You are so worthy of everything
I have to give
But I burn with feeble offerings
Nothing to sustain
Fan against the flame
Oh what I've made

So take all of me
Please take all of me

-Unworthy, Vancouver Sleep Clinic

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  I’ve always been a hard worker. It was like a habit, something I couldn’t get rid of. Sometimes, it takes a person you love to pull you back and remind you that there is more to life than getting what you want for yourself.   Love is a battle and on days we think we have to move forward; we may have to backtrack instead.   ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________     You would have thought that being in a relationship with Jung Jaehyun and everything would be all happy and filled with butterflies. But it was harder than I thought. It has been a year; we have graduated and I was trying to work as an intern.   I was tired and I was trying to balance everything. The sad thing was that Jaehyun was there but I couldn’t focus on him. I was now finished with a meeting, my phone ringing off the hook when I looked down to see that I had ten messages from Jaehyun.   “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good job on the analysis report,” my reporting manager said and I nodded.   Jaehyun: In the parking lot Jaehyun: Did you forget that we were supposed to go for dinner?   His tone wasn’t very forgiving and I breathed a sigh, a hand going to my forehead. I knew that I would have to face his wrath. I finally grabbed my bags and made my way downstairs to the parking lot, Jung Jaehyun’s car stopping right in front of me like he had been waiting.   “An hour.” was the first thing he said, “I waited for an hour.”   “I’m sorry.” I began, placing my stuff on my lap when I looked to the side to see Jaehyun’s jaw set very tightly. “Baby, you know I’m busy. You know the project—”   “I know,” he finally answered and I saw him relax, his hands finally turning the steering wheel. “I know, baby. I just… I hardly see you anymore. I don’t get to talk to you, I see you for five minutes a day and that’s that.”   “That’s not true. I come by the apartment every weekend.”   “Yeah?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “When was the last time?”   I couldn’t answer that, heaving a sigh and leaning backwards. My eyes fluttered shut.   “Jaehyun, I want you to understand.” I began when my stomach turned with nervousness. Just a moment ago in the meeting, they wanted me to move to a different branch. It would be in the outskirts of Seoul and I would be appointed as assistant of the project manager. It would be good for me to start but I wouldn’t be in Seoul.   “I am trying,” he finally answered and I looked down on my trembling hands. “What next, New York? Are you going to move away now? Tell me that you have a future to look out for?”   .   “I…” I paused, chewing on the bottom of my lip. “They asked me to move to Busan.”   “You’ve got to ing kidding me.” Jaehyun hissed out in frustration. I didn’t even have to look at him to know that he was fuming. “You’ve got to be ing kidding me.”   “I’m not.”
  “!” he cursed, a hand going to punch the steering wheel. Jaehyun had his moments of anger where he resorted to violence but I knew that it was because he had no idea how to handle the coursing emotions through his veins. “What does this mean for us?”   “Jaehyun, long distance is not that hard—”   “Not that hard?” he repeated my words. The car was parked in the parking lot and the lights began to dim as the building shut down. “The last time you went to New York, we broke up and it’s not that hard? Are you not scared of what is going to happen to us? Am I the only one worried about this?”   “Jae—”   “No.” His voice was set and he leaned back, fuming. “This is not right. It’s not supposed to be this hard. Why is it so hard?”   I was busy, I knew that. Throughout the past year, the first two to three months were of us fighting because Jaehyun was a bit too possessive. Once we got over that, we began to fight about how I always forgot important dates. But I had too much in my mind, sometimes it slipped.   It slipped so often.   “Are you going?” His voice was soft now.   “I said I’ll think about it.”   “Are you going to think about it?” he pressed, the car finally surging forward. He brought the car down the streets of Seoul almost recklessly. His anger could be seen in his driving. “Are you going to this about us while you make the decision or are you going to act like you don’t have a boyfriend and just move away?”   “Jaehyun, why is this on me?” My voice began to rise. “I’m just doing what’s best for me. I’m trying, okay? It’s just getting harder and harder to love you—”   With my words, his feet had slammed down on the brakes and I gasped, my body surging forward from the inertia.   “It’s getting harder and harder to love me?” he asked and I let out a breath. I had ed up this time. “Really? I’m trying my best to keep us together and you tell me that it’s getting harder and harder to love me? Have you ever thought about what would happen if I let go?”   “Maybe I want you to.” I found myself saying, Jaehyun looking at me in disbelief. He didn’t say anything, finally just driving me back home when he finally parked the car. I knew that he was deep in thought. I saw how his hands gripped the steering wheel that he was trying to understand my words.   “Maybe we need a break.” I began but he interrupted me.   “No,” he said, closing his eyes. “No, baby. I fought too hard for you. I’m going to make this work.”   “I’ll bear the hardship,” he breathed, his knuckles turning white. “I promised you I would.”   When we got together, I had told him what I wanted out of life. I had warned him that I wasn’t the best in relationships and looking backward, I could tell that he had enough passion for the both of us to glue us together.   “We’re not breaking up. We’re not going on a break. I’ll love you enough for the both of us,” he whispered and like a mantra, he turned to me to cup my cheek and pressed his lips against mine. “I love you too much to let go.”   