Numb.

Tzuyu can’t seem to feel anything, and she hates it. She hates herself for acting this way, running and hiding from everyone. She wanted to be alone, yet she felt lonely, empty. When she thought she could sort out her feelings, she ended up being suffocated with this overwhelming mess.

The hallway was already empty, and she should be returning back to her room after a tiring replacement class on a Sunday. But her feet unconsciously brought her to the hallway, stopping right beside the notice board. 

Tzuyu brought her hand to a poster, of the senior’s annual farewell party. It is compulsory for the final year students only, but Tzuyu had received a special invitation card from Jihyo, since she had volunteered herself many times in the student council’s events. 

However, it seems she wouldn’t be able to make it. She’s not wanted there, just like a particular blonde senior whose name was crossed out from the list. 

She feels awful, frustrated with herself. No matter which side she tried to solve things with, they seemed to backfire. Just like what happened with her secret plan, thinking it was the perfect way to get Momo and Mina to talk again, only for the rift between them to grow, all because of her. 

 

Tzuyu thought she was doing a good job mending Mina and Momo’s friendship, with the pretense of Mina’s favour to watch over the blonde unnie. She decided to be the messenger for Mina’s lunch again, sending meals every day to the vice president who seems to be keeping herself preoccupied as of late. She kept it a secret from Momo, of course, because the blonde chef knows nothing of her plan. 

Tzuyu makes an anonymous phone call to the restaurant every day, ordering Mina’s favourite dish on days Momo is assigned as the cook. She offered to make the deliveries, hoping it won’t raise suspicions between the two.

However, that day, she was met with Momo raising her voice at the vice president on the empty hallway of the academic building.

“It wasn’t me!” She heard the blonde say, her legs moving quickly towards them. “Not after I got a free slap on my face, if you remember.”

“Stop lying, Hirai! No one who would waste their time on me other than a fool like you.”

“Oh, so I’m a fool for being considerate of your well-being?”

Tzuyu stops by the corner as she peeks out to see Mina clenching her jaw, eyes averted to the floor. Momo lets out a scoff so loud, she sees Mina flinching from it. 

“Please, just stop. Stop wasting your time and energy to send me food every day. I’ve had enough, Hirai...”

Tzuyu’s eyes widened, knowing the confrontation was partly her fault. She saw Momo shake her head, followed by a disbelief snort. 

“You will never listen to my explanation huh, Mina?” 

Tzuyu was about to take a step forward, hoping a clarification from her side would alleviate the tension, but her feet were suddenly glued to the floor when the blonde raised her hands with a defeated smile.

“Fine. You hate me so much, right? I won’t be bothered about you anymore.” Momo backtracked, before slapping a poster on the board. “Cross out my name from the list, since my presence would only be a nuisance for you.”

Tzuyu watched in defeat as Momo walked away, but her heart dropped when she heard sniffles coming from the vice president. She quickly approaches Mina who falls on her knees, tears streaming down her face. 

“I’m sorry, Mina-unnie.”

She hugs Mina, whispering countless apologies to the sobbing senior, but the wound was already cut too deep for them. 

 

Tzuyu chuckles to herself, a self-reproaching one, from her own stupidity. She already said to herself not to get involved with their feud, only for her to make their relationship become worse than before.

Perhaps, there wasn’t a relationship anymore.

Maybe Momo was right, she already lost Mina that night. Why bother fighting if it’s already a losing battle? 

Just like her relationship with Sana, which also set a crack between her two best friends.

Her feet stop on a familiar brown floor mat with a huge bolded WELCOME engraved, and she looks up. Two wooden doors stand tall before her, a golden plaque board posted over the entrance with a ‘silence, no talking in the library’ written in small letters. She lets out a deep sigh, followed by a soft chuckle. 

She was a frequent visitor to the library since freshman year, but not anymore.

 

They were supposed to meet for a study group at the library, despite Dahyun skipping a semester due to her credits transfer. She’s a science protege, a hard-working one, and she never gets ahead of herself with her kind attitude. Just like today, where she offered to teach the two maknaes on a topic they were lacking on, despite having a quiz the next day.

Tzuyu was searching for their table when she heard hushed whispers between the rows of shelves. 

“What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” She heard familiar voices, belonging to her small friends. “I saw you that night, Dahyun!”

Tzuyu gets closer, carefully leaning back on a shelf as she eavesdrops on their conversation.

“We didn’t do anything, Chaeng. It was just an innocent kiss to the cheek.”

“Oh, tell that to Tzuyu.” She heard a soft gasp. “Yeah, she saw it too.” 

“I… I didn’t know.”

“Of course, you didn’t! Are you out of your mind? Why are you betraying her like that?”

“I’m not betraying anyone, Chaeng! It was a spur of the moment and there’s no meaning behind it!”

“Then explain why your face was so red and you became awkward with us that night.”

“That… I was - It’s not… Ugh!” 

“Just as I thought.” Chaeyoung deadpanned, followed by a deep sigh. “You said you are moving on from Sana-unnie.”

“I’m trying, okay? You know how hard it is! Like you are any better than me…”

Tzuyu’s eyebrow furrowed as she heard the change in Chaeyoung’s voice. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know how it feels to have a one-sided crush on your best friend! You should know better than attacking me like this. Damn it, why are you defending Tzuyu all the time?”

“Because she is our friend, Dahyun!”

“What about me? I’m your friend, too!”

There was silence, then a scoff. “I can’t deal with this right now. You know fairly well why you shouldn’t do this to Tzuyu, or even me.”

“Chaeyoung, wait!”

“I’m not talking to you until you get that fact burned in your damn brilliant mind, Dahyun!”

The latter grunts, hitting the books with her fist before marching away in another direction. Tzuyu stayed hidden in between dark shelves until Chaeyoung’s hard stomping fades away, before turning around to leave the library with a heavy heart, her shoulders slumped.

Their study session that day was abandoned without any words shared between the three best friends. 

