John K - 6 Months

Sasha Alex Sloan - Dancing With Your Ghost

Jonghyun's words still rang in my ears. From time to time they still do to this day. I knew he was right. I knew I should have listened to him. But the pain of loving Minho was more beautiful than anything I had ever felt in my life. It made me feel alive.

And even though I know better today, I would have done it again and again. Again and again I would have entered into the mystery, not knowing how far I would fall, only to hit the ground and break into a thousand pieces. And I would enjoy it. I would welcome each crack that slowly squeezed through me like a long-time friend. I would feast on the feeling of my skin tearing open little by little and my blood flowing down my body.

I would give myself over and over to experience it all just one more time, to have another moment with Minho.

The glittering lights of the night were reflected colourfully in the gentle waves of the sea. It swung around softly, back and forth. It was a warm evening. The breaking night had only cosy hours left for us. The harbour was full of people, but I didn't need to look for him. I saw Minho right away, sitting at the harbour with the man I knew who was also Korean.

When Minho saw me, he stood up and his companion did the same. The night before, I was too caught up in the events to see it, but I couldn't help but notice the similarity between the two men. Just like Minho, the other man had raven-black hair, although his was straight and much shorter. The man was also of good height, but was slimmer than Minho.

His gaze fell on me. His eyes were sharp and sent a cold shiver down my spine. I wanted to look away, but all my limbs froze at that moment and I could not move. Minho wanted to make his way towards me, but the man grabbed him by the arm and seemed to be talking at him urgently. Minho broke away and came towards me. The man looked after him, disappointment was clearly written across his face.

"Are you in trouble because of me?" I asked him when he was within earshot. But Minho just smiled and took me in his arms.

The stupor left my body. I was safe in Minho's embrace. The suspicion I had seen in the stranger towards me no longer mattered, nothing mattered. That was all I needed.

Minho's hands gently cupped my cheeks and he gave me a kiss in greeting. At Minho's soft lips, I could barely hold myself up. I grabbed his shirt for support and enjoyed having him so close.

"Don't pay any attention to him. He's always in a bad mood." He murmured to me as we broke away from each other.

"Come with me." Minho took my hand before I could say anything else.

We entered the boat I was familiar with and I leaned lightly against the railing. I looked out at the endless dark blue that lay before me. A mirror of the sky spread out below us and shone up at us in a kind welcoming way.

"Where is your father?" I asked him absent-mindedly. I was desperate to get back out to sea. Only Minho and I would exist.

"Don't worry, he's never using the boat while we're here."

Minho's tone, however, brought me back from my desire. It had been a long time since we had seen each other. Minho had grown, his muscles had become stronger, his hair longer, yet somehow he was still the boy I had read to a few summers ago.

There was so much I didn't know about Minho. I didn't really know anything. Even his job I had found out from my ex-boyfriend's father. I didn't know what to do or say. Did I want to find out more about him? And if so, wouldn't that make the inevitable parting even harder for both of us? Wouldn't it slow down the time we couldn't be together?

From the sight in the middle of the sea, the harbour looked like a small funfair. The lights of the city shone brightly in a glistening orange. Warm and cosy, they would welcome newcomers and made locals feel at home.

My gaze was still on the city when Minho ran his hands around my waist and closed them around my stomach. His body nestled close to mine. I let myself fall against him a little and closed my eyes at his gentle touch. Resting my head against his chest I took in his scent and placed my hands on top of his.

"I missed you." He whispered in my ear and began to nibble on it. But next to his voice, I heard Jonghyun's.

I turned to him and let my hands run over his chest. Slowly my gaze went up to him. I had to swallow and wet my dry lips.

"Minho I...I'm sorry." My gaze slid back to the floor.

"You don't need to apologise." He said softly, my cheek. He gestured for me to look at him, and there was nothing but tenderness in his eyes.

"Yes I do." I let go of him and took a few steps away from him.

"I don't know anything about you, but..." Wordlessly, I looked over at him. He leaned his hip against the railing and crossed his arms. He said nothing, however. Patiently he waited for me to continue speaking. His eyes were a stark contrast to the pair that had looked at me just a few moments ago as if I was the purest evil.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to push him into anything, especially when our time was limited. And even though it would hurt me, I wanted to know more, so much more about him.

"I don't want you to reveal anything about yourself that makes you uncomfortable...but...I just want to know a little more about you." I didn't dare to look at him as I said this so I looked down at my intertwined fingers.

Glancing down at my hands like that, I saw Minho's close around mine. He brought them up to his lips and kissed them.

"Okay." He said.

"Okay?" he nodded at my word.

I didn't know where to start. I wanted to know everything. But I didn't want to back him into a corner either. I just wanted to get to know him. No matter how trivial or supposedly boring his opinion or enthusiasm for something might have been.

"Where is your absolute favourite place?" I asked him, a smile having settled on my lips.

"By your side." I rolled my eyes playfully.

"That doesn't count!" I said, trying to pull away from him, but Minho held me tight and pulled me close.

