The second letter Jiyoung ever wrote was perhaps the most embarrassing of them all.

During the summer of her thirteenth year, Baekhyun had gone away to a summer camp that had lasted for over a month. Bored to tears due to the missing antics, she spent more time with her other friend, Yeonhee, though - as much as you loved her - her presence didn’t have the same level of comfort as Baekhyun’s did. Jiyoung wasn’t sure what the reason was, but there always seemed to be this invisible barrier between her and Yeonhee. They couldn’t get quite as close. There was so much relief the day that Baekhyun came back. But something else was there, too. Something that had been growing throughout the absence.

At first, Jiyoung thought her heart was beating fast because she ran to the park where Baekhyun told her to meet him. Jiyoung was excited - elated - to have her best friend back. When she saw him lying on the teeter-totter, she stopped. His skin was sun-kissed, hair a bit longer and tousled. Jiyoung had never realized how… handsome he was before. Her face was smiling before she knew it.

She liked him. That had to explain why she missed him so much, right? As soon as Baekhyun saw that Jiyoung had arrived, he lit up, jumping off the playground equipment and running towards her. He pulled her into a quick hug then stepped back, ruffling her hair.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“Come on.” He grabbed her hand and started pulling her away from the teeter-tatter. “Let’s go down to the creek!”

Jiyoung followed him without hesitation, loving the feeling of his hand in hers. Later that night, she tossed and turned, unable to sleep because of this new information. At thirteen, she was a bit smarter than she was at ten, so she decided to put some feelers out. She would see if there was any chance that he felt the same way. The two of them were close, after all. The chance had to be there, didn’t it?

The answer was no. And she received that answer almost immediately. The next day Baekhyun went on and on about this girl he had met at camp. He talked about how funny she was and cute and playful. And beautiful. He wouldn’t stop talking about how pretty he found her. She was at a summer camp, for Pete’s sake, but somehow still managed to be soft and delicate and everything Baekhyun liked in girls. It felt like an uppercut punch to the jaw. Jiyoung could be soft and delicate. She wore skirts and boots and cardigans. Her room was pastel colors! What was the difference between her and this girl he rambled on about?

Flashing back to Jongin and how much better she felt after writing him the letter, Jiyoung sat down at the table while her parents were away at work and tried to see if it had the same effect.

Byun Baekhyun,

How are you? I guess that’s an awkward thing to ask given how I always know how you are. You always tell me, whether you’re happy or sad or simply indifferent. You tell me everything. And I’ve always loved that, the fact that we could tell each other whatever we’re thinking. But lately, you’ve been telling me too much and I’ve been keeping quiet. You tell me so much about this girl you met at camp and how much you like her and what the two of you talked about on the phone last night and how you’ve made plans to meet up next week. You go on and on about her without seeing the hurt in my eyes. I stay silent because of that hurt. Because while you were away, I realized something. I realized that I like you. As more than just my best friend. I find myself wishing that you were talking about me that way. What does this girl have that I don’t, anyway? She sounds a lot like me. I even wondered at one point if you were secretly talking about me until you mentioned meeting up with her. You seem so happy, though. So, I wonder, should I say anything or should I just go on being just your friend? I guess I’ll make the decision at the end of this letter. If I send it out or if I keep it hidden in my drawer. Do I come out and say it or do I risk forever thinking “What if?” Only time will really tell. Either way, I hope you’re happy. That’s most important.

Love,

Jiyoung

In the end, she decided not to mail it. Though Jiyoung never met the girl from summer camp, Baekhyun ended up “dating” her for the fall semester of school - if it could be counted since they lived in different cities. He always went to see her, but she never made the same effort. That was why they broke up, according to Baekhyun. Though he never came to see Jiyoung in the same light as far as she were aware, she found that she was able to move on, to see him once again simply as her friend. Perhaps they were soulmates in the platonic way. Jiyoung was thankful to her past self for not mailing out that letter. Where would their friendship be if she had sent it? Would there even still be a friendship?

“Okay, I know you’re not a professional or anything, but you’re even worse today. What’s going on?”

Jiyoung blinked, coming out of her head just in time to watch her character crumple to the ground, dead. Great.

Jiyoung wasn’t the best at video games, but she found them fun and Sehun didn’t mind if she wasn’t as good as him. He definitely carried both of them in the team rounds.