 

She should be glad to be defended by Chaeyoung, but she only feels like the worst human being ever alive on this planet. It wasn’t her intention to make the two best friends fight and take sides. Heck, it wasn’t even her intention to fall in love with the same person Dahyun is crushing on.

If there’s one thing she wanted, was to live the remaining years of college peacefully, get her diploma, and fly back to her hometown in Taiwan. It wasn’t that complicated, until the appearance of the heart crusher, Minatozaki Sana.

It is exactly at this spot, the entrance of the college, the main gate of the campus, that she met Sana for the first time.

 

The sun was particularly sunny that day, but it didn’t help to reduce the cold seeping through her bones from the snowy season. This was the first winter for her in another country, and she didn’t expect for it to be this harsh. Wanting nothing more than to cuddle into her warm blanket in the comfort of her dorm room, Tzuyu strides forward towards the gate. 

However, before she could turn a corner, someone bumped into her. 

Blame Tzuyu for her long legs turned numb from the cold, because she had fallen on her bum, successfully pulling the other person on top of her.

“Kyah!!”

Her hands brace the impact, cushioning the girl with an embrace. She looked up, and her eyesight was blinded. It wasn’t from the blaring sun, but the yellow hair and round brown, caramel eyes staring back at her.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

The other person pulls away, and Tzuyu already misses the warmth. Instead, a hand hovers over her face, along with incessant, agitated words spouting out of the former’s mouth. Tzuyu didn’t respond, only grabbing the offered hand and help herself to stand on her still wobbling feet.

“I’m fine. Don’t fret about it.”

The worried expression morphed into a bright smile, and Tzuyu squinted her eyes from the blinding view.

“Thank god, I was worried I hurt you or something.”

Tzuyu swallowed, no words coming out of . Because she was mesmerized by the pair of bright, light brown, caramel eyes. Well, Tzuyu had never seen caramel eyes but the colour really made her think of caramel, if that makes sense.

“Sorry, I need to get going now for my class. But in case you feel like I owe you or something.”

She dumbly watches as the girl, probably a senior, takes out a notebook from her bag and scribbles something over it. She casually reaches for Tzuyu’s hand and places a piece of torn paper on her palm, closes her hand and pats her fist a few times. 

“Keep it safe. It’s a sacred treasure.” She winked, before turning around and jogging towards the lobby entrance.

Tzuyu stand in the middle of the gate like a dumb person, still wondering if its really caramel coloured eyes, only to remember the paper in her palm. There’s a line of numbers, with a name on it.

“Sana.”

She whispered the name, and warmth suddenly radiates from her chest to all over her body, the cold of the harsh winter already forgotten.

 

Tzuyu trembles as the wind blows, squeezing the jacket tighter around her. She did keep the paper, but never dared herself to save the contact in her phone. In fact, she wasn’t bothered to reach out to the senior, already preoccupied with a lot of preparation classes and language tutoring as a foreign first year student. A lot happened, and the incident passed by like a breeze. 

Except, she did wish to meet the person again, her eyes straying at the crowds of students, trying to find the owner of yellow hair and caramel eyes.

She still has the paper now, kept inside her worn out purse. You might think she’s sentimental, but Tzuyu actually forgot its presence, buried among the receipts she stored for months. Well, she never had the intention to throw it away when she found it, as a matter of fact.

In her subconscious state, her feet had brought her to the back alley of the restaurant she works at. A smile etched on her face, of the second time they met again. Tzuyu thought the senior wouldn’t remember her, already forgotten about her insignificant presence, when they stumbled upon each other by accident, this time without any casualty from both sides.

 

She didn’t know if it was the same person, but she had heard of her, seen her a few times (with different hair colour) hanging out with Dahyun, and also for being the infamous heartbreaker of the campus. Tzuyu never presents herself to the senior, feeling self-conscious of her boring and reserved personality as compared to the bubbly and cheerful social butterfly. 

Instead, she indulged herself with merely staring from afar, to satisfy the longing of seeing the bright caramel eyes her heart is yearning for. She still wonders if they’re really caramel, unfortunately.

That is, until that night at the restaurant.

Momo and her were the last to leave after their night shift, and to her surprise, a whining voice greeted them from the back alley. Tzuyu recognized her (she can never forget the mystery colour of brown caramel she’s still in debate with herself) despite the different hair colour (this time it’s black with purple ends). 

Then, that sudden warmth in her chest resurfaced again. 

She silently watches their interaction as she keeps herself busy with locking the backdoor and taking out the trash, smiling to herself with the way Momo grimaced, relenting to the girl who quickly clings to the blonde. Tzuyu decided to let them be and leave unnoticed, only to be stunned when her name was called by a gentle voice filled with brightness.

“Tzuyu, right? Are you going back home?”

She was stunned, surprised for the senior to know her name. But of course, Momo might have mentioned it.

“Yeah.” She gave a small nod, still a bit wary and shy with the well-known social butterfly, only for her hand to be grabbed and pulled casually by the latter.

“Great! Let’s walk together, the more the merrier!”

“Ugh, you just need a gullible someone to take your side.”

“That’s because you’re such a bully.” Sana stuck out her tongue to the grumbling blonde, before turning to Tzuyu with an expectant smile. “She’s a bully, right Tzuyu-ah?”

The younger gulped from Sana’s face being so close to her, absentmindedly giving a nod. “Uh, yes?”

“Ehhh?”

The walk back was filled with a lot of whine, groans, skinship and happy giggles. This was the second time they met, but this Sana is already acting chummy with her like they’re already bestfriends. 

She didn’t want to expect, misunderstood the senior’s affection as something else, but the full blown smile and gentle squeeze of her hand as they said goodbye brought a whole new sensation she hadn’t experienced for the past 19 years of growing up.

“See you again, Tzuyu! And please stop acting as if we’re strangers.” She gets closer, whispering to her ear. “I’m still waiting for your call, by the way.”

