Hospitals were meant to be sad. That much, Mark had certain. What could possibly be so joyful about a cold building, which reeked of antiseptic and cheap floor cleaner, full of dying patients and overworked doctors? He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he would often see smiling faces passing by on the way to the elevators, on people sitting around the lobby as they chatted, on nurses and doctors at the reception desks whilst on their breaks. He didn’t get how they could smile in such a grim building, what was there to smile about?

Mark had a lot of time to study people from where he sat in the hospital’s lobby, dull eyes traveling over a stranger’s face as he tried to imagine their story. What brings you here? He would often think to himself, making up small scenarios and narratives about their life, before getting bored and moving onto the next person. People watching, as he’d like to say, had become one of his favorite hobbies. He was on his fourth story of the day when he felt a small tap against his shoulder, bringing his attention to the sweet-faced nurse who usually led him around the building.

“Visiting hours have just begun, you’re free to go up whenever you’d like.” She smiled softly, almost sadly, towards the weary-faced boy, who only responded with a small nod and a mumbled thanks. With an exhale too shallow to be categorized as a sigh, Mark stood up on both legs, picking up his packed bag and routinely making his way towards the elevator and up to the floor designated for the ICU. With a small bow to the nurse at the main desk, who he’d become quite familiar with, he then made a right turn down the hall before reaching the correct door.

Upon turning the knob and pushing this open, he was met with the usual beeping of the heart monitor attached to the wall, steady and loud compared to the utter silence in the room. Mark shut the door behind him as he ventured further, lips pulled into a tight line as his eyes met the figure lying unmoving on the hospital bed.

“Hi, mom.” He mumbled softly as his lips formed up into a crooked half-smile. He didn’t expect an answer from his mother, simply because he knew she couldn’t. At least, not yet. He moved closer and took a seat next to her, soon bringing a hand to take her own as he caressed this under the pad of his thumb. “I brought you some gloves.. I know how cold it can get sometimes.” The boy hummed softly as he reached into his bag, keeping one of his hands still intertwined with his mother’s own. He pulled out two wool gloves, a lovely shade of lavender - his mother’s favorite color. Carefully, he slipped them onto her hands, making sure her blue-tinted fingertips sat comfortably within the fingers of these.

Mark sat back in his chair, pulling his knees up to his chest as he eyed over her. How lifeless she seemed, cold to the touch and motionless. If it weren’t for the steady beeps of her heart-rate monitor and the shallow rise and fall of her chest, he’d swear she was dead! He didn’t know why, but he could feel his eyes begin to sting which only meant one thing - he was going to cry. Mark had seen this same image for months now, why was it suddenly too hard to look at?

With a small cuss, Mark stood up from where he sat by his mother’s bedside and began pacing a bit, practicing on his breathing and blinking away any tears threatening to spill against his lashes. Distraction. Distract yourself. His voice echoed within his own head and before he knew it, he was standing at one of the big hospital windows, looking down at the courtyard and doing what he did best - people watch.

 

―

 

That’s when Mark first saw him, tousled brown hair against tan skin that glowed beautifully under the vibrant sun. From where he stood, six stories above the ground, that’s all he could really see. Nevertheless, he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off the figure, the way he bounced and danced around like nobody was looking, making those around him smile and laugh effortlessly. Mark’s brown eyes traveled from the bouncing boy’s oversized sweater and shorts, to the cast on his arm, trying his best to squint and get a look at his face but to no avail - he was too far away. That and the fact he hadn’t gotten his eyesight checked in a good two years and he was sure it seemed to be getting worse by the day. 

 

As quick as he had noticed the other boy, he had disappeared, almost as if the other had vanished into thin air. Mark creased his brows and tried to search for him once more, eyes roaming around the courtyard for any sign of the golden skin and messy hair, yet his attempts seemed to be useless. He tried to hide the feeling of disappointment in his gut, it’s not like he was ever gonna talk to him or anything, he knew that! But it wouldn’t have hurt to watch him for a bit more, he seemed to be a really good distraction from the loud silence in the room.