“Nothing, I just have a lot on my mind.” Both the truth and a lie. She was mildly distracted at the moment. It was a small amount of connected things. Seeing Junmyeon with a girlfriend had conjured up some old insecurities. While she was fairly sure that she was over him, Jiyoung was now circling around her lack of love life - and lack of dating history. As in zero. Zip. A big old goose egg. Of course, when that happened, she tended to retreat into books and movies. Which rom-coms she was going to binge tonight was currently at the forefront of her mind, held up by everything else.

“So, obviously, it’s not nothing,” Sehun pointed out over the headset. Touché.

“Okay, it’s not nothing, but it’s not something you’d be interested in anyway.”

“Try me.”

Jiyoung paused. “I was thinking about how I’ve never had a boyfriend, so I was going to watch romantic comedies tonight.”

Silence.

Well, not total silence since the video game was still on in the background, but there was no response from her partner. “Sehun?”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m not that interested. But I also don’t see how watching movies about romance is a direct response to not having a boyfriend.”

Jiyoung sighed as her character re-spawned and she continued with the game, covering Sehun from any surprise attacks as they inched closer to enemy territory. “They make me feel better.”

He took a pause to kill an enemy soldier before replying, “I still don’t get it. How can watching fake couples get together make you feel better? If you want a boyfriend, why don’t you go out and get one? It’s not like there isn’t a whole campus full of single guys.”

Jiyoung scoffed. Yeah, right. Like it was that simple. There wasn’t a store or a catalogue that she could flip through and go “Oh, I’d like that one!” and have a boyfriend ready and raring to go. Although… someone should get on that revolutionary idea. It could be worth millions.

Part of her wanted to respond with “Fine, do you want to date me?” but she bit her tongue, knowing that she didn’t mean it. There had once been a time that she had thought about Sehun in that way. They rarely saw each other in person. For a good year and a half, the two of them had been simple online buddies until Jiyoung realized they lived in the same city. She’d invited Sehun along to outings with Baekhyun and Yeonhee, but they didn’t click very well, so it didn’t happen too often. After the first time she met Sehun, she thought he was cute. Que the letter.

Oh Sehun.

I know you try to hide it, but you’re actually very sweet. And I know that you let me win sometimes. And you help me every chance you get. I like you because of that. Also, I never thought you would be cute. Is that bad? Do you think you could like me back? We could be that gamer couple. Those who play together, stay together, right?

Love,

Jiyoung.

It was the cringiest of all the letters. Short, uninteresting, bland. After she wrote it, she realized quickly that those were the only reasons for the crush: his face and he was nice to her. Were her standards really that low? Sehun's letter always stayed at the bottom of the pile, hardly ever revisited. That was when Jiyoung realized it was hard to truly like someone you didn’t know all that well. She still considered him a friend and could confide in him, but he didn’t make her comfortable triangle a square.

“Hey, Jiyoung!” Baekhyun burst into your room with no warning. Jiyoung jumped, letting out a rare curse into the headset.

“Baekhyun, what are you doing here?” On Saturdays he was usually busy giving piano lessons.

“And on that note, I’m out.” Sehun clicked off without a real goodbye. Jiyoung shook her head. Boys.

Jiyoung turned off her console and swiveled around in her chair. Baekhyun was seated at the vanity which made Jiyoung nervous. He knew better than to go peeking through her things, but that hardly stopped him. And while he was aware of the letters’ existence, he was neither aware of his own nor where they were located.

“My pupil for the day canceled on me. They’re sick. I was bored so I came over. As per usual.” Looking over his shoulder at the mirror, he plucked off one of the pictures she had wedged into the frame. “Heard from your long-distance boyfriend lately?”

“Hardy, har-har.” Jiyoung snatched the picture from him and replaced it. “He’s not my boyfriend and you know it.”

Zhang Yixing was Jiyoung's pen pal from high school. After seeing a flyer on one of the bulletin boards in the hallway, she'd jumped at the chance to communicate with someone from another country without really thinking about it. The partners were all chosen at random and Jiyoung considered herself quite lucky. The person she exchanged letters with was sweet and funny and really read what she wrote to him, always replying to her words before going into his own story. While life got in the way and they weren’t able to exchange letters at the frequency you once had, she still received a surprise every so often.