That night, Tzuyu was not able to sleep. It wasn’t because of fatigue, but the way her heart won’t stop pounding hard against her rib cage. Probably beating a name, because her brain decided to do the same, a certain ‘Sana’ with caramel brown eyes running through her mind all night.

 

She chuckled at the memories, feeling blessed and pleased with how things were in the past, how easy it was when she first felt and knew what love is. But love is a gift, and Tzuyu tried her best to keep this sacred feeling protected. This is the first time she ever fell in love, and for that lucky person to be Minatozaki Sana, was nothing she had ever expected.

They live in two different worlds, with different backgrounds, different ways of living, and even different cultures. They make it happen, because their hearts are already tied with the string of fate, living for the purpose of completing one another, rather than made to resemble each other. But the price to pay was enormous, and it includes differences in opinions and ways of thinking.

And to keep this feeling intact, is to fight for it. Sadly, Tzuyu was never a fighter to begin with.

Her feet grow heavier as she reaches the door of her room. She stands before it, feeling suffocated from the sight of the old, beige-colored vinyl door filled with scratches and chipped surface. Before, the room acted as an escape for her of the world outside, filled with fast paced movement and stressful effort to even stay alive for a day.

Now, the room didn’t serve as one, already replaced with a painful memory of their broken relationship.

A place where her heart breaks into two from the hurt she saw in that pair of brown caramel eyes. 

 

“Let’s stop this.”

It felt like a stab, a deep pang spearing a hole through her chest. 

Tzuyu couldn't believe her ears, didn't want to believe her ears as the words escaped Sana’s trembling lips. 

“W-What…?”

“I was really stupid. This was what you warned me about before, right? This is the reason why you’re so adamant of ignoring my confession. Right, Tzuyu?” Sana chortles, a painful smile on her face. “You can’t be there for me, that’s why.”

“Sana, that’s not it. Please, listen-”

“No!” She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “Let’s just stop this, Tzu. I’m tired of this...”

“I don’t want to.” Tzuyu firmly refused, trying to reach for Sana’s arms. “Not like this, Sana.”

The senior struggled to release herself, biting her lower lip to stop the sobbing about to escape. She takes a few steps backwards, head still shaking from Tzuyu’s pleading eyes.

“I’m sorry, Tzuyu.”

There was a glint of guilt and longing, before the pair of caramel eyes disappeared from her view. Tzuyu can’t do anything, can’t feel anything. She only heard the sound of her heart cracking, breaking, shattering into painful fragments.

 

She still feels it now, maybe for a long time, because she heard that a heartbreak takes a lifetime to be cured. Damn, if only she knew the repercussions of being in love, she wouldn’t have resorted to being a slave to these new, exciting feelings. 

Heck, she didn’t even get to confirm if Sana’s eyes were really caramel, or if it was just her mind playing.

Instead of stepping inside her room, she detours to the lakeside by the parking lot.

Tzuyu gracefully lands on the wet grass, ignoring the cold droplets slowly seeping through the thin fabric of her jeans. It’s a cold night out by the lakeside, but it didn’t do justice to the ache she’s suffering from. She tried her best to protect their love, but not every fight was bound to win. 

She’s still inexperienced concerning emotions and feelings of the heart, and that much was a good enough reason for her to admit defeat in the name of love. She believes in the natural course of life, that every good thing will soon meet its end.

Just like her relationship with Sana.

A shiver runs through her body, prompting Tzuyu to rub her hands together to keep them warm. She didn’t expect the night to be cold, she couldn't feel it before. Then, she heard the sound of footsteps trampling the wet grass from behind, before something cold touched her neck.

“Give me your money, or I’ll slit your throat.” A deep gruff voice said, but Tzuyu merely laughed at the failed attempt at acting.

“Never heard a phone can cut through skin, Jihyo-unnie.”

The newcomer loudly sighs before plopping down beside the smiling yoda, “You’re boring.”

“Because you’re lame.” Tzuyu grinned at her own attempt at joking, but it didn’t reach her eyes, Jihyo noticed.

“No shift today?”

Tzuyu shakes her head, turning her attention to the calm waters of the dark lake. “What are you doing here, unnie?”

“Trying to take some time off of my hectic days.” She nodded, thinking how hard it is to be a committee member of the student council. 

Even if Jihyo declared herself as an unofficial member this year, they still depend a lot on her. Tzuyu wonders what drives Jihyo to be this active as a college student, because she never sees the senior have time to herself or stressing herself out despite her packed schedule.

“Why are you actually here, Jihyo-unnie?”

Jihyo pouts, “I just answered you, Tzuyu-ah.”

Tzuyu lightly chuckles, shaking her head. “I mean, why are you here at the college?”

“Wow, this question is harder than all of my finals combined.” Again, another chortle, and Jihyo smiled at the light air surrounding them. “I don’t really know, actually. It just seems like the right thing to do.”

Tzuyu didn’t expect such a nonchalant answer coming from a candidate of the final year model student. “Really?”

“I have a simple dream, Tzuyu. I want to be a singer, and to be one, is to take part in auditions instead of attending college.” The younger turned to Jihyo, catching the small smile of different meanings behind it. “But I can’t guarantee my future only with that. There’s a lot of opportunities laid out for me here and I have to take those chances to improve, to make myself  better and plan out the best route towards my dream.”

“That’s,” Tzuyu tilts her head, trying to find the right word. “Really deep.”

The senior loudly guffawed, slapping the amused Tzuyu a few times on her lap. “Yah, what was that?”

“That’s what I felt.” Tzuyu laughs along as she props her chin over her knees. “It’s a really admirable reason, compared to mine.” 

“Tell me.”

“I mainly come here because my parents asked me to, something about having better experiences in living and work. The only thing in my mind was to endure four years of studying, get my diploma, and fly back home. It was as easy as that.” She shrugged, eyes looking out in the distance. “I guess life doesn’t go as we expected, huh?”

“Well, what did you expect?”

