“My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape.”

• Bret Eaton Ellis

 

Minseok’s POV

“Are you sure you got the right girl?”

“Yes, I’m positive about it. I overheard her introduced herself as ‘Kim Jangmi’.”

“There are many people with the surname ‘Kim’, she could be related to anyone.”

Jongdae let out a huff of annoyance, “My last name is Kim and I know she’s not related to me. If she was, I would recognize her. Oh sh—!”

“Kim Jongdae! I thought I told you to not use that kind of language around me.”

“Just get your here!” Jongdae whispered as he ends the call.

Minseok let out a sigh and thought of what to do. His birthday is in 5 days and his mother will throw a fit if he doesn’t show up. But…what he’s doing is more important than his birthday.

On his desk sat a frame of a picture of him and his mother. Upon closer inspection, the picture is folded. Minseok opens the frame to unfold the picture, revealing a man and a little girl on the other half.

His eyes misted over as he stared at the girl, “I hope it’s you this time…Jangmi.”

 

Minseok began packing a bag to head to Jongdae’s hotel. His only thoughts as he made his way there are just imaginations of how Jangmi would react. Then he realizes that Jangmi might not be the same little girl as before.

While Minseok may love his mother, he could never forgive her for what she did.

“Promise me, Minseok. Don’t say anything to anyone.”

Minseok was only in his 20’s when he discovered his mother having an affair. It happens during a night out with his friends, just as he returned home, he saw his mother in a car kissing a man who is not his father.

“Why did you do it?”

“I…I don’t know why.”

Minseok let out a scoff. “That’s no excuse.”

As he got up to leave, his mother grabs onto his hand and kneeling.

“I’m sorry,” She whimpered. “All I know is…All I know is I felt I met my soulmate.”

“Soulmate? I thought father was your soulmate.”

His mother was quiet for a while.

“I may have married your father but I could never bring myself to love him.”

Minseok felt angered. “Then what about me? Did you at least think about me when you had this fling?”

“I did it!” She cried. “You’re more important to me than anyone else in the world.”

“Then what about Jangmi? Did you also think about her?”

His mother said nothing but continued crying quietly.

He was always her favorite and everyone never stops letting him know that. While Jangmi is the unfavored one to their mother but his father adores Jangmi.

At first, Minseok thought he was the only one aware of his mother’s affair until his father suddenly announces it during dinner. How his father discovered the affair is unknown but based on how Jangmi acted, Minseok guessed who told their father. That dinner became their last family dinner together and the last time he saw his father and Jangmi. He had hoped his mother to let Jangmi stayed with them but she refused. Even when he also asks his father, his father chose to let Jangmi make the final decision.

Jangmi’s POV

Jangmi felt it was a bad idea to stay at this hotel. It was a nice looking hotel that a friend recommended and guests are given the option to permanently live in the hotel. So Jangmi couldn’t turn down that offer. Although she’s only staying for a few days rather than staying permanently.

“It’s better to not stay too long in this town,” Jangmi murmured to herself as she closes her eyes to sleep.

Ever since her parents divorced, Jangmi and her father moved aboard to America. It wasn’t easy for Jangmi to get used to moving, but she made an effort for her father. The real reason Jangmi had a hard time is due to her mother’s affair remaining in her head.

Unlike Minseok who discovered it on his own and hearing an explanation from his mother, Jangmi discovers it through a rival. Jangmi remembered what it was like witnessing that affair. Her rival classmate apparently wanted to taunt her with it. She leads Jangmi to the place where she witnesses the affair and took great delight in how hurt Jangmi looked.

“See look over there. In that car is your mother and some man,” whispered Jangmi’s rival. “The last time I saw them they were in there for a long time.”

Jangmi stayed there while her rival left. Though her rival was happy to see her miserable, she felt uncomfortable seeing Jangmi’s tears along with tight fists that look as if it would burst. For hours, she watched her mother with that man entangle in that car. Because she was only 15 at that time, Jangmi chose to do nothing and focus on her schoolwork. But none of the schoolwork could make her forget what she saw.

It became a problem she tried to deny never happen or that she imagined everything out of stress. When her father was called in due to her falling grades, Jangmi showed him the place. She didn’t want to continue hiding this from him nor did she want him to continue being in a loveless marriage.

“I’m sorry, dad,” Jangmi apologize while on her knees. “I never meant to hide it from you.”

Her father hugged her while reassuring her, “It’s not your fault, sweetheart. It’s my fault. I didn’t give her enough attention.”