 

―

 

The second time Mark saw him was on his way out of the elevator when he had accidently bumped into someone while fumbling with his backpack, whilst also trying to slip his arm into his jacket sleeve. “Oh , sorry.” He grunted a bit, eyes not meeting the stranger as he tried to compose himself and successfully slip on his jacket. It wasn’t until he caught sight of an arm cast in his peripheral, did Mark slowly drag his usual weary eyes up to be met with a pair of twinkly ones and a somewhat amused, crooked grin staring back at him. Mark opened his mouth to say something but found himself wordless, the boy in front of him glowing beautifully even under the translucent hospital lights. 

 

“I like your jacket.” The other spoke quietly, just above a mumble, with a voice as sweet as honey. As soon as he spoke, the elevator doors began to shut, soon enough leaving Mark a little dazed as he stared at his own reflection against the cold metal. He then looked down at the jacket he was wearing - a black hoodie with the words “Death Note” written against the right part of the chest in its title font. 

 

Needless to say, it was only a matter of time before Mark began pining over this boy. Not only was he possibly the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on, but they also seemed to be similar in age, and he even liked his favorite anime. Who knew what else they had in common! Of course there were minor details like his name wasn’t even known nor why Mark had never seen him in the lobby before, but he figured that wasn’t something he couldn’t find out later on. 

 

―

 

A couple of days had passed since Mark had last seen him and, if he were being honest, he was getting a bit worried. Had the boy’s patient been released? Was he no longer a visitor at the hospital? The voice in Mark’s head tried to convince him that he was too late, that he missed his chance to get to know the boy; and sadly, he was really starting to believe it. 

 

Until one day, he heard that sweet voice saying things that weren’t all that sweet. “! Give it back!” He could hear the familiar voice cussing from down the hall. Curiously, Mark peeked his head from where he sat in the lobby, eyes squinting once more to catch sight of, you guessed it, golden skin and messy brown hair. Mark couldn’t help the bubble of excitement that formed in his chest, his body suddenly moving on autopilot, and slowly beginning to make way towards the other. It was almost as if the other had his own gravitational pull on Mark. He didn’t know why, but he just wanted to be close to him, as creepy as that sounds. 

 

Once he had finally been close enough to look at the boy, really look at him, his tired eyes danced over his side profile. His long, dark lashes, the pretty mole against his cheekbone, his pouty lips and how these moved whenever he mumbled something to himself. He also noticed their height difference, not too far off but Mark was surely a bit taller, which was surprising. He’d thought that with a presence like that, the other would be much taller. Mark then looked over at what the other was cussing at, being met with the vending machine, loud noises, flickering lights and all. To say they needed to replace the machine was a complete and utter understatement. “Do you need help?” Mark asked softly, to which the other boy whipped his head around in surprise, eyes taking in Mark’s features and quickly recognizing Mark’s face. His pouty lips formed into a small grin and he nodded with a small ‘please’. 

 

Mark hummed and quickly shook the machine until he heard a plop noise, the other boy cheering in glee. Now, Mark wasn’t the strongest. If anything, he was a bit scrawny, but if practically living at this hospital had taught him anything, it was how to work his way around obstacles. “Thank you.” Mark was snapped out of his inner monologue by the sweet sound of the other’s voice, looking up at the other to see his pouty lips now stained red from the can of fruit punch, soon following back to his bright eyes. 

 

“Yeah - uh, no don’t worry about it!” A sheepish smile formed against Mark’s lips as he instinctively pushed his hands into his jacket pockets, twiddling with the phone inside of this, and avoided eye contact. Mark was never good with being social, it made him anxious, the whole trying to make a good impression and getting someone to like you. What if he didn’t make a good impression? What if he tried his best and he still wasn’t liked? What was the point? A moment of silence passed before the boy began to giggle, possibly the most beautiful sound Mark had ever heard, and soon pushed his face a bit closer, trying to get Mark’s attention. Mark only blinked at him with parted lips as his cheeks threatened to burn a light shade of pink. 

 

“You’re strange..” The other began with narrowed eyes as he brought the can of juice back up to his lips and took a few quick sips. “I like it.” He hummed happily before holding out the arm currently found in a cast. “I’m Donghyuck.” He introduced himself with a wide smile, messy hair falling wildly over his pretty features. Donghyuck. That was his name, Mark could finally cross that out of his mental checklist. Before he went too far into his own thoughts, Mark quickly took a hold of Donghyuck’s casted hand, giving this a careful shake as to not hurt him further before also speaking,

 

“I’m Mark.” He nodded and was met with yet another giggle, the other soon finishing up his can of juice and tossing it in the nearest trash bin. Mark noticed other details on Donghyuck’s face, like the small mole above his mouth, and on the center of his throat. For Mark, there was no other word to describe Donghyuck. He was just beautiful.

