Renjun looked at the permission slip in his hands. It had been abandoned in the bottom of his backpack for days now, left untouched. It was almost torn in many places as he kept ignoring it, but recently he'd realized it wasn't an issue he could push off for much longer with no consequences.

He hadn't dared to mention it to Jaemin and Jeno either - not when Jeno was clearly having a bad time with his injury, and Jaemin had been feeling even more grouchy after getting caught sneaking back home after the curfew again. 

Besides, it wasn't really an issue that had anything to do with them. But if he wanted to stay with his friends even a while longer, he needed to do this - he needed a tutor. And that's what the paper was for, to get him a proper tutor to pass his classes.

It was something his family would undoubtedly mock him for, but if they wanted him to be any less of a disappointment, they'd have to let him get the help he needed.

And as much as he hated the thought of letting some random older student lecture and ridicule him for how dumb he was, he couldn't exactly ask his friends to do the job of someone more equipped to help him. Besides, they both already had too much on their plates with him always staying over, stealing their beds and eating their food. They didn't need to be burdened with this, too.

So when his homeroom teacher had reached out to him, telling him she was worried about his ever-dropping grades, Renjun knew he was in deep trouble. He'd never been that good at studying, and despite his efforts, his grades had gotten to the lowest they could before he started failing every subject.

Renjun didn’t want that. She didn’t want it for him either, so she’d asked him to get his parents to sign the slip so he could officially be assigned to one of the school's free student tutors.

And maybe, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't like everyone in the school hated him, right? Surely someone wouldn't care. An unbiased tutor, who really just wanted him to succeed and pass his classes. That was all he was asking for. Someone that could get him more motivated and had the patience to deal with his troublesome self.

He already knew he’d never make it to college with the grades he had, there was no way he'd be able to improve them enough. But it wasn't something he'd ever afforded to dream about; he knew his parents would never fund his tuition like they did his sister's.

But that didn’t give him an excuse to get flunked out of high school. Not if he still wanted Jaemin and Jeno to stay in his life. Because they could choose to go almost wherever with a bright future ahead of them. They wouldn't even need to be too anxious if nothing went according to their plans.

But Renjun? What choice did he have? He'd only lose everything with no place left to hide in if things got too rough again. But the thought that scared him the most wasn't even that, it was the possibility of being left behind like he was worth nothing.

Renjun stuffed that thought out of his mind as soon as it arose. There was still precious time to be lost by wallowing; he needed to make sure he could make the most of all the time that was left. 

Checking the time, Renjun sighed. The kitchen should probably be clear now, his family tended to wake up early even on the weekends.

He could probably find his mom in the bedroom. His dad was probably out in the yard to pretend he wasn't a useless dead-beat again, so this would be his chance to go and ask for her help without fearing his father’s fury.

His steps stopped at the sounds of living coming from the kitchen. With his lips pursed together and his hands formed to fists, Renjun braved himself and entered anyway.

He couldn’t just stop living for the off chance he might annoy them that day, and he really needed his mom for this. It was unnegotiable, and she'd be the only one to even pretend to care enough to do something about it.

She might’ve been the one more passionate about blaming him for everything, but at least she somewhat dealt with him and his in a way she thought appropriate.

Well, barely, but it was something to grasp on when he needed their permission for something. His father was closed off and cold. Unpredictable, to be approached with extreme caution because he was more reactive than anything else.

And curse his luck, because that was exactly who he found in the kitchen with his sister sitting next to him, eating her breakfast.

“Oh, look who finally decided it was time to haul his out of the room,” his dad commented with a condescending tone. Like he’d have any idea how much he did or did not sleep anyway.

Renjun willed himself to ignore the comment to try to avoid altercations.

“It’s not that late,” he muttered back despite every other experience in the past telling him it wasn’t a good idea.

“What’s got your in a twist?” his sister sneered.

“Your face,” he hissed.

“Watch your tone, kid. We’ve told you to behave when talking to your sister.”

Yet she could say whatever the hell she wanted, no matter how condescending or hurtful her words could get? Right. What did he even expect at this point anymore?

“It’s not like I made you like this, that was all you,” she agreed with a smug shrug.

Ah, yes. Because Renjun had chosen to be born in this abusive family straight as a Pretzel. Because he had begged to be set as the bad example in judging others because ‘if it walks and talks like a Renjun, it must be gay’.

Yes. Renjun had asked for it the moment he'd born, because he had somehow chosen this life when he was conceived. Sure. Of course. Why not? Wasn’t everything always his fault anyway?