And yes, before anyone asks, he was one of the nine. One look at his dimpled smile and charming eyes and anyone would be hooked. Jiyoung had giggled like crazy when she opened the letter junior year and his photo fell out. He’d wanted to show Jiyoung the countryside school he’d volunteered at and the kids he’d helped. As cute as those children were, he was all she could look at. So, naturally, there was one letter she never sent. It didn’t make sense to send it. He was in an entirely different country. So, she used his letter as camouflage, keeping it on top at all times to hide the others underneath.

“And no, by the way. I haven’t gotten a letter for a little bit.”

“Too busy volunteering?” Baekhyun quipped.

“You could take a page out of his book, you know.”

“I do give back! I give free lessons all the time!”

Okay… that was true. Baekhyun did have a soft heart for kids that wanted to learn to play the piano but whose parents couldn’t afford to pay for lessons. About twice a month on Sundays, he went to a local church and taught a class for anyone who wanted to join. It was actually kind of sweet. Jiyoung had gone a few times and he could be pretty adorable with the kids.

“Alright,” Jiyoung said. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” Baekhyun pursed his lips and tapped a finger against his chin. His eyes slowly made their way around the room. He would smile when his eyes landed on pictures or little souvenirs from their various adventures. Jiyoung's room was like a scrapbook for the world to view. She enjoyed being surrounded by memories, like reading a book based on her life. “I’m kind of hungry.”

“Okay,” Jiyoung laughed. “For what?”

Baekhyun turned away from her, mostly still listening, but obviously distracted by something. “Let’s go to a grill.”

That suggestion sent sparks off in her brain. Her stomach, which had been neutral up until now, was roaring for the sizzling meat and spicy side dishes. In fact, she’d been distracted at the thought of a Korean grill that she didn’t notice Baekhyun’s hand twitching on the forbidden drawer. Before her brain could process what he was doing, the drawer was open. Baekhyun pulled the entire stack of letters out.

“Wow, you actually do keep all of these!”

“What the hell are you doing!” Jiyoung pounced on him, tackling him down to the floor as you wrestled the envelopes from him. Once she finally pulled them free, she smacked his arm with the stack. “You jerk! You know those are private!”

He actually had the audacity to pout. “I just wanted to see!”

“They’re not for you to see!”

“Come on, Jiyoung,” Baekhyun sat up when Jiyoung moved off him. She kept the envelopes close to her chest in case he tried for them again. “I thought I was your best friend.”

“Don’t you dare try to guilt trip me,” Jiyoung snapped. “I have a right to my privacy. These aren’t meant for anyone else but me.”

“Fine.” He threw his hands up in defeat. “But you might want to find a better hiding spot. Let’s go eat.” He left the room, smiling to himself.

Grumbling to herself, Jiyoung placed the envelopes on the vanity. Later, sheu would find a better place to put them. For now, though, she draped a shirt over the stack so they were mostly covered.

She forgot about the letters for the most part by the time they made it to the restaurant. Baekhyun had his moments where he didn’t think things through or he acted purely on impulse, but she could forgive those happenings. At least, when he was paying for dinner. On the way to the grill, Jiyoung called Yeonhee to join.

“So, there’s this girl in my World Music three-oh-four class,” Baekhyun said right after shoving a stuffed sesame leaf into his mouth. “She’s really cute. And plays the cello. Her fingers are so nimble and small.”

“So, you going to ask her out?” Jiyoung teased.

Baekhyun took some time to chew his food before answering. “Yeah. Actually, I think I might.”

“Does she seem interested in you?” Yeonhee asked. She was always the more practical one out of the three of them. She saw things in black and white. She either chose door number one or door number two. It was a philosophy she used in every aspect of her life. That realism rounded the little triangle out. Baekhyun was the carefree, never-knew-what-he-was-going-to-do-next type, Jiyoung was the slightly anxiety-ridden, romantic daydreamer, and Yeonhee was the down-to-earth, rational one.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Okay. Then do it.” Yeonhee pulled her long, dark brown hair back into a scrunchy to keep it out of her face. To her, that was the end of it.

Baekhyun sent Jiyoung a look, but he shrugged. “Alright. I’ll see her on Monday, so I’ll ask her to coffee then.”

Jiyoung's phone vibrated against the table. Normally she would have ignored it, but given the lull in conversation, she checked to see the notification. It was a text from your mom.

I’m doing laundry. It looks like you have a full hamper. Do you want me to take some?

Jiyoung smiled. She loved getting out of laundry. Yeah! Thank you!

Okay! A second text came through. Do you want me to take this shirt on the vanity, too?