 

“I’ll see you around, Mark.” Donghyuck waved a small hand as he began to venture down the hall. Mark held up one of his own, and waved weakly over at the other boy who already had his back turned, mumbling a small ‘see ya’. 

 

―

 

As they continued to meet up weeks prior to their first, real encounter, Mark had learned a lot about Donghyuck. He learned that Donghyuck wasn’t actually a visitor, but a patient at the hospital and when asked for what, Donghyuck would simply say “breathing problems”, which seemed a little vague, but who was Mark to question? He also found out that Donghyuck was younger than him and loved music, loved to dance, but nowadays he didn’t have the motivation, nor music to dance to. Apparently, he wasn’t allowed any electrical devices so he was bored way more often than Mark would think. Thus, Mark had made it his mission to entertain Donghyuck every day, of course it was just his own excuse to spend time with the boy but, he didn’t need to know! 

 

Donghyuck had asked why Mark was at the hospital in the first place, he didn’t seem sick, maybe a little strange, but not sick. To which Mark replied with a sarcastic laugh and a push to Donghyuck’s shoulder, soon revealing that he was here for his mother. Donghyuck couldn’t contain his excitement upon hearing that because he was suddenly clutching onto Mark’s forearm, bouncing on his toes as he expressed how badly he wanted to meet her. At first, Mark was hesitant. Why would he want to meet his mom? Yeah, they had become friends but they weren’t that close! At least Mark didn’t think so. But then again, it was just Donghyuck, and his mom wouldn’t notice either, so what was the big deal, anyway?

 

―

 

“Is she dead?” Donghyuck asked with wide eyes as he stared at Mark’s mom from the foot of her bed, eyes moving over her features as the steady heart monitor beeped over her head. Mark slapped against Donghyuck’s chest a bit, being replied to with a small whine from the other. 

 

“She’s not dead. She’s in a coma.” Mark stated matter-of-factly. There was another moment of silence as Donghyuck seemed to be taking in the information, nodding quietly as he continued to watch her through his long lashes. “Cerebral Aneurysm, a couple months ago.” Mark finished with a nod of his own, eyes glancing over at Donghyuck to see him frowning, eyes a bit gloomy. 

 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Donghyuck mumbled, also glancing over at Mark. Mark quickly averted his gaze and blushed a bit at being caught staring, soon shaking his head and looking over at his mother with a small, sad grin against his lips. 

 

“It’s okay. She was always nagging me, anyway.” He let a small laugh slip past his lips, Donghyuck following suit and laughing a bit breathily. It was kind of grim, laughing at the foot of his practically brain dead mother’s bed, and the thought of ‘what’s there to laugh about?’ would always pop up into his head. But the more he was around Donghyuck, the more he started to get why people would smile & laugh at hospitals. 

 

―

 

“Tell me about you.” Mark had been asked one afternoon as they sat in the hospital’s courtyard, the sound of chattering filling their ears and the cool breeze blowing against bare arms. Donghyuck had finally gotten the cast on his arm removed the day prior, this now a shade lighter than the rest of him and upon getting asked, he would say he had a ‘nasty fall’, also a little too vague for Mark’s liking. 

 

“What do you want to know?” Mark retaliated with a question of his own, raising curious brows as he watched Donghyuck’s brown locks blow against his features, wanting oh so badly to reach out and brush them back, but deciding it was best not to. 

 

“Anything.. Everything!” Donghyuck ended with a small laugh, setting down the cookie he had swiped from the hospital cafeteria, somewhere he wasn’t allowed to eat at. “Who is Mark?” He set his hand on his chin comically as he turned his full attention to Mark. Mark thought he kind of resembled his therapist, trying to see the why behind things, when, really, there was no why. Mark was just like that. 

