CHAPTER VII: STILL

“You’re not mine anymore / 

But I’m still a little bit yours” 

— JP Saxe, A Little Bit Yours

~~~~

“Come on, let’s take a break, you’ve been at this all day.” 

Sehun plopped himself casually on the ground, motioning to Haerin to sit beside him as he offered her a sip of water. The two had been training since early morning and while Haerin had been making good progress, he could tell that the heat of the noon sun was starting to get to her as her movements slowed. 

“You’ve made good progress in the past few hours, you need a break, Haerin,” he insisted, catching the familiar look of stubbornness on her face. 

Reluctantly, Haerin sat herself down beside him. “But is it good enough? The tournament is in just a week, I really don’t want to embarrass myself in front of Dong Jun,” she groaned as she took a gulp of water. 

Trying to ignore the latter part of her whining, Sehun sighed as he tried to reassure her. 

“Come on now, have some confidence in yourself, if not at the very least, have confidence in me! I’m a pretty great sharpshooter and my only student can’t be that bad, right?” 

“I’m your only student? Oh god, that means you have zero track record of success, I’m doomed.” 

Laughing heartily at her cheeky teasing, Sehen retorted. “Excuse me, I’m a very exclusive teacher, alright? Not anyone can learn from me, you should be thankful that I’m helping you!”

Haerin chuckled to herself as she watched Sehun lie down on the grass with his hands crossed behind his head in a carefree manner. It was a couple of weeks since she started meeting up with Sehun regularly to train her archery skills and although she had initially been skeptical of his intentions, she soon found herself settling into a familiar routine of sneaking out in the early morning to meet him in their regular spot and spending hours together. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly when but she had grown comfortable in his presence and had unconsciously even started to look forward to their time together. His identity still intrigued her, but after their time together, she realised that maybe she really didn’t care. Being with Sehun was comfortable; the way he never minced his words and always had a cheeky remark on the tip of his tongue; even the sound of his laugh which used to annoy her (because she was often the subject of his laughter), now seemed to have a comforting ring to it. She might not have admitted it, but Sehun had slowly but surely rooted his presence in her new life.

“Well, you’re in luck today, because I brought a little token of appreciation,” Haerin announced, snapping out of her thoughts as she took out a neatly wrapped package from her satchel. 

Unwrapping it under Sehun’s eager gaze, she started to feel a little embarrassed as the homemade honey rice cakes came into view, her earlier confidence waning. “It’s just something simple, but I thought food should be a good repayment for your teaching right?” 

Sehun grinned as he sat up and eagerly reached out to taste a piece. exaggeratedly in appreciation, he barely managed to dodge an annoyed smack from Haerin as he laughed and grabbed another piece. 

“Oh my god, Haerin, this is heaven!”

“Save your exaggeration, Hun,” Haerin rolled her eyes as she munched on another piece herself. Frowning slightly, she continued. “Don’t you think it’s a little too sweet?” 

“I like it sweet,” Sehun responded without missing a beat, munching happily away. “Why, did you make this?” 

Haerin merely nodded in response, suddenly embarrassed, eyes avoiding Sehun’s. 

“Wait, really? When did you learn how to cook?” Sehun interrogated, surprised. The Haerin he knew was terrible in the kitchen and not for lack of trying. He remembered how he was always there each time she exited the kitchen with an injured finger or a new burn, having to navigate the delicate conversation of not raining on her parade but still trying to point out that it was perfectly fine to be bad at cooking — that’s why chefs existed in the first place, he would always explain.

“Auntie Kim taught me how to make these. They’re Dong Jun’s favourite snack.” 

Sehun’s face clouded over immediately, losing his appetite, the half-eaten rice cake in his hand suddenly looking a lot less enticing. 

“This is the first time I’ve made this all on my own with no help,” Haerin continued excitedly, blissfully unaware of Sehun’s abrupt drop in mood. “You’re the first person I’ve given this to, do you think they’re really ok? I just really wanted to make sure they’re edible before I give some to Dong Jun,” she rambled on, turning to look at Sehun nervously. 

“I don’t know whether I should be happy that I’m the first to taste this or that you’re just using me as your guinea pig,” Sehun interrupted sourly. 

“Oh come on Hun, don’t be petty,” Haerin only laughed in response, pacifying him with another bite. “I only brought these to you because I know you won’t mince your words and tell me they’re good even if they’re truly horrible. Dong Jun would never tell me if my rice cakes . You’re the only person I can trust to be completely honest with me!”

Sehun swallowed the lump in his throat as he stared at the image of a nervously excited Haerin in front of him, eagerly waiting for his answer. What could he say when she was staring at him so innocently and excitedly like that? How could he tell her that he was so proud of her but that he hated that she was putting in this much effort for another man, that he wanted so badly to snatch all the rice cakes for himself? That he hated even the sound of another man’s name coming out of her sweet lips, lips that he longed to taste again? 

How could he tell her that it was getting harder and harder to pretend that they were just friends, and that maybe, just maybe, he was starting to regret not forcefully dragging her back to be by his side, to her past where she belonged? 

But Sehun knew. He knew that doing so would ruin them. What would be the point of having a shell or a shadow of his Haerin beside him? If he wanted her beside him, he wanted her in her entirety. He wanted her to be with him because she wanted to, not because she was supposed to. He wanted her to be with him because she loved him.

When he had approached her with the plan of becoming friends again, he was initially hopeful. Sehun truly thought he could try again with this new Haerin. It all seemed to be going well; with their regular meetings under the guise of archery training, Sehun had thought they were growing closer. He never failed to notice how Haerin, who used to be surprised at any form of skinship was now nonchalant whenever he’d use the excuse of guiding her posture to hold her in his arms; or the way she laughed the same carefree laugh at their constant banter; even the way she would let him warm up her hands in his before she practiced whenever they got too cold from the weather after a break. 

But today, it seemed like none of this mattered. He had spent many cold lonely nights comforting himself that even slow progress was progress, but today, it dawned on him that maybe, just maybe, he would never be able to have this new Haerin no matter how hard he tried. 

Was it all wishful thinking on his part? Had he just been blindly hopeful all this while? 

He knew he was too late but at this point, Sehun couldn’t help but wonder — would it have been more painful to forcibly keep a shell of Haerin by his side or to let her go and watch her fall in love with someone else?

Drowning in his painful thoughts, Sehun finally forced his trademark cheeky smile on his face hoping his burning eyes wouldn’t betray him. 

“As long as you trust me, you can use me all you want, sweetheart.” 

~~~

“Haerin? Can I come in?” 

Startled by the loud knock, Haerin ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to soothe herself as  she opened the door to a now familiar sight. True to his word that night, Dong Jun had kept his promise like the gentleman he was, bringing her tea every evening before bed, some nights later than others and sometimes with different brews but always never failing to show up before she turned in for the night. Haerin had half-expected him to be joking about tea but if there was one thing she had learnt about Dong Jun from their time together, it was that he always meant what he said and he never joked when it came to her. Initially, she was always shy and guilty at having him spend more effort on her but after a few stern warnings, she finally became comfortable with their nightly rendezvous and even found herself looking forward to meeting him, particularly on Dong Jun’s busiest days where she wouldn’t get the chance to see him before he left the house early in the mornings and would only return in the evening.