“I don’t know... College should be fun, exciting, and liberating. Not being this hard and… tiring.” She let out a sigh, her shoulders slumping. “I know it’s something to deal with growing up, but sometimes it gets too much. Each time I wake up, I always think of going back, feeling as if I can’t do it, can’t start the day. I thought it’s going to get better, but today, I feel the cycle repeats again.”

“It’s scary…and lonely.” Tzuyu swallowed, trying to control the waves of emotion slowly engulfing her. She grasps the sleeves of her shirt, clenching them tightly. “I don’t know what to do, Jihyo-unnie.”

She buries her face deeper into the comfort of her own arms, as if trying to keep herself safe, trying to feel safe, from what - she doesn’t know. It wasn’t until a finger touched her cheek that she realized the tears dropping from her eyes.

“You’re experiencing burn out, Tzuyu.” The latter finds the voice soft and soothing, as the owner wiped her wet cheeks. “Have you been getting enough sleep - no, are you even able to sleep?”

She sniffled, before shaking her head no.

“I know you really cared for your friends, but sometimes, you need to take care of yourself first.” Jihyo softly reprimands, flashing a gentle smile to the girl silently crying. “It’s not selfish to prioritise your own needs. Did you know that, Tzu?”

She merely nods, before a shiver runs through her body. Jihyo catches the state of the younger, quickly scooting closer to share her long coat. 

“Come here, you giant baby.”

Tzuyu gives in without a fight when Jihyo pulls her into a hug, the warmth they shared giving enough heat to ward off the cold already coursing through her skin.

“Everything is going to be fine, Tzuyu-ah.”

If god’s blessing does exist, it must have resembled the feeling of being hugged by Jihyo.

The gentle caress running through her long tresses, whispered words of consolation, and warmth emanating from Jihyo manage to sooth her struggling soul as she succumbs to the safe cocoon provided by her unnie. 

Tzuyu let herself relish in the comforting embrace, despite wishing it would come in the form of caramel eyes and brown hair.

 

*

 

Momo scuffles on her feet, trying to keep herself warm with little jumps. She was planning to take an early sleep since she’s expected to have a surprise quiz tomorrow, not that she cared much about it. It was just a lame excuse, when all she wanted was to lay in bed, wear the earphones, close her eyes, and escape from reality.

Momo has been doing a lot of self-reflection on her own, and only one thing appeared from her own reflection she sees every day in the mirror.

To hell with everything.

She’s not going to try her best anymore, because she barely has enough will to wake up in the morning. Even the sight of food didn’t give her enough fuel to get her motivated again. Momo just - she doesn’t care anymore.

Whatever happens, happens. She’ll find out some ways to pull herself together again later, just not today.

She turns to the girl approaching her, greeting with her usual dimpled smile. It’s been a while since she met the tall junior after ditching her work at the restaurant. The girl was craving for some ice cream, and Momo misses the giant yoda anyway. It’s weird that she’s not inviting Sana along, but the blonde is not complaining since it would have been awkward; they’re still in a cold war.

“Unnie, I’m leaving for Taiwan next week.”

“Ehhh?” The ice cream on her spoon dropped before reaching , “Taiwan? Hold it - you’re leaving, Tzu?”

“Just for the holidays, unnie.” Tzuyu laughed from the blonde’s comical reaction, at the same time reaching for a napkin to wipe the mess Momo just made. “It’s not like I’m leaving for good.”

The blonde takes her time to study the younger’s face, noticing the faint black rings and apparent eyebags surrounding her reddish eyes along with the sunken cheeks. 

“Tzuyu, are you okay?” 

There was a glint of hesitance in her eyes, before Tzuyu flashed a smile, a forced one. “I kinda missed home.”

“I see.” It was an excuse, Momo presumed, but she doesn’t prod more on it. “Have you booked your flight?”

“Not yet, but I was thinking of flying back on the last day of the final term exam.”

She nods, making calculations of the days Tzuyu will be leaving in her head. She might be able to send the girl to the airport, considering her last paper ends a few days earlier. Out of nowhere, the image of a giggling squirrel with puffy cheeks crossed her mind. 

“What about Sana?”

“What about her?”

“They’re having the senior farewell party that night. Sana must have invited you as her plus one, right?” 

“Oh.” Again, the glint flashes through Tzuyu’s eyes as she avoids Momo’s curious stare. “She’s not going with me.”

“What do you mean?”

The girl exhales from her nose, wearing a defeated smile. “Chaeng said she’s going with Dahyun.”

Momo’s forehead creases from the younger’s reply. She already paid enough attention to Tzuyu to be aware of her weird behaviour; the latter rarely avoids her gaze, let alone deflecting her questions with half-hearted replies.

“Tzuyu, look at me.” Her voice firm as she pulls the aloof girl to face her. “Did something happen between you and Sana?”

The younger swallowed, head dipping down to hide the tears already welling in her eyes. 

“We broke up.”

 

*

 

The blonde charges through the crowd of students, ignoring their greeting and calling as she has only one thing in her mind.

Or rather, one person she needs to deal with. 

Reaching the end of the hallway, she turns to a corner and sees her target for the day. Her eyes harden into a glare as she approaches the pair engrossed with briefing for the farewell party preparation. 

Mina was the first to notice her presence, nudging Sana to turn around and face the angry raccoon stomping her way towards them.

“What are you doing here?” Sana asks as she steps forward to shield her roommate, only to have a finger pointed to her.

“You.” Momo lunged forward, jabbing a finger at the alarmed Sana, prompting her back to the wall. “I got business with you.”

“W-What?”

“How could you do that to Tzuyu.” It wasn’t a question, more like a threat from the low growl, causing Sana’s expression to fall.

“You don’t know what’s going on, Momo.”

“No! You’re the one who didn’t know, Sana!” She slams the wall, “Tzuyu tried her best for you, she tried her best to be understanding and be there for you… how could you do this to her, Sana?”

Her voice falters at the end, and Momo can see the guilt shown in Sana’s eyes, before she was pushed backwards. 