 

“Well,” Mark began with a small exhale as he gathered his thoughts. “I’m an only child. I don’t have a dad - Long story.” He interrupted himself before Donghyuck could get too curious, he knew Donghyuck would want to know the why . “I live with my aunt right now.. but she’s not the nicest to be around. She’s just a bitter old lady.” 

 

Donghyuck couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Given, Mark’s aunt was only in her early fifties, yet he could tell she had been forced to grow up a bit earlier than she should have. “I have a couple friends: Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun. They’re really cool, I’d think you’d like them.. I don’t see them that much because I’m in here all day.” He motioned over to the tall, white building that was the hospital. “But we text often and keep each other up to date. Sometimes they’ll even visit the hospital and keep me company.” Mark didn’t notice, but Donghyuck’s eyes were twinkling in astonishment and what could only be excitement. 

 

“I want to meet your friends.” Donghyuck spoke hopefully, hands coming up to clasp together at his chest in pleading. It was clear Donghyuck didn’t have any friends his age around, or any friends at all, really. Mark had never seen any visitors for Donghyuck and if he did, it was Donghyuck’s older brother - Taeil. He had run into him a couple times when he went to greet Donghyuck. Mark thought maybe Donghyuck having a couple friends his own age wasn’t all that bad! 

 

“I’ll call them over one day!” Mark promised with a content grin, this forming up into a smile once Donghyuck began to perform one of his many happy dances. Mark simply admired him with a dumb smile on his lips before an interrogative popped into his head. “What about you? What’s your life like?” 

 

Donghyuck immediately stopped in his tracks, smile faltering a bit but still staying on his pretty face. Mark could tell something had shifted around them, the atmosphere was much more tense, the moments of silence only emphasizing this. Mark was starting to think he had said something wrong until Donghyuck spoke up. 

 

“I’m not a very interesting person.” He said with a small chuckle, though Mark could tell it was fake. He didn’t know much about Donghyuck, but from the time they had spent together, he had been able to pick up some of the boy’s habits. From the way he chewed his lip when he was nervous or anxious, to how his eyes would shut when he was eating something he really liked, or how he would avert his eyes and fake smile when he felt uncomfortable - much like he was doing now.

 

 Mark hummed and decided to drop the subject. He didn’t know why Donghyuck would hide so many things from him while Mark was so honest with him. If it was to protect his image or to keep Mark away from him, either option wasn’t going to work. Whether he liked it or not, Mark wanted to know him, wanted to be close to him and a few avoided questions wasn't going to stop him from achieving that.

 

―

 

Checking up on his mom and then sneaking off into Donghyuck’s room had become a daily routine. They would sometimes watch Mark’s favorite movies on the laptop he would bring from home, sometimes Mark wouldn’t pay attention to the movie on the screen and instead would watch Donghyuck’s pretty face lit by the screen, amused by the funny faces he would make at certain scenes. 

 

Other days, Mark would bring his favorite books and board games and they would spend the whole day sprawled against the cool hospital floor, stealing glances at each other and bumping shoulders and knees. They would sometimes talk about a certain book scene, other times they would reenact said scenes as if they were actors on the big screen reading from their scripts, which almost always ended up with them messing up the scene with giggles and loud laughs. 

 

Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun would stop by on occasion, first surprised by how pretty Donghyuck was (which Mark was already extremely aware of) and soon warmed up to him and his shenanigans. They would sometimes sneak in fast food and although they were caught by Donghyuck’s nurses on multiple occasions, that never stopped them from sneaking in countless forbidden snacks. 

 

Mark shared his favorite music with Donghyuck, making him his own playlist on his phone as they shared a pair of headphones, laid beside one another on Donghyuck’s hospital bed. Mark explained what each lyric meant or how he liked to interpret it, him being as passionate about music as Donghyuck was and priding himself on his “good taste”. That was the first time Donghyuck had ever touched his hand - a soft touch, that was there one second and then it wasn’t; but it was enough to make Mark’s stomach churn. Mark couldn’t speak correctly after that and Donghyuck must’ve thought it was pretty cute because he wouldn’t stop staring at him with those beautiful, twinkly eyes.

 

―

 

There were exciting days and there were calm days. Mark liked the calm days the most. The days where he had Donghyuck all to himself and they spent it in silence, simply basking in each other’s presence. He didn’t understand why he liked hanging around the other boy, but then he would smile and Mark felt the room around them brighten as if they were basking under the sunlight and he understood why. 