Shirt? What- Panic swept through. No! That’s okay! It’s clean.

Okay! Love you!

Love you, too!

Phew. That was close.

The rest of dinner was spent talking about classes and professors and new movies coming out. The three of them bounced from subject to subject, spending a good hour and half at the table slowly devouring the different meat courses. Multiple groups came and went while Jiyoung sat there and enjoyed this time with her two best friends. When it was time to go home, Yeonhee volunteered to take Jiyoung home since it was more on her way than Baekhyun’s. Once there, she parked in the driveway. Rounding the car, Jiyoung bent down to tell her goodnight. A second or two later, Kyungsoo pulled into his parents’ driveway. He got out of his own car, eyes down on his phone. Noticing them next door, he froze. There was an awkward tension as the exes made eye contact while Jiyoung stood there like an unneeded third wheel on a bike. Finally, Kyungsoo broke the contact and went inside.

“Have you talked to him lately?” Jiyoung asked.

Yeonhee shook her head. “Not at all. What’s the point? I ended it. Going back and opening the wound makes no sense.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable. I’ll, um, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah, see ya.”

Jiyoung straightened up and headed inside.

Yeonhee and Kyungsoo were a tragic story, at least in Jiyoung's eyes.

Kyungsoo was Jiyoung's next-door neighbor for her entire life though the two of them didn’t interact very often. He ran in different circles and seemed annoyed by Baekhyun most of the time - a pattern Jiyoung was not blind to. But Yeonhee always took the time to talk to him if Jiyoung happened to be in the front yard and crossed paths. Oblivious to what was going on while they conversed, Jiyoung stood by, studying her neighbor.

He was handsome and sweet when he wasn’t frowning. In fact, his smile was quite stunning. And he was smart and, though rare, cracked jokes that had her in stitches. Jiyoung found herself admiring him. Imagine her shock when she discovered that he was dating one of her best friends. Jiyoung were devastated. The strength of the feeling took her by surprise. But she’d managed to keep it together in front of both of them. Only when she was alone was she finally able to let it out. That night she’d locked herself in your room, tears flowing in an unending stream. At some point, she was sitting down at the vanity, pencil flying across the page without her having to think it through.

Do Kyungsoo,

What am I even feeling right now? How am I feeling like this? You were always just my neighbor, the boy next door. Occasionally kind, helpful. I never even suspected that you liked Yeonhee or that she liked you back. I was completely left out, blind to what was happening in front of me. Mostly because I couldn’t see past myself. You were nothing like how I’d thought in our younger years. You are so much more. Amazing feels like too simple a word but that’s all I can conjure up. I’ve been so in awe that I couldn’t completely understand what it was that I was feeling inside. But now… I feel like my heart has shattered. I had come to look forward to talking to you in between our yards. I never suspected you were coming out for Yeonhee. You chose her over me. I’m sure in your eyes, I was never even one of the selections. But why? Am I really that invisible?

You are a wonderful person. I’m not sure if there are enough adjectives in the world to describe how I see you. You’re like a portrait in the Louvre, unable for me to touch. You’re out of reach. And now that you’re with Yeonhee, you always will be. I know that you’ll treat her well. You’ll keep her hand warm with your own like I wish you could with mine. When she’s tired, she’ll rest her head on your shoulder. I hope you’re a comforting pillow. You seem like that kind of person. A comfort, a stronghold. I wish you could have been mine.

Love,

Jiyoung.

They dated for two years before Yeonhee inexplicably ended the relationship. Jiyoung knew Yeonhee would have a very logical, analyzed reasoning for why she abruptly broke it off, though she never told anyone. However, Jiyoung was surprised with how angry she was at Yeonhee. How could she do that to someone like Kyungsoo, who had never treated her badly even for a moment? Jiyoung's sympathy lied with him, but she had to show support for her friend. She wanted to move on, so Jiyoung pretended to understand. Yeonhee didn’t come around very often anymore in case of situations like tonight where she might accidentally run into or see him.

Up in her bedroom, Jiyoung took a deep breath. Because it still hurt after all this time. Jiyoung still longed to be the one he looked at, the one he wanted to see. Out of all her letters, his was the one that never worked. His was sealed up tight, but the feelings didn’t go away. They held on tight like a rock climber without a rope. Jiyoung could distract herself with other crushes, give in to fleeting feelings for others. And it would work for a little while. But in her weak moments, those feelings never failed to come back. Tonight was a reminder of that.