Jiyoung was walking on eggshells. Every time she turned around, she was sure she would be confronted by another past crush. The muscles in her neck were aching from constantly looking over her shoulder. The corner of her eye was haunted by cute boys ready to confront her on her deepest thoughts. For a whole day, she was able to avoid any of them. It was a nice Thursday. Then Friday came. 

If Jiyoung was to list the boys in an order of most to least wanting to evade, Junmyeon would be at the very top. Hence, she avoided the math building. Easy enough, she thought, since she only had one class there about twice a week. She made sure to get to Thursday’s class with only a minute or two to spare so she would have the excuse that she needed to hurry, then she hightailed it out of there to her next class. But her focus had been a little too honed in. While she was taking extra precautions to avoid her former tutor, she'd forgotten to make good escape plans for the others. 

“Hey, Jiyoung.”

Jiyoung squeezed her eyes tight as she heard the seat across from her at the library table scrape across the thin, frayed carpet. 

“I guess you know why I’m here then,” Jongdae said empathetically. 

Slowly, Jiyoung opened her eyes. Jongdae’s hands were folded on the table’s surface and the slightest crooked smile sat in the corner of his mouth. His hair was wet, either from a recent swim or a shower. The black strands were curled against his forehead. Smiling, he ran a hand through his hair, tiny little droplets splattering against the blonde wooden table top. 

“I’m really sorry,” Jiyoung mumbled, unable to hold eye contact for long. 

Jongdae laughed. But it wasn’t an “at-her” kind of laugh. That was nice, at least. “I don’t know why you would be sorry. It was flattering. It’s nice to be looked at as a hero, even though I didn’t really do anything.”

“High school brain tends to over exaggerate things.”

“I get that. I actually just wanted to say thank you and that it was sweet.”

“You weren’t supposed to see that.” The go-to response these days. Like when the doctor hits your knee with that weird rubber triangle, it was a reflex. “I left a pile of private letters out and my mom mailed them on accident. It’s like having your diary read into a microphone in front of an audience.”

Jongdae nodded. “I had a feeling. After the first few sentences, I figured I shouldn’t have gotten it, but I couldn’t stop reading. It’s been a while since someone confessed to me. Few years, actually.”

Jiyoung's jaw dropped. “What? No. I can’t believe that.”

“It’s true, unfortunately.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll get another confession in the future.”

“Hopefully.” He looked around aimlessly before coming back to Jiyoung. “Well, I’ll see you around. It was good to see you. Again.”

“You, too.”

Jiyoung breathed deeply as soon as he was gone. Okay. That one went well. Three out of four were good odds. Jiyoung was hoping to get out of this with at least a “B”. If Yixing ever wrote back she could simply… not open the letter. And if she avoided the others, she’d be in the clear. Yeah, this wasn’t so bad. She was still alive, at least, and with her true identity intact. 

Jiyoung felt a little lighter as she went home. Funny how it could feel like the world was falling apart but the sun still shined and the breeze still blew. As she dropped her bag on the bed, she got a text. 

Get online. 

Oh crap. She’d forgotten about Sehun. He knew Jiyoung didn’t like talking on the phone, but she could talk to him over the headset. Don’t ask what the difference was, not even Jiyoung's irrational mind could come up with a reason. Sitting down in the chair, Jiyoung the console and connected to the internet. 

“There you are.”

“I’m not in the mood to play today.”

“That’s fine. You don’t have to play.” Sehun killed Jiyoung's character as it stood around aimlessly as if to make a point.

Jiyoung rolled her eyes even though he couldn’t see it. “You are such a jerk.”

“That’s not what you said in the letter.” 

“And there it is!” Jiyoung couldn’t hold back the whimper echoing through the headset microphone. “I should have never done that. Writing love letters like I’m an Edwardian heroine… Because I’m not, obviously. But I don’t even know what I am instead.” 

“Sad, lonely, pathetic?” There was a pause. “Yes, I said that out loud.” 