 

It was on one of the exciting days where Donghyuck and Mark were running, tripping over their own feet and laughing breathlessly down the hospital halls. Donghyuck had bet Mark in the cafeteria that there was no possible way he could flick a bottle clap farther than him. Mark, of course being the competitive teenage boy he was, accepted his bet. On the upside, he did flick it farther than Donghyuck’s. On the downside, it ended up hitting one of the cranky head nurses right in the face, which then prompted their quick escapade through tears and tough ribs. 

 

As they ran and ran, Mark soon felt himself get pulled into an empty storage closet. With a small yelp of surprise, he stumbled into the room as the door closed behind him, almost knocking over a mop in the process, which Donghyuck found absolutely hilarious.  They both stood there, breathing in each other’s laughs, only a mere inches away. Soon enough, the laughter died down and it was just them, wide eyes scanning over sharp features, chests heaving with heavy breathes and hands itching to touch. 

 

Donghyuck was the first to move, leaning up to press a quick peck to Mark’s lips, to which Mark reacted by parting these in surprise and gulping a bit harshly.  Donghyuck averted his gaze sheepishly as he began to chew on his lips, meaning something Mark knew all too well. He put the thoughts of freaking out over his first kiss being Donghyuck in a hospital closet to the side and decided it was his turn to make his move. 

 

With a gentle hand, Mark brought Donghyuck’s lips out from under his gnawing teeth, Donghyuck’s eyes meeting up to Mark’s own. If it weren’t for the dim lighting, he was sure Donghyuck would make fun of how red his cheeks were, it’s as if Donghyuck knew the effect he had on Mark and used it to his own advantage. Without a second thought, Mark craned his neck to press his lips firmly against Donghyuck’s own, pulling him as close as he could and although Mark wasn’t a fan of clichés, the only way he could possibly describe the feeling would be fireworks bursting in his chest and out into the sky all while his stomach flipped inside out. 

 

After a moment or two of them kissing against each other, they parted with foreheads resting against one another and noses playfully nudging. Donghyuck was the first to speak, his voice a bit above a whisper, “I guess it’s convenient that we’re both in the closet.” Mark couldn’t help but snort at the awful gay joke and soon they were both engulfed in harmonious laughter in such a tight space. 

 

It was after this exciting day, their shared kisses, small touches and stolen glances, that things seemed to take a turn for the worst. 

 

―

 

The first red flag was when Mark went to see Donghyuck, new books in his hand and found him sitting upright in his bed, eyes shut and shoulders slumped. Mark was quick on his feet, standing at his side and trying to get a good look at his face. “Donghyuck. Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He asked a bit hurriedly, taking his hand into his own and noting that it was a bit colder than usual. Donghyuck fluttered his lashes open and looked over at Mark’s face, taking in his features before smiling tightly. 

 

“Hey, Mark. When’d you get here?” He spoke with a small chuckle, reaching over and grabbing a cup of water from his side table and taking a sip of this. Mark stared at him closely, noticing how he seemed quieter, less energetic even. Mark took a seat at the end of Donghyuck’s bed and stared at him, trying to maintain eye contact. “I’m fine, Mark. you’re just imagining things,” was the only response he was granted after questioning Donghyuck’s physical state and although he wanted to believe that the other was speaking the truth, he couldn’t help but catch the faint cough Donghyuck tried to mask with his hand.

 

―

 

On the third day of his growing suspicions, Mark made his way into Donghyuck’s room, as he tended to do every day after checking up on his mother, and found this completely empty. On any other day, he would think nothing of this and suspect him being in the bathroom or off doing whatever Donghyuck does when Mark wasn’t around. Yet this time, he knew better and didn’t like the fact that Donghyuck’s bed, usually messy and loitered with Mark’s old books and candy wrappers, was clean and made. 

 

Mark began to feel a bit queasy, forcing his legs to run down the hall and towards the main desk. “Donghyuck.” He gulped quickly as he forced the words out of his mouth. “Lee Donghyuck, where is he? He’s not in his room!” He tried his best not to panic, yet there was no mistaking the way his hands trembled and clammed up against the sides of his jeans, which were clenched tightly against his fists. 

