his humanities essay. “I know.”

His voice was small and vulnerable, Yoongi’s frown gentling as he changed the subject. “Hoseok said you got a 100 on your last test. Good job.”

Taehyung began to drink less, no longer feeling the need to disappear and forget who he was or the things he’d been though. Slowly, quietly, he realized the world kept going even if he thought it had stopped.

“I let go of his hand.”

Taehyung fidgeted in his seat, studying the new changes since the last time he’s been here. One of the walls had been painted a beige, and a few new pictures were up. One was of Jimin in his last high school photo, flowers decorating the edges of the picture frame. Candles sat on either side of it, white and scentless.

Mrs. Park reached over to take Taehyung’s hand, nothing but understanding glimmering in her eyes. “Oh sweetheart, his death is not your fault.”

It was enough to burst open the dam he had been holding back for so many years. A dozen people had told him this. Hoseok and his parents, his counselor and Yoongi, but hearing it from Mrs. Park finally got him to believe that maybe it was true.

“But he was so scared and I let him go,” he sobbed, words hardly able to be understood.

“Kim Taehyung, I know you. I know you would never do anything to hurt Jimin. I know without a doubt you did everything you could. Don’t let yourself think otherwise.” She pulled Taehyung to her in a hug, rocking him back and forth as he cried. “Is this why you avoided me all these years? Oh, sweetheart.”

It had been. He was too ashamed to face her. But his counselor had insisted on this step. Telling Jimin’s mother what happened that day and dealing with the survivor guilt and pain of losing him.

“I love him.”

“I know you do.”

“No, I really loved him.”

Mrs. Park pulled back, wiping away some of the tears as she studied him. “I had a feeling you did,” she admitted, pulling away. She walked over to the frame covered in flowers, ghosting her fingers against the glass plane. “I don’t know if you ever knew, but he loved you too. He was just too afraid to ever say something. Much like you were, I imagine.”

A hitch in his chest unlocked, Taehyung going still at the news. That Park Jimin could have loved him the way he loved Jimin. That if one of them had been brave they might have been able to enjoy each other the way Taehyung had dreamed of for years. Mrs. Park sat back down, placing the frame in front of them. Both of them stared at the picture, a smile not tugging at Jimin’s lips like it normally was.

“He told you that?”

“Yes.”

Taehyung could spend the rest of his life mourning everything they could have had, even if it was for a short while, but for some reason finding out that Jimin loved him too soothed him in a way nothing had since he died. That Taehyung hadn’t been alone in his feelings. That Taehyung wasn’t an idiot for keeping his silence so long as Jimin’s laughter chased after him.

They had loved each other.

Part of him wondered what he was supposed to do the rest of his life when his soulmate had already died, but people lived on without their soulmates all the time. It was rare to ever find such a person, people fitting together as best as they could puzzling over the bits that did not fit and loving each other despite it. His time with Jimin was a gift no matter how short it was.

“Make sure to visit me, Kim Taehyung. I’ve missed you all these years.”

“I will,” he promised.

And another part of that ragged wound healed leaving nothing but a scar.

---

By the time he got back to campus it was nearly dark. He found he didn’t want to be alone in his dorm, so he followed the familiar trail to the music building and searched down room 503.

Yoongi was there working on a few beats as Taehyung expected. He handed the elder a sandwich knowing Yoongi tended to forget about such things in the depts of his creativity. They stared at each other as they ate, Taehyung picking up a napkin to wipe his mouth.

“How did it go?” Yoongi asked.

“Good.”

Yoongi turned away now he had an answer. “I thought so.”

“What made you think that?”

Yoongi leaned back in his chair, the hinges squeaking at the shift of weight. “You look… steady.”

Steady. He did feel that way. “I feel a lot better.”

Yoongi nodded, Taehyung biting his lip as his thoughts raced. His soulmate was gone, but that didn’t mean everything else was. “Are you in a relationship right now?” Taehyung asked quietly.