Jiyoung sat there, completely abashed. “Okay, I take back everything I said in that letter. You are such a jerk. I must have been hallucinating back then.”  

“Don’t get so touchy,” Sehun said. “I thought about it once, too. That’s why I’d let you win every once in a while.” 

“Really?” Well, that was a first. None of the others had mentioned possibly liking her back. 

“Yeah, but then I thought about it some more. I like being your friend and didn’t want to experiment with that.” 

And then she deflated like a bouncy castle. “I don’t know whether to feel flattered or insulted.” 

“How about neither and I just send you the letter back?” 

Okay. A compromise that could be lived with. And having that letter back would give her a small peace of mind. “I think I like that better.” The doorbell rang like a savior. “I got to go. But thanks for not making this a big deal.”

“Not a problem.”

Logging off, Jiyoung headed downstairs. Her mother, who she hadn’t realized was home, answered the door. Jiyoung stayed on the staircase, out of sight but within earshot. 

“Um, hi. Is Jiyoung home?”

Her eyes widened and she nearly choked on the air in your throat. Chanyeol?

“I think so. Jiyoung!”

Nope, nope, nope. She ran. Quietly. Like a mouse scurrying away before it could be seen by the resident cat. She went through the kitchen to the sliding glass door, opening it slowly so it didn’t make too much noise. Once through, she closed it behind her, barely hearing her mother call out again. 

“Funny. I thought I heard her come home.”

Now what?

Jiyoung's brain looked to the fence that separated her yard from the neighbor’s. That was the option. Keeping an eye on the back door, Jiyoung climbed over the wooden fence, dropping down on the grass. She sat there figuring five minutes or so would be enough time for Chanyeol to leave. Eyes closed, she leaned her head back against the wooden barrier and took a deep breath. Apparently, she wasn’t as brave as she thought she was. Even with the easy confrontations, she still ran like a coward the first chance she got. 

“What are you doing?”

Jiyoung's eyes snapped open. Crap. She’d momentarily forgotten who her neighbor was. “Sorry!”

Kyungsoo huffed from the porch. He leaned on the railing, forearms exposed from his rolled up sleeves. He was frowning at her again, but this time it didn’t seem to be from a place of annoyance as much as confusion. “You say that a lot.”

“I know,” Jiyoung agreed with a nod. “I’m sorry.” She flinched. Nice one. 

A few seconds went by before he came down the porch steps. He crouched down in front of her. “If this is about the letter….”

“It’s not! Well, not about your letter.”

“You sent out more than one?” Dying of humiliation, Jiyoung nodded. Kyungsoo smirked. “Well, that makes me feel a little better.”

It made him feel better? Like the letter had made him… upset? He didn’t seem to be worried about Jiyoung at all when he gave it back.

“I’m just waiting for him to leave,” Jiyoung explained. “I’ll get out of your hair soon.”

The expected response was that he would simply shrug and leave her alone. But instead he sat down across from her, knees up with his elbows resting on them. It was odd. Even before he and Yeonhee broke up, he didn’t have one on one conversations with Jiyoung like this. “Why did you write the letter?”

Jiyoung blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Why did you bother writing it if I was dating Yeonhee?”

“I….” Wasn't that food for thought? Jiyoung threw her hands up as if she could suddenly catch the answer. “It’s how I work out my feelings. When I found out the two of you were dating, I was… confused, scrambled. Some people journal to figure things out, I… write a letter. A letter that was never meant to go out in the first place. All it was supposed to do was help me work through my thoughts, help me understand my feelings when they’re too strong for me to grasp.”

“If you felt that way about me, why didn’t you say anything before Yeonhee?”

“I think it goes without saying that I’m not good at verbally expressing my feelings,” she stated flatly. “Besides, I thought I had time. You know, to figure out what it was I was actually feeling. I didn’t realize why I enjoyed seeing you until it was too late. I never suspected that the two of you liked each other.”

“Really?”

“I’m kind of oblivious to things like that.”

A short laugh. “That’s true.”