 

When he was instructed that Donghyuck had been moved to the ICU, he felt a gunshot to the heart, legs wobbling under his weight as he tried his best to stay up. Intensive care? Why? He said he was okay. Mark had no time to think over the why of things, bolting down the hall and pushing the elevator buttons desperately. When these seemed to be taking too long, he decided to use the stairs, skipping steps and tripping over his own feet as he made his way up to the golden boy. 

 

Once on the floor, he was instructed to Donghyuck’s room, which he, with no hesitation, bust open and stared into with streaming tears, dripping sweat and ragged breaths. Donghyuck, who had been in the middle of a nap, slowly looked over, eyes squinting at whoever was at the door. Though, upon seeing it being Mark in his disheveled state, quickly widened his eyes and parted his lips to speak. 

 

Mark was first, though, slamming the door behind him and moving further into the room. “You told me you were fine!” He began, standing at the end of Donghyuck’s bed. “You told me you were fine but you’re not! What’s wrong?” He pressed further and when he saw the other avert his gaze before speaking, he quickly cut him off. “No bull this time, Donghyuck.” 

 

Donghyuck hesitated once more before pursing his lips into a thin line and furrowed his brows, as if he had tasted something sour that he couldn’t get off his tongue. “It’s idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis,” His voice cracked a bit as he tried his best not to look at Mark, instead looking down at his fingers fiddling with the hospital blanket. “It’s my lungs.. And it’s bad.” He finished, only then looking up at Mark to see that he had already started crying as well. 

 

Mark pushed his tongue against his cheek to keep his composure, clearing his throat before asking. “How bad?” He didn’t want to get his hopes up about how it was possible for him to get better, and he also needed to know. His entire relationship with Donghyuck was based on secrets and half-told stories. He deserved to know the truth this time. 

 

“Really bad.” Was the only thing Donghyuck could manage to say before he coughed out loudly, so hard that his inhale came with a wheezing breath, making Mark flinch instinctively, bottom lip trembling as he asked his next question. 

 

“How long?” He mumbled, his voice weak and barely audible. Mark knew what IPF was, he knew how bad it could get and he also knew there was no cure - only treatments that can buy the patient some time, yet it seemed that Donghyuck had been bought a lot of time already. 

 

Donghyuck didn’t want to answer the question, shaking his head over and over and begging Mark not to make him tell him, but Mark was persistent, forcing him to answer the question. It wasn’t until Donghyuck whispered out a broken “three months” did Mark allow himself to sob, falling to his hands and knees at the end of Donghyuck’s bed. 

 

Donghyuck’s desperate calls for Mark were gone unheard as Mark muffled out every outside noise, simply looking down at the tile floor as his hot tears fell against them, body shaking and the thought of vomiting at any moment making his stomach and chest burn painfully. Three months. That’s all he had left with Donghyuck. Three months, twelve weeks. In three months, he would be gone. As if he was never even here. 

 

Mark only realized he was speaking when he heard his own voice getting louder and louder. “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not ing fair!” He yelled at the ground, smacking his hands down against the floor with a pathetic sob. Donghyuck apologized weakly but Mark was too far gone in his rampage to listen. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He seethed as he slowly stood up from where he had fallen, staring at Donghyuck with bloodshot eyes. The other boy opened his mouth yet was cut-off once again. “Why did you have to wait until you’re on your goddamn death bed to tell me?! What the , Donghyuck?!”

 

Donghyuck stared at him with parted lips and tears streaking over his once golden face, now clammy and pale, dark circles prominent underneath his once twinkly eyes, now dull and faded. Mark didn’t wanna hear or see him anymore, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him, too heartbroken to even be in the same room as the other.

 

―

 

A couple days had gone by, Mark moping around and refusing to eat or speak to anyone. He missed Donghyuck, he missed him a lot, yet he missed the old Donghyuck. The Donghyuck that would greet him with a bright smile every morning, that would sneak treats and desserts from the cafeteria into bed, the one with the over-exaggerated excitement and the God awful jokes that made Mark cringe with second-hand embarrassment. He missed that Donghyuck, his Donghyuck. Yeah, he was an for storming out like that, but he couldn’t face him. It physically hurt to see him like that. 

 

His train of thought was interrupted by his chiming phone resting against his mother’s bedside table. Mark reached over for it and sighed softly at the message displayed on the screen. 

