When I got back to my dorm from the party, I was soaked from the rain. Seul-gi, my roommate, instantly greeted me with a smile on her face. The smile vanishing when she took in my soaked body and red eyes. She didn't ask me question, instead she grabbed a towel for me and turned our space heater on. 

Despite being roommates, Seul-gi and I weren't super close. We basically talked to each other about classes and studies. Besides that she lived in her own world and I lived in mine. I was always with Hye-jin anyway, so I hadn't bothered trying to get close to Seul-gi. I knew Seul-gi was pretty popular though but she wasn't like Queen Bee Joo-hyun. 

She was popular for all her volunteer work around campus and being active in clubs. She was popular because she was the good girl who professors loved. She was the shining star of our year and girls like her didn't go to parties. Girls like me don't go to parties. I simply let my stupid loyalty to Hye-jin cause me to make the biggest mistake of my life. I couldn't even think of Hye-jin without my blood boiling as Seul-gi quietly helped me strip out of my clothes. 

If I wasn't in an emotional state of mind, I probably would've pushed her away and hide myself in our bathroom. I didn't though as she tried to dry my brown locks and hung the dress up on the top of the bathroom door. She then left me standing in the hallway as she the hot shower for me. It was a bit comforting to have someone take care of me as I mentally and emotionally broke down. 

I really ran in the rain from that party to our dorm bare footed. My feet were sore and I'm sure I had some minor cuts on them. I couldn't physically feel a thing as I ran away from Byul-yi. I couldn't get her face out of my head and her purple locks. It made my whole dramatic running in the rain worse. Her stupid hamster smile and soft hands were stuck in my head. I wanted my mind and heart to let Byul-yi go by the time I got back to the dorm, but that was a complete fail. 

"I'm going to make you some tea. The shower is running for you. Let me know if you need anything else." Seul-gi said to me in this soft voice with a look of pity on her face.  I don't know if it was her kind voice or her cat-like brown eyes, but I found myself breaking out in a large sob. My small body sinking to the floor as I hugged myself. 

I was expecting Seul-gi to call me a "crazy " but she simply sat on her knees in front of me and pulled me into a hug. My hands gripped the back of her shirt as I sobbed into her chest. She stayed still as I sobbed for a moment, my heart feeling as if it was being squeezed. I wasn't only crying because of Byul-yi. I was also crying because of the ed situation Hye-jin put me in.

Why had my best friend drag me to this ridiculous party? Why did she choose to abandon me? It felt as if our friendship was over. I never expected in a million years for Hye-jin to hurt me like that. I tried to excuse it with the fact that she was drunk but a wise person once said, "Drunk thoughts are sober truths." Her abandonment was the truth of how she felt about me and that hurt even more than Byul-yi affection.  

Once I gathered my senses, I apologized to Seul-gi. "I'm so sorry. I'm a mess. I just... Tonight ."

Seul-gi gave me an empathic look and shook her head, "It's okay, Whee-in. I'm here for you even if we don't talk that much. How about you take that warm shower and get changed? I will make us some tea then we can just chill out and talk, okay?" 

Seul-gi was simply an angel. I felt lucky in that moment to have such a good roommate as I got off the floor and went into the small bathroom. I stripped out of my wet bra and , tossing them to the ground. I then took a look at myself in the mirror. My hair was wet and stringy, my eyes puffy from sobbing with redness. My cheeks were red from my sobbing fit as well. I looked like a ing mess. What did Byul-yi even see in me tonight? 

Perhaps she saw a naive loser who was lost. She probably was messing with me for entertainment. I heard about Byul-yi over my few years on campus. She was that hot lesbian chick everyone wanted and she dated Joo-hyun. I hadn't paid attention to those rumors because it wasn't my world. I knew I wasn't going to be part of that world; but suddenly all the rumors came rushing into my head as I climbed into the hot shower. 

The hot water warmed my skin and bones. It washed my tears and pain away. My feet caused dirt to run down the drain mixed with some blood. I would have to clean it. Heaven forbid I end up with an infection and have my foot amputated. It would be a story for the books, wouldn't it? 

I don't recall how long I stayed in the shower. I just knew at one point the water went from being hot to warm then to cool to cold. I finally turned the water off when my s grew rock hard from the coldness. My body shivering as well. I then dried myself off and pulled on my robe that I kept in the bathroom. I then came out to see if Seul-gi was still there. 

She was. She was sitting at our two person kitchen table with two mugs of tea in front of her. Her eyes instantly went to me and I walked over to the table. I sat across from her and my lips formed a small smile. 

"Thank you. I apologize for being such a mess, Seul-gi-ssi." I bow my head and then pick up the mug of tea. It was warm so it gave comfort to my pruned up hands. Seul-gi shook her head once again and gave me a reassuring smile. 

"It's okay. I can understand. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to." She took a sip of her tea and offered me a warm eyesmile. 

I wanted to talk to Seul-gi. I felt the urge to let all my thoughts out as she sat in front of me and we sipped on our tea. It was an offer that was perfect for me but for some reason I didn't take it. I simply gave her an understanding nod and focused on the tea. I didn't want Seul-gi to judge me. Someone like her seemed so proper, she probably had a conservative upbringing. It meant she probably didn't want to hear about my night with Byul-yi and how I fell in love. I didn't want extra pain. 

When I finished my tea, I thanked Seul-gi and retreated to my room. I flopped down in bed prepared to do some scrolling through Instagram then I remembered I left my phone with Hye-jin. Anxiety built up in my chest because that meant I would have to see her. I would have to go to her dorm or one of her classes to get my phone back. I could only hope that she didn't lose my phone. I could only hope that I wouldn't be an emotional wreck when I saw her tomorrow. 