“It’s none of your business.” Sana glared back. “You don’t know what’s going on between Tzuyu and me because you were never there, Momo! You are a coward who only knows how to run and hide!”

Gritting her jaw, Momo grabs Sana’s collar and pulls her closer, her chest heaving up and down from anger. 

“Was Tzuyu not enough for you?!”

“Hirai, stop it!” 

Momo would have given in from Mina’s pleading, but not today. She’s rather mad at her bestfriend now, and whatever Mina says turns to deaf ears as the blonde is clouded by rage.

“You’re making a big mistake, Sana. Can’t you see how much Tzuyu loves you?”

Sana scoffed, “You should say that to yourself when you decide to cheat on Mina.”

As if a nerve had been hit, Momo raised her hand. Her vision had turned red, and she lose control. Sana widened her eyes, bracing herself for the abrupt blow, but she didn’t feel any pain when the corridor echoed with the sound of a hard punch. 

Sana opened her eyes, only to let out a loud gasp at the sight of Tzuyu standing before her.

Momo snapped out of her rage when her knuckle landed on Tzuyu’s cheek. She tried to utter some words, but the girl merely shakes her head, ushering Momo to turn around with a hand on the latter’s shoulder.

“Tzuyu...”

The girl paused her step, but didn’t turn to face the owner of the gentle voice, the owner of those pair of caramel eyes. 

“I’m sorry for the trouble, Mina-unnie… Sana-unnie.” She softly muttered, before pushing Momo away from the scene. 

After reaching a distance, Momo stops and looks at Tzuyu apologetically, visibly wincing from the red bruise slowly forming from her own punch. 

“Tzuyu, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know.” She cut off the guilt-stricken senior, a smile forcing its way to her lips despite the pain slowly spreading. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault in the first place.”

The taller resume to walk, Momo quietly followed on her side. She cast a glance to the silent Tzuyu, wondering what’s in her mind. A quiet Tzuyu may seem normal, but not when her gaze is distant.

“Unnie.”

“Yes, Tzuyu?” Momo quickly jumps in front of her. “Are you hurt? Do you want to get some ice or ointment for that? Should we go to the infirmary to-”

“Sana knows how much I love her.” Tzuyu said, voice faintly shaking. “That’s why it’s better to let go.”

Her heart drops at that. “You’re... giving up, Tzu?”

The latter merely shrugs, still with that lopsided smile on her face. “You should focus on your final term exam, unnie. You’re going to graduate in a few months, right?”

Momo wanted to say her plan, that she doesn't give a damn about graduation, but refrain from doing so. It doesn’t feel like the right time, what with the red mark on Tzuyu’s cheek darkening. Momo clenches her right fist, burying the sore hand into the pocket of her sweater. 

“Come on, let’s get you treated.”

 

*

 

“Momo-unnie? I’m already here.”

“Oh, you are? Alright, I’m coming down.”

Momo rummages through her messy table for the small blue box, not sure where she had chucked it after her ice cream date with Tzuyu. It was supposed to belong to her now after a lot of persuasion from the younger, but Momo didn’t have the heart to take it. The blue box might just be the thing needed to snap some senses into the dumb head of her childhood friend, considering how much effort and hardships Tzuyu had to go through to buy it.

 

“Unnie, can I ask something from you?”

She nods with a warm smile, watching curiously as the girl takes out a blue box from a small paper bag. She hands her the box, nicely decorated with a neatly tied bow of ribbon.

“This is–”

“Sana-unnie’s gift. It was supposed to be her birthday present. But since, you know…” She chortles, sniffling her wet nose. “I was thinking if I could pay back some of the money I owe you with this.”

“Tzuyu, I don’t know...”

“It should cost half of the original price if you refund it.” The girl shrugs, firmly pushing the box into Momo’s hand. “Or you could just… maybe give it to Mina-unnie, if you want.”

Momo gives the girl another look, desperately waiting for her to accept it, before sighing in defeat.

“I’ll keep it.”

“You will?”

“Yeah, consider it sold.”

The girl smiled brightly, despite her teary eyes. It’s hurting Tzuyu, what she’s doing right now, but it might be for the best. 

“Thank you, Momo-unnie.”

 

She knows Sana is not the materialistic type of girl, but she always appreciates the effort people took to give her something - especially if it’s someone she loves dearly. They might not get back together, but at least Sana has something to remind her of the first time she fell in love, for real.  

A memento that might rekindle her love story with Tzuyu.

Her eyes lit up when she found the gift inside her bag, quickly rushing out of her room and down the staircase two steps at a time. She looks left and right, a smile adorning her face at the sight of Dahyun idly sitting at the bench while looking at her phone.

“Dubu!”

“Oh, unnie - HMPPHH!” 

Momo successfully squished the pouty puffy cheeks, earning a loud whining from the tofu-like girl. 

“Ahhh! Do you know how refreshing that was?”

“I don’t want to know, unnie.” Dahyun sulked, holding her cheeks to prevent them from being pinched by the blonde. 

Momo grins from the sight, only to realize that the junior is looking at the box in her hand. 

“I’m really flattered, unnie... but today is not my birthday.”

The blonde blinked, before a laugh escaped . “It’s not for you!”

Dahyun joins in, waving her hand off nonchalantly. “I was just joking. So, is that for Mina-unnie?”

Momo’s expression faltered at the mention of the vice president. She shakes her head with a strained smile. 

“I actually need a favour from you.”

“Oh, what kind of favour?” 

Momo scratched her cheek, “I’m doing this for someone else, but it’s a secret, so…”

“Unnie, you know I’m good at keeping secrets right?”

Momo choked on her spit, a thought crossing her mind. No, she should calm down - it’s not the time to point fingers anymore. Letting out a shaky sigh, Momo shows the blue coloured gift to Dahyun who studies the box with interest. 

“Can you pass this to Sana?”

Dahyun slowly reaches for the gift, a glint of realization shown in her eyes.

“What’s this?”