Not only did the affair hurt her but learning that Minseok knew about it and kept it a secret hurt her more. Jangmi saw it as an act of betrayal from Minseok for hiding it from their father. When she and he were given the choice to pick which parent to stay with, Jangmi didn’t hesitate to choose her father. Deep down, a small part of her had hoped her mother would ask her to choose her.

When she said nothing to her, like she always did, Jangmi decides to cut her long hair. She always kept it long because she wants it to be a reason to talk to her mother. Now she wants nothing to do with her, “I want you to keep this so it can be a reminder that I don’t give a damn about you anymore.”

Jangmi suddenly gasps awake as if she felt an electric shock within her body. She reached for her phone to find that it is the evening, she had arrived around 5:30 am to check-in. Just when she got up to use the restroom, she heard an object fall. The fallen object is a wrapped bundle that Jangmi doesn’t recognize as her own or if she ever saw it when she came in.

“Now where did you come from?” Jangmi turned the bundle around to look for a card or note along with an opening to open the bundle.

She suddenly gasped as she peered at the contents of the bundle and toss it back on her bed in fright. The spilled contents are the bits of her hair that she cut off and gave to her mother.

“Minseok, you bastard,” Jangmi growled lowly as she rummaged through her luggage for clothing.

Minseok’s POV

Minseok waited patiently at the dining area of the hotel. From time to time he gazed at his watch and towards the entrance. He did something stupid by making Jongdae ask a housekeeper to sneak into Jangmi’s room to leave the bundle there.

Lost in his thoughts for a brief moment, Minseok didn’t see a figure standing at his table staring at him.

“Are you waiting for me?” Jangmi asked, dropping the bundle in front of Minseok.

Minseok held in his scream as he stood up from his seat. Jangmi sat down as Minseok continued staring at her. He thought Jangmi would look the same when she was young. The Jangmi in front of him wore dark clothing and her short hair seem to have grown a bit. He also noticed she seem to have some dark circles around her eyes.

“Are you just going to stand there and stare?” Jangmi asked, already eating the food at the table.

Minseok sat down, his eyes still on Jangmi as she eats. The food he ordered was her favorites. At least he hoped they still are her favorites. He especially made sure to order her two most favorite foods: Tteokgalbi (grilled short rib patties) and Tteokbokki (stir-fried rice cakes).

All Minseok did is watch her eat. Based on how she sounded, he can tell she’s not happy. That is the reason he ordered food for her, hoping she might not be too angry at him.

“Jangmi…” Minseok mumbled. “Iwantyoutocomehomeformybirthdayparty.”

Jangmi stopped eating as she raised her brows in confusion at Minseok’s sentence.

Minseok embarrassed, let out a chuckle. “I-I want you to…come home for…my birthday party.”

A few minutes passed by as Jangmi continued eating. The first words that came out of when she finished are, “No.”

“What? Why?”

“You know why, big brother. So don’t try to act like you don’t remember who I’m referring to.”

“She’s talking about our mother.” Minseok thought in his head.

Minseok realized he didn’t think of this carefully. How could he forget about what Jangmi said when she left with their father? It’s terrible but he just wants to have Jangmi at the party. If their mother saw Jangmi…she might throw her out and he doesn’t want that.

“I’m going back to my room,” Jangmi said as she stood up. “And you can leave me the hell alone because my answer is still ‘no’.”

Minseok watched her walk away, unable to get her to stay and talk. His phone starting ringing and he saw the caller is his mother. He chose to ignore it, for now, to think of what to do for his party.

THE NEXT DAY

Minseok has been standing outside of Jangmi’s room after spending his night thinking. Jongdae of course was with him, offering some helpful advice.

“Just call your mom and ask her.”

“I can’t. I know she’s going to disagree the moment the question pops up.”

“Just try it.”

Minseok shook his head.

“Then…make it into your birthday wish.”

“What?”

“Wish for it then maybe a miracle will happen and Jangmi shows up at the party,” Jongdae said as he took a sip of his hot cocoa. “It will be too much of a coincidence that your mother can’t throw her out. We can pretend that your wish came true if she appears.

Minseok felt the lightbulb in his head turn on. Maybe this plan might be the one to get Jangmi there.

He was about to knock on Jangmi’s door but was unsure if she’s awake. So he pressed his ear onto the door, hoping to hear a sound. It sounded like the shower was on and Minseok waited patiently until he heard it stopped. He waited a bit for her to dress up and chose to knock on the door when he felt she was done.

“Who is it?” Jangmi’s muffled voice asked.