I rolled onto my side and curled up with the Rilakkuma stuffed plushie I had. I felt like a little girl once again as I buried my face in its soft head and closed my eyes. I used to curl up with a teddy bear plushie and sing to it as a kid and teen. It was one of the ways I comforted myself through my parents arguments and the sounds of my father fists hitting my mom. I used to cry into my stuffed plushie because I knew there was not much I could do. I could only hope that one day my dad would not be so angry and would stop hitting my mom. 

I was such a naive kid. I used to wonder if my mother cooked better meals or cleaned up more, if my father would stop hitting her. I really used to think it was her fault until we moved away. I knew that was probably hard for my mother and it was hard for me too. Even though my dad was to my mother, he never laid a hand on me. He never hurt me or lost his temper with me. It was only her. 

I never found out why he enjoyed hurting her. It was something my mother and I never talked about. She just always told me to find someone who loved me so much, that they were too scared to ever hurt me. She always told me to find a very good man with a pure and loving heart. She said his wealth and status did not matter as long as he loved me with all the purity in the world. 

I never found that guy. Instead I found who I thought was that girl. Isabella Elise Bianchi. She was the foreign exchange student from Italy that was in one of my art classes. Her Korean was quite adorable, her skills not going much further than elementary level talk. Art has no language though. We bonded over her realism pieces and my contemporary pieces. 

I don't quite recall when I began to fall for Isabella. It just happened naturally and Hye-jin was the first person to pick up on it. She would mention how much I would talk about Isabella and how I used the random Italian words she taught me. I even picked up on Isabella's habit to chew on the top of my pen. When Hye-jin pointed these things out, I immediately grew scared and got shy around Isabella. 

Eventually she confessed how she liked me and I confessed I liked her two. We then became a couple, a secret couple, yet our time together was so grand. She made me feel happy and comfortable. I now had someone besides Hye-jin to be friends with. Isabella taught me how to love my art and how to stop being so self-deprecating. She taught me what love was and made me feel good about it. 

I knew I was in deep when I was planning on spending my summer break in Italy with her. I had told my mom and grandma that I was doing a summer class and I had started saving up my money from my work at a nearby bakery. Once summer hit, I was prepared to buy my tight but Isabella was gone. She had blocked me on all social medias and I never heard from her again. 

It cut me like a sword. It felt as if someone had taken the largest sword on earth and stabbed me right through my heart. Isabella was my first love and first kiss. She was supposed to be that someone who loved me too much to hurt me but I was wrong. I spent that entire summer in a deep depression. Hye-jin tried her best to bring me back to normal but she knew how much I was hurt. The only thing that soothed my heart was my art and my art Instagram page. 

I made @jungwhee_arts to escape from the pain of Isabella but to also hopefully bring her back to me. That didn't work and by the end of the summer, Min-seok told me how she had switched to a program in Japan. He had no clue why but he knew she had done so since his friend was in the foreign exchange program. Once I found that news out, I decided to just forget about Isabella and my future with love. Love was not worth the pain to me. As long as I had my mom, grandma, Hye-jin, and art... Nothing else mattered. 

Until Moon Byul-yi came along. 

I woke up the next morning at 8AM. I had a massive migraine and my eyes were swollen. I slowly got out of bed and headed out to the bathroom. I had a class that started at 10, so I knew I would have to get my phone back from Hye-jin soon enough. 

I felt my heart race as I focused on washing my face in the sink. I had to face Hye-jin and I honestly didn't know if I could do it. If I could, I would just buy a whole new phone and move on. But, I didn't have the money to do that and I had too many memories on my phone. I had to be strong and get my phone back. My plan was to simply go to Hye-jin's dorm and ask for my phone and walk away. 

When I left the bathroom, I immediately headed back into my room to get dressed. I pulled on an oversized hoodie and sweats. I didn't care about looking good because I felt like crap. The world was going to see a crappy Jung Whee-in with puffy, red eyes and a frown. I wasn't the type to care about my appearance anyhow. No one ever paid attention to me in my classes so it didn't matter much. 

I felt the grumble of hunger from my stomach, but I knew if I ate breakfast now, I might throw up in front of Hye-jin due to the anxiety and nerves. I simply grabbed a bottle of water and left out of my dorm. I told myself I could do this as I made my way to the elevator and to Hye-jin's floor.

Anxiety was grasping onto my back and squeezing at my lungs as the elevator moved up. My eyes were suddenly blurry and my hands were shaky. I wanted to go back to my dorm and hide in bed. I wanted Seul-gi to be there to take care of me again, but I knew she was already at class or whatever she does. I had to face Hye-jin on my own and that was what was driving me insane. I felt lightheaded as I stumbled out of the elevator and onto her floor. 

I had to take a second to lean against the wall to breathe. In through my nose and out through my mouth. Would Hye-jin even remember what pain she caused me last night? She was drunk. That's no excuse. Drunk thoughts are only the truth. My tiny hand goes over my heart, I was literally grasping my small due to the anxiety. I probably looked like a creep to the few girls who were walking down the hall. 

I finally shook myself out of my daze and marched to Hye-jin's dorm. I stood in front of the door and felt my eyes tear up from the photo of her and I she had on the front door. Her and her roommate had decorated their door with photos and quotes. I've seen plenty of dorm doors covered in photos, art, quotes, and messages. It was to show off your individuality or whatever. 

My fingers gently grazed the photo of Hye-jin and I. My anxiety slowly turns into frustration. I wanted to rip that photo off the door and tear it up. Why was it even there? Soon enough it will be replaced with a photo of Joo-hyun and her "yes girls". Hye-jin didn't need me no more. She was becoming part of Joo-hyun's bee hive. There was no room for