“It was supposed to be a gift from Tzuyu.” Momo slips both hands inside the back pocket of her jeans, shrugging with a tight-lipped smile. “I just thought Sana deserves to have it. Tzuyu sacrificed a lot to get this for that dumb girl.”

The blonde waits for Dahyun’s reaction, for a chortle or a reprimand, but she receives none. If Dahyun tries to hide her emotions, she clearly failed by the crestfallen expression. Momo patiently watches as Dahyun went through her thoughts before the latter looked back at her.

“You think they should get back together, unnie?”

“I don’t know.” She replied honestly, because Momo is at a loss. 

Tzuyu had raised her white flag, and Dahyun could finally have the chance she wanted. It’s a mess, what’s going on with the three of them, but Momo trusts her instinct this time. It’s selfish of her to drop this burden on Dahyun, but she believes the girl knows what to do.

She pats Dahyun’s shoulder, snapping the girl from her deep thoughts.

“I’m counting on you, Dubu.”

“Yeah, sure... “

 

*

 

The final term exam went by in a breeze for Momo.

Oh, who is she kidding. 

Of course she’s going to flop every paper despite giving her best answering them. She might need to repeat a subject or two, but she wasn’t that concerned about it. 

In fact, her mind had been racing about a certain giant yoda. She just found out that Tzuyu had postponed her flight to another week, having some things to settle with the dorm management before flying back home. She didn’t think much about it, because things are going according to her plan.

She decided to be the good senior tonight and bring Tzuyu to the farewell party. 

Don’t get her wrong, she wasn’t planning to get Tzuyu and Sana together. But she feels like the two need to sort things out and maybe, end things on a good note before Tzuyu goes back to Taiwan.

Not that they did break up on bad terms, but their lives are still linked with one another, having friends who are friends with the other. It’s going to make things complicated and awkward if they decide to hang out together one day.

Just like what happened to her and Mina.

Momo always wishes for a miracle that they can be friends again, or better yet, to wake up from whatever nightmare this is. She’s always open for reconciliation, even if she had to sacrifice her relationship with Mina because she’s still hoping for another chance. 

A chance to prove that her heart already belongs to the penguin, and no one else.

Hence, she will start first with Tzuyu and Sana, and hope things will go well for them. Except, things didn’t go as she hoped for at the farewell party.

She cursed inwardly when Jihyo and Mina greets them at the door, the latter standing before her in her authoritative stance, stopping Momo from escorting Tzuyu inside. She was stunned to see Mina yet again in a normal, casual dress. It’s nothing too fancy, but Mina managed to leave her breathless. 

As she gawked at the vice president, Jihyo clears . 

“I’m gonna catch up with Tzuyu, I have a bad feeling about this,” She announced, before glaring at the pair. “Now you two, behave!”

Momo plainly shrugs before an air of imminent doom makes her tremble. She turns to her side, catching herself startled as Mina crosses her arms defensively while nudging her chin towards Momo’s car, signalling the blonde to leave.

Well, tough luck. It’s time for their long overdue talk, Momo decided.

“Nice party.”

“It would have been perfect if a certain blonde didn’t request for her name to be crossed out.”

Momo smirked from the indirect mock, “The hype died down because of her absence, huh?”

“Are you kidding? The crowd is really wild inside.” Mina snorted, “Oh wait, you can’t see it. Because you’re not invited.”

The blonde guffawed as she raised both hands, declaring her defeat to the fuming Mina. Momo grins at the endearing sight, a view she misses so much, before tapping the shoulder of a junior standing at the other side acting as the welcoming committee.

“Hey, mind if I steal your boss for a while?”

“Huh? The boss?” The girl cocked an eyebrow from Mina’s incessant head shaking, “Err… sure, I guess?”

Ignoring Mina’s protests, she tugs the girl inside the overly decorated swimming pool, slithering their way towards the open space outside where the crowd is lesser, only a few students and couples dipping their feet in the open pool. 

“Let go of me, Hirai!”

Momo challenged back with a raise of an eyebrow and an amused smile, before relenting. “Okay.”

Just as she lets go, Mina feels herself wobbling towards the pool by their forceful ‘tug of war’, only for a hand to save her from falling face first into the water.

“Careful, Miss Vice President. Don’t want to see you ruined your dress tonight.”

She grins back at the blushing Mina, wiggling her eyebrows teasingly from their close proximity, before a palm greets her flat in the face.

“Feisty, aren’t you?” Momo growls jokingly, just as her shin was kicked by Mina. “Ow! Hey, that’s not necessary!”

“Then stop acting like a sleazy old man! You deserve it!”

The blonde rolled her eyes as she rubbed her sore leg.

“I just want to talk, okay?”

“Then talk! No need to drag me all over the place like a dog.”

Momo loudly inhales, trying to keep herself calm before facing Mina with a smile, a deliberate one.

“Can I start?”

“Whatever.”

“Look, can you just chill out for a second? I’m trying hard to be on my best behaviour but you just blow everything out each time I try to talk to you.”

“I wouldn’t lash out if you would behave that night!”

“Oh my god.” Momo muttered, feeling bouts of incoming headache from Mina’s shouting. “Mina, there’s nothing going on between us! Nayeon is just - was a roommate!”

“Yeah, a roommate who happens to have a strong crush on you.”

“Does it matter?”

Mina gives her an incredulous look, before shaking her head exasperatedly. 

“Yeah you’re right. It doesn’t matter, not anymore.”

Momo stares at Mina blankly, her will to fix everything slowly dissipating along with her remaining strength. Her shoulders slump defeatedly, feeling herself beaten by her own guilt.

“I hate this.” She huffed with a shrug, “It’s suffocating, Mina. What I went through every day since that night, I hate this feeling.”

“W-What do you mean?”

“All I wanted was a chance, Mina. A chance to explain, and make things right again. But it’s really hard getting through your stubborn head, huh.”

Momo chortled, lightheartedly, making Mina frown with trepidation of what she’s about to say. 

“I want to have a proper closure of our relationship.” 