Minseok wanted to answer but became speechless. By not answering, a confused Jangmi headed to the door and glanced in the peephole.

“Minseok!” Jangmi shouted in surprise. “What do you want?”

“Um…I…um,” Minseok stammered. “I just wanted to see you.”

Jangmi spoke in a sarcastic tone, “Are you trying to pull a ‘Frozen’ on me? Am I going to hear you ask me if I want to build a snowman?”

Minseok checked the weather app on his phone. It looks like it’s snowing. “Um…do you want to build a snowman?”

“No.”

Minseok, knowing Jangmi can see him form the peephole, stomped his feet and pouted. No one can resist him when he turns on the aegyo. “Jangmi.”

“The answer’s still ‘no’ even if you’re using aegyo on me.”

Minseok left, feeling disappointed. But he’s determined to not give up.

For the next few days, before his birthday, Minseok persistently visited Jangmi to get her to see him. He felt like Anna trying to coerce Elsa out of her room. And just like Elsa, Jangmi stayed in her room and didn’t come out.

Minseok then thought of finally calling his mother. For some reason, he had a hunch on why their mother never showed any attention to Jangmi. He just hopes his mother will tell him her reason.

Hearing his mother mention the plans for his party made him happy but also sad. He just wanted Jangmi to come even if it hurts his mother.

“Mom. I want you to be honest with me and I hope you won’t get mad about this,” Minseok said in a serious tone. “I want Jangmi to come to my party.”

The sound of an object falling was heard through the phone.

“Hello? Mom?”

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I dropped the phone in surprise with your request. But…uh…she’s…isn’t she in America with her father?”

“I know she is, mom,” Minseok said. “Today, I saw her at Jongdae’s hotel and I told her I want her at my party.”

“NO!” His mother shouted over the phone. “I don’t want her there. The answer is no!”

His mother hangs up the phone quickly. Minseok tried to dial back but his mother refuses to answer.

“She said ‘no’ didn’t she?”

Minseok turned around to find Jangmi in his room. Caught by surprise he realizes she must have overheard his conversation with his mother.

“How did you get in?” Minseok asked, placing his phone down.

“Jongdae told me you’d be in your room,” Jangmi gestured to his door. “Now I can see how you got that bundle in my room. Also, you left the door unlocked. I knocked but you didn’t seem to hear it.”

Awkward silence is in the air as Minseok struggled to bring out the words to say to Jangmi.

Knowing Minseok wants to comfort her Jangmi spoke first, “I told you she wouldn’t want there but you keep insisting on wanting me there.”

“I know—"

“Then stop asking me to come to your party.”

“But I want you there,” Minseok reached out to hold Jangmi’s hands. “I want everyone to see my little sister. I know mother never let you come to my party when people are around and I regret never saying anything to you about it.”

Jangmi’s face, which was expressionless earlier, now had a look of rage. Along with sadness as her eyes became misty.

“What do you know about how I feel?” Jangmi said as she pulled her hands out of Minseok’s. “Do you know what’s it like to watch her praise you while all I got was nothing?”

Jangmi wiped her tears angrily and went for the door. Before leaving she tried to calm herself to steady her voice, “I’m leaving this ty town and you better not follow me.”

With an angry yank, Jangmi slammed the door closed and ran off. Minseok grabbed his phone and jacket as he ran after her.

“Jangmi!” Minseok shouted the moment he got outside, only to find himself looking into a white landscape.

It seems to be snowing heavily today, unlike the past few days. Minseok quickly got into his car, intending to see if he can catch up to wherever Jangmi ran off to. Despite the heavy snowfall, he is determined to find her. Remembering he has a phone, Minseok stops his car and tries to call Jangmi, hoping she answered him.

“Jangmi, where are you?”

“Why do you care where I am?!”

“Because you’re my sister…and I do care for you.”

“Just leave me alone!” Jangmi shouted with a sniffle. “Every time I see you, all I see are those horrid memories.”

Minseok became speechless at Jangmi’s words. He didn’t think she feels this way. He knew she was deeply affected by how their mother treated her. It’s just that he didn’t think Jangmi would hate him too. Then, he remembered that he wasn’t a good older brother, he saw his sister being unfavored by their mother and did nothing to speak up for her. How can he call himself her brother when he didn’t help her?

“I just want you to leave me alone. If you don’t, I will continue running far away.”

Minseok cut in, “Jangmi, no! Even if you escape to Mt. Everest and reside in the snow, I’ll follow after you.”