"Where's mom?"

"Why, what do you have to talk about with her?" his dad asked.

"A permission slip. She needs to sign it."

"And I'm not good enough?"

Renjun held back his snappy answer that would surely get his father riled up, letting his self-preservation instincts to finally kick in. Late but welcomed. "I didn't think you were interested in my schooling."

His father made a face, "She's out. Give me that slip and I'll sign it. I don’t even care what it’s for."

Renjun let out a breath of relief. That would make things easier for him for sure. "Okay."

Jaemin gritted his teeth through the pounding in his head. He'd gotten home past the curfew the other night because he'd insisted on staying over at Jeno's to help him and keep him company, and his mom had been furious with him since then, breathing down on his neck.

She'd told him she'd confiscate any way of communicating with his friends if he didn't improve, telling him he would be grounded the moment his grades dropped to a B. 

He'd stayed up late studying in case his mom decided he wasn't doing enough, and the migraine he'd woken up with was absolutely horrendous.

It was almost impossible to focus on the text even after taking a few painkillers, but his mom wasn't letting him off the hook that easily, making sure to come nag him about how much of a failure he was.

"I checked your scores. Your grades have slipped a little. I thought I made it clear that I will bolt that window shut if this keeps up. Friends are not to be a distraction."

"I know."

"You know? So why are your grades slipping? Are you doing it on purpose?"

Jaemin gritted his teeth. "Why would I do that? That's so stupid."

"Don't talk back to your mother," she hissed. "I'm just trying to look after you. You know how many kids have parents that don't give a about their kids' education?"

Yeah, and you know one of them, too, he responded bitterly inside his head. What a ing blessing it must be, not to have someone breathing down your neck every second.

"I'm trying my best." Mistakes happen. Him getting a wrong year in a history essay question once wasn't going to crumble his hopes and dreams for the future. "I've had some nosebleeds again, so I'm... taking it easy."

"You have the iron pills for that. Have you not eaten your vitamins? Honestly, this is why that Renjun kid has such a horrific effect on you. He doesn't give a about trying, and you're acting up because of it."

"I'm not acting up!"

"Don't raise your voice at me. Look at you now, shouting like this for such a simple matter! This isn't you, Jaemin. You can do better than this. Be better."

Yeah, right. Be better? How? Nothing ever seemed to please his mom. 

"Can't I just go visit Jeno today? His hand is still injured. I could help him review? He can't really write his notes himself at the moment, so I could benefit from it too."

"So? What does that have to do with you? You've been over there all the time this week, and you'll see him at school first thing in the morning. I'm sure his mom can take care of him for one day."

"But she's always busy! That's why I want to go! Maybe it'll even help me memorize better!"

"Don't try to bull me, Jaemin. I'm sure Jeno knows how to take care of himself more than you do currently. If you don't get your act together, you're grounded."

"Mom!"

"Shut it, or you're grounded for longer. No phone."

Jaemin groaned, slamming his face against the desk.

Jeno didn't even notice the house was quiet when he finally came in, shaking off his shoes and dropping his training bag to the ground. He was already used to his mom never being at home, so it was just another Tuesday for him.

He stretched himself as high as he could, groaning as he tried to loosen his stiff neck. He'd been walking a little differently unconsciously during all this to avoid the pain and soreness of his arm, and now that his shoulder was healing fast, he was trying to learn to ease himself back to normal.

He'd been allowed back to practice even if he was banned from doing most things. It had only been a week and the infection in his hand was still surprisingly strong even after going through his prescribed antibiotics, but he'd been winded and beat after only fifteen minutes of taking it easy, and he wasn't sure what to make of it.

He'd wanted to hit the gym after, but he'd skipped after knowing overdoing it would only land himself back in the ER.

And it was stupid! It really was. He'd been going to the gym the moment his shoulder felt a little better, working on his legs, occasionally using his uninjured hand as support, but he was left exhausted and in pain each time, so eventually his mom had intervened and given him an earful one of the rare times she'd been there when he got home. 

Sighing, he grabbed a banana from the counter and went upstairs, deciding to take a shower first and foremost, and figure out the rest of the day after that. If he could even keep his eyes open.

Jeno kept groaning as he looked for his bluetooth speaker, almost giving up before spotting it wedged behind his bed and wall. These days he'd found the silence a little unbearable, constantly putting on some kind of background noise or another. 