Momo raised her head, trying to convey her thoughts across through her stare alone, hoping Mina would understand. Hoping her own heart would understand how hard it is for her to do this and to stop hurting so much with every beat.

“Let’s end this properly, Mina.”

There was a silent pause as they looked at each other, trying to study the other’s expression before Jihyo suddenly appeared with Tzuyu, the latter’s eyes teary and red. Mina quickly rushed to her side as Momo gave a questioning look to Jihyo.

“Tzuyu, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just felt like crying. That’s all.” She smiled, and they all know it’s a forced one. “Were you guys fighting just now? Again?”

Tzuyu pouts on purpose, earning a shake of head from Momo. “Fighting - who, us? Pfft, we’re just joking around. You know, just letting off some steam.”

The blonde nudges Mina, the latter quickly smiling with a nod, hoping Tzuyu would catch their acting. They probably failed anyway after receiving weird looks from both Jihyo and Tzuyu.

“I have something to announce.”

Tzuyu turns to Jihyo, the latter nodding her head encouragingly as she puts a hand on the girl’s back, persuading her to talk.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, unnie.” Tzuyu faced Mina and Momo, a sad smile plastered on her face. “I’ve decided to go back to Taiwan, for good.”

 

*

 

BUZZ BUZZ

 

Momo was shaken awake from the loud buzzing of her phone. She rubbed her eyes open, squinting at the flashing screen in the middle of the dark room. Trying to read the name of the caller, her eyes soon snapped wide open.

“H-Hey.” She cleared to rid off the grogginess in her voice, but failed miserably when she was greeted with a snort.

“It’s already afternoon, Hirai.”

“Spare me the lecture please.” She groaned, rubbing her still fuzzy and sleepy head. 

“I’m outside.”

“Uh-huh, and we’re getting lunch together.” Momo smiled to herself from the corny teasing, but receiving no response from the other line made her choke on her own spit. “W-Wait, you’re really here?”

“We need to find Sana. She didn’t come back last night and I couldn't reach her all morning.”

The memories of last night soon began rushing back to her head, causing her brain to be shocked awake at the surprising news they received. 

Tzuyu.

Jumping to her feet, Momo made a beeline to the bathroom with the phone. “I’ll be there in a few.”

They still have three days before Tzuyu’s flight to Taiwan. As soon as she slid into the passenger side of Mina’s car, Momo had been briefed by the driver that Jihyo’s going to keep the girl company and become the great sister she didn’t get to be for the last remaining days, despite Tzuyu’s protest that she’s going to be fine. Of course, it was an excuse to watch over the junior while Mina and Momo try to hunt down a certain squirrel in hiding.

Momo was - is, trying to get her brain to work properly with Mina’s presence by her side. It was an unspoken agreement they had settled on to find Sana, whether they like it or not. Well, Momo surely likes spending more time with Mina, but she’s not sure if it’s the same for the latter.

“Is this the right way?”

“Yeah, just turn right at the corner.” Momo said, stealing a glance at the rather collected vice president while her hand is tending to her phone, attempting to call for Sana for the nth time. “I’m not sure if she’s going to be at her aunt’s house, though. It’s been a while since we’ve been there and I don’t think anyone’s home.”

“It’s either that, or we’re knocking on every door of Sana’s friends list.”

Momo released a snicker, “By the time we reach her, Tzuyu would have already flown back home.”

The car came to a stop in front of a house and by the look of the untrimmed grass and unkempt garden full of dried leaves, it’s possible that the place had been void of people for weeks. 

“I’ll try to ring the bell.” Momo stated as she stepped out onto the pavement, straight to the front door. 

She knocks a few times, but there’s no sign of presence inside. Still with the phone glued to her ear, Momo tried to walk around to the backdoor when the line finally connected.

“Hey-”

“I’m outside your aunt’s house. Open the door.”

“Well, what a pleasant way of greeting people in the morning.”

Momo rolls her eyes, not in the mood to deal with her friend’s antics. “It’s already past 2 in the afternoon, Sana.”

“Oh, good afternoon to you too.”

She lets out a loud groan, kicking off a stray pebble to release her frustration.

“Just…” She exhales, controlling her voice from rising a note. “Open the damn door, Sana.”

There was a small pause, before a rustle could be heard.

“I’m not there.”

“Then tell me where the damn f-” Momo stopped, squeezing her fist to stop herself from lashing out. She needs to stay calm, for Tzuyu. “Where the hell are you, Sana?”

“I’m at Dahyun’s apartment.”

That’s it. Momo really can’t deal with this because that’s the last straw for her.

“Are you serious?” 

She let her frustration shows, because Sana clearly needs to take note of that, of how she’s terribly ing herself right now. She storms back to the car, slamming the door close rather forcefully causing the driver to wince from her silent outburst.

“She’s not here?”

Momo merely shakes her head at Mina, only to hear Sana’s voice at the other line.

“You’re with Mina?”

“Yeah.” She answered flatly, glancing at the driver who’s chancing her a wary look.

“What are you doing with her? I thought you guys loathe each other, no offense.”

There was mirth in Sana’s voice, and Momo’s clearly not amused with it. Instead, she gets straight to the point.

“Tzuyu is leaving Korea, Sana. She’s going back.”

Momo takes a deep breath, hoping the action would help to finally calm her down because by the silence on the other side, it’s clear that Sana was stumped by the unexpected news.

“She’s leaving in three days so make up your head and heart of who you want by then.”

She quickly ends the call, throwing the phone on her lap with a defeated sigh. The car swerved back to the main road with no words exchanged between the occupants inside. The smooth cruising and soft music playing on the radio made her mind clear for a bit as she got herself lost in the scenery of trees and idly watching people walking by the sidewalk. 

The ride back to their dorm should have been 20 minutes at least, but it lasted for almost an hour, Momo realized when they reached the parking lot. Mina must have been aware of her agitated state, and she’s grateful for the thought. 