If Minseok were next to Jangmi, he would know his words touch her. Except she doesn’t want anyone to know how much she does care about Minseok.

Minseok continued before Jangmi will hang up, “Let me make things right, Jangmi. I wasn’t a good older brother to you before. So please, let me make things right and take care of you as I should have.”

Jangmi said nothing and hang up the phone. Minseok in a distressed state began driving, trying to think of places Jangmi would be at. While he may not have been too close to Jangmi, Minseok did know of some of the things she likes.

All of a sudden, Minseok’s phone rang. He answered it without looking at the number before stopping the car. “Jangmi?”

“Minseok, it’s mommy.”

“Oh. Sorry, I thought you were Jangmi. Did you need something?”

“I haven’t been honest with you, Minseok. I should have told you this when you were young but I was a coward who hid it from you.”

Minseok could hear his mother let out a small cry over the phone.

“Your father and I kept this a secret, a secret only a few people in our family knew about. Jangmi…is not my daughter.”

“What, that’s impossible,” Minseok said in shock. “You had a big stomach when you told me you gave birth to her. How can she not be your daughter if you gave birth to her?”

“I was a surrogate, sweetie. I was a surrogate for your aunt who couldn’t have any children. Before I gave birth to Jangmi, we got into a big fight and she and your uncle got into that car accident.”

“What did you two fight about?” Minseok asked. He felt a hunch about their fight but he wasn’t sure if his hunch is correct.

“We fought over the men we love. She was under the assumption I slept with your uncle to conceive Jangmi. Then she told me that she used to date your father and they might have done more than a kiss.”

Minseok’s eyebrows furrowed, “Is that why you had an affair? You thought dad and aunt might have…”

His mother took her time to speak and he waited patiently. His thoughts were still on where Jangmi wandered to in this snow.

“I did love your father but after what your aunt said, I couldn’t help but hate him for lying to me. It affected me badly to the point that I believe he cared for Jangmi because he saw her as a replacement for your aunt.”

Minseok felt a tear fall as his mother continued, “I even found myself hating Jangmi for that reason. It was like she’s a reminder of what happened between my sister and me.”

Speechless at the revelation, Minseok continued to listen through his mother’s words and tears.

A FEW HOURS LATER

One of the things his mother told him about his aunt is that her special place is a café. A café that serves incredibly good bread. Minseok almost didn’t believe there is a café with the name “Café Onion” until Jongdae told him where it is.

At first, he couldn’t find Jangmi due to some tables being grouped. But he found her, sitting in a far corner, eating some Pandoro. Quickly, Minseok sat next to her.

“How’d you find me?” Jangmi asked in surprise.

“Mom told me,” Minseok said. “She said that if auntie went here when she was feeling down, she thinks you might do the same.”

Jangmi looks surprised, it seems she must have been told the truth at some point in her life. “She told you?”

Minseok nodded, “She also made up her mind and wants you to come to my party.”

Seeing that Jangmi would refuse once more, Minseok grabbed her hand, “Please, Jangmi.”

Jangmi was touched and happy but a small part of her didn’t want to be happy. She turned her face away as she felt her eyes misting.

“You were right you are a terrible brother.”

“I know.”

“You should have been there for me whenever I needed help but you never were.”

“I know.”

“My life wasn’t all perfect like yours since they divorced,” Jangmi whispered as her tears fell. “I have a messed up love life.”

“Mine’s not perfect either,” Minseok said, offering a shoulder for Jangmi to cry on. “I stress out a lot to the point that I have moments where I…where I break down.”

Jangmi was surprised as Minseok did well to hide his emotions. It seems like the perfect big brother she always imagined was not as perfect as she thought. He’s just like her.

THE DAY OF MINSEOK’S BIRTHDAY

Minseok stared at the door from time to time. Jangmi told him she would come so he couldn’t help but be on the lookout for her. Just when it was time to blow out the candles, the doorbell rang. Minseok bolted towards the door, hoping that the final guest is Jangmi.

“Happy Birthday, big brother.”

Minseok’s eyes shined brightly when he saw Jangmi at the door with a bag in her hand. Extremely happy, he enveloped Jangmi in an embrace as he spun her around. Everyone smiled at the sweet moment between the siblings. Even his mother, who decided to make up for the way she treated Jangmi. She joined Minseok in hugging Jangmi who was surprised but returned the hug.

“Since you’re the guest of honor, you want to help your brother blow out his candles?” Their mother asked.

“I’d like that,” Jangmi said as the two lead her to where the birthday cake is.