 

From: Jeno 

Hey man.. long time no talk. How are things? How’s your bf? 

 

Mark contemplated whether or not he should’ve answered. On one hand, he was too ing sad to answer, but on the other he needed someone to vent to and Jeno was the closest friend he had. 

 

To: Jeno 

Not so good, actually. And he’s not my boyfriend.  

 

From: Jeno 

??? 

 

To: Jeno 

We had a fight.  

 

From: Jeno 

Oh .. I’m sorry to hear that. :/ What did you fight about? 

 

Mark proceeded to tell Jeno everything. From the friendship, to the kiss, to the fight and how Donghyuck is basically dying and has limited time here on Earth. There was a pause between his message and Jeno’s reply and Mark was  just about to shut his phone off until the chiming of his phone convinced him otherwise. 

 

From: Jeno 

So you’re telling me you’re letting your last days with him go by because of a dumb fight? 

 

― 

 

He knew Jeno was right, Jeno was always right and it was something he had always prided himself of. Mark took a deep breath as he slowly brought a hand to Donghyuck’s door, turned the knob and pushed this open. Donghyuck was laying back, juice pouch lazily held up by his mouth as he took shallow sips, unamused eyes focused on a blabbering nurse putting away her equipment. 

  

Mark stood motionlessly at the door and only realized he was being perceived when the nurse was up at the door, politely mumbling a warm “excuse me,” to which Mark quickly apologized and moved out of the way. When he looked back into the room, Donghyuck was staring back at him with wide eyes, his juice pouch long forgotten and now sat up straight. 

  

With a small wave, Mark gulped once and mumbled a small “Hi.” Not sure if Donghyuck wanted him in his room, and feeling absolutely guilty at leaving him in such a state. Donghyuck only blinked for a moment before meeting his eyes once more, lips formed into a weak grin. 

  

“Hi, Mark..” He replied, slowly laying back onto his collection of pillows. Mark took this as an opportunity to venture further into the room, gently shutting the door behind him. He then made his way over to Donghyuck’s bed, watching as the other scooted over and gave him a small space next to him on the relatively large bed. Mark swiftly took this seat and scratched at the back of his hands, nervously averting his gaze from the other. He didn’t want to look at him, but curiosity did kill the cat, and he soon found himself gazing up at Donghyuck, his heart dropping a bit at the sight of his face up close. His skin was no longer as golden as before, his eyes not as twinkly, his lips a bit blue and breath wheezy, yet he was still the most beautiful person Mark had ever laid eyes on. 

  

He had to make it right and with a shallow voice he spoke up, “I’m sorry about what I said before.. and about getting mad. I shouldn’t have and it was a ty thing to do.” Mark admitted, guiltily against his lips. Donghyuck only shook his head and smiled knowingly. 

  

“You had every right to be mad.. I’m sorry I hid it from you.. I should’ve been honest from the start.” He sighed sadly, fingers tapping against the warm hospital blanket. Mark reached over to grab one of Donghyuck’s cold hands, caressing his fingers with the pad of his thumb and noting how blue his fingernails also were, this making his eyes sting a bit. 

  

“Does it hurt?” He questioned, keeping his eyes on the boy’s hands as he continued to caress this under his own hands, trying his hardest to warm them up, yet knowing it didn’t work like that. He was glad he didn’t see Donghyuck watch him with broken eyes, and how he clenched his jaw to keep his voice strong. 

  

“A little bit.. but it’s not too bad!” Donghyuck tried his best to cheer Mark up, but it wasn’t going to work. Mark only nodded quietly, tears spilling against his cheekbones and cussing as he wiped them away. 

  

There were moments of silence, both of them not knowing what to say and deciding it was better to not say anything at all. It was too soon to joke, too soon to talk, too soon for anything; and as Mark laid next to Donghyuck and watched him sleep with the help of a mask and a machine, he slowly remembered why hospitals were never a place for smiles & laughter.

 

―

 

They spent their days inside, tangled in each other's limbs, cold skin pressing against warm skin as they held onto each other like their lives depended on it because, in a way, they did. Over the course of time, they had learned to smile again, cracking dumb jokes that only they would understand or even find remotely funny, rewatching movies Donghyuck had grown a liking too and reading books Donghyuck thought were, in his own words, “freaking spectacular”. 

