f i v e 

Days passed that Kira hadn’t seen her roommate. She’d done an effective job at avoiding Kira’s presence, hiding in the library and jumping from one dorm to another. Kira didn’t understand why, nor could she remember any reason that she’d done recently to upset Yui this much. There was this lingering thought that perhaps it was because this Kira’s attitude wasn’t the most pleasing, but surely it had to be more than that. Yui – whether in this world or in her real world – was never the type of person who’d do drastic things for something as simple as that.

In the times that Kira did see Yui, the girl would muster up a fake smile, making up false excuses that she had more work to finish. Kira knew it was a lie, of course. She had friends everywhere – and it didn’t take much to ask another student from Yui’s major on what they were doing.

The answer? They’d already finished everything last week. This week was mostly nothing but boring lectures that droned on and on, but they still liked it more than staying up all night just to get a half decent grade. Her constant avoidance had Kira avoiding their room just as well. Their Polaroids decorating the wall felt empty – almost mocking.

They couldn’t have been any older than eighteen, just the start of freshman year. Yui was a family friend. Although they weren’t as well off as Kira’s family, the two families had a bond tighter than blood relatives. They grew up together, but somehow, they also grew apart.

Without Yui, Kira was at a loss of what to do. People invited her from parties and events side to side. She wanted to say yes, although she knew it was this Kira’s body that felt tempted to agree. Every time she’d receive an invitation and she’d hear the word “club” or “party”, she could literally feel her heart rate accelerate with her grin growing unnaturally wide.

Kira had little to no control over this body.

But a miniscule amount of was still better than giving in, than giving up. Kira had to find distractions, really tempting ones to deviate her attention. She found herself plopped down on Jisoo’s carpeted floor as they watched a K-Drama for their “movie night.” The rest of the group was there, and Kira remembered walking through Jisoo’s hallway with a slightly audible gasp.

It should’ve made sense that this Kira would prefer to hang out with people of the same status. Jisoo was one of the youngest models and she rarely attended university, opting for online lectures instead. She came to Uni from time to time, but mostly she was away for work or training. Joy also skipped school often for her commercial ads, while Seulgi was on her way into becoming a choreographer for an entertainment company.

All of her girl friends came from equally prestigious backgrounds, except for Jisoo who’d been scouted when she was young and worked her way up ever since. The fact that they all stemmed from some sort of money remained, however, and Kira no longer felt as surprised when they reached Jisoo’s bedroom.

Despite her now luxurious life, Jisoo didn’t act like she had everything. She prioritised getting her parents a bigger house in Gangnam, and her apartment (really, it was more a penthouse) in Seoul was pretty modest compared to what she could afford. 

Jisoo was an absolute sweetheart to be around, so Kira didn’t mind her company much. Her innocence and enthusiasm felt like Kira had a little sister to watch over, and she was sure the other girls felt the same. Next to Jisoo on the couch, Joy bundled up the smaller girl in a blanket, her chin on top of Jisoo’s head. The latter munched on popcorn, giggling at the actor of Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo.

Kira wasn’t that affected by him. She’d met him before (a random thought that came to her three minutes into the episode) and the surprise over his familiarity had melted off. Truth be told, Kira was more focused in the cold can in her hands.

She swung it back and forth, the liquid inside following the movement. One of her arms was on top of her propped knee, head hanging low as she glared at the beer. Seulgi brought five cans of beer, but since the girls were on an extreme diet and refused to take even a sip of alcohol – plus the fact they were a lot more engrossed in the drama – they didn’t protest when Kira hogged the plastic bag.

Halfway into the second episode, Kira took a swig of her third bottle. Empty. She let out a disgruntled sigh. The girls didn’t even seem aware that not taking the rest proved a lot harder than she let out.

Kira bit the inside of her cheeks, turning the can around with a frown on her face. They didn’t notice the movement of her arm as she reached for her fourth one, their attention still on the exchange between Nam Ju-Hyuk teasing the female lead. Kira turned back to her beer, then at her “friends.”

It was either they didn’t notice because of the drama, or because this was normal behaviour for Kira. But if it was normal, wasn’t it a huge red flag that she suffered from alcoholism? How come they never stopped her? And they still didn’t when Kira popped open her fourth can, a small moan reaching her lips as the cold and stingy booze slipped down . She felt refreshed. It felt like drinking liquid lightning – her nerves and body growing alive with a small hum.

She couldn’t help it, she really couldn’t.

Kira grinned at the end of her fourth can, head tipping backwards until they smacked against Yeri’s calves. “Have you guys seen the latest episode of Start-Up?”

“Ugh,” Jisoo covered her eyes, shaking her shoulders. “Nam Joo-Hyuk is sooo handsome. Don’t you think so, Kira?”

Kira didn’t respond. Her lungs were halfway burning, her legs itching to do something else. Soon enough, her fingers drummed against her thigh before they wrapped around her now empty can. It was coming back again. She wanted – no, this body wanted – nothing more than to reach for the last can. So she did. Just as she’d uncapped the last one with trembling fingers – out of fear, apprehension, excitement – a wave of overwhelming dread washed over her.

She hadn’t even realized she nearly crushed the can until Seulgi tapped her shoulder. “Huh?”

Joy grinned teasingly, “Aw, come on, she’s dating Baek. She’s not going to find anyone else attractive.”

The girls fell into a fit giggles. Seulgi, who was next to her, laughed rambunctiously for the first time. The fierce-eyed raven beauty barely cracked a smile and often got mistaken for being the demoness herself due to her sharp tongue, so seeing her laugh like that had Kira blinking back. A few seconds later, Seulgi’s chuckles died down, her cheek now resting on the crook of her palm. It was as if nothing happened.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Kira mumbled, unsure of what to say. Jisoo and Yerim began chatting amongst themselves on how Baekhyun and Kira became quite a topic for the otherwise dryness of their campus. Kira wanted to stay and listen more to what they had to say, to see if she and “Baek” had really been pulling these ruse off these past couple days. But the corners of her lip turned up by itself, tongue darting out to her lips.