The car’s ignition had already switched off, but neither made an attempt to leave.  

“Thank you.” Momo muttered, eyes to the front, but she saw Mina’s small shrug from her peripheral vision.

“Thought you needed the ride.”

The blonde nods, gripping the phone on her lap tightly. Not uttering anymore words, she opens the door and steps out, the driver following suit. She turns around to leave, but stops when she hears Mina’s small voice calling for her. 

“Sana was confused.” The blonde whips her head to the driver with a questioning look. “We had some talk, and Sana confessed she did feel something for Dahyun. But it’s out of loneliness, because Tzuyu wasn’t around when she needed her the most.”

Momo snorted, “Was there ever a time she never needed Tzuyu’s company?”

“You weren’t there for her.” The blonde’s expression faltered into a frown. “The fighting and tension between us made her feel at a loss. She was caught in the middle too, you know?”

Momo feels like being slapped in the face. It didn’t dawn on her before that Sana is, more or less, affected by their problem. But now that she thinks about it more, it does make sense why Sana behaved the way she is now. 

Sana always needs assurance, be it in conversation or for someone to just be there for her. She was never good with confrontation and fights, but when one involved her best friends since diapers and roommate she loves dearly, the girl would surely feel perturbed. Sana is desperate, and by the way things are with Tzuyu and Momo, the only person she would turn to is definitely Dahyun.

Momo feels so stupid that it took her this long to be aware of Sana’s internal struggle.

“Thank you.” The blonde smiled with a grateful nod. She was about to turn on her heel to leave when Mina gave her a look.

“Um…”

“Yeah?” 

Momo paused, waiting and watching expectantly as the girl bit her lower lip, fixing a stray hair blown by the gentle wind to the back of her ear. Momo should avert her eyes to the ground, or the trees, somewhere that is not Mina. But her heart is yearning, forcing her to stay still and watch, take in the view before her.

Because just with a simple act, Momo is rendered breathless. 

“Don’t push yourself so hard.”

And Mina turns around, leaving her speechless, along with a soaring heart that thumps wildly. Just because of a few, plain words with not much meaning behind them.

Momo chuckles to herself, shaking her head in disbelief. Because even after everything that happened, with her definite resolve to end the matter of her own heart, she’s still badly whipped for Mina.

 

*

 

The day of Tzuyu’s flight, they managed to get ahold of Sana’s whereabouts from Chaeyoung. The girl had called Momo before the sun had barely risen, shouting incoherently about Dahyun’s apartment and address which really didn’t help, giving the blurry state of Momo being awakened in the middle of her snooze. 

It wasn’t even a surprise when she received another call from Mina insisting the blonde to hurry up and devise an impromptu plan to abduct Sana, whether willingly or by force. She doesn’t know what’s going on in Mina’s head, but she's 100 percent on board with her.

Too bad, the abduction didn’t happen when Dahyun voluntarily shoves the bemused Sana into Momo’s welcoming hand. 

But at least, they finally have Sana with them, sitting silently at the back seat while clutching the familiar blue box. Her eyes followed Mina’s head constantly tilting upwards towards the rear view mirror to check on her roommate. Not wanting the driver to be distracted more, she glanced over her shoulder.

Indeed, Sana was really in a distraught state, added with the disheveled hair and wrinkled shirt (who knows how many days she wore that). The girl is holding the box, probably contemplating to see the content. They are heading to the airport, but what good will it bring if Sana is still in doubt with her own feelings. Her childhood friend only needs another forceful push to help her realize, and Momo is eager to bear the honour.

“Sana.” She called, but didn’t turn around to the latter. Sana needs to come to terms on her own; Momo already did her part. “It’s really beautiful. Tzuyu really thought a lot about it, you know?”

Mina gives her a glance, a worried one, when they hear a sniffing sound. It gets louder, the driver panicking for the blonde to do something, but Momo only responds with a shake of her head. 

As the sobbing gets louder, so is the speed of the car. 

“Mina, what are you doing?” The blonde asked, alarmed, as her hands crossed to tightly grip the seatbelt and handle-grab over her head.

“Saving a relationship.”

Momo gulped, glancing at the needle of the meters rapidly increasing past the speed limit of the road. “O-Okay, but do you have to drive this fast?”

“I’ll make this car fly if I have to.”

“Eh? No, don’t you dare- YAH, MINAAAAA!!!”

By the time they arrive at the departure drop off, Sana shoots off to do what she needs to while Momo is practically stoned to her seat. She’s in the brink of passing out when a bottle of water appeared in her view. 

“Here.” Mina offered the water, which she gladly accepted with shaking hands. She takes a few gulps, her sight and senses slowly recovering as the colour returns to her skin.

“Sorry.”

“Well, at least we arrived in one piece.” She tried to joke, but failed when Mina frowned at her.

“It’s not just that.”

Momo raised a brow, wiping her wet lips with a thumb as she watched Mina take a deep breath, hands tightly gripping the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry for what happened between us.”

Well, she didn’t expect that, at least not so sudden. They keep quiet, drowning in their own thoughts as the sound of the engine and blaring AC fills the deafening air inside the car. Momo tilts her head forward, gazing at the crowd of people with luggage and bags crossing the road in a rushed and hurried state.

But she didn’t feel the rush, not when she’s with Mina.

She never was.

“I’m not sorry.” She voiced out, her voice barely a whisper. “I never regret what happened. I will never regret us, Mina.”

Momo takes another swig of the water, squeezing an uncomfortable sensation.

“That night, when you said that.” A pause, followed by an audible gulp. “Are you… are you sure?”

She feels her chest constricted. Even though she had forgotten what was said to Mina that night, her resolve made it clear again in her head. It’s hard, but there’s no other way for them than to let go. 

Maybe, things will go better with them after this. Even as friends, she’s content. She will try to... she still loves Mina dearly.

“I am, Mina.” Momo deeply inhaled, calming the throbbing pain in her chest before turning to face Mina, determined with her decision. “Let’s settle this properly.”