"But it's the truth." His eyes were so piercing that it could not be anything but the truth.

"Minho-"

"The only time in my life I feel peace is when I'm by your side." My breathing quickened at his words.

"Come with me!" I grabbed him by his shoulders, my words reflecting the urgency in his own eyes.

"Come home with me! We can be together!" But when Minho didn't answer me, my grip weakened.

"I can't leave my dad alone-"

"Your dad can stay with us too! We have enough space! We always need helping hands at the hotel!" I cut him off. Despair had taken over my whole self.

The first tears veiled my vision. Minho my head and gave me a kiss on my forehead.

"You know what I appreciate so much about you?" he asked me, I could hear that his voice was trembling too.

"You just are." I listened to him, trying to keep my light sobs quiet.

"Back when I found this little place full of peace, I asked you to read to me and you just did." My shoulders started to shake.

"You didn't ask why. You just let me in." I let my head fall against his chest, unable to hold back my tears.

"I've never felt so accepted." He my head and comforted me.

Minho's voice was gentle, yet his words drove a scar into my heart.

I was selfish.

All these years I lived, blinded by my own ego. But Minho had seen my selfishness as a blessing. Yet I had only been interested in myself. It was never my intention to consider his feelings, and yet, in his understanding, I had done so. I was nothing but a hypocrite. I never got to know him because I was too busy with myself and my little problems. Of course he felt comfortable with me. I never wanted to know anything about him. If we people never reveal anything about ourselves, they can't judge us.

I read to him without ever asking about his favourite book. I never even found out his profession myself. Not even something as simple as his favourite colour did I ask. Nothing. All that time without him, I longed for him, for something to show me that I was important to him. But I never gave him this feeling in the first place.

If I had listened to Jinki better, if I had really seen him, if I had seen his pain then I might have been able to help him. I could have listened to him, I should have listened to him. Maybe the burden he had to carry and still has to carry would not have been so heavy. Maybe I would not have cheated on him. Maybe his heart wouldn’t have been broken.

Maybe everything would be different today if I had acted differently back then.

No. Not maybe.

It would be different.

And there I was, in Minho's arms, begging him to come with me, though the same loyalty to my father was driving me towards a future I didn't want for myself. How could I ever ask him to do something I was too weak to do myself?

"Can you read to me again soon?"

I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at our hotel room wall. Minho's words were still ringing loud in my head. I thought about my life. What choices would I have made if I hadn't acted selfishly? Would I have even taken this trip with Jonghyun then? Was it wrong of me to leave Dad alone for a year? He's not getting younger. And I also abandoned Jinki at a time when he desperately needed a friend. Why was I like that?

Jonghyun came out of the bathroom. He walked towards his bed where his clothes for the day were already neatly laid out.

"Jjong?" Still staring into the void, I addressed him.

"Huh?" I could hear him getting dressed.

"Do you think I'm selfish?" My eyes fell on him and he stopped abruptly, looking at me in confusion.

He took a deep breath, put on his shirt and sat down on his bed with me across from him.

"What makes you think that?" he asked.

"Please answer the question."

He didn't need to wrap his words in cotton wool for me, I just needed to hear it from someone once. Maybe then I would be able to pull myself together. Maybe then I would have the strength to change. Jonghyun rubbed his hands over his thighs and took a deep breath before answering me.

"You know Taemin you...you remind me of myself." He couldn't help but laugh slightly.

He stood up and came over to me. He sat down beside me and leaned forward slightly. Resting his elbows on his knees, he turned to me. A gentle smile curled around his lips. Warmly and lovingly he began to speak.

"When we begin to live, to truly live, only then do we realise that there are other people." He began.

"We begin to understand that our actions carry consequences not only for us, but more importantly for people we care about."

His words made perfect sense to me. My guilty conscience overtook me. I didn't know whether to apologise to Jinki with a letter or wait until I was back home to do it in person.

"Jonghyun?" my voice was barely a whisper.

"What are you running away from?" He couldn't help laughing. His eyes glazed over.

"Just because you had a self realisation doesn't mean you get to read people." He said jokingly.

He looked around the room as if searching for the right words.

"You and I...we're not so different." He began slowly.

"The one I love has also shown me how ugly I actually am, deep down, how selfish I am." He looked at the floor.

I didn't understand him. Jonghyun was anything but ugly, whether on the outside or on the inside. There wasn't a selfish bone in him.

"Jjong I-" I didn't know what to say. Did everyone go through exactly that at some point in their lives? If so, was I just too weak?

"When I was your age there...I was with someone." Jonghyun's words slowed, his breathing got a little heavier.

"He was so stubborn." He laughed bitterly.

"Every little thing he nagged about, he didn't hold back from telling people what he thought. He was always complaining." Jonghyun paused for a moment, as if reviewing all the events in his head.

"And I loved it. All of it, all of him. I would give anything to hear him tell me again that I don't know what I want."

With a hitching breath, he sat there beside me, looking into nothingness.

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