 

“I like that book a lot.” Donghyuck admitted to Mark one day, head resting against Mark’s shoulder as the headphone in his ear played one of the songs on Mark’s many playlists. Mark only hummed in thought as he handed the book he was currently reading over to Donghyuck, who only laughed and pushed it back with a weak hand. “It’s yours.” 

 

Mark scoffed and only placed the book on Donghyuck’s lap, taking his hand within his own and intertwining their fingers, holding them tight. “It’s yours now. That’s how gifting works.” He teased, only to be met with a sarcastic ‘ha ha’ from Donghyuck, who couldn’t help the warm blush that formed against his now noticeably pale features. 

 

Mark’s friends showed up a couple of times, simply sitting around the room and talking about teenage nonsense. Sometimes they got deep and talked about what lies beyond death, to which Donghyuck would laugh and say his own personal heaven, which would be him as a superhero “kicking ” and “kissing girls”. Jeno was quick to reply with a ‘girls? ’ to which the room would roar with laughter, bringing a sense of calm before the storm. 

 

―

 

Mark could only wait for the impendable doom and although he was ing terrified, he was going to spend every day with Donghyuck like it was his last, because who knows if it was! With every kiss, every touch, every moment shared, Mark only became more and more enamored by the beautiful boy, who as days passed, only became more enamored with Mark. Nobody nor anything else mattered? it was as if they had created their own bright, little world within the gloomy walls of the hospital. 

 

It wasn’t until one afternoon, the sun seemed to rise earlier, shine brighter than any other day, the sky seemed cloudless and the breeze blew softer, did Mark walk up to Donghyuck’s room to find Taeil instead. Now, he had only spoken to Taeil a handful of times, but as soon as the older male looked up at him with a sad smile and bloodshot eyes, Mark knew that Donghyuck was gone. 

 

―

 

It didn’t hurt at first, the initial shock of losing Donghyuck. It didn’t seem to register in Mark’s brain that he truly was gone. That he would never hear his laugh, see his pretty smile, brush back those messy, brown locks. Mark would never be able to trace his fingers along Donghyuck’s moles and marks and scars, never be able to feel his cold hands in his own, share music and books and fight about dumb things like if the earth is truly round or not. 

 

A part of Mark took this as a good thing, as long as it didn’t hurt, he wouldn’t suffer. And who likes to suffer anyway? That’s why, while visiting his mother, he would only sit at the window and people watch, letting his mind wander to wherever it wanted to wander. 

 

It was on one of the mind-wandering days that he heard a small knock on his door. “Come in.” He announced for whoever was on the other side, brows raising and lips parting a bit when Taeil made his way into the room. The elder grinned a bit, the sadness still evident on his features as he made his way closer to Mark, who had by now stood up to face the other. 

 

“Sorry to bother you,” Taeil began, holding a plastic bag in his hands. Mark shook the apology off and reassured him that it was okay, receiving another small smile in return. Up close, he could really see the resemblance between him and Donghyuck, they had the same sad smile. “I was in Hyuck’s things, cleaning his room and stuff and I found this.” He motioned towards the plastic bag, setting it carefully on the table beside his mother. “I thought you’d like it back.” The elder finished. 

 

Mark thanked him and they made small talk before Taeil excused himself out of the room, leaving Mark with the silence and beeps of the heart monitor once more. Hesitantly, Mark moved to grab at the bag, not looking inside of it just yet. He needed to prepare himself for whatever would be lying in it by taking a seat, which he did, and moving it back to the window from which he stared out from. 

 

With a deep breath, Mark reached into the crinkling bag and pulled out a book. The book he had gifted Donghyuck a while back. He smiled sadly as he dragged his fingertips along the cover; In Memoriam A.H.H. by Alfred Tennyson. He smiled at all the dog-eared pages, flipping through each one as he read what Donghyuck had bookmarked for himself. He then flipped onto the last dog-eared page, eyes scanning over the words until he saw the only highlighted sentence in the entire book, this standing out against the pale page with a pretty pink shade to it; 

 

“tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”

 

And finally, after weeks of not feeling anything at all, Mark allowed himself to feel everything, all at once.