In the distance, Jiyoung heard a car door shut and then an engine roar to life before fading away. Part of her didn’t want to leave, but being here, alone with Kyungsoo and talking to him like this, was dangerous. “I think the coast is clear.” She stood up and Kyungsoo followed through. “Thanks for, um, letting me hide out here.”

“Sure.”

Jiyoung turned to the fence, examining how she might be able to get back over.

“Jiyoung?”

“Yeah?”

“You could just go this way.” Kyungsoo opened the gate that led to the front yard.

“Right. Probably the better idea.” Once out of the backyard, Jiyoung looked at Kyungsoo. Her heart was beating hard in her chest. “Have a goodnight.”

“You too.”

Going back inside through the front door, Jiyoung didn’t bother to be quiet or sneaky. Her mother was sitting at the table, papers spread out all over the surface in an order that only she could understand. 

“Hi, sweetie!” she greeted. “A classmate stopped by for you. Chanyeol, I think?”

“Oh, okay. I’ll give him a call.” An absolute lie, but… whatever. Jiyoung headed up the stairs and grabbed her special bag. She needed to get away for a few hours.

**

The ice rink was her mindful place. Well, her second mindful place, that is. The first was the library. Whenever she needed to not think for a while, Jiyoung went there to find a new book to lose heurself in. Whenever she did need to work through her less extreme thoughts, she came here, to the rink. The cold made her hyper aware of her surrenders and of herself. Her feet did all the work while her mind was free to problem solve. Given the time of day, there weren’t too many people here. Good. That meant the ice wouldn’t be too crowded. Only a few divots and scratches decorated the white surface. After zipping up her jacket, Jiyoung moved on to lacing up her boots. 

“I wouldn’t really have suspected you to come to a place like this.”

Jiyoung's head snapped up. 

Leaning up against the railing that separated the bleachers from the walkway around the rink, Kim Minseok smiled up at her.

Captain of the soccer team, he was a bit of a hero around the university. A handful of last-minute wins were taken because of him. How many championships had he led the team to? It couldn’t necessarily be said that people at school fawned over him as he walked the halls. It was too large a campus for that. Not to mention, he wasn’t extremely tall and there were certainly others that could be considered more handsome. There were, however, several large posters around the stadium and halls that featured the team, Minseok front and center. An image that didn’t fit what Jiyoung saw. He mostly wore clothes that said he could have just left the gym or be on his way there. His laid back attitude on his elevated status was part of what led him to being letter number seven. 

The thing about that letter was the fact that there was no one incident that led to Jiyoung's need to write it. He was always simply… nice to her. He knew her name from a shared history class their first year of college. In passing, if he saw her, he’d wave before going back to whatever conversation he’d been having before. Jiyoung wasn’t quite invisible to him, but she certainly rotated on the very outskirts of his vision. 

“Why do you say that?” Jiyoung asked as she tightened her laces and straightened up. 

He shrugged, hands still hanging lazily over the rail. “You never seemed like the athletic type.”

“I didn’t realize that people had to look a certain type to ice skate.”

“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it.” Climbing over the rail with a smoothness that was inhuman, he ran up the steps and took a seat next to her. Jiyoung stared at him with confusion. Minseok scoffed. “Don’t be like that. We both know why I’m here.”

“How did you even know I was here?”

“Your mom told me.”

Traitor. “I’m getting real sick and tired of being confronted by this. I never should have left those stupid letters out.” She never should have written them in the first place. She wished she could go back to her younger self and warn her. Hopefully, she would take the advice. 

“I’m not surprised that I’m not the only one who came to talk to you. Although, I’ll admit, when your mom mentioned the fact that I was the second guy to show up at your house today, my ego took a little hit.”

Jiyoung gave him an unimpressed side-eye. “I think you’ll survive.”

“So, which one do you actually like?” he asked suddenly. 

Jiyoung stared at him. “What?” 

“Jongdae explained everything to me. He said you mentioned a pile of letters so I figured it was more than just me and him.”

“Jongdae told you everything?” Why would he do that?