When he was done, he quickly threw on some loose PJs and went downstairs with the music still with him, his hair dripping wet as he went to the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for food.

He found one store-bought ready meal, humming as he read the label. Mashed potatoes and meatballs with brown gravy.

Nice.

The portion was a little small, but edible enough. He opened the packet, singing along the music as he placed it in the microwave, spoon already waiting in his mouth. 

As he waited for it to warm up, he went to fetch his bag before unceremoniously dropping himself by the kitchen table, fishing out his school books to get started with his homework while his fingers tapped along the beat of the music. 

He wouldn't be able to write the answers, but his teachers had made an exception for him, letting him type down his answers on his phone. And he could've just said no, he wasn't even that keen on studying, but his mom really didn't need more things to worry about.

Especially now that he'd gotten hurt, so he wanted to make sure he didn't get left behind just because he was careless, making sure he wouldn't be too affected by his eff up.

But stubbornness could only get him so far.

The pain, the guilt, the frustration... It always bled through in the end. It started with the silence that always hung in the air after he was done. It was that stillness that really bothered him.

Because it would always start off fine. He wouldn't mind being alone, already used to it, and he didn't mind taking twice the time to get ready and making sure his hand didn't get wet. 

And then he'd do his thing and find everything okay till he was done.

And then... nothing.

The silence would only stretch on, the stillness of the apartment slowly forcing itself to his consciousness despite his attempts at ignoring it. He'd never admitted it to anyone, but he got anxious about being forced to be alone.

It had never become an issue, but this week had been a nightmare, and now the anxiety always nagging at him was eating away at the calmness he'd been able to hold on for a record time.

Needing something else to focus on, Jeno pushed away his homework and the TV, thinking about his friends.

About the rumors.

About the extra attention Jeno didn't understand them receiving just because people found out they weren't dating. Even Yerim had called them boyfriends.

That wasn't too weird, right? He'd never had issues with people assuming things about him and his friends. He had absolutely zero issues with Renjun being gay, or anyone being gay at all. He really didn't understand why it was such a big deal. It wasn't like gay and straight were the only ualities either. So why were people so intent on creating these two incredibly small and tiny boxes on everyone?

He knew that when Renjun had come out, it had caused a huge stir. Not because he was gay but because he already was a little of an outcast with how quiet he was with other people.

That had only amplified the reaction he got when they finally found ammo to use against him, to justify their treatment of him even when it was obvious something was off with him in the first place. 

Sighing, Jeno placed his uninjured hand over his face and closed his eyes, taking in deep, calming breaths. Thinking too deeply about how unfair people in his life could be always got him a little antsy, but especially when it came to Renjun.

Not because he pitied him, but because he knew how severe the consequences had been when the news had made it back to his family.

Renjun hadn't shown up to school for a week after that, and when he did... Jeno shuddered, still remembering the colorful show of yellows, purples, blacks and blues.

His stomach twisted, nausea clawing up his throat. It wasn't a sight he wanted to remember, but it was one he'd never be able to erase from his mind. It fuelled his nightmares, made him even more anxious when it came to Renjun just brushing it off like nothing.

But Jeno and Jaemin had no clue what to do about it. How to proceed. Every time they'd tried to talk about it, Renjun refused to say anything. They all knew he didn't need to say it for it to be true; that the marks on his body spoke on their own. 

And Jeno had tried, oh he'd tried. Jaemin, too. They'd asked his mom for help on many occasions, knowing she had contacts that could help, but after the few attempts at calling the authorities that had had them all dismissing the issue and brushing it under the carpet, there wasn't much left they could do. 

And Renjun refusing to let them meddle and help after that just made things worse. He'd gotten so mad, looking hurt and distrustful. He'd almost withdrawn away from them for a while, but Jaemin had gotten a glimpse under his shirt around his stomach and gone deathly still.

They hadn't tried again after that.

Things continued to be bad, but rarely to the point it had gotten so many times before. Maybe the constant visits from child protective services and the police had forced them to tone it down a little, or maybe Renjun had learned how to avoid it better.

But it never ended. Would never end.

So Jeno feeling bad about his inflamed hand was probably the most ridiculous thing he'd ever done. Not that he could control the way he felt about it, the self-deprecating thoughts making him laugh bitterly to himself.

Stupid, so stupid. With a sigh Jeno looked outside in the darkness of the night, trying to drown the constant strum of anxiety inside of him. 

He wondered if Renjun would come over to keep him company that night...