If there’s one person in the world that Bae Joohyun aspires to be like, it’s her mother.

Her mother, who is headstrong, nurturing and a warrior all at once. Never afraid to speak her mind or stand up for what she believes in. When Joohyun was little, there was no doubt her mum was the head of the household. Every morning, she would pack her lunch, get her dressed for school and remind her to give anyone who bullied her a piece of her mind. And when the sun kissed the skyline, she’d return from work with not so much as a chip in her nail. Even her father recounts their younger years in university together. He had goosebumps the time she suddenly showed up to his dorm room with a bucket of 7-Eleven popcorn and demanded they catch the cinema screening of Tampopo.

Her mother had always told her that if she wanted something, there was nothing stopping her from going out and getting it.

Joohyun wishes she could start being bold instead of living like such a coward.

 . . . . .

[7:00 p.m] Joohyun whispers into Totoro’s rounded ear in the privacy of her own room, encapsulated in misery. 

. . . . .

“What’s the difference between love and hate?”

She resents the question because she can’t find an answer. That Seungwan. That stupid girl who has a talent for building her up then smashing her to pieces is really grinding her heel into the aching shards of her heart right now. 

Joohyun is no stranger to dating and all its rules and regulations. But none of her exes had ever framed her world through rose-coloured lenses. Seungwan handed her her first pair on the day they met, and she hasn’t taken them off since, not even with horrendous jealousy poisoning her veins. In her past relationships she'd felt so trapped, so forced into always thinking about them and what they were doing. 

But Seungwan makes her feel everything so… intensely.

Quite frankly, it’s scaring her. 

What’s the difference between love and hate?

The question is still a blurry mess in her head as Seungwan corners her in the stairwell after lunch one afternoon.

“Talk to me, unnie.” Seungwan is practically begging. 

It’s not surprising that she is. Joohyun has been avoiding her at all costs, brushing past her with barely any acknowledgement when she tries to make eye contact. She’s even seen the junior waiting outside by the doors after class for her, but just ignores her entire existence. She hates how petty Seungwan makes her act, but some childish part of her thinks she’s making Seungwan hurt as much as she does, and that childish part of her beams at the thought.

It falls quiet. Neither of them move.

Joohyun stares boredly into the corner while Seungwan’s desperate eyes try to search for an explanation. 

“Have… have you not received my messages?” 

Joohyun just shrugs. 

It’s infuriating, to say the least. This feels far too high school for anyone of their age, and Seungwan does her best to cool her blood. This can’t be the Joohyun she’d grown to love.

“Unnie,” she tries again, biting her tongue when Joohyun just rolls her eyes. “Did you not get any of my calls either?”

A moment lingers. Something between a scoff and a sigh escapes Joohyun’s lips. “I don’t know, does it really matter? You seem pretty busy. There’s plenty of other people you can talk to if you need help with assignments.”

Her icy facade doesn’t match how hard she’s trying not to break down.

“It wasn’t about the assignment, unnie, you knew that… I just wanted to talk about the—”

“Taeyeon?” Joohyun cuts her off. That’s the last thing she wants to address, because it terrifies her to think that Seungwan might see her cry. Even the thought of it rips freshly into her skin and contaminates her mind. “Whatever you choose to do, I hope you’re happy.”

Seungwan has finally had enough. “Fine! If you insist on acting like such a child over nothing, then just yell at me. Just throw your stupid tantrum already, I know you’re aching to! Stop pretending to be so put together, just tell me you hate me so I know where I stand!”

That almost makes Joohyun scream. The child in her is already screaming. Hate already fills her. She hates the diamond splinters wedged in her heart, she hates how weak and pathetic she looks standing in front of the girl who has no idea she would bleed her heart for.

“I–I ing—” Her voice trembles, refusing to get any words out for a second. Emotions are bubbling over the surface, and Joohyun tugs at the cuffs of her sleeves to calm herself, but it doesn’t stop, “I don’t hate you, okay! But I hate seeing you be nice to other girls in front of me! I seriously hate it!”

There it is. 

She pushes past a stoic Seungwan just before the tears fall, hurrying past the doors and into the nearest toilet. For all the punches she’s pulled and all the hateful things she’s been called for it, nothing comes close to how shattered she becomes when Seungwan raises her voice at her.

Behind a stall door, she coughs up blood-red roses and mascara streaks in wet clumps down pink cheeks. 

Just tell me you hate me.

I don’t hate you.

I love you.

But what’s the difference?

It hurts me either way.

. . . . . 

“Seungwan?”

Seungwan blinks dumbly, hand still on the door handle of the lunch hall as the voice approaches with a candied smile. 

“Uh… hi, Taeyeon unnie…” 

Awkwardness is an understatement. Taeyeon is asking her something about the party but the flush of emotions flooding into Seungwan’s brain is overwhelming. Close to being sent into overdrive. 

“Look, I know what I said— that I could respect your decisions.” Taeyeon sighs deeply, sounding a lot more candid than she did that night, “But you should really be careful of that girl. She’s not good news. I’m only telling you this because you shouldn’t sacrifice yourself over someone who can’t accept herself for the wreck she is.”

Taeyeon’s words just douse the flames in her mind with gasoline. It’s far too much to process. 

“And as I said, I like you.” The senior suddenly reiterates in a hushed voice. “But you like Joohyun.”

Eventually, Seungwan settles for a shrug. There’s no use denying the truth, despite what she’s just walked out of. Surely she’s an idiot for liking someone who is causing her so much pain right now.

Upon seeing Seungwan’s eyes still pooling, Taeyeon scoffs bitterly. Whatever, she’s tried to be nice, but there's only so far she'll go. “Fine. If you still think she’s worth it, then all I can do is tell you to wake up, Seungwan. Whatever she’s told you, whatever you’ve built her up in your head to be, it’s all lies. You should know she never actually liked you. Everything she's doing is simply to get back at me. People like Joohyun only know how to get revenge.”

Turning on her heels, Kim Taeyeon leaves Seungwan drowning, wondering what the hell she’s just heard.