Author's Note! Thank you for all those amusing comments you left last chapter XD i'll be sure to add them to my to-do list with the confrontation :) so prepare yourselves for a Violent chapter. ;) you all asked for it uwu

Love those reactions and I'm excited how you will react on the ending scene for this chapter :') it hit me right in the feels and i'll hope it'll make you cry too XD

I’m not okay. I felt alone even with the company of people I love.

I’m not okay. I broke my promise to keep the band safe.

I’m not okay. The person I trusted the most have hurt me.

I’m not okay. All I want is for the pain to stop.

I’m not okay—

Help me.

But Seungri’s lips remained sealed, the words dying on his throat. He couldn’t afford to speak them, couldn’t afford to hear the truth in his head being voiced into reality. Because if it’s in his mind, if they were merely thoughts flying in his head—then that means they can stay as that? Won’t it? It means that there’s still a possibility that they aren’t real—and that he’s okay and that he’ll get better—

“It’ll be alright. You’ll see. You and me. We’ll be alright—”

“Jacob!” Seungri choked out his lover’s name. The guilt doubled in his gut, almost suffocating him.

How selfish could he be? How could he easily forget about the man that had sacrificed everything for him? What right does he have to feel saddened and pathetic in his brothers’ arms when he had left his lover inside the house? Jacob must’ve been panicking, he must’ve been searching for him—how could Seungri just leave his company like that? How could Sengri just leave Jacob’s side without actually asking if he could?

Seungri could feel his heart beating rapidly, as if it was a ticking bomb ready to explode, the world is closing in on him, and Daesung’s hand suddenly felt heavy on his arm. He unconsciously flinched and pushed the arm away—and then turned around, ready to rush pass the men before him, and come back into his lover’s arms—

Where he belongs

But there suddenly was Youngbae, standing in front of him, moving quicker than Seungri did. Daesung’s hand was replaced by Youngbae’s soft ones, pushing Seungri back through his either of the youngest’s shoulder blades. “How—Seungri-sshi, what—where are you going?” he asked, though his eyes were hardened, as if he already knows the answer and doesn’t like it.

Seungri felt his mouth slimmed shut, he shuddered with the anger that he saw in Youngbae’s eyes, and foolishly associated it with him. This is it. This is the hatred that he was expecting of the other man.

And the bigger part of him then craved his lover’s arm, like a man who was stuck in a tower with only the devil as company, he seeks the fire that burned him and associated safety from the ashes of his burnt flesh.

“I need—” the words felt sinful in his mouth, “I need to go to him,” despite the growing worry in his gut for his lover, Seungri still feels as if he’s deceiving himself and his friend—doubt running in his mind, does he really want to? Does he really need to?

“Who is he?” Youngbae asked, his voice soft yet there was an edge in it, as if he was doubling his effort to project the serene façade he was sporting, as if he was having a hard time being the ‘peaceful’ and ‘pacifist’ friend that he was.

Though he and Daesung knew that they were merely stalling. They wished that Seungri, with his clever mind, wouldn’t be able to catch that.

Though, they’ve never seen Seungri this panic, never seen the maknae with this raw emotion being displayed for them to see. The youngest was always private with his emotions, preferring to slip merely less than 10% of what he’s truly feeling inside and instead exaggerating what he thinks the others were expecting of him to react.

This—this side of Seungri was uncomfortable. Even for them who had been with the maknae the most.

The question rattled Seungri. He halted where he stood, and his mind felt like its reconfiguring itself inside. The question bothered him more than he could understand. Why? Why does he suddenly find it hard to answer such a simple question?

Who was Jacob to him? Isn’t that something that he should be able to answer even in his sleep?

Who was Jacob to him? Who was the man inside the house whom he had spent the good three months of his life with? Who was the man whom Seungri had confined first when the scandal had broke out? Who was the man who offered to take Seungri away from the horrors of the consequences of the scandal? Who was the one who saved Seungri away from being burnt at the stake—only to prepare a fire of his own? Who was the man who whispered the words ‘I love you’ as Seungri lay broken and bleeding on his feet?

Who was Jacob to him?

His savior.

His jailor.

“My lover,” the words were spoken without a thought, Seungri’s eyes were wide, as if he himself didn’t expect to hear his own voice say those words. He looked just as surprised as Youngbae and Daesung beside him.

“You—you never told us,” Daesung said, feeling betrayed. In all those two years that he and the others have endured in the military service, in those times that Seungri was on the other line of the phone telling stories of his time as the lone celebrity of the man, the maknae had never told them of this.

Seungri had hidden this part of his life from them. From the brothers that never hide anything from him.

Why?

Why?

Does he not trust them enough? Is that it? Does their brotherhood mean nothing for Seungri? How could something this big be hidden from them? Does Seungri’s family even know? Does Yang know? Or are they the only ones who don’t? Are they the only ones not been told?

Seungri couldn’t lift up his head and look at his brothers—he couldn’t stand the look of hurt and betrayal that he saw earlier. A part of him wanted to apologize, to explain to the others that he didn’t mean to keep the information a secret from them—that it wasn’t precisely, solely his choice.

But wouldn’t that sound ridiculous? Pathetic even? How would he even say that?

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Jacob convinced me that you would rather not know, that you wouldn’t care enough to want to know.

Oh yes, Seungri, that’s nice—blame everything that’s wrong in your life to Jacob.

So Seungri tightly shut his mouth and politely shook his head. He could feel Youngbae and Daesung’s eyes boring into him, as if begging for him to actually tell them something, anything. But he doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t know how to.

Suddenly, he felt a soft hand caressing his jaw. It was then that he felt the hand tug his head upwards, slowly as if Seungri was made with glass. “Is he—” Youngbae’s voice cracked at the end, his breathing hitched, as if he was uncomfortable with the whole situation. Yet, ever the strong-willed man, he persevered and finished asking the question he feared hearing the answer from, “Is he the one that did this?”

Seungri saw Youngbae’s gaze pointedly made its way to his right side and knew that the other is referring to the bruise hurting his face. Youngbae’s jaw was clenched, as if he’s forcefully swallowing down the emotions trying to resurface. There was anger in his eyes, yet for once Seungri started doubting if the hatred was ever for him.

Silence surrounded the three, so much so that Seungri could hear