My eyes fluttered shut from his words, Jaehyun leaning his forehead against mine.   I thought that would be the last of it, but it all just went downhill from there. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Three months had passed and I was still working my through countless nights of presentations, reports. I hardly got any sleep and I hardly talked to Jaehyun about it. Slowly and surely, we began to grow distant. Not like I didn’t expect it but instead of finding comfort in him, I recoiled and ended shutting myself up like a shell.   Jaehyun felt that, I could tell.   He asked me less, he demanded less from me and I knew he thought that if he finally stopped asking for things, maybe I’d seek him out.   But I didn’t.   It had been three weeks since I’ve seen him and I got a normal good morning text. I was drying my hair and brushing my teeth before I put on my clothes for work.   Jaehyun: Same restaurant last year?   I glanced at it finally replying a simple “Sure.” and heading to work.   Now, work… Work was a show. Being a woman in a corporate field with men who looked down on female was hard enough. Trying to balance between not trying to kiss their and getting my work done was harder.   Today was the worse because I ended up getting yelled at for something that wasn’t my fault. I had a break down in the bathroom, telling myself that these things were needed in order for me gain the proper attitude to move forward.   I had my hand over my mouth, trying to muffle my sobs and finally regaining control of my emotions when my finger hovered over Jaehyun’s number. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to tell him what was happening but I knew what his reaction would be so I decided against it.   When I left the bathroom, it was another war between me and my job. “I’ll stay and finish it, sir.” I found myself saying. It was easy but it was a lot. I had my sleeves shoved up and I finally went through three pages. My phone was ringing and I felt annoyed at the vibration, my eyes falling onto the screen when I gasped.   Jaehyun: Baby. Jaehyun: I’m sorry.   My eyes ran over the text.   Jaehyun: I don’t think I can do this anymore.   I don’t know if I was thinking straight, totally discarding what I was supposed to do and grabbing my bag. I had forgotten all about our dinner and when I was on the cab, I had checked the date just to realize that it was our anniversary.   When I reached the restaurant, I saw that there were no people. He must have booked the area and I pushed past the door to see that our usual table was lit with candles and there was a bottle of wine on the table.   Jaehyun was nowhere to be found.   But when I reached the table, I saw a letter and as I brought it up to read it, I realized that it was all Jaehyun had ever felt written in his handwriting.   ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Happy Anniversary, baby.   I know that we have been going through some tough times and I know that things are only going to get harder from here. I understand that we both have things to do, people to meet and plans to make for our respective futures but I want you to know that I would throw that all away for you.   I don’t know about you, though. There are times when I look at you and wonder if you even want to be with me. You know how I am, I’m not the most insecure man out there, but I guess you have a way of making me feel that way. I’m sorry for opening up like this, but you will never know if I don’t.   It’s been a year since I’ve fought for you and until now, I’m still fighting.   Baby, love shouldn’t be this tiring. I’m exhausted. Every day I wake up, I’m left with the thought that maybe we’re better off not together. I don’t want to give up because I love you but there are moments when love is not enough.   It seems like this is one of those times. It’s been a year, baby. Do you even remember?   It’s been a year since I've fought for you.   It’s your turn now.   ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   It hurt to know that I was in the wrong.   But it hurt even more to know that he had completely given up on us because of my own doing. What Jaehyun did not know was that I was done with trying to prove myself to people who didn’t care about me. I didn’t want to be a corporate slave that bad.   It’s been a year since I've fought for you.   It’s your turn now.   I had to look up to stop the tears from falling. I had ed up big time and I didn’t know how to make it up to him, my fingers going to fold the letter slowly before I placed it on the table. The candles were still lit and the restaurant was beginning to close down but I refused to move. I had a pounding headache, my hands pressed against my eyes to figure out what was going on.   What was I supposed to do?   I wanted to walk away from everything I had planned and just go straight to Jaehyun. Was I ready to? Was I emotionally ready for the circumstances that would come with it? I stood up, grabbing my phone and calling his phone number. The line went dead and each passing moment, I was plunged deeper into a hole of anxiety.   It was raining and I felt lost, sitting in an empty restaurant all alone before I broke down. I erupted into sobs, telling myself that this is what I had deserved with how I had taken him for granted. I closed my eyes, my newly applied mascara running down my cheeks before I told myself that maybe it was time to step back.   I stood up, my knees wobbling weakly, my eyes going to the front of the entrance of the restaurant just to see the one person I wanted to see with an umbrella.   A ring sounded from the top of the door and Jaehyun stood there, lowering the umbrella onto the ground. He took in my flustered state, his face grim. He was still in his suit, the top two buttons of his shirt ed. His hair was styled up and it was like seeing him like this reminded me that he was human-- that he did try his hardest to keep me.   All this time, I was treating him like he was a part of me when he felt so distant.   “Jae.” My voice cracked and he sighed, his eyes going to the letter on the table.   “I couldn’t leave you in the rain.” His words were simple but it m