“Yeah. He’s my best friend so we don’t really keep secrets. Although, I didn’t tell him that I was a little jealous that he got a letter for pulling you out of a pool. Much more romantic than mine was.”

Groaning in frustration, Jiyoung dropped her face into her hands in a pathetic attempt to hide. It was either that or wack this boy who was showing a new side of himself to Jiyoung with the rubber cover of her skate. She figured the latter option would be a bad example for the small kids running around. 

Minseok patted her back. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t be so embarrassed. I am still curious, though. Of all the people you sent letters out to, who do you actually like?” 

“No one.” Jiyoung wasn’t going to spill her guts to Kim Minseok. She had Baekhyun for that. Soccer star had no business knowing her heartache over her neighbor. 

“No one? Interesting.” 

Jiyoung lifted her head to look at him with narrowed eyes. “What do you mean interesting?”

“Well, that was kind of the answer I was hoping for. Sort of.”

This was not how Jiyoung pictured this conversation going. She figured it would be like the rest. A simple “thank you but no thank you” had been the typical response. None of the others cared if she'd liked the other recipients. “Why is that?” 

“I have a proposal.”

“Oh-kay….”

Minseok turned towards Jiyoung. “Hear me out. So, I was seeing this girl, Libby. But we broke up. Well, I broke up with her.. And now she’s seeing someone else.”

“So, you suddenly want her again?” Typical. Why did couples always try to make the other one jealous? It sounded like a teen drama Jiyoung wanted to steer clear from. 

“No. The opposite. She’s only dating this guy to try and make me jealous. She’s always flaunting him in front of me, as if that would actually work.”

Okay…. Now she was even more confused. “I don’t see how I come into play.”

Minseok cringed. “Don’t freak out, okay?”

Oh, no. “I make no promises.”

“She knows that you had a crush on me.”

“WHAT!” Oh, she was dead. So dead. Cause: humiliation. Perhaps she could walk around the campus with a disguise on? Surely the security guards wouldn’t mind. There was always the witness protection option. Now it seemed even more appropriate. “She knows about the letters?”

“No, not about the letters,” he reassured with a hand on her thigh. Jiyoung quickly shoved it away. “Sorry. No, she just overheard Jongdae and I talking about the liking me part. Still made her mad because she thought I might like you back. So I started thinking, if she thinks that I’ve moved on, eventually she’ll leave me alone.” He looked at Jiyoung like all of that should have made sense.

“I still don’t get it.”

He sighed. “I’m asking you to be my fake girlfriend.”

The snort could not be contained. “What are we? In high school? Tell her to back off! Or avoid her. You don’t have to make up a relationship to be a grownup about this.”

“I have. It hasn’t worked. Please? It would only be for a short time.”

Jiyoung mulled the offer over in her head. It didn’t sound too bad. On paper, that is. Putting on a show that she was someone’s girlfriend shouldn’t be hard. And, maybe it would help her forget about her troubles. But… she didn’t want her first relationship to be fake. 

“No,” Jiyoung answered. “I’m not interested. Sorry.”

That was not the answer he was expecting. “Come on. If word gets out that we’re dating, then the other guys you wrote letters to might back off.”

“I’ve already talked to most of them,” Jiyoung said. “It’s not that big of a deal.” Lie. But he didn’t need to know that. “Good luck with your ex.” 

Jiyoung went to stand on her skates, reaching out in front to hold on to the railing. Her mind, however, was in a hundred different places, which set her balance off. She wobbled and nearly fell back onto the bench. Minseok caught her before that could happen, saving her a world of hurt. He chuckled as he helped Jiyoung regain her balance. 

“If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” He sent a wink and left Jiyoung leaning against the railing. Jiyoung scoffed to herself as she watched Minseok walk towards the exit. 

Staying where she was, she tried to wrap her head around Minseok’s proposal. How he could have even come to that kind of solution to his own problem was beyond her. What sense did that make? Jiyoung shook her head and carefully stepped onto the floor. She needed this time now more than ever. Men were so confusing.