Yoongi’s gaze was piercing making his breath go shallow. “No, why?”

“Because I wanted to know if it would be alright to kiss you.”

Silence permeated the room. Finally, Taehyung giggled at the dumbfounded look on Yoongi’s face, the sound fragile to his ears. Yet it was there, and it would get stronger. Because he wasn’t alone like he thought. He had just been too blind before to see.

And as Yoongi pulled Taehyung into his arms, a breathy laugh on his lips as he caressed his hand though Taehyung’s fluffy hair, Taehyung felt the last dredges of darkness dissipate.

---

 

The playground was crowded, children screeching and laughter filling the air. Taehyung raced across the ground, his little legs carrying him as fast as he could go. He let out a giggle, climbing on top of the monkey bars and getting just out of Hoseok’s reach. He thought he would be doomed at first, Hoseok scrambling up the side brows furrowed in determination, but then another boy passed by him with a maniacal laugh and he dropped from the bars to give chase.

Taehyung sat up there for a moment to ensure Hoseok was distracted, dropping only when he was sure Hoseok would not sneak attack him. They had been at it for over an hour now, playing tag with any of the children who showed an interest.

A sniffle caught his attention, Taehyung looking up through the holes of the playset floor with a frown. Someone sat curled up in a corner near the slide. Wood chips flew in the air as Taehyung raced across them, narrowly avoiding Hoseok catching him. He took the stairs by two, shoving himself in the other corner bordering the slide to keep out of view. A boy was curled up in the corner, head against his knees. He took a moment to peruse Taehyung, the latter noticing chubby cheeks and crescent eyes with tears glossing them.

“What’s wrong?”

The boy looked up. “I can’t find my mom.”

Taehyung stared at him awkwardly, unsure what to do. “My mom can probably help you.”

“I’m scared.”

The year before Taehyung had gotten lost at an amusement park. He remembered how terrifying it had been. “I’ll hold your hand. We can do it.”

The boy looked up. “Promise?”

Taehyung held out his hand, their pinkies curling and thumbs pressing together. “Now it’s unbreakable.”

It was all the other appeared to need, wiping his face with his shirt and standing from the corner he’d shoved himself in. “My name is Park Jimin.”

“I’m Kim Taehyung.”

He held out his hand and Jimin took, but as soon as it was time to leave the playset Taehyung was yanked back. Taehyung turned to see Jimin had wrapped an arm around one of the metal posts unwilling to let go of his safety. “I don’t want you to leave me,” he whimpered.

Taehyung ed his chest out, standing tall as could as he went back over to Jimin. “I won’t leave you. I promise.”

“You do?” Jimin reluctantly began to uncurl his arm from the post.

“So long as the wind blows I’ll always find you, Jimin.”

Jimin’s grin trembled, large eyes blinking back at him. Teeth gleamed and then peels of laughter left him. Taehyung found he enjoyed the sound, eyes glued shyly to the ground as he watched the boy from the peripheral of his eyes.

“But Kim Taehyung, the wind stops blowing all the time. That’s not a good promise!”

“But it always starts up again. Maybe I’ll lose you for a little bit, but not forever. We’ll find each other,” he shrugged.

Jimin jumped off the playset, taking Taehyung’s hand in his. His eyes were still red from crying, but his smile was brilliant.

“Alright. I believe you. Let’s go find your mom.”

And the two boys held hands as they walked across the playground, one with pink tinged cheeks and the other with crescent eyes fitted into a smile.

---

A/N: This fic was a kind of sad one that came to me. If you couldn’t tell, Taehyung was meant to be one of the survivors of the Sewol Ferry. It dealt with a lot of things, survivors guilt and trauma, losing people you once took for granted thinking they would always be there. Because anything else was unfathomable.

 But I think it also gives hope. It shows that even after losing another so dear to you that you can keep going if you fight. That people don’t have to be a perfect fit for things to work, and those imperfections can one day become the things you love about another.