Kira stared at the empty can in her hand, pursing her lips when she saw the plastic bag laid flat on the ground. Suddenly, Kira’s vision blurred and her grip on the can tightened. She’d done it again. Many times, she tried so desperately hard to do something else, drink something else.

But this body was powerful and took ahold of her actions stronger than Kira could resist. She couldn’t fight it. She couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t stop. “Uhm,” Kira shot up from her spot, laughing awkwardly when the girls fell mute at her sudden actions. She placed her hands at the back pocket of her jeans, head tilted back to Jisoo’s door. “I’m gonna go get a drink from the vending machine. You guys want anything else?”

“You better get water,” Taeyeon muttered, looking up after she’d grabbed the plastic bag. “You finished all our beer.”

Kira should’ve known that Taeyeon’s silence meant that she observed a lot more things better than everyone else. When her gaze cut through Kira’s panicked ones, the forced out smile came out quivery and small. She hadn’t even known Taeyeon that long, but that firm, hard eyes that settled on hers sent out a clear message. Her words weren’t an order, it was a warning.

She tucked a stray hair back her ear, nodding to convince herself, although she wasn’t really sure who she was convincing. “I’m fine,” she shrugged, “Don’t worry.”

The girls shouted at her to keep safe, but even as she replaced Jisoo’s house slippers with her ankle boots, Kira couldn’t shake off Taeyeon’s speculating gaze. She rubbed her arms up and down, feeling a slight shiver in her body as she remembered how the older woman tipped her head to the side, as if one look was all it took before she saw right through Kira.

Why was she even so afraid? Did she fear that Taeyeon would find out she wasn’t the real owner of this body, or was she more afraid that her “angelic” reputation would be tarnished?

No...that wasn’t it. There was nothing angelic about this Kira at all, and people knew it. She could tell from the way not everyone smiled at her. Some would sneer, calling her a ‘’ under their breaths. In certain times, she’d feel the heated stare of eyes burning behind her back, only to follow its source and see that it was mostly women who despised her.

Kira didn’t need to remember everything to know she’d done something awful, something such as stealing someone’s boyfriend. It was dishonourable, disgusting, and downright brought a lurch to her stomach. She couldn’t imagine why she’d do that, but then again, there were a lot of questionable actions this Kira had done that Kira still couldn’t wrap her head around to the why.

Why do I drink? Why do I only choose to post my great photos under the pretense I’m living a life that everyone wants? Why do I feel absolutely detached from everything and everyone, yet at the same time I’ve never felt more involved in someone’s life?

Kira walked past the vending machine at the hall. She didn’t look back once as she pushed through the doors, getting on the nearest bus before she walked to a food tent. Her feet took her there without much notice, but this time, Kira didn’t fight back. There was no need to. Not only would it be a futile attempt, but maybe, just maybe, giving in to this body’s needs would allow her to look more in the essence of who she was supposed to be.

She sat down on the table farthest from the tent’s opening, gesturing for the ahjumma that she was ready to have her order taken. Grilled oyster with braised pork, paired with lettuce, and three ing sojus. The woman didn’t blink at her orders, perhaps used to having people of all genders and ages let loose every now and then.

The only difference was that this wasn’t ‘every now and then’ for Kira. This could be a rather daily and constant occurrence judging from the way she couldn’t even sit still, her attention drifting off to the other customers who were already flushed from their drinks.

It was a relatively chilly night, and Kira hugged her coat closer to herself. She watched the way the head of the bottle made contact with their greasy lips, the liquid pouring down their mouths as if the was the most natural thing ever. It fizzed and swirled in the bottle, their grainy laughter nothing but white noise. The flushed warmth of their cheeks and necks, the unfocussed hazy eyes, and the amplified voices that talked about literal utter nonsense – it was familiar.

She knew, because she’d been there before.

Her fingers tapped impatiently on the table before her. Everyone around her clutched their own bottles, small shot glasses constantly filled in front of them. Kira breathed heavily in her seat. Sweat began to form in her hairline. It took very little to drive her over the edge, and she was this close to snatching the drinks off their hands, desperate to taste it herself.

Kira swallowed. She stood up from her seat and strode to the nearest table, stopping only when the cook came with her order in a tray. “Darling,” the old woman smiled, her eyes forming into little crinkles. “Do you not want to eat anymore? I’m sorry your order took long. If you want to leave, you can, but you still need to pay. That’s house policy.”

“Oh,” she furrowed her eyebrows, snapping out of her reverie when the refreshing broth warmed her senses. Like a switched on trigger, her eyes fell on the green bottles. Kira immediately brightened up. “No, I was...I don’t know why I stood up, sorry. Let me take that to my table,” she took the tray from the old woman, bowing in respect before dashing back to her seat, still trying to be extremely careful to not drop the food.

Kira didn’t waste any time in digging in. The saltiness of the oyster paired with the sweet tanginess of the pork had her drunk already, her taste buds exploding with flavour. It reminded her of when her father back in the countryside had a fresh kill that was big enough to feed the whole village, so the best cook amongst the families would provide a memorable meal for everyone.

Back then, things were simple. In the countryside, their biggest problem would be having insects and pest ruin their crops, or having the rain flood their house when the storms got too bad.

Kira missed it, but she also didn’t.

The liquor made her stagger in her own seat, chugging the drink in one go. What she loved most about the area was that everyon